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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

334 replies

hammerhead · 21/07/2011 22:47

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

OP posts:

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Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:03

It's not £140 a week.

It's free housing, council tax , prescriptions. eye tests. school meals and some trips and uniform.

In fact, if it means many women won't work as work doesn't pay, it suggests it's rather too generous.

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:06

I had no choice but to stay at home. No child care in my village and no family support. Ex vanished long before ds was even born. I would have choosen to stay at home though. Just like if I had been married I would have choosen to be a SAHM.

And yes I attempted to do an Open University course while I was at home. But I had no childcare help on the few evenings I had to attend college and untimately gave up through sheer exhaustion and lack of support/childcare.

When ds started primary I got myself a part time job. Even though I was only maringally better off doing so (on paper and no better off in reality). But a childminder had appeared in our village so it was now an option. After only 3 months my child minder gave up and I had no other after school option for childcare. My boss was sympathetic and let me change my hours to shorter days. It meant I could still work but my travel costs rocketed and the money I was getting decreased, and because I no longer had child care that needed paying I got less WTC too. The travel costs were way more than the childminder costs... In addition to this I volunteered at school - helping with reading, swimming lessons, ran school fetes and an after school club one day a week.

Now he is at secondary I am working full time. Still doing school hours and doing overtime at home in the evenings. I have managed to negotiate significant time off in the holidays (unpaid) so I don't have to run myself ragged trying to sort out childcare and do work at home in that time too.

I have struggled financially and been looked down at for wearing the same clothes week in week out to work, not being able to afford to join in with social things (even the staff xmas do) and generally feeling like a second class citizen. One of the bosses said he assumed I was getting maintenance from my ex husband which was why I could afford to live on the wages I earnt. I told him I had never been married and he looked quite shocked....

So please take off your judgey pants. Not all of us are benefit scroungers expecting your husbands you to pay for us to stay at home so we can be ladies who lunch.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:06

Well what is it, opinionated?

Is it a choice or not? I know many working mothers who have no real choice about whether they work or not, If they don't , the tax payer doesn't pick up their mortgage tab. If they don't work as soon as their mat leave is over, they lose their home.

jbabyj · 23/07/2011 20:07

going out to work as a single parent does not make me better off financially than staying at home would which is abit irritating and clearly why some people choose not to bother with work. would never be a SAHM even if it payed me, working gives me a sense of pride, hopefully my ds an understanding of work ethic not to mention sanity.

TidyDancer · 23/07/2011 20:07

Exactly, Wallis. There are a wide range of benefits that can be claimed, it is certainly not a case of living on £140 a week, it's much more than that.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:08

I don't know who it was who suggested becoming a childminder but I think that is a brilliant idea.

Original poster

hammerhead · 23/07/2011 20:10

Another thing, no one on here has stated that they are planning a lifetime on benefits, or indeed that they are teaching their kids how to milk the system. There seems to be a common misunderstanding that people on benefits never want to work adn their children won't work either. Please don't make that assumption because it doesn't help matters and further adds to the stigma.

Wallissimpson, you sound very capable and I am relieved that you are keen to sort this mess out ASAP. What proposals do you make?

OP posts:

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:12

A woman on another forum was talking about her life as a single mother of three on benefits and she said she had so much disposable income ( two kids had ASD so extra benefits) that she and her kids ate out most nights. She actually said, " I have plenty of disposable income". She was living a life on benefits many working peopel could never enjoy and one she certainly never could have by working.

Won't be a surprise to learn, I'm sure , that baby #4 is now on it's way.

I know many single mothers are nothing like this and struggle but plenty are.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:15

I'd make work pay, every time, all the time.

I'd get rid of TC as they stand and tag them on to wages so every hour your employer gives you say £7, the TC add £2 . You work, you earn.

That's for starters

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:18

Childminders have significant start up costs. You have to go on a childminders course and you have to do a first aid course.

You have to get business insurance and liability insirance. Also it can affect your house insurance (I didn't have any anyhow as couldn't afford it so would of had to get some!).
Thene there's the crb checks, paperwork and your house has to be approved as safe and satisfactory. Mine would have failed and I could not afford to do the repairs necessary to ensure it met the sufficient standards.

You have to have toys appropriate for both genders and for all ages. You have to have equipment appropriate for all ages (in case you get asked to take on a baby or a 12+ year old). Oh and they work out how m any dc you can look after based on teh size of your house. Well that's fine if you like in a decent sized house. My house only has one downstairs room plus a kitchen and bathroom.

It sounds like a good idea, but it's not that simple or straight forward.

jellybeans · 23/07/2011 20:18

If 2 kids had ADHD though it must be very hard work on her own? Maybe eating out makes it easier to cope.

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:21

Wallissimpson - WTC used to be tagged on to your wages. My first job which I did for a year when ds started primary was at a playschool. They actually told me they knew how much I got and that my WTC was considered to be part of my wages and they expected me to do extra work in my own time which was covered by my WTC income!

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:21

They were all in school so I guess she just didn't have time to cook all day?

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:22

I'm not, for one minute, suggesting it's easy but nothing in life worth achieving is easy.

adamschic · 23/07/2011 20:24

Jelly . Also a couple of people I knew who were SAH single mums were also working on the side, cleaning, cash in hand so even better, they both had ADHD diagnosed kids. I don't know how much more they got for that, does anyone? Just out of interest.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:24

Another idea, my sister was left with two small children by her DH.
She printed leaflets and delivered them to hundreds of houses locally advertising her as a Jill of all trades - dog walking, ironing, cleaning, shopping etc.

She know employs two other single mums and drives a BMW!

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:27

Being a childminder is not an easy job and most of the time doesn't pay well. That is why so many childminders give up as soon as something better/easier comes along!

TidyDancer · 23/07/2011 20:28

Childminding does pay reasonably well actually.

jbabyj · 23/07/2011 20:30

good idea wallis, why im i no better off working (not on minimum wage) than i would be on minimum wage or sat at home all day? does not make sense and not fair

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:30

Who said it was easy?
Why does the alternative to being on benefits need to be easy? My job isn't easy. My DH's job isn't easy. We work damn hard.
Most jobs aren't easy but the self respect and self esteem you get from them is invaluable.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:31

Childminding can pay well, indeed. Especially if you have several children in your care.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:31

Not as easy as not working though, no

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:36

My job as a single parent isn't easy. I do a two person job all on my own without family support and without a break ever. Thank you for your input, but until you are there you will not understand the realities of it.

Your intentions may be well meaning but telling us to get off our arses and work hard, when we are already doing just that, is partinising to say the least. But then I guess you missed the post above where I explained that I have worked since I could even though it meant I was worse off financially and had to put up with feeling like a second class citizen at work. Yeah working for less than I am worth has really helped increased my self esteem!

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:40

Are your children in school though Gillybean? I think it's much harder until they are!

Chestnutx3 · 23/07/2011 20:46

If I was a single mum I would work even if I earnt less than I would get if I stayed at home with benefits. I would be thinking of my future earnings, having several years out as a SAHM will mean that it will be difficult to have a decent well paid job in the future.

Sorry you have only one child its not that hard even with no help and childcare costs will be reasonable. Lame excuses I'm afraid I don't want to pay for your lifestyle choice.

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