40+ Lone parents

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I'm 49 and a lone parent (13yo and 20yo) am I in the minority on Mumsnet? It appears alot of the LP's here are a lot younger!

Thanks Boos- have just checked back on here before i go up for a nice long,hot bath. You and i are so on the same wavelength- and thanks for your kind offer of coming to see me if you were still over here- you are a star. xx
yep- he is a wanker (very good description of him!!) and i am so proud of myself for making this decision and following it through- as hard as it has been and still will be for some time- the peace i am feeling already is wonderful- not worrying every evening about how things are going to be when he gets in is fantastic and the atmosphere in the home now is totally
different.
I guess i will et used to the children being away from me- i should feel ok that they are with their dad- but because i dont trust him and i dont feel comfortable about him, it is almost like sending my kids to stay with a relative stranger- does that make any sense?

After my bath i am going to watch crap tv till really late and then go to bed and hopefully have a lie in- loads to do tomorrow and loads of easter eggs to hide!!
How did your trip to the Uk go? Is it nice to be back in Spain? Is it really hot here at the moment? Thanks again Boos- you are lovely. xx

YOu know what - it is one of the hardest decisions TO make, and the initial fall out always makes one wonder if it is the right one. But you will see that it is and it does get easier sooner than one might imagine possible. You are in such early days at the moment and I understand totally your fears about them going away to him - but at the end of the day they are his children and he does love them (even if he's crap at the children bit) - it will be topsy turvy for them to start with, but soon enough THEY will lead the way and HE will learn from them!

Trip to UK was fab. Had 4 days at either end of trip in London catching up with friends, my sister and being a bank for the older children....and then 6 days in the middle with my mum just pottering really. We all went over to one of my brother's for one night, drank copious quantities of wine and ate lots and then dragged ourselves round Peppa Pig World the next day, but Bella LOVED it which made it worthwhile! The weather was glorious for our whole fortnight as well!

Back to rain rain and more rain of biblical proportion and it's likely to be here until Tuesday! But it's warmish and we're just (well me) cleaning the house, clearing tonnes of leaves from the garden etc and Bella's just jumping in puddles and loving it! Off to Gibraltar tomorrow for cheap wine and very cheap petrol (89p/litre) and have worked my car so we'll be rolling into the petrol station when we cross the border! I can fill mine up there for about £35 (it's a Chrysler Voyager) so it's worth the 45 minute drive and queue to get in!

Just enjoy your lazy night and lie in and please rant whenever you need. xx

Hi Paul

That must been tough but he will soon learn just how hard this parenting lark is I am sure.and yes maybe a 3rd party or keep the conversations very short and pratical

Maybe in time your learn to enjoy the break but yes I can only imagine how hard it is especially as over Easter everybody is busy with their own familys and it gets very lonely .But glad it makes home feel better and can imagine just how much the atompshere has improoved now your not all on ternterhooks

hope you do lie in And that you get through the day ok .come yell on here if you feel the need.am around to chat if needs.Mn is keeping me sane ok almost sane ATM because no matter what time someone on mm is awake

ten where are you up

Boo.I'm laid here looking at blue skys you just keep the rain over there please .But yes puddle jumping is always a favourite thing here to and I may be known to have joined in

I'm not looking forward to the wedding next week as will make it to much for any vistors to come up .told them not to as London will be evil .

Waves to everyone else

Hope your all enjoying Easter holidays at least for once the weathers been on our side .Countdown to schools going back starts though dd has 1 day next week and that's for party thankfully got costume sorted before this it's kings and queens but she's going as Egyptian queen .which she prefers to anything princessy ( yet 3 years ago princess mad ] . The older 2 go back for three days and the pickle does 2 and then only 2 the week after due to appointments .Think my mum be ready for the rest by then.Though they are all being good

Am hoping to be home by the May half term .Infact I will be lol it is not a option.I may be a tad stubborn and bossy

shame we are all so spread over far and wide or we could have organised a meet up for or if we had no Kids.Though the last is always tricky one .I'm lucky that older ds is old enough to babysit now .
Though think even before this I had forgot what a social life was

.hmm wonders if can get in trouble for being tipsy and trying to drive a wheelchair orders airfilled bumpers

Hi again- well the kids are back and they have had a fab time- so why am i feeling so bad? I feel that the 24 hours that they have spent with him have made up for all of the shit that he had caused this family- he has treated them and hardly spent any time with them on his own- they spent most of today with his friend and his kids- the children have come back full of it and dd even referred to his place as our place- why do i feel so horrible- i feel a bit childish about it, like i am jealous of the time that they have spent together- does anyone else feel this way?
Justcall- hope you are alright and thanks for your kind words- and yes, wouldnt it be fantastic if we all lived closed to each other- i would love to meet you all.

