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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

who should do pick up/drop offs?

39 replies

heavyheartedfarted · 19/05/2011 13:50

H left 4 months ago found he was having affair with 18 year old is still with her so have started divorce.We have dd1 and ds5 together.
At first it was not clear if he would come back so i let contact take place at home to keep things easy for dc,agreement was one day after work 6ish till 8,and sundays 9.30-3 as he then goes to work, mid weeks have only happened about 5 times because of work.
Have now decided as we have started divorce would be more appropriate for him to see them out of the house on sundays but we are disagreeing on who picks up drops off,neither of us drive we live about 5 miles apart and takes about 45 mins on bus.I also have dd11 and ds13 and am on income support so i feel as he gets a decent wage and is the absent parent it should be up to him,what does everyone else do?

OP posts:

HattiFattner · 20/05/2011 14:49

5 miles? Walk! If you have no money, then a brisk 5 milewalk is an hour out of your day, which is pretty much what you are doing on the bus anyway. Plus you will get fit and get some fresh air.

Tell him you will meet at X place at eg 4:30pm, and you will wait no longer than 15 minutes before you leave. Text him when you turn around to come home, and then, if he wants them, he fetches them.

Likewise on return route, arrange to meet him in the exact same spot at the same time, he must be there within 15 minutes or you expect the children to be brought home. You have to ensure you are there on time too, or you will be doing a 10 mile hike.

Original poster

heavyheartedfarted · 20/05/2011 14:50

Riakin-we dont do it through the csa we just used their calculator to work out how much he would have to pay and then he has told me what he would pay because of the hp payments.
Pick-its sad but you cant make them step up can you,maybe when dcs are older and ask him why they cant sleep over etc he will see what he is doing but wont hold my breath.

OP posts:

Original poster

heavyheartedfarted · 20/05/2011 14:55

Hatti-is that a joke? i am not going to walk my 5 year old 5 miles to drop them off then walk 5 miles home,so me and my 11 year old would of walked 10 miles and took 2 hours at least out of our day?

OP posts:

Original poster

heavyheartedfarted · 20/05/2011 14:56

Quack-yes i agree its yuk

OP posts:

QuackQuackSqueak · 20/05/2011 14:56

HattiFattner So what does she do with her other children while she is walking for 1 or 2 hours a day?

mrsravelstein · 20/05/2011 15:01

my exh has always done both pick up and drop off, that's been the case for 7 years now, but he has only ever since ds1 every other weekend.

however now that he has 2 more young children (as do i), we sometimes meet half way for pick up, so we have about a 40 minute drive each (as unfortunately we live a long way apart).

if we lived nearer i would probably do 50/50 but my feeling is that since i have ds1 13 days out of 14, and therefore have to ferry him around everywhere juggling my other 2 children, I've never felt that I ought to be doing more for pick up/drop off.

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 20/05/2011 16:09

It's not the norm IME for 50/50. In 12 years dsd's mum has dropped her off twice, otherwise it was her dad doing all the travelling. And even when she moved further away and it was a 3 hour round trip, it was the same. The courts expected her to make dsd available for contact, everything else was down to him, and while occasionally it would have been nice for a half-way meet up, she had other children to look after, she had dsd for 12 days out of 14 and all that that entails.

I'm with mrsravelstein, if you are doing the lion's share of the childcare then there's no reason why he can't make the effort one day a week.

yoshiLunk · 20/05/2011 17:00

Hatti - that's a ridiculous suggestion

The average walking speed of an adult is around 3 miles per hour, and with a 5 year old? You're probably looking at more of a three hour round trip, she'll be setting off to go again before she gets home

I does make sense for him to be doing all the pick up/drop off's at the moment, a) because presumably you would be dragging along (and paying for travel for) your older two on the round trips and b) because he is earning.

ballstoit · 20/05/2011 17:00

I'm in a similar position to you, except I drive and have a car. Ex-H lives in city about an hours drive away. If he wants to see DC he is welcome to pick them up any time but I can't afford to do 4 hours driving once a week, and tbh don't see why I should. He chose to live so far away (as did your ex) and he knew where our DC lived when he made that choice.

Similarly, I was paying for a phone contract that let DC ring him for without charge on his mobile (he has no landline), I have had to cancel this contract and switch to a much cheaper one.

So, in short, if he wants to see them it's up to him to get off his arse and sort that out. You seem to have been very accomodating so far but his expectations are unrealistic and unfair to you and your other DC.

mrsmontano · 20/05/2011 22:20

I don't think 50/50 is the norm either, you take care of the children the majority of the time, taking them around where they need to go. If he wants to see them he should make the effort to come and get them, you aren't a taxi service for him and he's not doing you a favour by having them (at all those strange times that seem to fit around HIS schedule only!)

You only need to make them available for contact with him, not take them to him and present then on a platter for his convenience. Good luck, and be strong.

portaloo · 20/05/2011 23:03

My XP does both drop off and pick up. I make DD available for contact, and he either shows up to pick her up, or more recently, doesn't.

Also, Why does it take the bus 45 minutes to travel 5 miles? Is it not a straightforward journey?
I could drive 5 miles in 10 minutes, so don't understand why it takes the bus driver 45.

KittySpencer · 21/05/2011 00:38

I also don't agree 50/50 is the norm. I don't drive, Ex does - he collects and drops off the DSs every other weekend. I make the boys available for him to see them, and am happy to accomodate last minute changes of plan, but on the basis that he is responsible for travel.

If for any reason my Ex didn't have his car one weekend (in garage for MOT etc) I'd expect him to get a lift from his family (he lives with parents), taxi or bus.

If he didn't drive, then those are the options I'd be expecting him to follow. There's no way I'd be running round after him, I wasted enough time doing that when we were together!

Re buses, my Ex lives about 5-6 miles from me. 15 mins by car. It takes 2 buses to get there, first one takes 15 mins, wait for maybe 10-15 mins, then second one 30 mins (round the houses route, and busy roads). So the OP's bus taking 45 mins for a 5 mile journey doesn't surprise me.

Original poster

heavyheartedfarted · 21/05/2011 11:47

Thank you all for your opinions,it seems divided so i think for now i will stick with me telling him he must do it,like others have pointed out i do all the other running about for dcs.
I also feel that by me letting him say what day ,times ,me having no choice in that and letting him(when he bothers) see them in the house and have dinner in the week that i am being accomadating.
There are quite a few things for him to do park,cinema,indoor play etc within a 20 minute walk of my house so it is possible for him to stay around here.I think he wants me doing half ready for when he introduces his girlfriend next month so they can be round his together.
I expect this will be talked about in mediation and hope i stay strong,i dont want to be pushed into anything.
port-i just had a look on routeplanner (so i have info if needed for mediation) if i could drive it would be 5.6 miles,mainly on the motorway and take 11minutes but the bus obviously takes a longer route and this is on a lot of busy city roads.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 25/05/2011 00:06

it's a bit tough on you if you have to pay for your other children on the bus. not great for them either. I think you have to make your dc available for contact.. it's up to ex to organise himself. if you drove and he didn't, I would have suggested that you do the trip... good luck with the mediation...

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