Would it worry you if your partner didn't see his other kids?

[jenrose29]

When I met my partner almost 3 years ago, he had two kids aged 1 and 2 and my daughter was 2 years old. He had been seperated for a few months, as had I. He had his children over 50% of the time and my daughter and his kids got on great and we were all very happy. After a year of this, his ex wife stopped contact altogether (she met someone else who she was trying to introduce as daddy.) We could see that this was going to happen a mile off and I regularly urged him to get a contact order while he was having so much contact so that it would continue. He left it...and left it...and had no contact whatsoever for 6 months, when his ex needed a baby sitter. Once it resumed, contact was once per 3/4/5/6 weeks as and when she deemed to allow it. Again, I suggested he seek a contact order so that he could have reliable contact (she would often cancel with no notice/he would arrive to collect the children and they wouldn't be home/she moved house without telling him etc etc) but he didn't. Since Christmas he has seen them twice and the last time was over two months ago. He has said that he will seek a contact order. However, he already has a defeatist attitude that she will not turn up at court etc. She may well not, but I know that if I hadn't seen my kids for over two months I'd be willing to try anything - much less would I have left it so long to sort out altogether.

We are due to have our first baby together in a few weeks and his lack of action with regard to his previous children - when he has my full support and encouragement in seeing them - leaves me worried. As it is we are having to continue to live seperately as his lack of action sorting out his divorce, debts and children mean he cannot afford to support DD, baby and I (he promised to sort divorce and hadn't so many debts when I fell pregnant) and the longer he leaves things, the longer the living apart situation is going to continue. He keeps feeling sorry for himself and asking me if he is a bad dad for not seeing his kids, and as much as his wife is a b*tch and hasn't made things easy, I do think he hasn't made nearly enough effort to sort it and is continuing to not make enough effort so that he can live with and be involved with our baby. What do you think?

Yes. It would worry me. A man who would not fight tooth and nail for his children is not someone I could build a life with.

If someone is going to try their best to stop you seeing your children, you can't stop them (from trying it) but you can fight them. You can take every action possible.

If you shrug your shoulders and act like they're not worth fighting for, then that suggests you aren't actually that bothered.

You can't give up on something so important because it's not falling in your lap.

I spent a long time being frustrated but it is turning to anger. I was having braxton hicks last night and told him and he said he 'better hurry up and decorate the nursery then if baby is imminent' and I felt going round there and screaming at him that there is no fricking point having a nursery as we don't live there and won't be any time soon. Already it winds me up knowing that he will expect me to drag DD and baby there so he can see them there and feel sorry for himself/his family will feel sorry for him if I don't but the kids need to be settled and sorted, not waiting around their whole life for him.

DD asks about his kids everyday and he tells her their mum isn't being very nice and is not letting him see them. However, she is brighter than that and says she 'doesn't like seeing her dad but mummy makes her because mummies can't just stop the daddies that helped make the kids from seeing them.' His parents and family all ask if he's seeing them and he plays the 'she's not letting me' line and they just change the subject. It just doesn't cut it for me any more.

I am very strong and independent, I am not phased at all at the thought of being a single parent to both children which I will effectively be. I don't need him for anything. I do want him, but there is a big difference there. It is just makes me angry that I've let DD get close to him and his family, which is a big deal as she doesn't particularly like her father and I don't have any family whatsoever, and yet he continues to let her down as well as me. I don't want her forever going to school etc explaining that her, the baby and I live alone and that we see him sometimes etc. DD are going out for the afternoon without him despite it being his day off which he is put out about. If he hasn't used today to sort the contact order then he is going to get told tonight that he has x amount of time to resolve things and that that is as long as I'm prepared to wait. Even then though, it makes me cross that if he doesn't sort things and we end up seperating that he will just gain even more pity from everyone when IT'S ALL HIS OWN DOING! Argh.

HecateTrivia That's the thing, previously she has stopped him seeing them completely for no reason at all. This time, she has said (via solicitors letter so she is always going to have proof to show kids) that she wants him to be a bigger and stable part of their life and not dip in and out and that she wants the court to be involved so that be achieved. She has also said that he chose not to see them for 6 months (when she previously stopped him) and he hasn't disagreed with this, so again - it is on record and backs up her version of events for the kids. He thinks that because he doesn't badmouth his wife that the kids will respect that and one day pick him to live with but it isn't going to work like that. They have probably seen their doctor more in the last year than they have him.

