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Lone parents

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Original poster

dumped cos i have 3 kids..........

82 replies

happyatlast · 17/10/2011 14:08

oh yes you read right! I met someone two months ago, he was the one more into me, texting all the time, wanting to see me all the time. I had the conversation three weeks in that I had 3 children so if he wanted to date me casually or find someone who doesnt have kids so he can go out and have fun, as I pretty much always have one of my children with me. He was totally fine with this said he wanted to be with just me all the time.

Things were going well, he went to france for a week a couple of weeks ago, texting about 50 times a day, saying he cant stop thinking about me, never wants to go on holiday without me again, said he is falling in love with me etc....

Gets back from france last saturday, I had no kids so we went out for a meal, covered me with little kisses all over my face when he came to my door saying he has missed me so much etc....had a great night......

Next day he goes for lunch with his mum and sister.....hours later I am dumped.

Thats it....had no contact with him since apart from a text saying he has had a reality check and there is no way it could work me having 3 kids.......Shock

Shock is an understatement.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 17/10/2011 14:10

A cynical part of me wonders if his mother and sister had anything to do with his quick about face.

But then, do you really want to be with someone who can dump you so quickly simply because you have children? I wouldn't.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 17/10/2011 14:13

Hmm what a charmer Hmm.

If he is this flaky just be thankful you've found this out sooner rather than later.

Fair enough it is up to each person whether they want to date someone with kids or not, but it is not fair to come on strong then change your mind! Plus most people our age (i.e. 'grown ups') will most likely have a child or some sort of baggage, bit unrealistic to expect otherwise really!

Original poster
happyatlast · 17/10/2011 14:28

oh god yeh dont get me wrong, I think more fool you then if you can do that and lucky escape springs to mind and there is no going back even if he called me to say he'd changed his mind I would forever be thinking what if I have got my children too much and he gets bored with them being around etc which is so not going to happen.....like I text back to him....love me, love my children....simple.

Its just the quick turn around that has totally shocked me.

OP posts:
TakeAChanceOnMe · 17/10/2011 17:42

I feel very sad for you, it's so hard to meet someone who not only matches your needs for a partner (looks, personality) but is also able and willing to take on the commitment of a ready-made family.

I dated on and off for about seven years before I met my current DP, who was the first man I met who I felt could really be happy with and doesn't see my child as a burden but a bonus.

I think this man was caught up in the emotion and was attracted to you, but perhaps didn't understand the enormity of the commitment you take on when you become a stepfather - his family probably reminded him of the more practical issues.

It's harsh to be on the receiving end, but I can understand why men would be wary of that role - DP will have to take on the whole financial responsibility for our family and that's a lot to ask. Plus there are difficulties like dealing with ex-partners, contact and getting along with the children.

Many of my friends are still childfree in their 30s/40s though so I don't think it's unrealistic that men of that age just have to accept that all women of that age would have some baggage.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 17/10/2011 18:09

Oh I didn't mean they should just accept it, maybe I worded my post badly. I meant more that as an adult looking to date, this should be something you consider BEFORE dating people, "Would I date someone with kids?" If the answer is no that's fair enough and like you say TakeaChance, there are people without kids.

I have an online dating profile and I make it clear I have a child in that, if I meet someone in the real world I always mention my son in the first meeting.

Original poster
happyatlast · 17/10/2011 19:20

I always tell men within the first 5 minutes that I have 3 children........you have to. This guy knew right from the off.

OP posts:
Youngmum1994 · 17/10/2011 19:25

This guy knew from the beginning what he was getting into, its not like you were concealing things from him. If he didn't like the fact you couldn't give him attention all the time then he obviously wasn't right for you

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 17/10/2011 21:09

Happy you said in your last post that you tell men about your kids within 5 minutes but in your OP you said you told him 3 weeks in? Anyway, that's by the by - fact is, you told him about your children and the relationship continued. Until he met up with his family, that is. It's likely they may have brought up issues he didn't think about previously but if so, would you really want to be with someone who bows down to other people's opinions so easily?

I think you got off lightly. I know it must hurt but try to see it as a lucky escape that will enable you to find a man more worthy of you and your family.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 21:12

Well it's a bit confusing as to whether he knew from the start or not as in the OP it says she told him after 3 weeks that she had 3 kids.

It's only 8 weeks... NEXT.

AmberLeaf · 17/10/2011 21:12

IME men that are that full on right from the start are usually FOS [full of shit] anyway.

Too much too soon and all that.

If hes that flakey consider it a lucky escape.

Original poster
happyatlast · 18/10/2011 09:24

scaredkittywitchykitty......i did tell him from the off about my children, I meant 3 weeks in we had the conversation as to where it was going because of my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyatlast · 18/10/2011 09:28

I do consider it a lucky escape, have already said that...let me make it clear I told him from day one about my kids, 3 weeks in we had the conversation as to wher it was going, I am totally relieved it has come out now that he is the way he is, I think he is a total tosspot and I would never give it another go if he begged me, my children are everything to me and when he said he loves spending time with me but not so much my kids I hung up straight away and have not contacted him since......no need for any nasty comments, I think I made it quite clear what I meant 3 weeks in, I meant we had the where is it going talk.....my reason for posting is because I wanted opinions on the quick turn around not in any way because I want to continue with the relationship....sometimes it is really hard work getting other peoples opinions form this site, so many people are quick to jump on people who are clearly going through a bad time.

