Would it worry you if your partner didn't see his other kids?

[jenrose29]

When I met my partner almost 3 years ago, he had two kids aged 1 and 2 and my daughter was 2 years old. He had been seperated for a few months, as had I. He had his children over 50% of the time and my daughter and his kids got on great and we were all very happy. After a year of this, his ex wife stopped contact altogether (she met someone else who she was trying to introduce as daddy.) We could see that this was going to happen a mile off and I regularly urged him to get a contact order while he was having so much contact so that it would continue. He left it...and left it...and had no contact whatsoever for 6 months, when his ex needed a baby sitter. Once it resumed, contact was once per 3/4/5/6 weeks as and when she deemed to allow it. Again, I suggested he seek a contact order so that he could have reliable contact (she would often cancel with no notice/he would arrive to collect the children and they wouldn't be home/she moved house without telling him etc etc) but he didn't. Since Christmas he has seen them twice and the last time was over two months ago. He has said that he will seek a contact order. However, he already has a defeatist attitude that she will not turn up at court etc. She may well not, but I know that if I hadn't seen my kids for over two months I'd be willing to try anything - much less would I have left it so long to sort out altogether.

We are due to have our first baby together in a few weeks and his lack of action with regard to his previous children - when he has my full support and encouragement in seeing them - leaves me worried. As it is we are having to continue to live seperately as his lack of action sorting out his divorce, debts and children mean he cannot afford to support DD, baby and I (he promised to sort divorce and hadn't so many debts when I fell pregnant) and the longer he leaves things, the longer the living apart situation is going to continue. He keeps feeling sorry for himself and asking me if he is a bad dad for not seeing his kids, and as much as his wife is a b*tch and hasn't made things easy, I do think he hasn't made nearly enough effort to sort it and is continuing to not make enough effort so that he can live with and be involved with our baby. What do you think?

IMO career doesn't trump kids, sorry. Career is a choice, children are a responsibility, and a very important one as well.

Hmm. OK. Justify your part in it all. You are not bringing him into your life any more than he is you into his tbh. I cannot imagine how it's going to work when the baby is born if he's not welcome in your home in that way tbh. Will he be allowed to stay over when baby is born? Or will you be doing that all your way too?

he sounds like a flake. You sound quite bossy. Not a great combo?

mum can presumably get a babysitter for her kids if she has something she regularly does once a fortnight so i still don't follow why it is apparently being all about her needs rather than the children. if she tells judge she "wants to make plans to go out more often" and therefore wants him to be more consistent she will be laughed at too ! it is about the children's needs not either hers or his .

having said that if he has shifts set in advance and can really offer long regular contact times during the coming year then mediation sessions should be able to sort that out.

but still - while kids are young he might have to take a career break or change job in order to provide regular consistent contact with the children . it is not unheard of. i was in a career with regular overnights and long shift patterns including weekends - i loved it - wish i was still there - but changed to a regular 9 to 5 mon to friday job when i had my first child. he is making a choice here and blaming his ex makes no sense when you think about it.

or does he pay huge amounts of child maintenance as a result of this [high paying ??? ] career? so the ex is better off because of it ? not that that links with contact .

I agree PigletUnrepentant but fact is if he quit his job to have the children more, she'd probably move as far away as she possibly could to make it as difficult as possible for him.

So, CurrySpice, in your opinion I should continue to leave my door open, my heart open and my legs open to a man who - in almost 3 years - has done nothing to reciprocate any commitment I've shown to him. He can stay married, my daughter and our baby can live between two homes and he can not see/see his children and continue to disrupt ours and their lives so he doesn't have to do something crazy like make a decision and fill in a form?

Yes the ex is better off if he is in his current job. He spoke to her before about quitting so he could have the kids more and she said she'd stop contact if he wasn't paying as much as he is now for them.

No, that's not what I'm suggesting at all. I actually didn't make any suggestions. I merely asked questions. I agree that the situation is completely untenable. I asked why you decided to have a baby with a man that you're not happy to commit to, that isn't committed to you, and who, as the thread has gone on, it seems that you don't have much respect for.

You are in this "relationship" as well as him. You have choices too.

You cannot change him / force him to do or be or act as you want him to. He has to do that. You will end up resentful and frustrated if you decide to continue trying to do that.

I hope you find a way forward

I do want to and have committed to him. I've let my daughter get close to him, I've moved to be near him, I've adjusted my life to be with him. I have not been forcing/trying to change him at all. I have left him to make his own choices, unfortunately he doesn't make any choices and continues to let his wife walk all over him which indeed has left me frustrated. He's seen his children perhaps twice since Christmas (last time over 2 months ago) and has done nothing about it. His wife does everything in her power to make his life as difficult as possible, yet almost 3 years on they are still married. When we decided to have a baby he was seeing the children regularly and he was about to get divorced. His wife then reduced contact and told him not to contact her at all. He listened and did nothing. I left it until I was 7 months pregnant to say something - i.e. DD, baby and I cannot move in with you and allow ourselves to be at risk of being let down/homeless as you haven't done anything you said you would do (get divorced and sort contact with his kids.) He apologised for his lack of action but still has done nothing and our baby is due in 2 weeks. I'm not prepared to harass him into doing the things that would make his/our life better - it has to be up to him, in my opinion.

