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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Any men answer this? Do you think of future financial burden of dating a lone parent?

26 replies

waitingfornaru · 30/10/2011 13:26

I'm hoping for a male point of view on this too.

When you start dating a woman who is a stay at home mum and learn she has very young children (eg age 4 and under), right from the off, surely it must cross your mind, if this relationship develops and you move in together, as the working man, you are going to take on the lion's share of financial responsibility, because she will lose many benefits if she moves in an employed partner.

Yes, she may return to work again once the youngest starts school, but until then, it's a big financial burden on the man, surely, enough to put him off moving in thus developing the relationship?

After time of course when in love this will not be an issue, but I am wondering right at the start when you're a few dates in, does it cross your mind it could all be a bit costly? :(

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 30/10/2011 18:44

i'm not a man but i would imagine it would put men off as they, rightly or wrongly, would be wary about being used as a meal ticket.

Just date - you don't have to live with anyone!

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 30/10/2011 18:47

I think it's an extremely cynical thing to think tbh. I can see why people wouldn't want to date single parents, and that's their choice, but to not date someone or break up with them because you're worried about the financial implications? If they think like that then both parties are better off alone really.

IndieSkies · 30/10/2011 18:51

Perhaps on a two adult family she could think of returning to work much sooner, since there will be two adults sharing the housing costs and bills.

whiteandnerdy · 30/10/2011 19:37

Mehh, speaking in my male capacity, I think the logistical problems of not being able to 'just go out' and 'just have a sleep over', 'just have OUR time' ... read not having shags on tap will be a bigger issue. Add to this having to also think about forming some relationship with a child who isn't your own, not having had the formative years to create the bonds of a parent yet having to take on that role ... all these issues and more you can lookup in the step-parenting forum of this site. But I think you'll find it's mostly about the shaggin' on tap ( ok that's kind of a joke and kind of not a joke).

ladydeedy · 31/10/2011 11:30

also what about single women who get together with men who have kids? Especially if you (the woman) is financially much better off? I am sure it is a deterrent.

happyatlast · 31/10/2011 12:34

My ex dumped me 8 weeks in, even though he knew about my 3 kids, he had lunch with his family to talk about me and hours later I was dumped so yes in my case, this one most certainly did decide I was not worth it.

It is however the first time its happened to me. I just happened to meet a weak man unfortunately.

SansaLannister · 31/10/2011 12:38

I would think the children themselves would put some who don't have children off!

I'm female, but when I was single and childfree, I wouldn't date men who had non-adult children. Money had nothing to do with it, I just didn't want to go out with someone who had ties like that, have to plan around when he had the kids, etc.

I agree with whiteandnerdy.

paintedlove · 31/10/2011 15:21

I've had quite a few dates/relationships with men as a single parent (in the past few years have settled down with DP). I was on benefits for most of that time but I don't think any of them realised the impact of a cohabiting relationship that I would lose my benefits if we moved in. I don't think most single working people I know have much knowledge of the benefits system in that way. I have never cohabited though as a single parent as I didn't meet the right person before DP.

I always got a sense that some of the men I'd dated were wary of committing to a single parent, but I think it was probably more because of the things whiteandnerdy mentions. I was young when I had DD and most of the men I dated were only a bit older than me so the gulf between their free, relaxed lifestyle and my own which had to be well-planned was enough to put some of them off.

I know it's not something that ever crossed DP's mind - he confessed that he had no idea that my benefits situation would change (we didn't discuss it until after we got engaged). But he can afford to support us, is in no hurry for me to return to work and is just happy to be able to be in a relationship with someone he loves .

