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Lone parents

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Original poster

what does the term "single mother" say about you?

83 replies

Nightynight · 01/03/2006 13:19

When I was talking to a recent new acquaintance (unmarried, childless), I mentioned that I was divorced and had 4 children. I hadn't said anything about my job etc.
She said "Oh, so you're a single mother then?"
I said yes, but afterwards, I wondered what exactly she meant.
Do you think she automatically assumed I was on benefits?
Does the term "single mother" carry any associations to you?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 03/03/2006 09:33

Thanks anorak, just skimmed the website and he seems to be eminently sensible ( and love his cheesey grin Grin )

Lasvegas · 03/03/2006 12:32

nightowl I know where you are coming from. I nearly ended up living off benefits. My husband left as our DD was born. Despite being very well qualified with a well paying career. I couldn't manage to pay a mortgage in London & pay nursery fees etc. I have no choice but to work in London as I am in fairly specilised field, so was forced to pay London prices.

I was saved from having to fall back onto the State for help because DD god father invested in my home which in effect means he pays half the mortgage each month and in return when we sell in 15 years time he will I hope end up with a good return on his investment. I realise that I am very lucky. DD Godfather was shocked that someone at 32, who had a planned pregnancy, worked hard and had qualifications galore was in a situation where they couldn't afford to pay childcare so would have to abandon their career and in effect cease to pay tax, just because their husband decided on a whim he no longer wanted to be a father.

dinosaur · 03/03/2006 12:33

I think it says, "brave", "independent" and "determined".

kama · 03/03/2006 13:28

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WideWebWitch · 03/03/2006 13:33

I think the term single mother is pejorative. I was very shocked when I left ex dh and moved to Devon because it absolutely hadn't occurred to me that I was a 'single mother' and SUDDENLY that was how people described me, as if it was my defining characteristic. And I've posted this before but it seemed to me there was a hierarchy of single motherhood like this:

Was married, widowed, the best type
Was married, divorced, at least you were married once
Never married, lowlier
I don;t agree with this, obv, but I remember the look on this woman's face when she said 'OH, So you were married once?' - I suddenly went up in her estimation. It's horrible. OK, now I'll read the thread!

WideWebWitch · 03/03/2006 13:35

Oh sorry, I'm answering the wrong q entirely. I think there term says 'bloody hard work' to me, because that's what it is. I was posting what I thought the term meant to other people which isn't quite what you asked, sorry. I don't think it should be a pejorative word btw, I just think it probably is.

winnie · 03/03/2006 13:37

Haven't caught up with this thread BUT have realised I read the title wrong in the first place. What does "single mother" say about me?

Good things. I didn't choose it this time around (did first time) BUT absolutely know it is better for children to have separated parents who are happy (well I am ~ even if he isn't) than two miserable parents. Thrust upon one or chosen by one, single motherhood is a powerful, happy (although exhausting - that is being a parent) place to be for me...

WideWebWitch · 03/03/2006 13:38

THE term, not there term, sorry.

bluejelly · 03/03/2006 14:11

I can't honestly say I have felt in any way stigmatised by my status though... it's so common nowadays isn't it?

mistressmiggins · 03/03/2006 14:14

I get nothing but admiration from people - they regularly say "take my hat off to you - dont know how you manage"

cos we have to !!

bluejelly · 03/03/2006 14:25

Indeed MM. I think Britain has come on leaps and bounds in this way. Dread to think what is was like in the 50s and 60s though...

EmilyD · 27/03/2006 14:27

I've become a single mum after being married 10 years, together 14, had baby (now 3.5) and husband cannot deal with teh resopnsiblity and because he can't do what he wants when he wants he wants out, he's become obsessed by his appearance and had an affair, mid life crisis and all of that. his character has gone from being a doting father and husband to this selfish, self obsessed idiot.

I just wish he could feel the hurt and pain he has caused me. Are men really worth the effort?

pepperpots · 27/03/2006 14:35

I see single mum as being supermum! I never forget going to look at a prospective rental property, and took both my boys aged 3 and 22 months and the lanlord said in a snooty voice "oh you're a single mother are you?" Shock to which i replied that i was currently alone but my partner was to be moving in with me and my children. He automatically turned into a charming slimeball and couldnt wait for me to sign the agreement! Needless to say i didn't take him up on his offer

pepperpots · 27/03/2006 15:34

well and truly killed that one Blush thats about the fifth thread today!

mummypumpkin · 28/03/2006 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamsam · 28/03/2006 14:58

hi, can iadd something here.

