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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

334 replies

hammerhead · 21/07/2011 22:47

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 20:50

Being a single parent isn't a lifestyle choice though. Most single parents didn't choose to be single parents.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:53

No gillybean, shit happens but you have to get on with it. You can't say, oh I didn't choose to be a single mum so I'll choose not to work.

NicknameTaken · 23/07/2011 20:53

Gilly, sorry if I missed it, but I don't think anyone is criticizing you. The criticism is aimed at those choosing not to work, and you do work, except for a few times when it was genuinely not possible. Nobody should knock you for that. There's a difference between "can't work" and "won't work", and it's the latter who tend to annoy people.

Chestnutx3 · 23/07/2011 20:56

the lifestyle choice is not working and supporting the children you decided to have. shit happens to everybody my mother died when I was young did my dad just give up work and just live off benefits which he could have done, no he didn't and it would have been a terrible example to his children.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 20:58

Also, for some women if their husbands die or leave, they simply CAN'T choose not to work as they have mortgages that need paying and bills that need meeting.

ChristinedePizan · 23/07/2011 20:59

You know what? I didn't want to pay for some of your lifestyle choices either when I was a higher rate tax payer. Why didn't you get off your arses and get better jobs? How much do you all claim in WTC and TC? I've been supporting you for years. Is anyone going to have the guts to answer my benefits question?

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/07/2011 21:00

flip, i would love to just give up work and spend all day with my toddler. Unfortunately, I have a mortgage, council tax, car payment and everything else to pay for that goes into running a home. I also need to keep working along with all the other suckers out there as people like you are depending on me to support you........... total joke.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 21:01

I will, not a single penny in CTC or WTC ever. Higher rate taxpayers ( DH top rate ) so we pay far more in tax than we ever take out.

ChristinedePizan · 23/07/2011 21:02

Gosh it really is single mum bashing on here tonight. Amazing that so many people can find the lone parent topic when it's to have a go isn't it?

ChristinedePizan · 23/07/2011 21:04

Thank you Wallis :)

Okay then, I've been a HRT payer for 15 years and been unemployed for 7 months. I've tried to find a job but unemployment is high where I live and I'm trying to get a self-employed business off the grounds. Is it okay if I claim IS for the timebeing?

whiteandnerdy · 23/07/2011 21:05

I knew there was a reason I didn't venture on any of the other MN topics and stayed mainly on 'lone parents'. People's experiences of parenting are so different, the lack of understanding towards peoples varying situations is only compounded by their eagerness to be judgemental rather than helpful.

whiteandnerdy does a slow clap

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 21:07

But Christine, you are looking for work /setting up a business. You aren't deciding to live on benefits for a number of years.

NicknameTaken · 23/07/2011 21:09

Christine, if you're actively looking plus trying to launch a business, I don't think you deserve criticism. It's not about bashing lone parents (I am one) - the same criticism applies to a couple if they both decided not to work.

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/07/2011 21:10

I think there is a major difference between claiming benefits when you are actively looking for work, but it is quite another thing to claim them so that you can stay at home with your child as the OP is choosing. It is a very contentious issue because people who work feel like they are being taken advantage of. I am currently pregnant and have been working full time hours this week and I am shattered. I am doing this to support my children and it makes me really angry to read about women who are perfectly capable of working choosing to stay at home while I am doing my best to support my children myself. IF i can do it, why can't they?? do they think they are better than me? more deserving???? That the love their children more than I do because I go out to work leaving them with a childminder?

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 21:12

So if the lifestyle choice is not working and supporting the children you decided to have then surely this applies to all SAHM, whether they be single or married. Why should married mothers be allowed to stay at home when they could be out there working! Because they choose not too and reply on someone else (their husband) to pay for their lifestyle choice...

I personally think that a parent should be taking care of the young children rather than relying on other people to care for them. However I appreciated that some parents don't choose to care for their own children for various reasons, and/or prioritise their work/career, or feel they need to work in order to afford the lifestyle they want (big mortgage seems to be the main item listed here).

That is their choice and they are entitled to make that choice. It is not my choice, but I appreciate that others make different choces.
I don't think anyone who makes either choice, when a child is young and not at school yet, should be made to feel inferior, bad, or wrong for making that choice.

The vast majority of parents who leave the childcare of their dc to other people are fathers. Are they wrong to do that? Is a mother wrong if she chooses to do the same?
But if a mother chooses to stay at home why should the fact she is a single parent (something she probably didn't choose to be) influence the decision on whether she should be allowed to do that or not? I don't see many people insisting that married mothers should have to work...

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/07/2011 21:15

Theres a huge difference between married mothers where the household income allows them to not work and a mum on benefits at the cost of other tax payers. If a household of two can only allow a parent to stay home if they claim top up benefits, then yes they should work. Being a SAHM is a luxury, if you can afford it and want to its fine but if you can only do it at the expense of other working parents then its wrong.

Wallissimpson · 23/07/2011 21:18

Enormous difference between married SAHM supported by husband and single SAHM supported by taxpayer.

Honestly, it's ridiculous to draw parallels.

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/07/2011 21:19

I don't give a toss is married mothers choose not to work because I am not supporting them!! Their husbands are. Yes, it is a bit shit that some people are lone parents without their choosing, but at the end of the day bad things happen to lots of people and you just have to get on with them. What kind of message is this victim mentality sending to their children?? it is ok to just stay at home all day because daddy walked out? surely it is better to teach them to be self sufficient and to realise they can stand on their own two feet.

MollieO · 23/07/2011 21:21

It's not often I read threads on MN and actually learn something but this is one of those. I honestly did not know that if you have young children you don't have to work and can live on income support. I was made redundant this year but the only benefit I was entitled to was contribution based job seekers allowance at the princely sum of £65 per week. That wasn't enough to cover anywhere near my bills, mortgage etc. I was entitled to nothing else despite having worked full time for 24 years and part time (weekend and holiday jobs) for 9 years before then.

Makes me wonder what you have to do to get benefits that are enough to live on so you can choose not to work.

partyhat · 23/07/2011 21:22

SAHM a luxury if you can afford it - and if you ask that type of person then healthcare etc etc will soon be only if you can afford it. they might venture out of their gated communities to see the peasants once in a while - god they piss me off. grrrr. no bloody idea.

ChristinedePizan · 23/07/2011 21:23

See, weirdly, I don't feel at all annoyed by single mothers not working because they can't earn a hell of a lot more by not working. Never have. Even before I was a single parent. I just don't care that much.

Now very rich people indulging in tax avoidance I do care about. Or the banks that have bled this country dry and are still paying their top staff megabucks. But they're a little less of an easy target I guess.

whiteandnerdy · 23/07/2011 21:24

Yeah ... I think they finally got rid of poorhouses and workhouses in the 1930's MollieO.

gillybean2 · 23/07/2011 21:25

So it's ok for mums to stay at home then. Just as long as none of your tax money goes to those single mum's who do that.

So all the single mums can jolly well get out there and work, pay someone else to take care of their dc and your tax money will still go to that single mum to pay her WTC, (but it's not IS so that's ok) and now more tax money will be needed to pay for the child care costs too but that's ok because she's not sat at home on your money now...

Did I get that right?

TidyDancer · 23/07/2011 21:25

Gilly, because their family circumstances allow them to do so. Their family is supported financially in a way that means they are not reliant on money from sources outside of the household or family. It is quite plainly obvious that there is a massive difference between the two types of SAHPs. And is most certainly is not discriminatory to either point that out or differentiate between them.

TidyDancer · 23/07/2011 21:27

Yes Gilly, you broadly did. It's about contributing something financially to the maintenance of your own family.

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