Father attempting Custody Please Help, Advise or Reassure???

[VVVVVworried]

Where to start.... this may be long.

X left 2 year ago. Left for heroin addict. He is/was also heroin addict. He was abusive towards me, he also took steroids, I was in denial but then he hit my children, not just little smacks, hard vicious smacks. I visited solicitor, to see about having him removed from the house, I was also in counselling I told this lady about smacks she reported to Social Services, I was told to go to Social Services right away. I advised I was having him removed from home, they said as long as DC stayed with g/p whilst he was in the home it was fine, they did not record this meeting after a week he was left from the house.

HE begged, he pleaded, he was sorry, he had seen the light, he was suicidal without us, he did not want a divorce he loved me more than life itself, he was bad, he could see this it would never happen again. I took thefucker him back. I hate myself for this.

Move on 8/9 months he left for heroin addict. I had no clue she was a heroin addict but met someone (bizarrely) they stay in a different town, she knew heroin addict g/f, her DC were in care. No way were my DC going there.

He came here to visit, he had no interest in DC, he still wanted to control me and discuss how we could ever move on from this, I couldn't. This went on for 1 year, irregulalry, no routinie, he would just show up.

I decided I could no longer have him around me as he was still controlling me, she was texting me, she even texted me to tell me they had just "made love" for first time, this went for months, I changed sim in phone. He would call the house weekly with his regrets, I changed home phone number, he told me DC would detest me when they grew up I believed him, I bought a phone so he could call them.

I said he could see DC via Lawyer, his parents when they cared for DC for 1 night per month or my parents at the weekend, he chose not to. A few months ago he asked if he could see DC through his parents I said yes, he has seen them twice in 9 months for lunch, he has questioned them on these vists regarding who comes to house. He had/may still have someone watching the house, he knew who was coming/going and one of these people was an addict I have known since school, it took a few months but I finally snapped and advised addict he could never come to the house as it was causing me hassle at home.

Heroin addict g/f children are still in care due to something to do with him, she can see then unsupervised but if he is there it MUST be supervised.

I have a letter from a safegaurder, recived this week asking my opinion on his suitability to be around young children, I have a sheet of facts, nothing too bad as I am terrified of him, I also have the interdict detailing abuse with my DC and me but one part of it is wrong, it says The School reported to SS.

He called DC phone today to ask if I had received Lawyers letter. I have not. He laughed and said "no-one believes you, why would you take me back if the abuse was so bad" I don't know?? Because I am stupid stupid woman?

I think he is going for custody of my DC, I am very worried and anxious and upset. After he abused me and raped me and ran me over he would write a letter/card of apology, I kept all letters. They detail his drug abuse, they detail how sorry he for running me over, and will never hurt me again.

Does he have any kind of hope of taking my DC from me?

I am terrified to show these letters but will if it means losing my DC. I found out after he left he watched porn in from of my 10 yr old. My Dc told me this, he watched it "every time I left the house" I don't want my 10 yr old questionned but realise it may come to this.

I am receveing couselling (freedom programme) with Womens Aid, he is all the thing they have in their book.

I don't know what I am asking, I am just very very sad and tearful and scared I may lose my DC. Apparently his Lawyer believes him and I believe this as he Jeklye/Hyde and can be very very plausable but why would I phone the police??

I am scared.

SW think he is beating her but cannot prove anything she will not say a bad word against him, I have been there but would never choose my DC over him ~ she has.

I could say more but fear he may see this, he used to put a keylogger on my PC, I know he cannot do this as he is not here but I am still scared, does anyone have any advice, re-assurance, anything?

Thanks for reading I know it is long.

Sorry if I have typos but bit upset, screen a bit fuzzy!

No I don't even have a Social Worker, I am not on their system at all??

I asked my Lawyer about "custody" she said there is no such thing anymore.
Maybe I *do need a different Lawyer.

I will take copies of everything I have. Tomorrow I will phone/visit my existing Lawyer, phone Womens Aid although my worker is on holiday maybe a colleague could advise, take copies of everything I have, phone the safe-gaurder and await this blasted letter.

It's tricky, I am not supposed to know as much as I know about his current situation so I have to be very careful what I say. They tell me the DC are living with them, I know for fact this is untrue but I am not supposed to know I guess I could have heard it on the grape-vine....

I have turned my DCs phones off so he cannot contact me.