Yes, yes and yes to all that you are feeling. It's normal. Here's the wanker bloke who basically made your life so unhappy and now he's doing things with the children that he never bothered to do before. On the positive side though, they have had a lovely time, albeit with his friend and kids, but I think as long as the children continue to have a good time with him, that is all you can hope for. Remember, they are so young really and they won't understand that words such as 'our place' will be unintentionally hurtful to you - even my mum still tells me that when my DB1 and I talked about 'our house with our Dad' it twisted her a touch and until I went through it with my older children I didn't understand what she had meant. Even on the very rare occasion the Bella's father bothers to have her (for a whole massive hour at that...) I hate every second she's away. Even if it does mean I can shower on my own or eat a whole giant Galaxy bar!

One day we shall sort out a meet! P'raps once I've moved back at the end of October we can look into arranging it. Then we can get outrageously pissed drink delicately and natter away!

Paul

at th moment he is geting to be disney dad and thats hard because as much as you want the kids to be happy part of you is cross .But th kids will soon see through him and apprciate everything you do for them

Grouchy sorry, hit send before I'd finished.

MAY? FGS. When do you move to Stoke? Or have you gone there already? And how are you feeling now? Move movement? HAve you started some full on physio or is it too early for that yet?

I raise my to you. Wishing you a very Happy Easter and will definitely try to come and see you when we are over in May if you are still at Stoke as it's on the way to the big DC's school. Will bring sun, sangria, silly sombreros and a donkey.... maybe a stud too if I can find one.....!

Boos- thanks- once again you manage to put a smile on my face- thank you. I know dd is trying to be enthusiastic to prove to herself that everything is ok, bless her- and it is much better that they are happy rather than go off to their dads crying- but it is good for me to hear that others appreciate how i am feeling and that i am not the only one feeling like this. This is the beauty of MN- sharing with other women and getting insight to how others feel in similar situations- it makes you feel that you are not alone and that how you feel is perfectly understandable and normal. My Womans Aid support worker today advised me strongly to reduce contact with him as much as i could- so i am going to look into how i can do this to protect myself from his continued abuse- she suggested that ex partners can often use the contact they have with their children to continue to exert power over us- so in these early days i guess him giving the kids treats and it being fun, fun, fun is a way of getting at me- i hope in time that their visits will become more 'normal' and they will start to see that life there isnt all rosy.

Grouchy- I am really sorry but in all my stress here i realise that i missed out on what happened with you- i gather you are not good and i have picked up on you going to Stoke but to save me going back through old posts could you bring me up to date please. I hope that you are ok at the moment and thinking of you.

Thinking of everyone at Easter- hope you have a good long weekend. xx

Hi all, am in a really bad place again had a tough 2 weeks which has been made even worse by XH telling me he is seeing another woman - the one i suspected him of seeing all along!! It still really hurts though as despite everything I love him an want to sort things out.
I cant explain how deverstated I am despite all crap he has been feeding me.
I invested the last 20years in us whole heartedly not to mention having 5DCs with him. He has no idea how much he is hurting me. I just want to go to sleep an not wake up till the hurt stops
Sorry to be crying to you all again

hi Paul

Im glad your feeling better and yes your support worker is right .He is trying to controll you and get back at you and the kids will soon see through it.I have a 17yo and a 14yo who a good while back turned round and thanked me and said my fathers a idiot and thank you for all you have done.ds1 now does not see his father his choice ,ds2 sees couple times a year and comes home and said it reminds him just how lucky he is .
Could you arange handover in netrual place and yes your right not to let him in and make sure anything he says is only relalted to the kids

