40+ Lone parents

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I'm 49 and a lone parent (13yo and 20yo) am I in the minority on Mumsnet? It appears alot of the LP's here are a lot younger!

Hi I am 52 with a 10 yr old son, and 2 grown up children who have left home.
Glad to hear there are others out there.
Does anyone live in Wiltshire/Hampshire and fancy meeting up?

MOrning All,
Skifit what a shame - I've been staying with my mum in Winterslow, for the past week which pretty much fits your Hamps/Wilts border! BUt I'm off back to London today and then back home to Spain on Wednesday. But will definitely let you know when I'm next back as would be lovely to meet up.

Going been thinking about you over the weekend and wondering how you are getting on. How long will you be stuck on your back for? I think posters of handsome young and very fit men would probably bring a smile to your face!!!! I wish I had time to visit you on this trip, but we should definitely try to do something when Bella and I are next over. Definitely at the end of JUne but probably over half term too. Will keep you posted.

Dumps Firstly, well done with your job for after the Easter Hols. With regard to XP - he sounds like such an arse and not unlike my ExP. I am seeing a solicitor in London tomorrow as married or not (I wasn't) he still has a duty to provide for his offspring. I sit and watch BElla's father swanning around here there and everywhere, two properties he calls home (one in London and one in Spain), no mortgage etc etc and I have not received a penny towards our daughter since January. I am borderline solvent but without some extra from him I will fall very definitely into the insolvent camp within a couple of months. There is no assistance available to me in Spain and I too am at the end of my tether. I will let you know how I get on tomorrow and I hope that it can be some help to you in your position too.

Joely HOw are you getting on generally? How is it being back at work and how are all the DCs? Are the smaller ones at a nursery or childminder and have they adapted well. And also, are you managing to sleep a bit better. I know it sounds a tad crass, but no matter the shit thrown at us (and there's plenty, I know) a half decent sleep arms us with a certain boost to get through our days more successfully.

Right, I must pack and get ready to head back to London. Had the most wonderful time down here with my Mum and all the children. The older DDs are back in Oxfordshire staying with their respective best chums knuckling down to some serious revision for their exams coming up next month and DS is away on an Outward Bound week in Anglesea and having a ball by all accounts! So its just me and DD3 now. Will take her to the London Aquarium tomorrow for a treat and then we have a lunch planned with my DSis on Wednesday who works in Victoria before heading out to the airport and away to sunnier climes!!!

Hi Skifit

im over in Hertfordshire.

Boo.Glad you have had a good trip and had fun with the dc.Word to the wise London aquarium gets really hot inside even when cold outside and i hate to imagine how busy it is now.

As for me im going to be flat on my back till least next week .To see if surgery takes .Then will be allowed to sit up slightly and then the big task will be seeing if i can stand and then working on learning to walk again ( no one is sure how bad the neurological damage is .Some nerves were severed and some crushed ) and im determined that I will walk even if it means end up walking with odd gait .Well no one will know if I had a drink or not at least

Going there's a thought. Battersea Park it is then!!! We went in Feb anyway and I've been a gazillion times over the years with the older grots!!

Fingers crossed for next week. My friend who had similar - her disc exploded, quite literally - still has a tiny limp but she says it's better than the alternative horrors and with physio she's getting stronger and stronger each day. I have everything crossed for you and much hope too. x

Boosmummie .. thats a pity. How old are your children?

Do let me know when you are next back in England.

Skifit, I have three DDs of 17, 16 and 2 and a DS of 14. One of my brothers lives close by too and has DD of 11 and DS of 7. But we're over lots, so will definitely let you know when we next stay down at my Mum's.

Ok , thats great !!

Hi ladies- I am back...!!
We had a lovely holiday in Dorset- being by the sea was uplifting and being away from all the stress here was just what i needed. He had moved out while we were away and he came back on Monday evening to tell the kids. I feel so much better already- not dreading him coming home each day is fantastic and i feel as if a hugh weight has been lifted from me. The children have been great- they seem more relaxed too- so far so good...

They are going to stay with their dad this weekend- he said he couldnt have them till Monday but i insisted they went sooner as they go back to school on Tuesday- the only problem that i have is that he has taken a 2 bedroom cottage- i thought that dd (9) would have one room and he would share with ds(7)- but apparently he has told dd this evening that she will be on a camp bed in his office and then he will get a blow up mattress for her- she is obviously not very happy about this- although she is only 9 (nearly 10) she is very big for her age and the camp bed that he has is very uncomfortable- she is worried that she is not going to be able to sleep- poor love.