I phoned him back and read some of "apology" letters but it was not him who answered it was some other drug addict, I can tell by the way they speak, they have "junkie voice".

I will try not to let it get to me so much. Thank you.

I would be on their system if they knew about him watching porn in front of DC of 10 yrs old. Do you have any advice on whether I should involve this? I know it would mean they would interview DC, he would not lie but I don't like to put him in this position if at all possible but if it means losing my Dc I would have to.

It is called residence now rather than custody. Do you have that? If not you can kick the whole thing off and be in control by putting in for sole residency of the children as that way he can not take them from you. Whether her children live with them or not does not matter as it is your kids and what is best for them and that is not being with their father by the sounds of it. He has hardly seen them and you have offered contact. He has already shown he is disinterested in his children. My ex sometimes still mentions he will go for custody and I just say 'go on then you haven't seen DS in 7-11 weeks or longer. crack on can't wait for a laugh when you try and justify your nights out, weekends away and holidays to a judge as good enough reasons for not sticking to the court order' that shuts him up. Just tell him to go for it. He isn't going to and he wouldn't win anyway. Just try and ignore him very hard I know and something I find extremely hard to do as I am naturally gobby.

I would ask the children if they were willing to tell another adult that works for social services the same stuff as they told you and explain that it was very wrong for them to be shown that kind of stuff. If they do not have a problem then do it.

I expect Women Aid have given you this number but just in case...It is the Rights for Women free legal service number and although only open for a couple of hours a day and very busy they should be able to help you 0207 251 6577.

If my Ex didn't stand a chance of getting our DS yours really has as much hope as I have of winning the lottery.

has anything been said about a CAFCASS officer visiting you?

also, please dont think the fact you took him back will go against you. anyone with any experience of domestic abuse will know that this is VERY COMMON due to controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Okay, no I do not have parental rights as my Lawyer felt we should wait until he showaed any interest and he has never done so.

Thank you for the Womens Aid number I spoke to someone and was very helpful.

I too am a gobby bugger and although I have all phones off so he cannot contact I like keeping one on so I know what their next actions are going to be, I also keep a note of everytime they contact/call and guess I like adding to my bit of A4 paper.

He has bought the no ppresents whatsoever for their birthday/christmases and argused CSA on every point to the point CSA told me he was oe ofthe most annoying people they had every dealt with, then he stopped working altogether so pay us £12 per fortnight.

I have a text saying he was going to give us more money but I was not interested but he did not speak to me about "more money?" he mentioned it to my DC and I though he meant holiday money forthem so told him to stick it in an envelope and send it recorded.

I have been out and copied everything I have, I have came home to a message from Safe-gaurder urging me to call her. I called and once again, got her answer machine so it's her turn to call, me which seems a bit odd on a Sunday so I am thinking this is going to court this week.

I spoke to Ds about the porn, he said although he didn't want to speak to anyone about it, if it was a choice between living with his Dad and speaking about then he would tell the truth. Other DC also said "no way am I going there to live with him".

Nothing has been mentioned about any CAFCASS officer visting me ? What/who is this please?

I do understand that is very common for women to take their abusive partners back now I have had some counselling regarding it all, I was also amazed at the amount of crap I had blocked out but the book I had to read then answer questions on brought IT ALL back and cried solid for a day. I am supposed to keep looking at this book but I detest it, I know it must be helpful as it explains his behaviour but it also triggers memories which in turn trigger nightmares.

Appointment is now set for early this week with Safe-gaurder.

I am exhausted with it all. I am not stopping him seeing DC, I just want it supervised, my youngest in particular has clamed down so much since he left and we have a happy, peaceful home life, we don't have anyone shouting at us or telling us what to do, it's nice,it's homely,I do not hit my DC or believe they shout be hit.

DC do not want to live with or even visit his home as his fiancee is there and they have heard her shout at me and have also unfortunately in the past seen my tears when she used to detail there every movement in text to me, such as the first time they "made love" as he likes to call it.

I have a document from the past, less than a year before he left which clearly states in it that having him in the house is not safe for my DC and that SW were only happy to leave it at and take no further action as I was taking steps to remove him....and that DC were staying with my parents until he left the house, which he did. He then had me rip this document up as it was "so upsetting".

