is this acceptable?

[mistressmiggins]

children just come back from weekend with daddy - I know they have a long car journey (over 3 hrs) but this is not the first time DD has come home soaking wet - her nappy was absolutely full and her tights & skirt were soaked.

last time daddy had them for just a day, he didnt change her from 10.30am pickup to 4pm drop off - I know cos he used nothing from the changing bag.

this just isnt acceptable is it?

no fruit all weekend

DS cleaned his teeth with water all weekend cos daddy couldnt find DS's toothpaste in the bag I sent & obviously couldnt afford to buy children's toothpaste so made DS use his - he didnt like the taste

oh and ex-soon-husband failed to mention that he lives with his GF in his new house - Ive been asking him to talk to kids about this for last couple of months - hes too chicken to actually say the words but will no doubt give me verbal abuse when I next email him

rant over

oh my god that is so unacceptable, your poor dd her bum must have been so sore. I am surprised she didnt wail the whole way home, how pathetic

my mum only noticed when she sat on her knee so husband either didnt notice when getting her out the car seat or just didnt bother pointing it out - my mum changed her straight away - and her own clothes as she was so wet she made mums skirt wet

DD didnt moan at all - which is most unlike her - she usually tells me str away when done a wee

TOTALLY unacceptable. Poor dd!

The fruit and the teeth thing doesn't make me gasp so much (although obviously not very responsible!!) but the nappy thing is awful!

I've read most of your threads and my opinion of your ex is getting lower and lower.
I think he's a coward and trying to pretend that he has a nice simple life again by ignoring all responsibilites for his children.
(sorry for being blunt but men like this piss me off)
Nothing constructive Im afraid!

they had to use his toothbrush too - sorry but I think this is just tight - how much would 2 toothbrushes & paste cost?
£5?

lets just say that Husband earns a lot of money so he could have bought this for them

as for the nappies - words fail me - once ok, but this is now happening every time - does this mean that as he has them all weekend he only changes her at bedtime or if she soils?????

spurmum - thank you for being blunt - I feel sometimes that mayve I am over reacting but on this issue it is just not acceptable

he is a tw@t - sorry but MY opinion of him just gets lower & lower too

Sorry but i feel really sad for your dd. How old is she btw? Can't you do something or tell someone about his lack of care? That's assuming you warn him first and he doesn't mend his ways.

Hi MrsM, he's being an arse, of course he is. I hope you won't mind my saying this but I have sometimes left dd in a nappy that long because I've just been busy and crap and not thought about it. And I don't tihnk the toothpaste thing is the end of the world either. It's more the complete lack of care he seems to be taking of your children that's (understandably) getting to you isn't it? And you're right to be cross about the lack of care but not necessarily about these things, which are fairly minor imvho, but are indicative of not caring what you think/making an effort. I do understand why you're angry though. The gf thing is out of order but you will just be accused (wrongly! But he's a wanker of the highest order IIRC) of being hysterical if you rant. However, you could calmly say via email that you think it's upsetting for the children that he didn't tell them beforehand. Poor you.

It wouldn't be acceptable to me. I would go off on one at dh if he was looking after dd and did this! He should consider himself lucky that you send them with everything they need. Dsd has always come to us in what she stands up in.

The lack of fruit I'm not so sure about though. I think only because tonight I'm sat here worrying about what dsd has eaten while she's been with us this weekend. She gets offered all sorts of healthy stuff but refuses it. So that's probably my "stuff" and I can't be objective for you!!

As for not talking to them about the GF ... that's not on either. Don't blame you for being angry, I would be too.

sorry about this. The whole access thing seems so very fraught I am dreading it when it comes around for me. I suppose to some extent you have to wash your hands and hope for the best re fruit etc - I mean I just know p will feed mine on junk, and it's not something I'd like to happen every weekend - also he has never changed a nappy for either of our two - but then again he's their dad the more I think about it the more fraught I'd get and there's nothing I can do -
I simply can't imagine how I would feel if he set up home with one of the women he's been shgging behind my back. Boiling mad.
What have you been doing this weekend? do you find things to do or does missing them and worrying mean it's impossible?
(I'm still living with p while my house is on the market - I'll be in your shoes as soon as it sells - I've seen how it works with p and dss though )
But there must surely be practical steps to be taken here, I mean if he wants to have them for weekends he must take basic care of them or it's not going to happen - are you keeping a note of everything?
Something to be done when calm I guess (from someone prone to wading in)
Must be lovely to have them back home

your poor dd and poor you for having to send her off with this poor excuse for a father. i admire you for doing it, ive followed your threads and i find you v.brave for actually sticking to contact orders.