Hmm in a nutshell 3 and bit weeks ago had bad back , week after i had more problems hobbld into a&E 6 hrs later was paryalised from waist down .Cue 2 lots of spinal surgry and a lot of time flat on my back staring at th ceiling ( still no posters to look at yet!!).hopefully Tuesday be sat up a bit.But theres been nerve damage and no one knows just how bad it will be .But defintly affctd moblity but just think what trouble i can get into with a scootr or powerchair .I can opps acidntly run some young hunk over get him to fall into my lap or at my feet

Hi Joely

its ok to be hurting especially as it seems to have happened fast and confirmed suspicions you have.Your in the very early stages of it all not quite as hard bitten as the rest of us. sometimes geting it out is .Your life and the dc have changed and its going to take time.so rant away and i did a lot of crying when my marriage ended .

Even though i was one to make him leave.Think i told him to pick a door or a window because he was going out of one either on his own or with my help.(he called ds a f**king retard)

Hello lovely ladies. Just back from Essex with DCs, after spending weekend with family. Sunburnt and knackered (not the names of DC!!) and was planning on having early night, but have got distracted yet again!!

Boos sorry the weather isn't so great over there - I think it may be my fault..... XP and OW are on holiday in Spain for a week at the moment, and I may just have sent some really evil wishes their way!! Sorry. If I did cause the bad weather over there, it will improve after Thursday cos that's when they fly back to UK!!
Grouch Thinking of you, and sending you the very best of 'get better' wishes. Boos is absolutely right, you are an inspiration to us all. I wish I could get some posters to you.
Paul Keep strong. All I can say is, definitely keep the contact with him to an absolute minimum and only about DCs - and then you can concentrate on your new life. My XP is being Disney Dad too, doing all sorts of stuff with DCs that he would never in a million years have done while still living with us. I don't even know who he is anymore - except to say that he cannot keep up this pretence for benefit of OW for much longer. I cannot wait for the house of cards to fall down for him.
Joely I really feel for you. Keep talking to us, and we will help you through.

On the topic of meeting, there is an open invitation to any of you to my place. I am in Southampton, so why don't we see if we can arrange a meet-up when Boos is over next? I feel like I know you all already! Happy Easter.

Hi Ladies- have had a nice day with the kids- last night i felt really sad- felt like things had changed between me and the children- it felt very unsettling. But today felt abit better- i did them an Easter egg hunt which they really enjoyed and we spent the whole day around the house and garden which we all needed as we are tired- a friend popped around which was nice and an elderly neighbour popped around with chocolate eggs for the kids- people were really kind so that lifted my spirits.
Boos- hope weather has improved abit for you- when are you next over in the UK? Would be great to meet up.

Grouch - thanks for filling me in with your situation- i am so sorry that i missed out on that terrible time for you- i was so absorbed in what crap what going on here that i didnt pick up on what was going on for everyone else- very selfish of me- but i was not in a good place. I am so sorry that you have had this awful experience- i so hope that things get better for you soon- thinking of you and you will be in my prayers- take lots of care.

Joely - please do not apologise- we are here for you- please use us to vent and rant anytime. Thinking of you and please keep in touch- take care.

Dumps-glad you have had a good weekend- what a lovely idea about meeting up- I am in the Midlands, near to Wolverhampton- so it would be possible to get down to you- maybe also we could have a Midlands meet up- or we could take turns- lets make it happen- like you, i feel as if we all know each other already- it would be fab to meet up sometime.

Hope you all have a good bank holiday- i am planning to make the most of it before the kids go back to school on Tuesday- then i have to get myself organised with practical stuff like sorting out benefits, seeing a solicitor, etc.

Just whizzing in quickly...

Yes Dumps your evil wishes worked! I don't really care too much about all the rain as I get the whole summer! But LOLing at XP and OW getting it!!!!

Grouch just hello really - did you manage to snaffle chocolate? Please keep us posted as to how things are going.

