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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

what does the term "single mother" say about you?

83 replies

Nightynight · 01/03/2006 13:19

When I was talking to a recent new acquaintance (unmarried, childless), I mentioned that I was divorced and had 4 children. I hadn't said anything about my job etc.
She said "Oh, so you're a single mother then?"
I said yes, but afterwards, I wondered what exactly she meant.
Do you think she automatically assumed I was on benefits?
Does the term "single mother" carry any associations to you?

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 02/04/2006 07:54

I would lo9ve to know what my ex has said about our marriage and break-up

here where our friends & family are, everyone is utterly shocked by his actions and cant understand it - we didnt have that bad a marriage - I know everyone says that but we didnt.

I cant understand how he can justify leaving wife & 2 children under 4, to live 90 miles away (soon to be 150) and shack up with a new gf so quickly

he must be saying some pretty horrible things about me

thankfully for me, everyone is very supportive and full of admiration cos even those whose husbands work away during the week, get company at weekends.

I did find weekends hard at first as town is full of families but last Sunday we went to the park, and it was full of one parent families. Yes maybe the othe half was at home, but I didnt look that odd

sad fact of life that single familues are becoming the norm

Medea · 02/04/2006 08:53

For me it conjures up positive associations.

In fact, when I left my dh for 4 months last year and took my kids to New York, I was v. tempted to refer to myself as a single mother, even though I wasn't really. . .or not yet. I was just trying to decide what to do, really, and I was hardly being forced out of my marriage. But it made me feel rather strong and grown-up and sort of brave to think of myself as a "single mother" for an albeit brief time.

And, well, in my circle of friends, single motherhood is the sort of thing that's admired. But in my mother's circle it wouldn't be admired--I'd have been viewed as having "failed" in some way. So if I were a single mother I'd surround myself with like-minded people, and avoid the judgmental "society-is-falling-apart-because-of-single-mothers" contingent. But even now I have no patience for that type, and have little reason to cross paths with them. And if I ever did, I'd make sure I had a collection of snappy comebacks like ggglimpopo.

wheretogo · 02/04/2006 09:06

Definately means strong. I am proud of my son, he is a credit to me. I am proud that I have my own business and am able to buy my own house.

It definately wasn't in my life-plan but I am here and all I have to do is remind myself of the bad times with ex-p where I couldn't escape (and read a few threads in the relationship forum) and realise how lucky and independant I am.

wheretogo · 02/04/2006 09:11

Just reading other posts, mummypumpkin thats really sad [big hug].
Don't feel like that Your kids fathers are the ones who should be ashamed. Just as the father of mine should.
What area are you in?
Have you heard of the Single Parent Travel Club - they are run voluntarily by members and arrange days out (from pic-nics in parks, to swimming, to weekends away in youth hostels, theme parks and holidays overseas). It is a great way to meet positive people in the same situation - comes from all walks of life. Let me know if you want more details

rickman · 02/04/2006 09:15

Ggglimpopo - I also get the "do they all have the same dad" comments. Probably because I was pregnant when I left, THEY ASSume I got pregnant by someone else and he kicked me out.

I know what exp thinks of me, he thinks I'm a parasite and a sponger, he told me the other day. I should be working and not relying on him for maintenance. The fact that I have 4 of 8 and under and I could never afford the childcare is irrelevant.

I do find myself telling people that i'm on my own, probably because i hope they will be slightly more sympathetic when they see me running around like a complete mad thing. Reality is though that I'm pretty sure that lots of people look down their nose at me, especially as I have ended up in a not very nice area.

edam · 02/04/2006 09:18

Single mother = hard working to me. And probably let down by some fool of a man. My own parents divorced when I was ten so am biased, obviously.

WideWebWitch · 02/04/2006 10:04

Medea, were you someone else on mn before and have you and I emailed in the past re some advice I wanted from you? (trying to phrase that so I don't out you if you don't want people to know but so you get what I mean!)

wobblyknicks · 02/04/2006 10:11

To others I know it seems to mean hopeless, chavvy, desperate for a bloke and somehow second rate.

To me it means contented, independant, strong, competent and TIRED!

Medea · 02/04/2006 15:40

[www, yes I was "expatkat" and changed names maybe, well, 7 months or so ago. It's not a secret, but it's thoughtful of you to be subtle about it.]

WideWebWitch · 02/04/2006 17:21

Ahhh, thought so, thanks Medea!

spursmum · 02/04/2006 17:36

I also get the 'look' when people know that is just me and ds but that soon changes as soon as they know that ds is ASD. Then it's all 'How do you manage it?' and 'I really admire you for it' and all that bllcks.
Is it my fault that XP decided that he wanted to keep his life and forgo his responsibilities(sp?) and pretend that he hasn't got a child?
Yes I'm a single parent, yes I'm on benefits, and yes I live in a housing association flat but I work bloody hard to get my son all the help he needs and to raise him right.
Ok Rant over....breathe.....

mummypumpkin · 02/04/2006 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bourneville · 03/04/2006 13:23

have only skimmed thread but read nightowl's first rant and now have one of my own! I am a single mum on benefits too, I too feel the stereotype and very rarely admit to strangers/other mums that i am a single mum in case of stereotypes. But nighotwl, i am on benefits through choice, I haven't tried to get a job. dd is 2.7. I have felt very very strongly that the best thing for her was to be at home with mum (may have felt differently if she hadn't always been a very clingy sensitive child). If I could have, I would have put her into some sort of other care not long after her 2nd birthday but only very very part time and very gradually, for which getting a job is not possible. She will be starting pre school 3 mornings a week in sept and again I am not going to get a job because I feel very strongly her stable home life/ my presence will be very important. I will review in another year and if not then, I will certainly be back at work by the time dd is settled into full time school. I don't regret any of my decision in the least and am very proud that my daughter is growing up confident, secure and sure of her home. What's more, I am not being a SAHM because I am lazy, I would prefer to have been able to work part time for a while now, but do not because I don't think it would be the best thing for dd.