I don't think you're over reacting at all. How hard is to go to a supermarket and buy a toothbrush and kiddies toothpaste to stay at their place( for you).
Im afraid I seeing this going the same way as a friend of mine. Her ex is playing silly b*ggers with access/money/etc. I think it is so she will tell him to stay away from her ds so he can carry on with his life and play the victim IYSWIM
'She stopped me from seeing my kids' 'I was a good dad' etc
Bloody men, At least I don't have to deal with ds' father at all. Makes my life easier!

The poor wee thing. I go mad if I go to town and my son is still wearing the same nappy when I come back.. I use cloth, so I know how many times he has been changed!! He just sounds like he hasn't got a clue!

i am wih=th www. here. I to have left mine in full nappies. I think he is just not used to having to chage nappies regularly. i bet when you were together he didnt do the changing???

I think he needs a reminder that this is not acceptable. But it isn ot hte end of the world. Horrid and I knwoyou are unhappy at them= moment but I dont think what he is doing is terrible.

DD is 20 months and definitly doesnt like being in a wet nappy - at home she will tell me the minute she wees - infact almost seems ready to potty train

I know the fruit & toothbrush are trivial BUT they just show is lack of effort - why wouldnt he buy them brushes? - laziness

as for the fruit, my children ASK for fruit at home - DS loves apples & actually asks me for them without prompting so he obviously realised they werent on offer

AND the GF - he wanted to just take them to his new house & say "here's my new house and here's my new GF"
all I asked him to do was to mention her a couple of times & talk about it but thats obviosuly too hard - easier to just fling her at them "they are young enough to adapt" is his answer to everything

So did your kids meet the GF them MM?

nope
he took them to his parents' caravan

I had to laugh - normally he goes to his parents' house & they get up in the morning with the kids while he lies in til 9 or 10am
at the caravan he had to share a bed with DD and DS was in the bunk above - according to DS he jumped on him both mornings

hes now going on holiday for 2 weeks - somewhere expensive & exotic no doubt - I only know cos hes asked to change his weekend

whatever anyone says, I have always said he can come every weekend - he chooses once a fortnight

I asked him to come to DS's 4th birthday - either his party or my house - he just ignored the request and said after the event "it was better for everyone that I didnt come"

he could come & visit next week rather than leave it 3 weeks but he wont

Hmm sounds like he wants to have his single man life (albeit with a GF) and still come round to see the kids so that others won't chastise him for it.

I sort of know where you are coming from, my sister split from her ex when their dd was just gone 1yr old. He was allowed access whenever he wanted, he never took the chances. The dd went to stay every weekend at his parents house and when she was there her dad moved out to stay with friends He never knew her when she was small, but her grandparents more than made up for it. She is 9 now. Her dad got married last yr and she got a very formal invite to the EVENING RECEPTION Needless to say she didn't go and her dad hasn't been in touch since he has his new wife

His Loss MM... his loss :(

mistressmiggins - I read your first post carefully, but I dont see anything to get upset about. They arent really important things. The worst thing you mentioned is sharing toothbrushes, which sounds v unhygenic.

I am also divorced, and dx does not take care of the children in the same way that I do, but after all, they are his chidlren as well as mine.

The new GF thing is really not that big, if you dont make a deal out of it. dx has had various women, but I do trust him to kick a girlfriend out if she ever treated his children badly. (If I didnt trust him to do that, Id probably move to Australia) Anyway, the children have taken it all in their stride.

Stuff like toothpaste is really not a big deal - your peace of mind is far more important.

I know it's hard MM and I got similarly cross about things like that in the early stages of shared access with ex... but several years down the line I am dead proud that despite the niggles and the disputes and the bitterness, my ex and I have a lovely daughter who has a good relationship with both her parents... if you take the long-term view, having a good relationship with your dad is far more important than how often you brush your teeth or how many apples you eat ( my ex is constantly taking my dd to Mcds. I figure that if she eats healthily with me it won't do her any harm...)
I have lost count of the times I have had to bite my tongue over things, or leave strict instructions about some of the most basic elements of childcare, but overall I am glad that we have kept up a fairly amicable relationship.... I think it is so sad when kids lose out on having a dad, even if that dad is not perfect...

