Ladies - Add your vote if you think the court system/authorities are failing us and our children

[Lionessnurturingcubs]

Numerous threads on here and elsewhere have indicated that the "Family Law" system in this country is failing us - lone mothers and our children.

This country stigmatises single parent mothers. There is a totally false perception that we are all in our teens, living off the state. WE ARE NOT.

The Gingerbread website has the actual statistics:-
The average age of a single parent is 38.1.

59.2% of us work.
Half had children within marriage. It is safe to assume that a lot more had children within a relationship.

As mothers, we have a natural instinct to protect our children. We have a right to ensure that NO-ONE, even the biological father, has the right to damage them emotionally, physically, or in any other way. This right is being denied us through the 'Family Law' system in this country, which is stacked against the father.

We have had enough. We now want to organise into a coherent group and are considering taking our voice to the European Court of Human Rights. Please add a one liner here, if you agree or support this principle. It does not mean you are committing to anything, we just want to see the wealth of feeling behind this. Please name change if you don't want to give anything away!

A really shocking thread. My heart goes out to those of you who are going through this.

My situation is that I don't want to take the risk that my ex takes me to court as he is only mildly abusive (so far...) so I don't think I stand a chance. DS is having limited contact and I give thanks every time ex cancels because of his new exciting life.

In Lundy Bancroft's book he highlights that things are similarly awful in the US court system. He also covers lots of things referred to in this thread - men much more likely to be the abusive one and to use court/mediation as another way to abuse etc.

He also stresses that women should use their knowledge of their abuser to decide what is best to do i.e. it may be better for her children not to report abuse, not to leave him if that will escalate the abuse. I was really amazed by that as the received wisdom that you see everywhere (incl most of MN) is to report to the police and LTB. I'm mentioning this partly as his books could be a way of finding references for these issues (and are a great source of reassurance).

But also because victim blaming stereotypes ("she's putting her relationship with him above the welfare of the children", "if it was that bad she would have left earlier" etc.) should be challenged. I know that is not what you are aiming to do here but I really think exploding a lot of myths and stereotypes about single parents and contact, including the ones in the OP, could help to challenge the assumptions that all parents deserve a chance.

Wow! I don't think I've read all the posts but just wanted to add my support to the OP. You speak with such clarity and I agree with so much I have read here from lioness & others. It's late again so won't go on....My baby's father, despite never ever being denied contact decided he only wanted it if it was on his terms so had his 'free legals' (a sort of veiled threat which I didn't take seriously) & hasn't made contact since. I m sure he'll turn up one day but in the meantime I savour every day me & dd have together free of his narcissism/selfishness etc but boards like this keep me on my toes and make me aware of just how manipulated the court system can be so yes I want it changed-just in case we ever get there.

Excellent report, babyhammock. I read the whole thing, nodding throughout. It totally represents my experience.

I was feeling vindicated that the court had recently stopped overnight contact (temporarily till next court hearing), although my ex has unsupervised contact during the day. But ex has responded by stepping up the nastiness to dd. She's only 5, and devastated by her father telling her that their time together is ending and it's all her fault, and she's bad and is working against him. Then it's the hoovering stage of the abuse cycle, and daddy always loves you etc etc.

I feel like we're trapped in a negative circle - if his contact is restricted, he takes it out on dd, so logically his contact should be further restricted, so he gets nastier and so it goes. I feel like wailing that I only want him to be a decent father, but there's no point wasting energy on wishful thinking. They've had positive contact in the past and it's something I really want for her, but he is so trapped in his anger and spite and resentment that I really doubt his ability to have this positive contact consistently. And he's the one who started this - he had plenty of contact, but he insisted on dragging the whole thing back to court for more and more!

Sock, I really appreciate your perspective as a DV service professional on this thread. Sounds like massively frustrating work in many ways.

oh hes bothered, but only on facebook and in front of people. he regularly writes some stupid prayer rhyme on his status asking for angels to protect 'his babies'. honestly its like hes making me n his other ex look like we're monsters his ex did actually say she'll work with him on contact if he stops his behaviour n he just replied saying 'see u in court' (he seems to really love that one liner). when we split, he was on my doorstep harrassing me to get back with me. after i refused and reported it, a few hours later telling everyone on facebook that im nasty and 'unstable'. yeah cos youd really beg such an evil person to take them back and tell her you love her just hours ago

as for the other fw ex (who luckily i have no ties to), as the case was already opened, hes still got legal aid and using that tomake his dds life hell . hes very clever and knows practically every loophole. he knew that by reopening the case before the new la laws come into place, he keeps his options open with court, rather than working with his poor ex outside of it and having to compromise. hes milking the system to buggery. lord only knows how much of taxpayers money has gone on him over the last 4 years of trouble that hes been the cause of. it started when he lied to police saying she shook her baby (he thought she would be handed to him) no evidence of that was found at the hospital, but she went into care then it was 18 months of custody fighting, then mum got her back. since then its in n out of court for anything however small. hes been found by ss to be emotionally abusing his dd so ss cut his contact. he went right back to court and got it handed right back that court is failing that child.

makes me livid to see it all going on. yet should that child end up ruined in the head, physically hurt or worse, those who failed the child still get bloody paid and then its a blame game.

russet i totally emphasize with the break from the narcissism. ive had such a peaceful 12 weeks without fw around, my kids are settled and happy as am i (and its the school hols!). thatll all be ruined if he starts his hate campaign again.

biblio its disgusting to see your poor dd having to put up with that. its such a vivid red flag when they go back to court for more and more and when there doesnt seem to be a limit to their demands- cos it just screams out that its about control and not equality as they normally claim. if it was them just wanting equality then theyd stop at a certain point and say fair enough (sr for example). those who just want all the cards in their hands will keep right on going.