None of that matters. I don't mean that in a callous way! It's just that it's not about what she does or does not do. It's about what HE does.

In an ideal world, we'd all be reasonable people who would see that the only thing that matters is that the children have both parents in their life, both parents raise them, support them and love them and nobody would be fighting over anything or using their children to hurt each other.

But, let's be honest, that's never going to happen! He's got to grow a backbone and fight for what matters in life.

It's good he doesn't badmouth their mum, it really is. It's a vile thing to do and it's horrible she's doing it to him. But he shouldn't just sit back and wait for things to be made easy for him, or let someone else control how things work. Oh, I can see the kids, ok. Oh, I can't, ok. Oh, I can, ok. He's got to take control and not be so passive. (I was going to say weak, but I think that's a bit cruel)

I agree with GinPalace - best indication of future performance is past performance.

IMHO you would be better off on your own, looking after your 2 dc than wasting your energy wondering if he's going to 'step up to the plate'. Your instinct is telling you he never will.

From where I'm sitting, he has made no effort with his dc - says it all really.

Horrible position to be in - limbo.

Wish you the best whatever you decide.

Agree with the majority of posters, this would be a total deal breaker for me.

He badmouths her to your daughter, and apparently anyone else who will listen.

Seems like YOUR problem isn't his lack of commitment to his first two children, it's his lack of commitment to you. He doesn't want you to move in with him. He doesn't want to have a house full of children that need nappy changes and playing with and night feeds and emergency trips to the doctor and three meals plus two snacks a day. He likes the way he's living. You do all the work and he sees you and your two when he has a spare time.

No wonder you're angry.

Even if you 'win', and you all move in together to a three bedroom house that is entirely dependent on his job (and thus never yours), you're going to have one hell of a difficult step-mum job awaiting you.

He says he never badmouths the mother, but he tells your DD that he can't see the his children because their mummy won't let him. Umm, that IS badmouthing her. Blaming her. To a child who may one day parrot all this back to his children.

On the plus side, you know that if you ever want to move, he isn't going to fight for contact with the new baby. Depressing as hell, but logistically easier.

Perfect - his ex has it written down that she wants him to have a more committed involvement in their childrens livestherefore he can get it. I'm sorry, I think he quite likes having you at his beck & call but without the commitment!! Plus he gets a big house for a supposed family that isn't actually living with him!!!!

"He is even decorating a room at his house for DD and the baby "
so he has no plans really to move to yours does he ?

he must be quite happy with the arrangement it must suit him in some way

thing is - you only known him three years (or did you know him long befoe you got together?)
he has defeatist attiutde
you also have problems with your ex (as per your other posts) - really your dd would have three homes she regularly goes to wouldnt she ??

you dont need to get invovled in his battles for contact or not with his other children.
it i his problem to sort.
you gong to need to focus on your DD
and your new baby
and see what support he can give you with new baby.

forget his other children for now you need to prioritise

i would not visit him at all at his place - why should you be traipsing round with suitcase when you pregnant???

let him come to you espec when you have new baby to look after.

and stick to our well thought out plan of not movin him in til he sorted out his divorce etc

"he tells her their mum isn't being very nice and is not letting him see them"

err that is badmouthing really - and who knows what the truth is.
if she has said get your act together first then who knows... "She has also said that he chose not to see them for 6 months (when she previously stopped him) and he hasn't disagreed with this" so he isnt fighting very hard is he?

anyway - he seems to take lacksadaisaical attitude and wants you to run ater him.

focus on you .
keep open door for him to visit baby but don go running packing up baby to visit him it makes no sense

Something that struck me quite a bit is this comment " In my opinion, to sort it while the kids are still young is SO important. It is no good leaving it and expecting them to feel sorry for him when they are older and leave their mum and come and live with us - that's completely unrealistic."

You are right, he is completely unrealistic, but a lazy git as well, he can't be arsed to get into the problem of sorting contact himself so he is waiting for his kids to sort it up for him??? Honestly...

To be honest, if your ex is as unreliable with contact as the ex wife is saying in her letter, she really have a point and is acting in the kids best interests. Nothing more depressing for a child than an unreliable parent that keeps letting them down.