Anyway that's just my experience. I know how tough it is but hang in there I'm sure things will get better as time goes on....

thanks for your replies
I can see how these are trivial things (and I agree) BUT its just the tip of the iceberg

it also hurts that when we were together he would tell his parents not to give kids rubbish to eat or buy rubbish toys, but now doesnt seem to give a dam

like Ive said, I have never said anything bad about ex in front of the kids - in fact I am always very positive about him
I have never stood in the way of access
I asked him 3 times to come to DS's 4th birthday but he didnt even say no - so I spent the party wondering if he would turn up
he couldnt face my family & friends knowing that hes gone off with someone else

the only thing Im not happy about SHORT TERM is my children staying 3 hrs away with someone they dont know from adam
I want to break them in gently - I dont see whats wrong with this?
but I dont see why I should be the one to say "daddy has a new GF" and then have to deal with any questions
ex has had PLENTY of time to tell his DS but is either ashamed or thinks its not important

ex is just too chicken to mention her to his children
also why is it ok to introduce her to his kids but not to his parents?

Its easy enough to say just let him get on with it but this is his mistress - and Im sorry that Im human but it hurts like hell to think that they will be playing happy families

I'm right with you MM. I think your h is behaving appallingly, as normal. Wet horrible nappies, not buying a toothbrush!!! all just show a half hearted approach to caring for his children. He needs a kick up the backside!

I do think this is compounded by the girl friend issue. It does hurt to think of them all together you know I find it really hard too. The only way I can get through it is to keep busy and to remind myself that it won't be like the Walton's. Suddenly adding a young child (or two in your situation) changes the whole relationship, its suddenly not young and exciting anymore, its weighted down by the responsibility of childcare!

You are doing so well. Keep going, you have a right to be hurt and angry by this behaviour, but don't let it beat you. Pick yourself up, calm down and speak to him rationally about how you can both make this situation better for the kids (I know you do but in my experience its always better received if I say we rather than you, play to their ego's! )

Take care MM. Remember failures not falling down its staying down.

MM - I'm with you too on everything! My dd's get fed chips EVERY time he has them - not really a problem like someone else said but I do have to remember not to have chips before/same day/day after if you know what I mean!

I had to complain several times about him NOT changing dd's nappy (she came back with dreadful nappy rash each time because he hadn't changed her for the whole day!), so he now refuses to take their changing bag with him and provides his own things - thinking I will not notice if her bum has been changed! He obviously thought I was only counting nappies in the bag! I now mark the nappy I send her in so I am certain whether he has or hasn't changed it!

I'm sure the novelty of access will wear off soon!We're better off without him, but I'll let that happen naturally so they can't put the blame on me!

I think whether leaving a child all day in a wet nappy is trivial, depends on the child. It was never an option for either of my children, because if they were left in a nappy for longer than about three hours, they would immediately get horrible nappy rash plus eczema. It was one of the things which alerted me to the fact that xp wasn't looking after DS properly. I wouldn't fancy having a painful sore arse that got much sorer every time I wee'd on it, I don't understand why it should be considered acceptable for a child. But perhaps MM's DD doesn't have that reaction.

I also don't think buying toothpaste for your own child isn't too much to ask actually. Once in a while a child not brushing their teeth properly is no big deal, but if it happens every single time they go to their father's, then it's the subliminal message their father is sending them, that this isn't home really, this is a special holiday place where rules don't exist, which I think is the real problem. The teeth will probably survive. I think the main thing is to hope that the teeth thing doesn't happen every time.

I guess my point was if there is apparent lack of care on such basic things what else is going to pot?

at the mo I am expected to predict what they are upto & send clothes for ALL weather
e.g they went on the beach - I didnt send hats so according to MIL they didnt wear one

we sent toothbrush etc but ex couldnt find it so made them use his

why couldnt he buy them & say "kids have their own with me now - you dont have to send any"

it seems like a holiday - I get a bag full of dirty clothes on their return

DD is lucky in that she doesnt get nappy rash - DS did but fortunately we were together so he got changed regularly

I KNOW it sounds trivial but its all a question of care & being bothered....

oh well