I realise tons of other mothers/parents have no choice and have to go back to work, and still others choose to because it is best for them and/or their children, and it is only the very rich or very poor who can actually choose to be SAHMs. But just because I have to "sponge off the state" to do it, why should I compromise on what I think is best for my daughter? I have worked since aged 18 (till age 27) and paid my taxes, and hardly needed any health care for e.g., and I am doing one of the most important things in the world in bringing up a child and I intend to do it the very best way I believe how.

sod the stereotypes!

singledad · 03/04/2006 21:59

Can maybe give a different slant on things. I have been on my own with kids for a few years. At first I did try to keep working as I didnt want to be a 'sponging' single parent. It was hopeless for all sorts of reasons, not just financially. So decided to give up and face long term unemployment as kids were very young. Have never regretted it for a minute. Have always been around when needed as there was no one else to call on and kids have known it. The schools have always known I could be depended on and helped out in allsorts of ways. Kids are now older and have worked part time for a few years as well as a bit of voluntary stuff. The important thing has been that the kids have always had someone to depend on. I see families with both parents that dont manage it, so am not bothered about being labelled as single parent.
Do see people do a rethink when first meet, as living in a nice house on a nice estate in a nice town, (IYKWIM), and being sp without a proper job.
Unlike women, men are usually judged by their jobs, and an sp is a tricky one to figure out, but am happy to be labelled.

busybusybee · 03/04/2006 22:11

Mistressmiggins - Your comment about your friends and family being really shocked by your dhs actions really struck a chord with me.

My friends and family dont know yet about dhs big decision (to leave). They are going to be soooooooo shocked and upset. Like you our marriage isnt exactly terrible. We get on really well most of the time. He says he loves me. I love him. Yet he is determined to leave us and go and live on his own. It makes no sense whatever to me :( :(

Re the phrase single parent - I cant bear to think of myself like that yet. Whenever I think of it the word "stastic" pops into my head and I get upset. I cant bear the thought of being a negative sounding statistic.

bourneville · 03/04/2006 23:36

I think we just all need to be really proud of what we're doing as parents no matter what our circumstances are. We all know we work bloody hard and we are doing one of the most difficult (and rewarding!) thing anyone can do in life. Labels are unnecessary and unfair.

WideAwake · 03/04/2006 23:37

you only had one mother?

handlemecarefully · 03/04/2006 23:53

I'm not a single mum but could be one day. There but for the Grace of god go I....

Sadly I think the term has negative connotations (for some inexplicable reason society 'judges')which are wholly unwarranted.

jamsam · 04/04/2006 14:33

its all about what you see, what you learn and what you teach. my kids will never use the phrase single mother as they never hear it, i hope. any one can have a baby, but who brings it up well and teaches it well are the parents, they dont have to be married to each other or even be male female. im sure that with the right upbringing and attitude any family can succeed, i just hope im one of them.

jamsam · 05/04/2006 12:20

i was wondering...have any of you actually decided to have kids on your own??

bluejelly · 05/04/2006 13:58

not me... in fact don't think I have ever met anyone in real life who has decided to do that. Though have read about it in magazines etc

Fribba · 05/04/2006 16:34

Hi I fell pregnant in the early stages of a relationship! Well actually he was my Boss at work and we split after three months! NOt the best situation to get yourself into. My Daughter is now five and is very close to her Dad and his partner! However for me i've taken a back seat with regards to relationships! I'm proud to be a single parent i'm also very proud that we've as a family managed to pull together for our Daughter! It's not been easy my Ex has just recently had a baby with his new partner! So this will now be a new phase for us FINGERS CROSSED!

MillionDollarBaby · 05/04/2006 16:59

What Tinker said..

I am very proud to be a succesful single mum, to a lovely well adjusted little girl. Her father contributes nothing to her life I work hard so we can lead a comfortable life and so I couterbalance his negative input. I have blossomed since becoming a (single)mother and my life now has the direction it was so severly lacking before dd came along. I hope when people look into my life from the outside that they see exactly that and not just somebody who has an unplanned child from a failed 'relationship'

After that blatant boast and small rant I'll be off for a quick flick through the active convo list.

Original poster

Nightynight · 05/04/2006 21:23

hello ggg
yes, worse - when I was married to dx (dark), people would blatantly look at ds1 (ash blonde and fair skinned) and I could see their minds at work thinking how did she have a blonde child, the slut....

will email you in a sec, have been offline for a few days because I HAVE FINALLY GOT MY CHILDREN! but we are currently homeless.

rickman - your ex and mine evidently have a lot in common. He too thinks that I should take responsibility for everything.

OP posts:

jamsam · 06/04/2006 10:22

people always ask me if mine have the same dad, despite looking alike!
then agian, im dark, oldest is very fair and youngest is almost ginger...so i can see thier point!!!
i was once asked if i enjoyed living on a council estate seeing as i was single, which really shocked me, i havent lived on a council estste for over 4 years!

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