Day 1 - for me what are your top tens tips for getting through this?

[mulranno]

Husband leaves today for a "4 week break" - but it will be permanent - what do I need to arrange, consider, put in place, avoid etc to get through this as unscathed as possible for us all-- what do I need to be prepared for as inevitable. I have 4 15, 13, 12 and 7. They will blame me - it is 110% my decision - but taken for their needs.

Get all of your financial 'ducks' in order. Know your budget/limits so you can plan as much as possible for the things you'll all need. Sort contact time with your ex. If he's reasonable and willing to step up and commit to structured, regular contact, get it all set out and agreed. Knowing when you'll get a break is a huge thing, and with 4, I think you'll likely need it! If your ex doesn't want to commit to regular, structured contact, look elsewhere for alternatives so you can get help when needed. Friends/family/neighbours etc. Being able to stand on your own 2 feet not needing any help from your ex is preferable to hoping for help, and that help being used to make things more difficult for you i.e. cancelling last minute, going long spells without contact, keeping you/DC guessing what's happening etc. Not having to depend on someone who isn't dependable makes your life easier, and removes any 'power' your ex might think he has over you by messing your DC about/messing you about.

download a parenting agreement to help you both talk about what needs to be covered and to help you understand what you will need to negotiate around. If you google it there are a few templates that come up

Can you afford counselling for the kids? Whether they want it or not, having a space to talk is important for them. My parents insisted on it during their divorce and whilst I was very reluctant, it was helpful.

so sorry to hear of your situation. no one wants to be there even if they know its the only way. I'm two weeks in. I'd agree re budget, kids knowing when they will see him and for how long. tell the head teacher/heads of year etc at the schools tomorrow morning. I've tried to keep the routine for my 2 dcs as much as possible re clubs, meals, bedtimes, homework. telling them how much they are loved. not laying blame at anyone's door although teenagers more savy than that I know. but whatever u tell them if u and H can u need to be consistent in saying same things to them.

my dcs have their dad's phone numbers up in kitchen so they can call him whenever they want.

have something fun for u and them planned in the coming weeks.

if u can give yourself some time to stop, think and digest it all. dont be hard on yourself. good luck

Get enough sleep. Reach out to all friends and family, even if its just to tell them what's going on. If you think counselling would help you, put yourself on a list. Invite friends over for coffee, films, wine etc.

Thanks everyone - I have decided not to drink at home - not even a glass of wine as I think that it would not help.

Day one was fine for us all. Although I am under no illusion that it will not remain this way as I re-set the routines, boundaries, consequences and respect for the house - I expect tough challenges along the way.

I am feeling calm - household is calm and quiet.

This is my back story and MN helped me get to this place today:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker#43240705

I felt very relieved when I contacted the police last week and saw it thru after 2.5 weeks of turmoil (and over 2 years of physical abuse) and then when I got my husband to agree to 4 weeks out of the house - I felt a burden lifted.

I am not looking too far ahead - just taking one day at a time - this is not me back tracking or opting out -- it is just the way that I find best to cope.

I am proud of what I have done for every member of my family - including my husband.

Well done Mulranno. I have not readyour back story but I'm recently out of an abusive rel. too. Well it's been over a year now. Emotional abuse more so so not v easy to get away from. It's always there. Slowly trying to rebuild a life but court process been getting me down. I can see a bright future ahead but courts really aren't being kind to me, preferring to believe his bs. I wish the bright future would hurry up a bit! ;-)

Good luck. Good call not to drink by yourself. I never have and hope I never will

x

• plan in your head the outcome / agreement you wantIncluding contact for children
• any compromises you would consider
• get your finances in order
• contact a good solicitor
• get yourself life insurance / will sorted for the children
• dont forget to use any support you have friends etc

Gd luck