I have to say that I don't really think he became so passive because the wife was downtrodding him, I believe she started downtrodding him out of sheer desperation at such level of passiveness... and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if you end up doing the same.

I would like to add my ex badmouths me to people and says I stop him when in fact it is him that can't bothered to turn up when he has something better to do. Ex hasn't seen DS for 6 weeks and that is nothing to do with me and I have even text him to ask him to come see DS but he had better things to do with his new woman. I would also be very wary that you are in fact being told the truth about contact.

Agreed Happylander. It seems very odd that the mother would block all contact and then send a solicitor's letter insisting on him demonstrating more consistency. Unless you have pretty firm evidence to back up his version of events my suspicion would be that he had increasingly ducked out of his contact responsibilities and she had responded by stopping contact in the hope that he'd become more consistent again. Maybe not the right thing to do, but certainly understandable.

What a sad thread. OP you are and will continue to be a single parent. I think you need to emotionally disengage from this man as a partner and a father. All I see are a string of excuses.

As others have said, he can easily divorce her and the law is based on the children's rights in terms of contact so he can get a contact order when he wants. But he just ain't doing anything is he? Actions speak louder than words.

quiplite He definitely does want us to move in - it is me who is refusing to move in until he sorts his stuff out. It is just annoying me that he is decorating a room for the kids which DD can see and constantly showing her what he's done which in my opinion is trying to cause her to pressure me into moving in sooner rather than later. Fortunately DD is very happy where we are and isn't fussed about moving at all. Agreed about the difficult step-mum job, but their mum is open to them that she is stopping him seeing them so him telling my daughter that isn't anymore than the kids have heard anyway.

cestlavielife It has never been the plan for him to move in with us. He needs to live close to work as he is on call and his house is provided by work so we would be the ones moving there. I agree that his contact arrangements are his to sort but they also affect my daughter and our baby - in the past DD has regularly had to miss out on something we've had planned in order to fulfill contact demands his ex has made and she was very close to the kids only to have now only seen them once in 6/7 months. It isn't fair on the kids to be allowed to get close then kept apart etc. It isn't fair if his ex tells the kids that he doesn't see them much because he's too busy with DD and that they are then mean to DD and he won't reprimand them for fear of contact stopping again. It needs to be sorted for everyones sakes. Telling him to come to me if he wants to see us is not an option. Call me pigheaded but I was getting fed up of him turning up as and when he felt like it and disrupting DD's routine/expecting tea/to stay over so I changed my bed to a single bed...! (Also because I need more room in my room for when baby is born.) Plus he needs to be close to work to be on call.

PigletUnrepentant He has never let them down for contact - it's just that he can only commit to a full weekend (she won't allow odd weekend days) every 6 weeks or so because of his shift. She has moved about 50 miles away so to travel to see them for tea isn't necessarily practical either. She did have her parents looking after the kids a great deal when she previously stopped contact but now they are not willing to do so and she wants him to have them alternate weekends and half of school holidays which he can't fulfill.

"Call me pigheaded but I was getting fed up of him turning up as and when he felt like it and disrupting DD's routine/expecting tea/to stay over so I changed my bed to a single bed...!"

Haha thanks :) Not the most subtle of methods perhaps but he hasn't stayed over since...

I guess it depends on his in but unless he literally has to be at work the whole weekend then no reason why he cannot have them but arrange child care ? Have a live in au pair ? so he sees them before and after shift ? Dunno if that feasible. You mention single weekend days so he should take the kids the whole weekend and arrange childcare the other day .

If you are together with him then why not you as step mother ?

But other people have to organise child care around their shifts . you see his ex wants him t have the kids every other weekend and half the holidays so he should be jumping at this and looking into child care for when they with him ? It is all a bit confusing. Maybe an excel spreadsheet would help or something.

His kids are mean to yours and he won't reprimand them ? What is that about ?

Is his house lovely ?
Would it be nice to live there with him ?

or perhaps you could just move closer but live separately?

His shifts are going to mess up his time with your and his baby right ? How is that going to work ?

Depends on His shifts I mean . But
It makes no sense one minute his ex is stopping contac t next she is offering him alternate weekend s and half holidays and he is making excuses why he won't have them because of his work ? I don't get it. He should say yes then arrange child care. I don't get how someone can say they will only be. A parent when they not working ? I work every day I have no choice ok it isn't shifts but I still have to organise child care especially in holidays from school.