Feel free to post some more nasty comments.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 18/10/2011 11:34

I dont think anyone has made nasty comments.

I read it as people are saying to you its his issue not necessarily yours. the general consensus is that hes a bit of a nob!

You've got peoples opinions here, mine again is that men that are that full on so quickly are usually full of it and quite often just saying what they think you want to hear so they can get their leg over! that would explain the sudden turnaround.

Personally I wouldnt introduce my kids to a new man after days/weeks anyway, you then run the risk of disappointing them too and its a lot of pressure on a new relationship.

Try not to take it to heart, there are decent men out there, you just have to weed out the arseholes first!

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 18/10/2011 13:13

Erm, no-one has posted any nasty comments and not one person has jumped on you Hmm.

To be honest it wasn't completely clear in your OP that you told him about your kids immediately, because in your OP you said "I had the conversation three weeks in that I had 3 children...", which makes it sound like you told him about them three weeks in. We can't read between the lines and think 'Oh, she probably told him about them immediately but they only had a serious talk about the situation three weeks in', we can only comment on what we are told, and that's what I did.

My opinion of his quick turnaround was that his family may have brought up potential issues he hadn't previously considered, and I still stand by that. Either that or as AmberLeaf says, he's a knob.

WibblyBibble · 18/10/2011 14:21

He sounds like a complete dickhead, and yes, a lucky escape for you (even if it was down to his family, if he's that pathetic as to base his relationships on what his mum thinks at his age, then he's not worth anyone's time).

I actually do think Takeachanceonme is being unpleasant and sexist there. I know lots of women (and really, you only have to look in the relationships section for all the young women who are acting as 'stepmothers') who easily take on a relationship with men who have children, so I don't see why men should think it's some huge burden. I think men who try and avoid responsibility are absolutely ridiculous, actually. And I do think that once someone's over 30, they should get a grip about the likelihood of people they meet having children; it's true that there are a minority of 'childfree' people, though actually most of the women I know who are my age and don't have children are now panicking about it and trying to get pregnant, often with rubbish men simply because they are running out of time, or are complete mental fuckups (or both, in some cases!). Sure, maybe 5% of people are genuinely 'childfree' and don't want children ever, but frankly a lot of the men who want these 'baggage free' people aren't exactly catches themselves. Then you get ones like my ex who seek out childless women (he's had to go down to 20 year olds for that) because they are nutjobs who can't deal with the idea that they don't own the reproductive system of the woman they're with. As far as I'm concerned, most men who want childless women (unless they plan to never have children themselves, which is mainly untrue) are enacting a modern version of a madonna-whore complex where childless women are seen as 'theirs' whereas a woman who has children is seen as 'impure' in some way. I have no time at all for men who can't cope with sexual and reproductive maturity in their partner.

There is absolutely no excuse for the way he behaved, and I would be sending him a text back saying that you're glad he revealed how spineless and crappy he was before you got too attached, and not to come crawling back to you when he realises he's not going to get the childless filmstar millionnaire he's apparently looking for when he's just some random little knobend.

Original poster
happyatlast · 18/10/2011 18:20

Thank you Wibblybibble. Smile

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 20/10/2011 21:52

Men who are massively full-on at the beginning quite often turn out to be abusers, so you may well have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
happyatlast · 26/10/2011 13:49

and now out of the blue today....a text....just to say hes been thinking about me alot today and wanted to see how I was? I replied asking why hes text, and he said thats the reason, just to see how I am?

OP posts:
Original poster
happyatlast · 26/10/2011 14:00

hasnt given a shit how I've been for the last 2 and a half weeks?

I'm thinking its cos I have not chased him....so hes text to see if he can do my head in a bit more?

OP posts:
MrGin · 26/10/2011 15:03

He sounds a bit impulsive from what you've described. Verging on the hopeless romantic. Doesn't really sound like the sort who thinks things through with his head.

I do however think taking on a family of three kids is quite an undertaking, and ( as said ) his mum and sister put the willies up him with a 'reality check'.

He should of course have thought it all through when you first mentioned it rather than letting his mum and sister influence his behaviour.

Sounds like he panicked and now feels guilty ( as he should )

Ultimately I agree you're better off without him.

jinxediam · 26/10/2011 15:09

be prepared for a text in 6 months or so asking to meet up. If what he felt was genuine he will probably date more women and keep you in the back of his mind and then it will dawn on him.

Tis all i'm saying!

going · 26/10/2011 15:20

It sounds like his meeting with his family have made him consider hwere the relationship will go. He said he loves spending time with you but not so much with your kids, they simply could have told him he has to accept you all as a package - something which he may have been trying to ignore.

Original poster
happyatlast · 26/10/2011 17:33

I have texted him to say that I am only just now getting my head round the fact that hes gone and I dont wake up and think of what went wrong all day and I think it was unfair that he text me just to see how I am, so I told him not to text me again if thats all hes texting me for cos that is not helping me.

So far he hasnt text me back.

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 17:39

I wouldn't have done that. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing he's upset you. You went out for 8 weeks, you've been upsetting yourself over this for almost 3 weeks. Does that not seem a bit out of proportion to you?

He's a git. He wants to make sure you are still thinking about him. Next time, just delete his message... there will be a next time, because he's a prat.

MrGin · 26/10/2011 21:30

Happyatlast. < hug >

that sucks.