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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would it worry you if your partner didn't see his other kids?

93 replies

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 20:59

When I met my partner almost 3 years ago, he had two kids aged 1 and 2 and my daughter was 2 years old. He had been seperated for a few months, as had I. He had his children over 50% of the time and my daughter and his kids got on great and we were all very happy. After a year of this, his ex wife stopped contact altogether (she met someone else who she was trying to introduce as daddy.) We could see that this was going to happen a mile off and I regularly urged him to get a contact order while he was having so much contact so that it would continue. He left it...and left it...and had no contact whatsoever for 6 months, when his ex needed a baby sitter. Once it resumed, contact was once per 3/4/5/6 weeks as and when she deemed to allow it. Again, I suggested he seek a contact order so that he could have reliable contact (she would often cancel with no notice/he would arrive to collect the children and they wouldn't be home/she moved house without telling him etc etc) but he didn't. Since Christmas he has seen them twice and the last time was over two months ago. He has said that he will seek a contact order. However, he already has a defeatist attitude that she will not turn up at court etc. She may well not, but I know that if I hadn't seen my kids for over two months I'd be willing to try anything - much less would I have left it so long to sort out altogether.

We are due to have our first baby together in a few weeks and his lack of action with regard to his previous children - when he has my full support and encouragement in seeing them - leaves me worried. As it is we are having to continue to live seperately as his lack of action sorting out his divorce, debts and children mean he cannot afford to support DD, baby and I (he promised to sort divorce and hadn't so many debts when I fell pregnant) and the longer he leaves things, the longer the living apart situation is going to continue. He keeps feeling sorry for himself and asking me if he is a bad dad for not seeing his kids, and as much as his wife is a b*tch and hasn't made things easy, I do think he hasn't made nearly enough effort to sort it and is continuing to not make enough effort so that he can live with and be involved with our baby. What do you think?

OP posts:

catinboots · 09/05/2012 21:01

Yes. Sorry it would

DowagersHump · 09/05/2012 21:05

It's not just the not seeing his kids is it? It's the divorce and debts too :(

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:07

But the debts and divorce don't really affect me...I have no urgency to marry him and don't really expect him to support us financially. It's the lack of action regarding his kids that worries me. He says how much he loves them yet is missing out on so much of their lives. If I left him tomorrow, would he actually do anything to see our baby/my daughter whom he has treated as his own for the past (almost) 3 years? I very much doubt it :(

OP posts:

DowagersHump · 09/05/2012 21:12

I don't understand why you say they don't affect you - you said they mean you can't move in together. Or perhaps I misunderstood that.

FannyBazaar · 09/05/2012 21:12

Yes it would bug me, I couldn't cope with that, I'd want someone who was completely involved in their kids lives. No way would I live with a man who was still married either, what's the hold up with the divorce? Does he just feel that divorce and a contact order will cost him too much money so not worth doing?

DowagersHump · 09/05/2012 21:13

And x-posted - you're about to have his child and you're not expecting any financial support? Why ever not?

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:16

Ah I see what you mean :) Practically they affect me as I will pretty much be a single parent until we can move in together, yes. But emotionally, I find his lack of effort regarding his kids/our baby more worrying. FannyBazaar I've told him we're not moving in together until he is divorced. It wouldn't be so bad living together whilst he's still married if his wife wasn't evil, but unfortunately she is and makes his (and therefore mine more so if we lived together) life as difficult as possible. He has only just started divorce proceedings and I'm still waiting for him to actually take action and complete the consent order.

OP posts:

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 09/05/2012 21:16

To be honest it would worry me a lot as well

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:17

I meant that I don't expect him to be in a position to support myself, DD and I. Not that I don't expect any contribution towards the baby at all.

OP posts:

PigletUnrepentant · 09/05/2012 21:19

I'm sorry, but I think you already have your answer, it's basically slapping you in your face.

He doesn't see his kids, and doesn't seem to have the will to go the extra mile to see them, but at the same time, he's happy to drag his feet to sort his divorce out and debts in order to live with you, your DD and his new baby.

So, he doesn't see his kids other kids and is not motivated to move his arse in order to be with you and your children either. I think you need to see him like someone who is good company, probably fun and nice to your kids, but that's about it. :(

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:19

Honesty is appreciated so no worries :)

I think it's worth mentioning that his wife had numerous affairs/one-night stands and so part of his reluctance to act is based on the fear that one/both children might not be biologically his. However, I feel like he can't hide behind that forever. He needs to fight for them and everyone needs to know the truth. Sitting around feeling sorry for himself about what might be is not going to improve anything.

OP posts:

Latemates · 09/05/2012 21:19

A different perspective - maybe he is trying so hard to keep the peace and keep her on side so that he can see his children sometimes.
I know someone who was like this for a while but then realized that if he didn't stand up to his ex he would never maintain a meaningful relationship with his kids. The problem with fighting for contact with an unreasonable RP is that while you go through the process things can get a lot worse.
It sounds like he was very involved and maybe he believed his ex was going through a phase initially, now maybe he feels guilt for not acting sooner. Maybe he is depressed (it is extremely stressful when there are even minor contact issues and these sound more then minor).
Maybe he isn't sure what action is in his kids best interest.
Support him with whatever he decides, he should document everything. My advice is always if he applies for a contact order it is highly likely he will get regular and far more contact than at present. But even if this doesn't happen. He has records proving that he tried to maintain contact should the children believe when they are older that it was him that never cared or bothered to see them.