He has to work out how to pay for child care so he can have them even if he on call . Eg live in au pair person maybe a student.

Also he had them before fifty fifty you said how did he manage then. ?

cestlavielife His shift is from 7.30-6.30 and he is on call overnight too so he wouldn't see them before/after shift and cannot afford to pay for someone to care for them on the days he is at work. Plus their mum would never drive them to him, and with him being on call he wouldn't be able to collect/return them. His shift was different when he had them 50/50, he wasn't on call at all. He is quite willing to have them every single weekend he isn't working, plus any extra days he can. It isn't that he is trying to avoid contact - he would like as much as possible - it's that his wife is demanding every other weekend as a) if he did manage to fulfill it it would mean she has a regular babysitter and b) when he doesn't manage to fulfill it (as she knows full well he can't) then she feels she is right to call him a crap dad.

He has told his solicitor he is going to apply through the courts for contact off his own back...still no sign of him completing the form though. Two weeks until our baby is born...!

Ok I'm going to put my cards on the table here and be blunt.

Neither of you seem very committed to each other, considering you're having a baby together.

You've put a stop to him popping over whenever he likes, so presumably he needs to make an appointment to come and see his pregnant partner and step daughter. That must make him feel like a real member of the family eh?

And he won't sort his life out do you can all be together

Tell me why you're making the ultimate commitment to have a baby with a man who isn't welcome to turn up at your house for tea without asking because it disrupts your routine. And who doesn't want to send a simple form off in order to start your life together.

Told you it was blunt.

every other weekend the whole weekend is good for the children though. regular consistent not just pop in and take them out but hands on for full weekend. surely that is much better and more equal?

regardless of whether shes sees it as baby sitting or not . seeing it as babysitting for her is the wrong way of looking at it. a judge is going to laugh at him if he says he doesn't want every other weekend because it would be babysitting. or because it might let the mum off the hook to do her own thing... you cannot babysit your own kids.

perhaps longer term he needs to change job as it is incompatible with being a lone parent . or go back to what eh was doing before when it was not these shifts, even if it means less money. what is more important? his time with the kids or ?

anyway leave him to think about it really your focus now is you and your own baby and your dd. will you have other help when he is out 7 30 to 6.30 and on call all night ? eg if you have to have a caesarean? who will be there for you? i hope you have friends or family there for you - good luck

Well, obviously there's no possible way he can offer those children any stability out of a regular contact patterns. But what I'm dead sure is that he cannot expect the children to see him on a when-it-suits-me-and-my-job basis either and for it to work with the ex. Has he tried to arrange more suitable working hours? it can be done, but he needs to fight for that, and I'm not quite sure he would bother... too much work for him considering his passive nature.

May I suggest something? and I'm telling you this as the ex partner of someone who could never grow a pair. When your baby is here, and you need all that much extra support from family, friends, whatever. Don't think of him and his needs and his problems, think on what you need to raise these children and go back to live near wherever those support networks are. Don't stay away to avoid the "I told you so" scenario, be where the help is. This guy won't be there for you if you experience difficulties, apart of providing some fun and entertainment, he can't be relied on.

CurrySpice For almost 3 years now, my DD and I have done all the running around in order to spend time with him and have put that above and beyond our own plans. He has made no effort/commitment to us and so I considered that not making us so accessible is perhaps the only way to spur him into action. She isn't his step daughter - he is still married and we are nowhere near married. He takes no responsibility in her upbringing.

cestlavielife It isn't a job, it is a career and so not something that can really be changed. He is in the same role but the shift changed and so no, he cannot change it back. No, I don't have anyone else to help if I have a C-Section so fingers crossed that doesn't happen!

PigletUnrepentant It's not like he casually demands the children when he's off though, he can tell his wife a year in advance which weekends and extra days he can have the kids. He gets two blocks of 20 days annual leave per year, usually one during school holidays, when he can have them but she won't even consider this arrangement. Also, it is worth bearing in mind that the children were not remotely fussed by the length of time between contact when he was seeing them regularly every 4-6 weeks. It is just inconvenient for their mum as she wants to make plans to go out more often. As mentioned above, he can't change his working hours and continue in his career. I don't have anywhere to move back to...I have no family and no friends anywhere.