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Original poster

who should do pick up/drop offs?

39 replies

heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 13:50

H left 4 months ago found he was having affair with 18 year old is still with her so have started divorce.We have dd1 and ds5 together.
At first it was not clear if he would come back so i let contact take place at home to keep things easy for dc,agreement was one day after work 6ish till 8,and sundays 9.30-3 as he then goes to work, mid weeks have only happened about 5 times because of work.
Have now decided as we have started divorce would be more appropriate for him to see them out of the house on sundays but we are disagreeing on who picks up drops off,neither of us drive we live about 5 miles apart and takes about 45 mins on bus.I also have dd11 and ds13 and am on income support so i feel as he gets a decent wage and is the absent parent it should be up to him,what does everyone else do?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 13:54

does he pay you maintenence?

do one each perhaps? or meet half way....those seem to be the norm

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 14:01

yes he pays maintenence,but i dont have a great deal of spare money due to buying my house and being on benefits .If i was to pick them up from him because of buses on sunday etc and having to take elder dd with me this would cost me £8 and be about a 2 hour round trip.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 19/05/2011 14:21

I insist my XH does pick ups and drop off, but he will occasionally text me that they are at his flat before I finish work and will I pick them up. It adds an extra 20mins to my journey home, but TBH I am so tired of fighting over evrything, the odd compromise doesnt hurt.

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 14:21

how much would a minicab be?

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 14:32

Thank you all for replys.
A taxi would be about £18 for there and back.
I feel that by still letting him see them here mid-week and giving him tea is me being reasonable.I have said he can have the dc when ever he wants ,overnights etc so am trying to do right thing.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 14:50

is it possible he travels to your area and just takes them out for his access time?

pickyourbrain · 19/05/2011 15:48

Can't see why there would be any option other than half and half. Presumably you want the children to have a relationship with their father as much as they and he do so it's the only fair way.

He is the absent parent but you can't hang that on him forever and a day, as much as you understandably will want to. At least if youre doing half of the pick ups/ drop offs you can control the times etc.

pickyourbrain · 19/05/2011 15:49

P.s his access is absolutely rubbish. what's wrong with the stupid man?!

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 16:11

pick-yes of course i do,that is why i have offered him to have the children as much as he wants and let him see them in the house and stay for tea in the week.He is the absent parent but i wont be hanging on th5s f6rever,i have had to leave my job due to him leaving and money is very tight so spending £8 on bus fare so he can see dc for 5 hours does make me cross.I am sure given time when i am able to go back to work/learn how to drive i will be prepared to do more.
If he was having the children for a longer period say saturday morning till sunday then i would not mind taking them one way but a 2 hour trip costing me £8 and meaning i dont get much of a break or time with my other dc is not on.

OP posts:
Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 16:22

ilove-yes that is what happened last week but he is not happy.His girlfriend is taking her driving test soon so hopefully if she passes and drives him around he wont moan so much.

OP posts:
QuackQuackSqueak · 19/05/2011 17:01

How old is he? Just wondered as the OW is so young.

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 18:24

He is 36.
Just wanted to know what other people did to see if i was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 18:25

i wouldnt be happy with a newly qualified teenager driving my kids anywhere either!

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 18:30

ilove-see i did think that but its really hard to know if i am making the right choices sometimes as i worry if i am being too harsh because i still feel some anger towards him.He has stuck to not introducing her till they have been together for 6 months which is good.

OP posts:
Gster · 19/05/2011 19:19

My xp and dd 2 years live about an hour ( on a good day ) drive from me. My xp ( the mum ) is not short of a few bob, but that is irrelevant. I always pick up and return dd. It never entered my mind that dd would be taken to my doorstep. I know my xp does a lot for dd so i'm happy to do this.

That said my xp was very tricky about me having access to begin with ( for no reason ) so i kind of wanter to calm the waters as well.

You sound very accomadating. Your ex sounds like a prick.

I think you need to balance 'getting on' and what's fair, and he may see the latter after the former if you see what i mean.

Half way sounds the best option for the moment. If yr feeling brave just tell him straight he can pick the kids up from yours whenever he likes but can't come in.....

At the end of the day it is his responsibility.

Didyouever · 19/05/2011 19:22

We do pretty much 50-50 drop offs.

But then we live 5 minutes away and have 50-50 shared care.

pickyourbrain · 20/05/2011 10:48

I'm sorry I didnt mean to upset you. You sound mad at my post but you canvassed opinions and that is mine. Good luck with it all.

Smum99 · 20/05/2011 11:17

Drops offs are usually 50/50 and it's a fair principle but you both have challenging arrangements. I think you need to negotiate a fair settlement and maybe it would help to break down each specific objection. i.e time take to travel vs contact time. Why not propose that you do the drop off if he takes the children for longer, maybe Sat until Sunday.
Re the costs: From the maintenance money you receive it might be a good idea to list and prioritise the children's immediate costs (like food, clothes, school dinners etc) but I would include an allowance for travel to see the other parent as I would view this as a priority cost. If the maintenance money, plus CB, doesn't cover the basics then I think you have a reasonable point to ask him for a further contribution.

Well done on separating your anger over the situation, you have the chance to move on and maybe meet a new partner. Anger seems to hold people back from having a fulfilling life.

Riakin · 20/05/2011 12:53

Drop offs are best being done 50/50.

As someone says it is very much the norm for this to be done 50/50

One drop off and pick up one week and vice versa or one picks up one drops off.

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 20/05/2011 14:21

Pick-no you did not upset me.I wanted peoples opinions because sometimes we are clouded by our emotions and i want to make sure i do the right thing by my dcs.I am cross with him because i offer him our lovely dcs for as much as he wants and all he can give is 5 hours a week,makes me very sad for dcs.

Smum-he does not pay me the amount CSA say he should because we have a few household items on HP so he is paying that and lower csa,obviously i had known what was going to happen i would not have wanted him to get things on credit and then i would be getting more money off him.

I would be happy to do the drop off if he had them longer but its not an option as he goes to work straight after having dc on sunday,he has 2 days off in the week and asked him to have them overnight then but on 1 of these he has his ds from a previous relationship and the other is his day with his girlfiend.

We start mediation in a few weeks to sort out finances and confirm child arrangements ,as you have all said 50-50 is the norm i feel i will be pushed into agreeing to that.

OP posts:
Riakin · 20/05/2011 14:29

Heavyheartedfarted

Can i just ask what on HP he actually pays for?

Mediation is also a good start!

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 20/05/2011 14:38

Riakin-its a cooker and my elder dcs christmas presents which were a xbox and ipod docking station,so not really things i can give him back.He said he wont budge on when he sees dcs so mediation really to sort out the house etc.

OP posts:
Riakin · 20/05/2011 14:45

Strange how he can get a variation for those i have to say.

There is actually nothing within the CSA guidelines (read law) that says these need to be taken into account.

pickyourbrain · 20/05/2011 14:46

I can't beleive that 5 hours is all he can offer. What a prick. My heart goes out for your DCs.

QuackQuackSqueak · 20/05/2011 14:47

Just wanted to say that any person of 36 dating someone of 18 is a sad and rather sick bastard! His girlfriend is hardly even an adult (puke!)

Rather off subject I know.