I assumed he was taking a 2 bedroomed property so the kids had their own space when they went to stay- now he is making the second bedroom into his office and dd will have to fit in when she goes there- does anyone think that i am being unreasonable? I was rather hoping that he would make it nice for them to stay with him- not for them to feel as if they are in the way and just a houseguest. I guess it doesnt surprise me really- he has never been able to put others before his own needs and he is not at all nurturing with the children- the problem i have is that he doesnt take kindly to advice- so if i try to explain how this situation is not acceptable he will get very angry with me- infact, i said something to him this evening about him taking them out this weekend instead of them helping him unpack (which he had siad they would be doing) and he told me that it is nothing to do with me anyone.

I sort of feel that it is to do with me- they are my children and i know them better than anyone- i take care of them constantly by myself and always have done- they are out of sight, out of mind- he only speaks to them for a couple of minutes each evening- he hasnt got a clue what is going on in their lives- but he thinks that i do not have a say about anything to do with the time that they spend with him- please share your thoughts on this with me- this is all very new to me and i need as much support and advice as i can get!

Sorry for long post- had to get that off my chest...!! Will be back soon. xxx

Hi

am glad you all had a good break and that now he has gone the atompshere has lifted at home.

How often ate the dc going to be staying overnight with him?.am guessing if it is every other weekend he has figured that having the room empty most the time is waiste of space guess he could least got a sofa bed . Has he thought where dc will keep clothes toys etc?

As for doing things ,spending time well he is going be on a sharp learning curve for that .He may well now see and appreciate all the hard work you have put into raising the dc..But yes sadly when the kids are with him on his weekend the choices are his well till the kids get bored and start nagging to do something not sure if they. Have toys/games there or fighting with each other .

Oh I namechanges is goingroundthebend twirls in new name

Hi Everyone. Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine.
Well, I survived the weekend. DCs came home on Sunday evening, but I wouldn't even look XP in the eye and I stood on the doorstep and wouldn't let him take a single step into the house. DD told me that 'it's all going to be ok, because she has 2 mummies now' and was wearing a ring that OW had given her. Nice!! Needless to say had a chat with DD about how she only has 1 mummy, and the ring has been returned...
XP then rang on Monday to apologise for not talking to me to check it was ok for DC to spend weekend with OW - but told him to stop wasting his breath apologising because i will never forgive him.
Miraculously though, I am now feeling so much stronger. He has done his worst to me, and he cannot hurt me like that again ever. I am going to take more control over the finances, close our company down, start afresh, and really start to move on.

On the flip-side, the house is a rotting and brick-crumbling concern and am now living in a building site while a builder friend is trying to stop house from falling down! Hey ho.......
Off with DCs to my dad's in Essex for Easter. Hope you all have a great time.x

Going how are you feeling now? I think Boo is right, the poster of a very fit young man will speed that recovery along nicely. Hope all is going well.

Joely Hope you get the finances sorted out too. As you say, all we want is a bit of financial security. We have enough to deal with, without having to constantly worry if XPs are going to keep to their financial responsibility.

This legal thing really bugs me too. We weren't married, which means I do have less rights but it doesn't seem right that they can just avoid and swerve drawing up and registering a proper legally binding agreement. If they intend to keep to the verbal agreement, then why is it an issue to make it legally binding???

Skifit I'm in Southampton......

Paul glad you had a good break, you deserve it. I know how hard it is to not be able to control the environment your DCs are going to be in with XP. We want everything to be so nice for them all the time - but this is out of your control. My DCs (boy and girl 11 and 8) have to share a bed on their weekends, but you know what - they are absolutely fine. They have taken a few of their own things to XP flat, keep toothbrushes and pjs there, so if DD were to take a few things from home for her weekends away, I am sure that it will help her to settle. My kids think it's a bit of an adventure. It is so hard, being solely responsible for DCs for 12 days out of 14 - but then having no influence over the 2 days they are not with us. I'm a bit of a control freak, but even I have had to learn to step back from the things that are out of my influence. Good luck with everything.

Boos Back overseas again? Hope you had a great break with family. The weather came up trumps for you over here, didn't it? How did you get on with legal stuff?

Hi to everyone else. Gotta go. Builder requires another coffee!!!!