Paul Hope you've had a lovely day with the kids today and that you're feeling perkier. It really, honestly does get easier with time and sooner than you think. As long as the children are happy that is what you must focus on - think of the positives of him NOT being in the same house as you anymore

Joely Oh. I'm so sorry that you've had this knock. I'm not sure exactly what to say other than you must hold your head up high and realise that HE is an utter arse and frankly as hard as it is, he is clearly not worth the effort that you have put in over the years. Concentrate on you and your babies (and the big ones obvs) and please please just rant to us when you need to. PM or on here.

And Dumps my DB1 is in Warsash, so quite close to you really. Will definitely try and sort something when we're next over. We normally come over for a couple of weeks and I spend half at my Mum's generally (she's in Wilts but your side).

Right, tis midnight for me and I must get some sleep. V. bad night with Bella last night - she's got two fat molars coming through and having got away with trouble free teething for all the rest, my time has come for hellish nights!!! I have NEVER seen so much dribble.

Hi all

sadly the Easter bunny missed me this year . Next year he owes me big time .Checks for shotgun owning farmers ready incase forgets me again

Paul
U
Don't apologise Im doing ok and you have had a lot to deal with but glad the kids enjoyed the Easter egg hunt

Opps hit post .

Paul
I used to live in the midlands to Stourport on Severn lived there from age 11-16 before moved to Manchester for couple years then up to Lancashire .Now back down south now .

Boo
sorry on the weather but were keeping this blue skys thank you .I am hoping that means we have a summer this year .Last years was just wet so typical uk. Oh and I know your mums way well .as used to go out with a lad from there.When I worked at the airport preparing food for flights .There's my reason for not eating plane food ever again

Dumps
I often head down your way and as a child when visting family in the new forest to go in to Tottam( southhampton ) was a big treat.I'm in Herts ,well not ATM but will be home asap ,once I am done with lazing around here

ten or since you beenissing even offer a

skifit

Hope you and ds found something to do over the weekend .

I used to and still do to a point hate school holidays as you reach point of needing adult conversation .But friends often to busy with their familys and dp /dh and you worry about being in the way .Same at Bbq etc they are hard work on your own
Spoke to the kids again last night ( call couple timed a day) and they are like mummmm .Nan used to be fun and spoil us now she's just bossy .lol think they may be a tad looking forward to me coming home :).Then nam can go back to spoiling them
I

Morning Lovelies. Can't wait for school to start again tomorrow. DS is one stroppy 11 year old at the moment. I have run myself ragged over last 2 weeks, making sure that DC had fun - we were either out doing things, or they had friends round to play most days - even though I still have major building work going on at back of house to stop it from falling down and having more children around was the very last thing I actually wanted!! And the thanks you get??? Attitude, sulking glum face, strops, flouncing, sarcastic comments.........grrrrrrr.

Am liking the idea of us getting together though. Let's make sure that we do it.

Have a great day in the sunshine (sorry Boo, didn't mean to rub it in!!!).

Aha well - I've got 25 and blue skies and sunshine!!!!!!!!! Dumps my dear - 11 and stroppy - wait til he's 14, grunting and stroppy !! I was just talking with a friend this morning about these spoilt brats we all have - I seriously do not recall uttering the words 'I'm bored' (not least because it just wouldn't have been worth it!). Mum would give us a packed lunch and we peed off for the day from 9am -6pm, climbing trees/making dens etc.

Another dreadful night with Bella and her teef. Been to chemist, got supplies and will use accordingly at bedtime. Fingers crossed.

Hi all, my DS aged 10 yrs has been off on school hols since March 30th and back on wed this week...cant wait.

ekk skifit

thought was bad here mine broke up pn the 5th i think .mind ds1 ds2 back tomorrow .Ds3 is in Weds/thursday this week ,dd just Thursday and then course of friday /monday,Then ds 3 has appoinments Tuesday/weds .So he be of alll month and i not even been able to enjoy it

Boo

Hope Bella has a better night

Joely hope your feeling better today

Everyone else hope you enjoyed the sun

Hi everyone- we had a good day- took the dc on a lovely woodland walk with some friends this morning- got invited to an little easter egg hunt this afternoon and then a friend came for tea- not bad for a day where i had no plans!!