ive been a mum for 7 years and without the support of the kids father for 4 years, but i am in no way a 'single mum'. i have had relationships and i havent, i have the support of my family, friends and a great and understanding school. i resent being labelled a 'single mum' as i am simply a mum who happens to be single. neither am i a lone parent, as i am far from 'lone'. i just dont get why i have to be something other than a mum. :)

nightowl · 31/03/2006 02:15

mummypumpkin! is that how you feel? Sad i felt like that for a long time.

ghosty · 31/03/2006 02:19

Single mother means good things to me too ... I always feel a bit in awe of women who do it alone because I can't think how I would manage ...

arfissimeau · 31/03/2006 03:17

I normally wonder how they do it and think how strong they must be. I spent a long time looking after DD on my own and it's the hardest thing in the world.

ggglimpopo · 31/03/2006 07:45

Hey, Nightynight - have you been asked the two questions that really really used to piss me off - till I figured out a response.

As a single mother of four children, I was asked more than once:

"Are they all yours?"

or

"Have they all got the same father?"

I would reply "Why?"

Grin

I remember someone saying how wonderful my now dh was "taking on a single woman and her four children", to which I pointed out that it was infinitely preferable than him taking on a married woman and her four children....

The difference between a "single mother" and a yummy mummy is how good she feels about herself.

mistressmiggins · 31/03/2006 08:11

EmilyD - YES men are worth the effort
Most men are good husbands and fathers
We have been unfortunate to pick the minority

If I've learnt one thing from H leaving, its that most of the men I know are good husbands & fathers and have sadly shown me that I just wasnt getting as much support or care that i deserve

Agree with jamsam
I happen to be a mum who is single
I have sooooo much suypport from family and friends it is unreal
Doesnt take away the loneliness or make bedtime easier but I too am by no means alone

Turquoise · 31/03/2006 09:12

I agree that 'single mum' has tremendous Vicky Pollard connotations to me and therefore I'm more likely to say 'lone parent'.

I generally find that people's attitudes change when they discover I'm working - it's the "just a mum" dismissal which I used to feel before I was single, and strangely enough now I feel I get more respect from people as a working single mother than I did as a stay at home mum in a couple. But maybe that's my own projection - I certainly have more self respect now. That's not a dig at non-working mothers (single or not) from me though - my children are older and in school full time, and I've been lucky enough to find a job in a college so have almost school holidays, and wouldn't be working otherwise. And it's hard enough coping on my wage and the csa minimum maintenance, hats off to anyone who copes on benefits alone.

I absolutely agree with WWW's sliding scale of respect - as a 'never been married' single mum I'm very aware of it, in spite of the fact that xp and I were together over 20 years.

mummypumpkin · 01/04/2006 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanchpanch · 02/04/2006 00:24

I have 2 by 2 as well and i am so embarrased by it, but hey i cant change it.....

Single parent to me just means small family.

i work but dont mind if people dont want to work and want to be a sahm and maybe claim benifits, why shouldnt they have the same choices in raising there kids, you cant win, if your in a couple you get moaned at for going to work and putting child in childcare, yet if you lone parent you get slated for wanting to stay at home........

pebblemum · 02/04/2006 02:13

Having been there i know that the term 'Single Mother' means a strong, independant hard working woman who has to do the work of two people.

When I was a single mother I felt I had to be both Mum and Dad to DS1 to make up for the fact his dad was a selfish git who one day decided he didnt want to be a dad and disappeared leaving the two of us homeless and penniless. It was hard enough adjusting to that without having to deal with the predujices of being a single mum. I thought being a mum was hard enough when there were two of you but when you are on yur own you have to do everything yourself. You cant just pop out for a few minutes on your own if you need a break, theres no one to help around the house, theres no one there to give you encouragement at the end of a hard day, no one to comfort you and 90% of the time there is no adult conversation. It doesnt matter how ill you are you still have to get up and carry on. You have to deal with all the questions your children ask about their absent dads, try to make up for the fact there isnt a dad around to take them to the park for a game of footy and all the time do it with a smile on your face.

In my opinion those people that look down their noses at single mums and assume they have it easy have obviously never experienced it themselves for if they had they would have nothing but admiration for them. I know there are and always will be, the stereo type 'Vicky Pollard' but its about time people realised that the majority of single mothers are nothing like that.

And why dont 'single fathers' experience the same negative reactions. They could be in the same boat as a woman ie the partner walked out leaving him and the kids, he claims benefits and lives in a council house and yet people always treat them differently to single mums.