Dumpsville

question is the builder a nice bit of eye candy well a woman has to dream .covets eyes incase is not

hope you have nice time at your dads

as for me I'm of to Stoke manderville next week to spinal unit sadly tests have confirmed that moblity has been affected .Bowles are ok though which was the part that scared me anything else can deal with

think case of pimp my wheels coming up

Hi Dumpsville !
Anyone else slooking forward to school starting again . My 10 yr olds is getting quite bored. The days he has spent at his dads he is occupied with lots of pets etc, but here in town...its boring. Thank god my dad gave my DS some pocket money today!

Single mum/dads 40+ ......
How will you bank hol weekend with easter be ?
Do you have family to spend it with?

normally were be of to the zoo .Just me and the kids maybe just dd and ds3 .ds1 and ds2 tend to think they ar ebit past it .they are almost 17 and 14

Happen to know while im laid up considering posters on ceilings of some intresting views

my lot are of to chessington with my mum and step dad(we have merlin cards so not the expense it could be )

I'm 47 you know! My children are very young, so I'm truly the oldest mum in the playground.

Does anyone have recommendations for lone parent holidays suitable for slightly decrepid mothers - I'm afraid camping is out...

objectvis

my dc are ds1 17 ,ds14, dd8 and ds5 .

Think quite a few use a company called mango .I have throught of it but becuase of the age gaps it seems more aged for the 0-12 age which be great for younger ones but then need to balance my older two .
and know they do hotel stays to but gets expensive as per room and course i need two rooms as its normally 4 to a room and course the older dss need own room now

I often take mine to Centre parcs(out of season cant afford summer prices) but it does get lonely

Hello All,

Sorry not been on for a bit. Had our last few days in London which was something of a whirlwind and we arrived back last night having shared a row on our flight with Fabio Capello!!! He's very nice and his English is indeed shocking. But he was rather taken with Bella and carried bags/fetched heavy case and walked us almost to our car!!!!

Grouchy Good grief at the Stoke Mandeville appointment. Have you been badly affected or do you not know the full prognosis yet. My heart took a dive when I read that line. I hope hope hope it all goes well for you and wish that I was able to help in some way. Sending you lost of very un-MN hugs and rant when you need.

Paul how lovely to see you on here again! And so pleased that you had a lovely holiday with the children. Just what the three of you needed I think. Difficult one with their father. To be honest I think it will be sooner rather than later that DD (certainly) and DS (probably) will say that they either don't wish to go or would prefer just to spend a day with him. I wonder perhaps a little down the line why he doesn't get a sofa bed and put that in his study/second bedroom - surely bits can be moved for a night or three while he has the children to stay. I also think he will find out pretty quickly what looking after children actually involves when he has to do ALL the work... Breathe and rest assured that the children WILL speak out!

Dumps I'm so pleased to read your line that you are feeling much stronger. OUr trip was wonderful and it was indeed fantastic weather for the entire fortnight bar a couple of overcast, but not cold, days. Did Peppa Pig World down in the New Forest which is well worth the visit with smalls (it's part of Paulton's Park, so older ones can enjoy too). Legal stuff is moving slowly but surely. I am torn at the moment between wanting to behave like a petulant child and tell my solicitor everything I know about his finances (all of it - I did all his paperwork) which will potentially get him into a spot of bother with Mr Tax Man or just gently telling ExP what sort of maintenance for Bella is deemed a fair figure and just get on with it that way... I am swinging madly between the two - currently wish to be a brat as the twunt has not actually bothered to ask after his baby for nearly 3 weeks. Should have married him when he asked then it would have been easier!!!!

Joely Just hello really - how is it being back at work? How are your babies? And most importantly, how are you?

Ten where there bleeding hell are you?

Objectivist hello - I have 3 DDs of 17, 16 and 2 and a DS of 14. Holidays? What sort of budget and re we talking home or away? If it's away, then I may be able to help... PM me for more info.

Skifit Yes - school holidays do wear us all rather thin! I was so lucky when the big ones were younger and living in London - we had fab things like Arty Party that did week long (9-3) activity stuff and football/sporting clubs on the common etc. Now that they're older they can pretty much do their own thing, but I do still get the 'I'm borrrrrrrrrrrred' whining at times! Said big ones are now with their Dad for the rest of the hols and Bella and I are back in Spain, but just pottering really. The whole country seems to shut down for Easter so we'll not be up to much.

Blimey - there's an essay - this is what I get for slacking off for a few days!