Only the blasted Social Worker did not record this meeting. Thankfully the document speaks of SW involvement and what they advised. It also mentiones 2 incidents with him abusing DC, one of which my youngest, told the school about then SW became involved. I am sure this is wrong though, I am sure it was my counselling who advised SW, my thinking is very confused over it all.

I don't know if this goes for or against me but it also states I took an overdose earlier that year and was unconcious and he seeked no medical help for 2 days until after my GP demanded I go to hospital or they would force me to as my heart was racing, 2 days after the OD. It also states he told me to "just take them" and "it would be better off for everyone if you were dead".

Another worry is I have no address for him, but I guess if it going between Lawyers then I don't need one. I will speak to WA again tomorrow and ask them if they can speak to ther local Council regarding a house move, I am 4th on the list, surely they could bump me further up if I am terrified? I don't know.

Thank you for your advice it is helping me put things into perspective a bit more.

CAFCASS is Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Services. (i'm assuming you're in england?) If this goes to court they will arrange for a cafcass officer to visit you and your children at home. they will assess your home situation and will want to speak to your children alone. they are trained professionals who then write a report and submit it to the court. this then allows the court to get a good idea about your home life. it's good because it's informal and then usually negates the need for children to have to appear in court / via video link etc.

I am in the UK but not Engalnd I think this is the same as a Safe-Gaurder up here as this is what they do I have been advised the very same thing today. They will come to house, talk with my DC and listen to what they want, which is good as they do not want to leave here and never want to be around the g/f, the do want to see their Dad but I think these documents may make this supervised unless he can prove he is changed man??

My eldest is old enough now to speak up for himself and knows what he wants.

Do you think they will view the watching of porn as a thing of his past ?

I am pleased to say we have a nice home-life, it is peaceful, I attend all school reports, I take them to GP if/when required, I take them out once a week just now as that is all I can afford but it's a little treat in the holidays, I take their friends too if they are around. I beg/borrow for school camps/trips. I lay their clothes out for school, every evening so they ready to be jumped into in the morning.

I am sad to say I still don't have any friends, I was cut-off from every friend I had, they all had something he did not like about them and my confidence took a huge nose-dive when he left, I am attending a confidence class starting this month. I also start seeing a phsycotherapist whenI get to the top of their waiting list.

I have one friend but she lives 6 miles away I need to ake for of an effort to go see her.

They fight a bit sometimes but usually resolve and eldest always asks for a kiss from younger one before he goes to sleep each night, I feed them properly, bathe them, sometimes the younger one asks to come in with me I think this is still okay??

My eldest is so sensible and such a kind kind boy, he helps me out so much, when we go to bed which is usally aroundthe same time in the school days, he helps with little things like, checking doors, carrying my magazine/book and we still have a kiss and hug every night and tell each other we love each other, same applies to younger one. We sometimes are childish and message each other from bed, if I hear himmoving I will text "go to sleep x hehe", he will text back "k Mum am trying lol" and back and forth until I say okay "now sleep"!

We have a few animals he helps if they escape, he may need some couselling via WA as he fears he will hit furture g/fs I have explained he is own person and just because looks like IT does not mean he will turn out like IT.

I have asked if we need to do the sex-talk but he said "no we had it at school and it's disgusting" They are my life, I love them with every single bone in my body. I literally live for them and would be lost without them.

Don't hide anything.
The porn thing will go against your ex. It want go against you at all. It will help you ensure only supervised contact is on the cards.

The main thing here is you and your dc want only supervised contact away from his home and his gf.
That is simple enough,
Just keep repeating that to sw safeguarded lawyer etc.

you have a whole host of reasons for offering only supervised contact. Your dc will be fine with that. They want to keep contact but it does not have to be lots of contact right now, supervised a few hours per week or fortnight I slikely while everything is assessed and reviewed. Enough to kee contact not so much it will interfere with day t day life. If he proves himself and his home life calms down well who knows bu you need a good six months or. A year of properly supervised contact .

If this s ordered then you can feel calmer and happier too and things will improve with your own mental and emotional health.

Don't speak to him. Let him speak to your lawyer only.
Don't discuss anything with him.
Tell your lawyer to write and say you offering supervised contact only. At a location eg contact centre away from his gf. This is so it will be safe and well defined for your dc. And that way you don't have to meet or speak with him.

Thank you.

Eldest Ds has just said he thinks tomorrow re: their children is good so he won't have to see/live with his Dad.

