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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

what does the term "single mother" say about you?

83 replies

Nightynight · 01/03/2006 13:19

When I was talking to a recent new acquaintance (unmarried, childless), I mentioned that I was divorced and had 4 children. I hadn't said anything about my job etc.
She said "Oh, so you're a single mother then?"
I said yes, but afterwards, I wondered what exactly she meant.
Do you think she automatically assumed I was on benefits?
Does the term "single mother" carry any associations to you?

OP posts:
Tinker · 01/03/2006 13:20

Means strong, organised, independent etc to me. Good things.

helsi · 01/03/2006 13:21

Are you sure that your reaction is not linked to your own thoughts on the term "single mother"?

I would just take the comment to mean that she didn't know you were single.

fastasleep · 01/03/2006 13:24

Means good things to me too... 'single mother' just conjours up images of a superwoman!

MrsBadger · 01/03/2006 13:27

I find 'single mother' sounds positive and strong as Tinker suggests.
The term I really hate is 'single mum', which to me has bad associations, but I can't quite pinpoint why.

weird, eh?

Original poster
Nightynight · 01/03/2006 13:27

helsi, no, I dont have any thoughts about it. It was the way she came out with, "So, youre a single mother" when Id just told her about my children.
As though she had pigeon-holed me, in a separate category from other mothers, and I wondered what exactly she was getting at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightynight · 01/03/2006 13:28

thank you for positive comments btw!

OP posts:
GDG · 01/03/2006 13:30

To me it means 'works bloody hard'. I'm not one and that's why I think it - how they cope without a partner to pitch in is beyond me. They have my utmost admiration.

Bugsy2 · 01/03/2006 14:17

single mother is how I describe myself, because that is what I am. I don't think it can carry any more stereotypes than other terms such as "stay at home mother", "working mother" etc

bluejelly · 01/03/2006 14:50

I am happy to describe myself as a single mother. I prefer it to Lone parent for some reason.
I don't feel alone, or single for that matter, but I am bring up my daughter single-handedly, if that makes sense.

nulnulcat · 01/03/2006 15:01

problem is people stereotype so many single mothers into the sponging off the state types that have loads of kids and dont want to support themselves there are many of us who support ourselves and children in my case i run my own business own my own home have no debts and do a damn good job bringing up dd with no help or supprt from ex and my family live other end of country most of my friends respect me for it and often say they dont know how i do it

prettyfly1 · 01/03/2006 15:03

means "dont bother tryinhg to get anywhere financially regardless of how hard you work" too me" grr. doesnt really mean that - i just have a bag on :) realistically it means busy, hardworking superwoman and only someone who is totlaly ignorant would think differently

7up · 01/03/2006 15:04

hi nulnulcat, its hard work tho isnt it!i actually hate admitting to people im a single mum becoz i think were stereotyped. good luck for tomoror by the way

nulnulcat · 01/03/2006 15:11

thanks 7up got to take her in at 4 think she knows she is going to be starved she hasnt stopped eating today!! i know what you mean about not admitting to being a single mum i split up with her dad when pregnant and would not admit to people i didnt know i was on my own as knew most would presume i was some sort of slapper as i only look young was lucky as met current partner a couple of months after she was born so most people now just presume she is his

Bugsy2 · 01/03/2006 15:23

I think there was a stereotype that single mums were teenage spongers, but given I'm 36 & speak like the Queen, it is not one I worry about a great deal!!!! Grin

jco · 02/03/2006 16:42

I am a single mother and to me it means being a strong women, a surviver,

winnie · 02/03/2006 16:49

Bugsy, I don't speak like the Queen BUT I am 36 and a single mother too and your post made me smile.

I'd like to add something positive on this thread, being a single mother myself, BUT I am afraid in my experience, like it or not, the term 'single mother' equals a stereotype. :(

It is a term that needs to be reclaimed.

nightowl · 03/03/2006 03:50

i would like to add something if i may because this subject winds me up.

i am a single mother, i live in a council house and i am on benefits too (whooo shock horror, what a lazy cow eh?) all i do all day is sit on my fat ass and watch trisha, while i polish my gold and put gel in my badly bleached hair. i only had babbies to get a council house dontcha know, it was my ambition, what ive always wanted.

i am a single mother through no fault of my own. i live in a council house because i could not get any money back from my mortgage, didnt earn enough to pay another mortgage anyway. i am now on benefits because i got made redundant twice, have tried and tried and failed to get another job.

and i am bloody sick and tired of being made to feel like a piece of scum for it. i am everything people expect of a single mother on the surface. im sick and tired of being made to feel like a scrounger, lazy, rubbish mother. nothing is ever as it seems and some people would do well to remember that. i dont LIKE claiming off the state, i feel like lowest of the low but at the moment it is a necessary evil, not a permanent measure.

i hate being stereotyped like we are, it brings me down every day.

i only wish people who think like this could see the threads i posted when i lost my job, its the worst thing that ever happened to me.

rant over.

Original poster
Nightynight · 03/03/2006 08:08

nightowl
completely sympathise. Have been on benefits myself, and am only off them now because of (free) childcare support from dx. So I rarely come across the prejudice you describe now, but as you can see from my original post, I am hyper-sensitive about it!
It is just a phase in your life, it will pass, like everything.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 03/03/2006 08:26

I think single mother has such wide connotations.
I mean there is the stereotypical 'sponger' one, and then there are people like Kate Moss and Liz Hurley. They are no less single mothers than any of us!

kama · 03/03/2006 08:30

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anorak · 03/03/2006 08:36

This is so interesting.

I used to be a single mother to my two DDs, I was dumped by their father when the little one was one year old. However, it shouldn't make any difference whether one has arrived at that position by being dumped or by making the break themself.

I didn't claim benefits or receive anything from the father. I worked very very hard to rise from a position of heavy debt I was left in by the father to one of owning my own lucrative business after 4 years when I met my now DH.

And again, that doesn't mean to say that I see those who fall back on benefits as scroungers. I see single mothers living on benefits in council accommodation as well and truly trapped. It breaks my heart to think of it. Especially those who have no family around to support them. How do they ever get out? Who helps them when they are ill? How can they ever get enough money together for little treats? I feel this group of people are much maligned by certain sectors of society and have extraordinarily hard lives. This is why I despise John Redwood after his harsh comments several years ago stereotyping single mothers as a drain on society. There was no lateral thought for the reasons they'd become single mums or the hardship of their situation.

Surely there are lazy, grasping single mums - just as there are lazy, grasping people in every part of society. It must be harder for them to grasp anything than the average person though!

I am a big fan of Dr Phil, and never more so when he cited his heroes in life: single parents.

kama · 03/03/2006 09:02

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Message withdrawn

bluejelly · 03/03/2006 09:18

Who is Dr Phil, anorak? ( like the sound of him already)

anorak · 03/03/2006 09:24

He's a life coach who rose to fame appearing on Oprah and now has his own show on Sky One. (Not running at the moment except repeats in the middle of the night AFAIK)

He's more than a counsellor, he cuts the crap in a big way. He wants people to feel better and have better lives now, not after years and years of therapy and works to that end. Has also written several self-help books.

\link{http://www.drphil.com/Dr Phil website}

anorak · 03/03/2006 09:26

\link{http://www.drphil.com/\Whoops, try again!}