Happy Easter to you all and if I have missed anyone then I am truly sorry....

i dont know at least you left us the warm weather Booo .Have bribed nurses to open the window .Hope you enjoyed London with Bella and enjoy being home .

oo peppa pig world thats on my must do list opps i meant ds3 to do list alongside monkeyworld hopefully will do over the summer

We have just booked centre parcs for november as we love their winter wonderland and theres something for all the dc there .something to look forward to.

oh and i am now the proud owner of a Kindle friend brought for me as a gift as he figured that i was in danger of the pile of books topling down on me .And this way can have at my finger tips .

and yes sadly the injury was severe I lost all sensation from the waist down have some back but looks like long term moblity issues due to nerve damage .But it could have been worse ,
so of for some spinal rehab and some fancy wheels it seems .But think becuase know so many people who live life to the full even in a wheelchair its not as bad a shock as it could be if people dont know anyone in a chair and luckily my house is already set for wheelchair user so no adaptions needed .

Ten are you hiding as not been making the well figure it is oclock by now

hope everyone enjoys eating the kids egss as mums it is our loyal duty to do just that

Oh grouch that is rotten to hear. But if you have some feeling back do you think with the rehab you will have some sort of independent mobility? How on earth are you going to manage with DS3 - will the local health authority be able to provide some help and/or respite care as well? You are so wonderfully upbeat in your posts, an inspiration to us all. I'm just stunned at all of this, and don't really know what to say other than thinking of you and hoping all goes well at Stoke.

Love your comment about the eggs! Yes, it is most definitely our responsibility to save their little teeth from all that chocolate!!!

Luckily ds3 in a chair is pretty independent when he's not being lazy toad and he can walk a little bit to so that helps plus my biguns are good were work out a way .Respite as such no but he andhis sister go to saturdayclub anyway and have days out with them in the summer so were muddle through.mums at mine ATM but lol I loveherbut once I'm home she be sent home for everyones sake

upbeat lol if you could see me yesterday I lost it with dr who was curious as type of injury is rare only 100 cases or so
a year.I wS feeling miserable and very sick and would not take no as no and I rather forcefully screamedat him to feck of and hopeheunderstood thator. Do I needto repeat it

yes I'm rather disappointed that my egg stealing looking after skills won't be used. This year

Grouchy Bella has shit loads rather a lot that I may struggle to snaffle, so will save and send crushed in an envelope to you!!!!

I remain in awe of you.

Hi ladies- well, they have gone... their dad has just picked them up and i feel so alone. They went off really well which is a blessing and as soon as they went i burst out crying- i feel as if i have lost them- we have been attached at the hip for the past 2 weeks, so as much as i have been looking forward to the break, I feel awful- I feel sick and very sad- like it is very real.

He got so cross with me today on the phone- he was shouting at me and told me to shut up- the kids were in the background and i asked him to stop being so angry with me- i told the children that the arguing would stop when daddy left so i really dont want him shouting at me down the phone, especially when they are around.

When he collected them i spoke to him briefly but i am not planning to get into conversations with him- if needs be i will do all communication through a third party- isnt sad that he is so angry with me- he doesnt have any regard or respect for how hard i work in bringing up his children all by myself- he told me this morning that i no longer had the right to tell him how to do things- the only reason i ever told (or suggested) how to do things with and for the children was because he never used his brain when he was with them and didnt know much about them.

He seems to see me as a big irritant and an annoying interference in his life- he is so angry at me and the only thing that i have ever done wrong is decide that i am no longer prepared to tolerate the way he treated me....

Sorry for ranting on again! I am off to keep myself busy now- tidying and cleaning the house- it will keep my mind occupied- wish i had some single friends who understood how i feel- all my friends are with their families this weekend and i feel so alone- my parents and sister and family are abroad on holiday so i really do feel abandoned.

Hope everyone has a good weekend- wouldnt it be good if everyone who was on their own this weekend could get together - have a good one and hope you all have lots of chocolate eggs!!

Aw Paul I'd come and see you if I was still over.

HE's a wanker, clearly and yes - if this is the way he is going to speak to you more often than not then definitely communicate through a third party. It is totally unacceptable. Next time put the phone down. And do NOT pick it up before informing him that you will not tolerate being spoken to in this way.

I know the lonely feeling when they go so well, but I promise you it does and will get easier. IT's such early days that everything is still going to be difficult, but busying yourself with chores is a good start. PUt some loud music on, fling open the windows and enjoy the chance to clean and sort. Then have a lovely hot bath/shower and watch the crappiest television you want or not! That's the thing - this is time for you to rebuild YOURself so that you can help the children and you rebuild your shattered lives together.

Here endeth the lesson.

xx