Will tell her about porn. Horrid horrid man. I have a letter here saying "going to stop watching so much of that now, know it hurts you".

WA coming to put safety plan in place tomorrow 5.30pm. Advised much same as you no contact whatsoever, I am even upset as eldest DS has stopped working and I know IT will think I have turned it off and I haven't. It really isn't working, it lost charge and wont charge again.

To call back police liaison officer tomorrow re panic alarm as council think "well you could put it in writing but you won't get any more points" WA lady thinks "HTF do they reach that conclusion"?

He was in my dreams/nightmares ticking things off my list last night saying "thats crap", "thats not true" etc etc, so vivid and real.

I am going back to my other name now as I have a few threads I would like to post on and don't wnat them to think i am being ignorant.

Thank you LOTS!!!!

Oh before I change my name back can I just say I had NO idea he watched porn in front of DC until he left.

I also thought he had stopped all drugs as promised.

My eldest DS said to me "mum do you know Dad used to watch porn on the laptop"

ME: "when son?, how do you know?"

DS: "OH every time you went out he didn't think I could see him as I was playing on PC but I could see him"

Also

DS: "Mum why did Dad and Peter run black stuff down milky bar paper with a lighter when you were out?"

Also

DS: (youngest) "Dad drinks Fairy Liquid"
ME: "LOL What do mean son? was he blowing bubbles?" (naive)

DS: "No on holiday, every morning we went to the shops forthe rolls in the morning he would take big drinks out of the bottle"

ME: "Where did he keep the bottle?"

DS: "In the boot of the car behind his cleaning box"

I cannot buy green fairy liquid. Hence counselling.

Bastard.

Fairy Liquid = methadone bought from streets

is clear you need to keep yourself and your dc away from this man;
if he pushes then only properly supervised contact.

you can explain to your lawyer that ds has revealed more about his time with dad. tell everything.

about his other children/his gf? not your responsibility.

I could not agree more.

I had a very interesting meeting today with Safe-gaurder regarding her DC.

Can you belive they sat and told her my boys visit "all the time" and "were there that very morning", she said so your DC have never been to Glasgow? No, never, I would not allow it and my DC do not want to go near their home so would never force that upon them. "So not even their previous address" NO NEVER!!!

I cannot believe their .....I have no words for them.

I thought she would like to know about the past months since he left she did not, she wanted to know about our full married life together all the shitty XX years of it.

I showed her a page from the freedom programme, and said this is him: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/dominator.html

What more could I say?? A lot it would seem

So I told her every thing, from hitting me (before married) from visiting GP pre-wedding and crying and saying "its all planned I cannot cancel" (bloody idiot) hitting me with objects, how we would conjur up stories about my bruising, to him believing I was having constant affairs..to drug dealing, to lying, affairs, what he has told me about their relationship (stormy) Fairy liquid, porn, running black stuff down foil EVERYTHING, I missed out 3 things but she was very in control of the meeting. I missed the effect i has had on eldest, I missed out something I cannot type on here as TMI, I missed out the keylogger, as I say she was very in control of the meeting and scibbling furiously.

I did not answer 2 questions fully, "what is your opinion of him being with DC", I said I did not feel I could answer this fully but he is very volatile and a compulsive liar to the point he believes himself and may have some mental problem so do let my DC have contact unless supervised by his parents and even then he questions them.

Who are the heroin dealers around here: I do not know this. I have no contact with heroin dealer, he did I don't.

She is calling me back though I have 3 choices:

1. I gave a full and frank statement - and get myself in bad bad trouble and be scared

1. I gave no statement - and she can somehow incorporate what I have this into her report. (but they will now it has come from me?? surely)

1. I gave limited information as was reluctant through fear - and she can incoroprate this into her report.

I think I may go with the limited information, this way I have spoken to her, gave her some information regarding contact and they are bloody liars and my children have never been near their house the pair of lunatics, she has a copy of the interdict I took out, which she has said she could have obtained from elsewhere.

Her words on leaving:

Me: He can be very plausable and nice.
Her: Yes, nice, very nice, too nice, EVIL!!

She can see through him !! I thank the lord for answering my prayers!!

Still no lawyers letter re my DC, mind games again, will check post again tomorrow???

Still having awful nightmares with him in them so leaving now and going back to other name for a wee while.

Thank you again all contact is stopped, if his parents ask why, I will tell them, he has a Lawyer now.