Well in my opinion you've waited too long. And taken action which has driven him further away. Now you need to make a decision. But I think you know that

I suspect that if you weren't pregnant you would've kicked him into touch by now

Good luck. It's a really tricky situation. I am sympathetic honest!

I know I have waited too long but in fact it is the opposite - it is the pregnancy that has heightened my frustration. Already he is missing out on two children and yet he is letting the situation continue so he will be missing out on this one too. If it were just our relationship in question, I wouldn't be fussed about still living apart as DD and I are quite happy living alone. However, when we decided to try for a baby it was on the basis of all living and being together which we can't do because of his lack of action. Whether we stay together or not I will pretty much be raising the baby alone.

Well she can't stop contact over whether or not he pays.

Thing is when he has another baby ie yours he can reduce the amount he pays to her I think ?
Might be wrong.

Anyway given his career etc you going to be in same position as ex with his contact with you and baby dictated by his career albeit a little easier as you live closer.

I think deciding that you are in it alone and arranging your life with friends and family support rather than his may be a good way forward ? At least you too will get child maintenance from him.... If he comes good then great.
If he doesn't well never mind....

Well has been paying full maintenance since they seperated, even when he was having them 50/50 and it hasn't stopped her stopping contact when she feels like it so think she would definitely stop it altogether if he stopped paying - though of course she wouldn't be upfront about that being the reason. He can only reduce the amount he pays to her once our baby is born if we live with him, which we don't and won't be. Unless I make a CSA claim of course. I am organised to do everything alone, I don't have any friends and family for support so will just get on with things and make sure the kids are happy and if he bucks up his ideas then great. If he doesn't, we'll be fine.

his ex sounds a pita

I agree with laterooms, sorry to go against the tide

yes he can get a court order but what is the likelihood that she will stick to it? I can understand the need to keep the peace and see his children when she is happy for him to do so as she sounds a nightmare to deal with and ime this doesn't change if someone has that kind of personality. I don't see it has any bearing on a future relationship with your child as you are a different mother and if you would be happy for him to maintain a relationship -which appears to be the former problem of resistance- than there isn't a problem is there apart from the fact his ex is making life as difficult as possible for him. What kind of mother willingly cuts a loving father out of the equation just because it suits her?

I agree that she may well not stick to it but doing as she says in order to try and get some contact is not practical long term. If she is intent on stopping it, she will. At least if he tries to go through the courts to arrange it then he has demonstrated that he wants contact. If he leaves things, it won't exactly be difficult for the children to believe their mum when she tells them that he didn't bother with them.

yes I do agree with that jenrose but I don't think he is being a waste of space for being emotionally overwhelmed by everything. I think most people who have had their partner cheat on them, had their children taken off them for their partners poor actions and have debts left to them through someone elses actions would feel overwhelmed. Divorce is traumatic anyway.

I did think like that for a long time, but to dwell on it and let it keep affecting his life 3 years on? In my opinion there comes a time when you need to get over it and sort your life out. Their marriage was unhappy anyway, he knew she had cheated numerous times before she left him for the last one, the children weren't taken off him - he had them over 50% of the time and if he sought to have this court regulated then he still would do or may even have residency, he signed to take out the loans and cards too - she didn't hold a gun to his head! We seperated from our spouses within a few weeks of one another (before we met one another) and my ex was abusive and controlling etc. He has been an ass to my daughter and I, we had to live in a hostel, have had to call the police about his behaviour etc etc. I didn't just sit there letting him do it. I filed for divorce as soon as I could and made sure that contact was sorted and regular. Lots of marriages break down, you can't feel sorry for yourself and blame the other person forever.

thing is he cant have them 50 % now month by month can he because of his shifts? it sems that his shifts changed and the contact changed and maybe his ex wasnt willin to compromise ? and maybe she felt travelling 50 miles for just one day was too much for them? i dont know.

but over a year yes it might work out 50/50 i guess

nonetheless as ssoon as 50/50 changed he needed to get in there with a court applcication - eg paying 200£ and filling it in himself . or at least get her to mediation. if she doesnt attend mediation straight to court. no faffing.

now the status quo is very much different and he has barely seen his kids. that is the real problem - letting it slide...

but still - for you is time to focus on you and your DC .

up to him what he does really about his other children. but if he moans to you just say you not listening any more !

Yes he could still have them 50/50 if she hadn't moved so far away. It was her that moved so to stop contact because of it really isn't fair. He still hasn't done anything about his children...

Two weeks to go until our baby is born and I feel completely alone - but not in a bad way. DD and I are very excited...DP keeps talking about how next time we'll try for a boy...!

So... he doesn't see his other children, and this one is not yet born but he is already asking about having a boy next?

Why not twins? or triplets? not that he is going to be very committed to them anyway, so why would he worry about the numbers? he can still go back home at the end of the day pretending they don't need him or would benefit from a father figure. Easy peasy...