Dc are back to school tomorrow so i am looking forward to getting myself sorted abit. Off to see the solicitor on Wednesday so tomorrow (after i have done the mountain of ironing...) i have to write a 'story' of my marriage- my solicitor wants me to write everything down with regard to why i ended the marriage- where do i start?! That will keep me busy most of the day!!

He has sent me and email today wanting the dvd player and also wanting to see the kids twice next weekend- my Womans Aid support worker suggested that i think about what I want and then tell him- i am so used to thinking about how he will react to something that i am still nervous when he makes requests- the sooner we get something sorted regard access the better- what do you guys think works best with access arrangements?

I cant decide what might work best- she suggested every other weekend- the problem i have is that both dc go to a youth club on a Friday evening and then ds has football training on Saturday morning where we live and we go to Church on Sunday morning- so whatever arrangements we make are going to interfere with what we do as a family- how do we best sort this? Any suggestions are advice would be very welcommed- also i have to sort out my finances- in terms of maintainence- how much do you think is a reasonable amount, considering i have 2 dc & and 9- i have been a sahm for past nearly 10 years? I have no idea- i am planning to go through everything in terms of bills, etc but because he sorted out all the finances i am finding it really hard to work out how much i need- again, any advice on this would be great.

Grouchy- thinking of you- hope you are ok- i love Stourport- what a lovely place to live when you were younger.

Boos- hope Bella has a better night- teething is certainly a nightmare isnt it- Grace lost a big canine the other day and how bad did i feel when the following morning i realised that i had forgot to put her money out from the Tooth fairy? Luckily she doesnt believe any more but Ollie does so i had to tell him that lots of kids in the village must have lost their teeth that day and they had run out of money!!

Dumps- hope you have a good day when they are all back at school- know what you mean- i have taken the kids on holiday, taken them to craft activities, taken them to a fishing activity session, given them loads of easter eggs, etc- taken them out as much as i can and they are still tired, grumpy and fighting with each other- why do we bother?!!

love to you all- i am off to bed soon- so tired but cant sleep when i get there and i wake up early...

Paul I love your lies re the tooth fairy and I will have to remember that one! How much is it these days? Bella's had a crap day unfortunately and she is waking and wailing 'hurt mouth, hurt mouth' on the hour every hour. Just given her dose of junifen so hopefully she'll give me three hours now. I'm going to have a think for you this evening and tomorrow morning and PM you with everything rather than air all on here re your 'homework' IYSWIM. I'm so glad, though, that you have had a lovely day today with DCs and friends.

Grouchy my lovely - have you done some sitting yet? I just wish there was something I could do to help.

Evening Ladies. Bit pished. Keyboard playing up and moving keys around in a very sneaky and underhand way, so taking a very long time to write this message!!! Must be elves playing their tricks again!
Boo Hope you have a better night with teef tonight.

Grouchy Thinking of you
Joely How are you doing?
Paul Good luck with legal stuff. Make sure that the writing it all down makes you feel stronger. Boo and the others are much better at this advice stuff than me, but what I would say when it comes to access to DC is that make sure that you work out what is best for you. XP will have to fit into existing current routines of DC. Perhaps it will do him good to actually have to fit in with the family routines for once - and make sure that you do what is good for you and do not put his thoughts or needs before yours. Make him help out with all the to-ing and fro-ing that comes with dcs activities. As far as the finances, I think Boo gave some fab advice a while back with a full list of costs, expenses, bills to take into account when calculating monthly living costs. I have used the list myself, because it covers all sorts of things that I hadn't even taken into account. Good luck with it all.

I am trying to sort out my finances too. XP is trying to block me becoming financially independent, but trying to distance my life from his in all ways.
Kids back to school tomorrow. YAY! Only a builder to feed, a new job to start, a street party to organise and a house to rebuild......

Pishhead Dumps . Pesky keyboards hey?!!!! Lovely quiet week you have ahead of you!!! Good luck in the new job. Hope head ok in the morning..

Hi can I join in if i promise to read all 17 pages and catch up with you all. I am 46 with a 25 yr old and 17 yr old.
Been single for a little while and getting bored now :)

Ever yes absolutely - we will be testing you on Thursday! I'm 40 and have three DDs of 17, 16 and 2 and a DS of 14. Welcome!