I am assuming should you split you wouldn't prevent your children having a full relationship with their father so I do not think you need to worry.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:22

I can see your point totally PigletUnrepentant but truth is he is a great dad to my daughter, will be to our baby (as much as our situation allows) and would be to his kids if his wife still let him see them. His lack of action is due to being downtrodden by his wife for so long that he hasn't got the will to make and carry out decisions for himself. But in my opinion, leaving everything is just making it worse and worse. I have already waited almost 3 years for him, DD has known him as her father figure for that long yet we still don't live together or see each other as much as we all should.

OP posts:

GinPalace · 09/05/2012 21:24

Blimey - stunned anyone can be so laissez faire and utterly lacking in any apparent spine when it comes to their kids and/or future family set-up.

OK the ex sounds like a problem but at some point he was with her for long enough / deeply enough to have two kids by her so he chose that person for a a significant partner in the past.

Neither of those two things would inspire me with enough confidence to be pregnant by him until I saw some indication he was going to do better in the future.

Hope things turn out OK for you and I'm sure he has some good qualities, but suspect you will always have to be the driving force in your life together which could get burdensome at times / in the future. :-/

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:25

No I would never prevent it, but I also don't agree that contact should necessarily be handed on plate for him or else he wouldn't have any. If the situation with his kids continues and they ask him why he didn't see them more, him answering 'I text your mummy but she didn't reply' isn't really going to cut it, is it? I'm with you on trying for a contact order as any contact is better than none and proof of action will definitely be needed to counteract any subsequent brainwashing about daddy not wanting to see them. Yes it does make him very stressed when dealing with the contact issues, but burying his head in the sand isn't going to improve things and the more he delays the more guilt/difficulties it is going to cause in the end.

OP posts:

Gumby · 09/05/2012 21:29

Why did you decide to have a baby with him before all this was resolved ?especially the debts & not living together
You'll be a single parent to two kids until he sorts it out
Add a newborn into the mix it's all going to be so stressful

RecursiveMoon · 09/05/2012 21:30

jen, have you posted about this before?

I think the same now as I thought then - your partner needs to grow up and to sort his life out (contact / paternity tests etc). And of course, you and your new child need to be a big part of his life. You sound like you have your head screwed on - please look at this situation (and your partner) as if you were on the outside advising a friend about it.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:31

The debts were passed on to him by his wife after I fell pregnant. When I fell pregnant he was having contact with his kids and we were planning to move in together as his wife had agreed to a simple divorce.

OP posts:

Gumby · 09/05/2012 21:33

poor you

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:35

Yes I have posted before...time is dragging on and the closer the birth of our baby is the more ridiculous it all feels. It doesn't feel like we're having a baby together as, to all intents and purposes, we aren't really a proper couple. Yes we love each other, DD loves him...but we don't live together, we spend a couple of nights per week together at most. He is even decorating a room at his house for DD and the baby which obviously DD (now aged 4.5) sees when we visit but realistically the foreseeable future shows no prospect of moving in when his stuff isn't sorted out. We can't be that big a part of his life whilst we are all living seperately as his shifts mean we can't see him on work days and I don't want the kids living between two houses on the other days. He needs to be at his house for work (he is on call) and I want the kids to have a family home with me - not always switching between the two as DD has had to do for almost 3 yrs.

OP posts:

GinPalace · 09/05/2012 21:36

The pregnancy has obviously made you focus on your situation - it should also have put a rocket up his b'side for the same reasons.

With such a big life event happening I would expect to see some major action on his part to move things along. If that isn't happening I would be getting rather nervous indeed.

Think it sounds like you are going to have 3 kids not two. You do sound very capable and grounded, but unfortunately your man sounds like he needs leading by the nose. Very hard work to do that for someone because it is always easier to drag someone down than haul someone up. :(

PigletUnrepentant · 09/05/2012 21:37

Jenrose, you are a mum, would you give up on seeing your DD if DD's father was a nightmare?

Would you be dragging your feet in getting your debts and divorce sorted if on that depended living with your new baby during the first months of their life?

Obviously, there is no problem if the arrangement of living separated works for you both but yes, you are right to be worried if you are aiming for a life together and long term responsibility.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 09/05/2012 21:39

Also, because we don't live together I feel under pressure to spend any spare time with him which is getting on my nerves to be honest. For example, DD goes to nursery school until lunch time. If he is off on weekdays, he expects that I'll go and spend the morning with him. He might be doing jobs/tidying his house etc but I have nothing to do there as none of our things are there and have other things I could be doing (will especially be the case when baby is born.) He constantly asks me to stay over at his but DD has no things there (and I refuse to have her living between two houses) and I'm fed up of packing a bag and staying over.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 09/05/2012 21:41

Quite apart from the fact that this much procrastination about anything would drive me roound the twist, I would be worried and concerned that he wasn't moving heaven and earth to make you into a proper family unit (and this comes from someone who doesn't live with their DP but circs are very different and we see each other 6 nights out of seven)

But the not seeing his own kids would worry me more (as it does you I know) I would struggle to respect a man who didn't do everything in their power to see their own children. I would wonder if he was the kind of man I would want to be with. I don't think I would want to be with someone with those values

Sorry :(

millpond · 09/05/2012 21:43

sorry but yes it would bother me.

It would be a definite deal breaker for me.

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