Honey be very careful about him reporting you to ss he may well do this because well he's got form and if ss are involved and taking actual action he will get legal aid he probably knows this.

Whilst you are still pregnant have a real hard think back has he ever directly threatened you with reporting so he can use the report against you?
If so make a note of what was said and approx when and anybody else you talked about it to.

One of my clients when she was still pregnant (had older child with ASD) was threatened by the ex "saying her elder son had abused the baby(this was before the baby was born) as everybody knows teenage siblings have high stats for abusing baby siblings and everybody knows kids with ASD are violent and have boundary issues.

Luckily at the time it was said she straight away spoke to the older child's key worker at school requested the convo was logged by the care team and if the school would be able to offer a formal opinion on any violent behaviour type risks exhibited by the teenager (there were none).

That report and the threat being made before the baby was even born has helped her massively in showing the ex's spite and abuse.

theyd stop at a certain point and say fair enough - that's exactly it! Some people are just bottomless wells of entitlement.

That's a truly awful story about what your ex is doing to his dd - the poor kid ending up in care for 18 months based on a false allegation! If the court won't stop contact in those circumstances, when will it?

no, this isnt my recent ex, this was one i was with a couple years ago.
ill clarify cos i wasnt clear in my post sorry.

abusive ex 1 is say mr x- his dd's mum is a good friend of mine. (long story) they were getting divorced when i started dating him, and she got in contact with me when i split up with him. im so glad i never had a baby with mr x, hes like narcissist and psychopath in one, even ss said i had a lucky escape with him. i havent come into contact with him since thank heavens. i really feel for her for being trapped with him.

my recent ex (babys sperm donor) is say mr y... hes the one who i have issues with. sock he reported me to ss 12 weeks ago, but he had threatened via text to do the ss thing. that text:
i told him that threatening court and ss just cos i drove away from him was an evil dispicable thing to do.

mr y replied: yes it was wrong of me to say that but it was rude of you to drive off like that when i came round to sort it out which in my eyes you dont love me.

and when i told him to leave me alone n that it was over...

mr y: i just wanna speak to you if you dont wanna be a grown up about this in the next 10 mins ill do what i have to do for me and my baby ur choice

^basically saying if i dont talk to him in that ten minutes hes so generously awarded me then he'll make the call. few hours later i got the ss call. the police have seen these texts and so has a sw so they accepted it was malicious.

ss have been doing their checks with all the professionals/schools who deal with me and the kids (cos of the dv police reports i did, they were notified) n im just waiting to hear what theyre going to do. i suppose they just need to cover their back as they cant ignore allegations, but cos hes the biological dad, the sw said she has to have a talk with him about it too. worried sick hes going to use this as his opportunity to get the baby taken from me and cause trouble.

far as i know the professionals dont have concerns. i think the worst theyll say is the kids being a few mins late a couple times before the hols (you know, messing about in the mornings )

such a shame to hear society has assumptions like that about asds. my sons severely autistic but hes sooo placid and laid back, the worst he does is shout he wudnt hurt a fly. he accidently scratched a car once only slightly and he burst into tears and owned up straight away lol x

I'm not entirely sure society does have those assumptions honey. I'm pretty sure it was just that one thick bastard (and a few others like him).

Still following this of course...thought I'd give it a bump especially since that 'dating' thread is getting more attention! ;0)

It is very disheartening (to understate dramatically) to see that we have all been through VERY SIMILAR circumstances, yet the system refuses to listen to us. We cannot be making it up, when we don't know one another! I could have written any one of these posts - and the situations are often so similar I wonder if it's the same man we are talking about!!

The courts and CAFCASS operate on the premise that ANY father is better than no father. However, the excellent support given by Parentline, Youngminds and even the LA Behavioural support team have all stated that my children would fare better without him in their lives. The assertion "in the best interests of the child" is therfore a complete sham, and is contrary to what professionals and statistics have proven. Should it be on that basis that we take our campaign further?

Thanks to everyone for continuing to support this cause, and especially to Sock for your very valuable input.

You've got my vote. My kids have witnessed their dad punch me in the face breaking my nose, spitting in my face, name calling, his drunkeness. My eldest has emotional/behavioural problems because of what he's seen and heard. Yet his dad gets granted contact. Im sick to the pit of my stomach. My son says "its ok mum, I'll protect you if dad tries to punch you again" before he's due to pick them up.

nowayoutbutone.com DC in the US are coming of age and speaking out - this will happen in the UK too.

Lion yy - I too think that the `in the best interests of the child' line is a sham - it is not the deciding factor in many many cases, in order to keep the cases coming and keep the people involved getting paid.

No research anywhere says `a' father is better than no father - and no research anywhere says an absent parent per se causes bad outcomes for children - poverty is the main cause of bad outcomes for children in both intact and lone parent families but this costs money to put right and doesn't make money, so there is a lot less interest from the judicial system.

I am so sorry to hear so many horror stories but with so many people wanting to bring this to the public's attention there is more chance of us being listened to.

getting my vote too. hing is, how many times has this been addressed at Drowning (!) street, parents going to face scumeron and the like, taking this all to court yet nothinhg.

THEY DONT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT ABOUT US.