Bugsy2 · 31/10/2011 15:26

I'm not a man, but I think of the financial burden of men I'm dating!!!!! I'm a single mum to two DC & I have worked really hard to be financially independent. I have a nice home & sometimes when I date men who seem not to have a penny to their name - I find it really off-putting, because I do see them as a potential leach on my resources.
I'm sure it must work that way for men too - unless they are loaded! [hgrin]

WibblyBibble · 01/11/2011 13:07

I think this is a really fucked up way of thinking! I personally am not a 'financial burden' to anyone. At the moment I don't have a high income as I am mainly caring for children, but actually that is a valid and useful thing to do, just as much as earning money. Also I don't spend a lot of money on crap like most people (esp people without children who are in my experience more shallow and consumerist) seem to. I don't need anyone to subsidise me! I would consider being involved with my children to be something people ought to value as they are nice and interesting, and if someone thought of this as a disadvantage in any way I would think they were a dickhead. TBH I think people who 'date' while having an eye on their money are shallow and unpleasant, unless it's that they're just trying to avoid people who accrue lots of debt which is kind of understandable (and if you look on the relationship board, you'll see that there are a lot of men like that just as much as women).

MrHeadlessMan · 01/11/2011 13:18

waiting

I can't speak for all men, but if someone seems to be the one I couldn't give a fruitshoot what it means financially.

sincitylover · 02/11/2011 14:07

I think if you have just ended a relationship and have very young children the last thing you should be doing is quickly looking to a new live-in relationship tbh or looking for someone to take on the lion's share of the finances.

What's wrong with being on your own for a bit. Or getting a job (appreciate that childcare costs are high) and taking on the lion's share of the finances.

Also your ex should be contributing a % of his income to you for the upkeep of his children.

I work, am single parent and have even felt a bit like this when dating - ie a single man no dependents i dated has far more disposable income than I do - therefore I couldn't keep pace with his activities and nor was I available as much as he would like due to childcare committments. After six months he showed no interest in meeting my dcs so that one bit the dust. Even as a working single parent a bit of a mismatch between us!

Not much time for long walks on the beach, cosy nights watching dvds and loads of sex when you only get every other saturday night free of dcs!!

I personally would hate to feel beholden to a new partner in this way - ie him taking on lion's share of finances and don't believe he should be supporting your dcs from a previous relationship.

Original poster

waitingfornaru · 02/11/2011 14:20

sincitylover, it's been 2.5 years, so I'm not 'quickly looking'! There has been no-one since the break. I plan on returning to work once the youngest starts school (he's not even at nursery yet) and am meanwhile looking to study so I have something to fill in the CV gap.

I can't go back to work now not just because of childcare costs, but because I couldn't even afford the rent on a bedsit in this village if I did, even with benefits help. My children also need - in my opinion - some stability at home due to past events leading to our current circumstances.

I suppose the clear answer to this is, that any man worth his salt would probably not even have occurred to think of this question at the start of dating and that by the time he is fully involved and both happy to move in together a few years down the line, one or both's financial circumstances could have changed anyway.

I would have liked to have had more single male's responses (having already posted this on a respectable (what I thought!) men's forum and been essentially flamed down as a gold-digging pramface (despite my advancing years!) It makes me wonder if this subject is a little taboo, as I never see the question come up elsewhere, hence my asking

OP posts:

ColdTruth · 02/11/2011 14:20

It would cross some men's minds but I think that men generally hesitate with lone parents because they would not have much time with each other. I also think that the presence of a child puts men off not because of financial reasons but because the responsibility is daunting especially since it's not your own child.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 02/11/2011 14:24

I think it is a bit taboo yes. I met my dp online, where I quite clearly stated I had 2 dc. They didn't come up on our forst two dates, by the third I ventured a hesitant 'you know I have children don't you?' and he said yes. I was glad that they weren't a factor while we were getting to know each other. I don't expect him to take responsibility for them, and nor do I place a financial burden on him. When we went out it was to places we could both afford to pay half for, though he paid when he insisted. Anyone who is a financial leach will find it very difficult to get a date eventually, single parent or not. It's all about what you expect i suppose. I've known a few friends get with someone and move that man in with their dc straight away . I don't see why anyone would think that's a great idea. But for dating someone, getting to know them over a decent amount of time, a single parent is no different from any other potential partner.

STIDW · 02/11/2011 14:34

I'm a woman and I would think very carefully before committing to a relationship again because I want my children to inherit my wordly goods and not someone else and then their children. If the opportunity arose I think I would chose to be with someone and live apart or give the children an early inheritance.

paintedlove · 02/11/2011 17:24

I agree that it's a good idea to have a healthy break once a relationship has ended and I'm also a bit about women who move in with someone new very quickly. DD is 11 now and DP will be the first person she has known as my partner. I did have relationships before I met him but I didn't introduce her to previous boyfriends as I never felt committed enough and I didn't want her to experience a trail of men in and out of her life.

DP will be supporting me and DD and we're lucky because it won't make much of a dent in his finances. I don't feel beholden to him as we're a partnership and he just has the attitude that we come as a package and feels a responsibility towards us (XP has no contact and is untraceable as far as CSA is concerned). I know that not everyone agrees with that but it does work for us and we are happy working things out this way.

tigerlillyd02 · 02/11/2011 22:18

I personally wouldn't have thought finances had a lot to do with it, but more the less amount of time those 2 people would have together. Also, perhaps from a mans point of view - having the childs father in the picture might be a bit scary or can be looked upon as causing problems and perhaps some jealousy etc involved.

I'm sure there's a whole load of things which can cross a mans mind when meeting a single mother. However, if they are the right one, none of it would or should matter. From the single parents point of view - if any of it did matter then they're not good enough for you and, importantly, your child anyway.

bananaistheanswer · 02/11/2011 23:41

I actually think about this from the other side - I don't want to get that involved with anyone because I was so screwed over financially by my ex, it's taken me over 3 years to break even. In doing that I've lost all my savings, and have had to write off huge sums of money ex owed me - I'm not able to give my DD the life and home I could have done had my ex not screwed me over. That irks me. A lot. I won't ever put myself in that position because I can't afford to start over again and DD will suffer if that happens again. So, not really that interested in what any man thinks of his possible financial responsibility if he wanted to move in to move a relationship on. It ain't happening!

trulyscrumptious43 · 08/11/2011 22:41

Waiting I think it is a very valid thought and I want to thank you for posting this thread. Love the turn of phrase 'gold digging pram face', it's a while since I heard that one, you made me laugh!

youllbewaiting · 09/11/2011 12:07

As a single-father, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had children who wasn't financially independent or who would be reliant on me.

I've my own children I'm financially responsible for and I wouldn't want to compromise that.

DreamsOfSteam · 09/11/2011 12:10

no idea if a man would think about this or not, but even if it turns out that many would, what exactly can you do about it? sell your kids?

Bandwithering · 09/11/2011 14:10

I'm a woman, but when I left my x I was aware that as a woman without a pot to piss in and two small children, even if I did 'date' I wouldn't be capable of attracting a very high calibre of man!! that might sound silly but that's how i felt. now that the childdren are both at school for longer days and I have savings behind me and I feel back on my feet, I wouldn't be afraid that anybody might consider me a liability, cos I'm NOT!!
so maybe .... wait a while til your children are older before you even think about these things. don't put yourself through the ordeal of seeing yourself through some judgmental stranger's eyes.
But i'm aware that the 'just wait and concentrate on your small children for a year or so' advice probably sounds very martyrish...

Bandwithering · 09/11/2011 14:16

ps, don't forget op, you can have your own 'criteria' too!

like i wouldn't even be interested in dating a non-father. that might sound very non-fatherIST but i just couldn't be bothered trying to make a non-father understand that really he'd only ever be second to my children and that's just the way it has to be. a father would GET that, wouldn't take it personally. wouldn't think you were too 'obsessed' with your children or anything like that.

so, just make sure you have a few benchmarks of your own and then maybe even if it turns out that some men rule you out, you won't care so much cos you'll know you have your own 'bar'.

Snorbs · 09/11/2011 14:28

I think it is a bit of a taboo subject because if, as a man, you say "I'm a bit reticent about starting a relationship with a single mother" then you can very easily end up being labelled as a child-hating, criminally immature, self-centered arsehole. And maybe you are. Or maybe it's more complex than that.

Interestingly, I have seen a number of women on mumsnet saying that they wouldn't date men whose children live with them.

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