40+ Lone parents

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I'm 49 and a lone parent (13yo and 20yo) am I in the minority on Mumsnet? It appears alot of the LP's here are a lot younger!

Morning All, lovely ladies. No DCs. Still in bed. Cup of tea and 2 toasted hot cross buns for breakfast in bed! (XP never approved of bfast in bed, so I make sure I do it regularly!!). Then again, he didn't approve of much, and it's only now that I realise how much of a oppressive influence he was. He also didn't approve of:
Me reading in bed before I went to sleep (now do it every night)
Pets (DC and I have now got fab fish tank and 6 very ugly fish), working my way up to cats - particularly because XP is allergic to cats!!
Disneyland (DC and I went 2 weeks ago)
Having a dishwasher (guess what I bought with my Xmas money!!)
Anything spontaneous (now regularly do fun things with DC on a whim)
Having the heating on (the house has been likely a bloody sauna since he left!!)

Blimey, when I look back, it makes me realise what a complete bore he is - and I really wasn't living the life that I wanted for either me or DCs.

Here's a question for you all. What things do you make sure you do now, that you 'weren't allowed' to do when XP was around?

Read in bed
Use the dishwasher - never understood the point of having it but not using it - it's bloody cheaper when used properly
Using the aircon ALL BLOODY DAY when it's 30+ outside
Watch what I want to watch on television instead of sport/rolling news. And not having to Sky + total tosh and be jigged at because I actually do NOT wish to use my brain at times.
Let DD3 sleep with me if she wants, because she gives the best cuddles in the world EVER.
Sit on the laptop all day evening if I so desire.

Things that I no longer have to do:

Tip toe around Princess Precious First Born who is incapable of wiping her own arse.
Be a taxi driver for beyond ungrateful Princess PFB with no thanks. EVER.
Cook for a lazy arsed 17 year old child - even a piece of toast.
Muddle through said child's disgusting hovel to find her laundry lest I be sneared at for not doing it.
Take shit for informing the father that his daughter is taking drugs, being called all names under the sun and then 3 weeks later he discovers it's true and does NOTHING.
Watch with sadness as my darling baby is ignored, never held, never played with and called c* at 8 months old because she dared to pull Princess PFBs hair - because 8 month old babies should no better shouldn't they.

Can you tell I am in a foul miserable mood this morning.

There are quite likely many, many more!

Ooh yes Boo, had forgotten about having to put up with horrible crackly Radio 5 all feckin weekend!!! DS also sleeps with me at least once a week, which secretly I really like. DCs were never allowed in our bed, not even in the morning for a cuddle when X was here.

This is actually making me feel quite positive. Hope your day improves. Btw, PFB sounds bloody horrible. I'm quite intrigued as to where you are?

Paul I haven't commented on your posts, but i just want you to know that I am thinking of you. It sounds such a cliche, but you really do have to take one day at a time - and don't let him rush you into making decisions. This is a really important time for you to rebuild a happy life for you and DCs - and that should not be rushed - just because he wants to run at a faster timescale. Stay strong. You are a good person, and good things come to good people.

Dumps I'm in Spain. And yes, she was/is. Made my life a living hell for 7 years and is still trying to. This is a child who did not want to see even her own mother and on the rare occasion her father didn't back down, she would text in under half an hour to be collected. Her mum is lovely btw, but PFB is a spoilt shit child and if she wanted to do or not to do something, well that's how it is.

I would hit her if I was that way inclined, but luckily for her I am not. Still, she might not want to have anything to do with her half sister, but at least B has my three older children who would do anything for her!

Great question - study. I had to chose between my then husband or my MA - no choice really.

What do I do now that I didn't do with XH?
Smile and laugh a lot
Change into pjs as soon as I get home from work
Spend my free time enjoying my children without him expecting to take priority
Cook what I want, when I want
Sleep in comfort on exactly the type of bed I always wanted
Spend time with a man who adores me and tells me so every day, several times a day
Go on cheap and cheerful holidays that the DDs love and XH turned his nose up at
Choose how I want to spend my own money
Have two childless nights a week, and a social life
Stand naked in my own bedroom

And now I don't:
Listen to Radio 4
Have a house full of booze (I don't drink)
Do his laundry
Walk on eggshells
Stay up half the night to avoid getting into bed with him because he would demand sex or there would be a half hour discussion if I refused
Have sport on the tv
Grit my teeth as he yells from upstairs to downstairs or vice versa or from one room to another instead of getting off his arse and going to talk to the person face to face
Lie in bed pretending to be asleep on a weekday morning waiting for him to go out for a run

Life has improved immeasurably!

Happy mothers day to you all! Guess I will have to make the again. Or are you all in bed getting real and lots of hugs and kisses? My girls are awake but neither has been downstairs yet to write the cards that they chose and I got up at 7 and made my own tea!

Happy Mothers Day!

Unfortunately Lilac Bella's crap with the kettle and hot things so far!! And the big ones are in England, so i will also be making my own tea! I was woken with a kiss by Bella and she's giving me cuddles, so it's not all bad!

Morning lovelies. Happy Mother's Day. Am home alone, so have made my own . Even though I knew that realistically XP wouldn't do anything to recognise Mother's Day, or arrange for DC come round early for a cuddle - there was still that small glimmer of hope that he would do the decent thing. No need for me to tell you that it hasn't happened, is there??!!

Hey ho. Off to meet my sister at Savill Gardens, to visit the tree we planted for my mum 13 years ago - with perhaps a spot of lunch thrown in too.

Have a great day everyone.
Dumps. x

Hello Yummy Mummies...

Am am Mums on the coast, so don't have the chance to read all posts:( can't wait to catch up later though as I'm having withdrawal symptoms!

Hope you are all being spoilt in one way or another...

xx

Hi Ladies- hope you have all had a lovely day- despite feeling really poorly ( a virus, i think- maybe just stress?!) the children have made sure that i have had a really nice day- bless them.. They bought me some lovely pressies and both made me some fab homemade cards- they worked really hard and made loads of effort- dd bought me a cup of tea in bed and made me lunch- and they both made some chocolate crunchy cakes for pud.
We played some board games in the afternoon and watched tv together this evening- their dad had man flu all weekend so has been about as useful as a chocolate teapot!! Roll on when we get back from holiday- he will be gone by then!!
He said the nastiest thing that anyone has ever said to me before- on Friday evening when the kids were at youth club he told me that he should have left me in Birmingham (where i lived when i met him) to rot- that is pure evil isnt it? And today when i expressed that he has spent such little time this weekend with the children (and it would be his last weekend here with them)- he said he is ill- when i pointed out that i am ill too but i still have to take care of them- he said- well i pay for them- what a complete tosser....

His attitude is that we have just cost him and that as long as he pays for us or has paid for us then he has done what was needed and that he has a right to therefore behave however he likes- i hope for the kids sake that they never find out how horrible he really is- but i have a feeling that it wont be too long before they realise what he is like and wont want to spend much time with him- especially if it means they willl have to be separated from me. Because he has never been particularly hands on or involved in their lives i have had to have such a huge input in their lives- i have had to parent them on my own for such along time that we are a very close team and it worried me silly to think that it is going to be broken up every other weekend for the reat of their childhood-

Am i daft for feeling that way? I wish i had confidence in his ability to take care of them- but based on how he has always been he doesnt know how to put others needs before his and he can hardly look after himself let alone 2 lively, demanding kids...

Off to bed now for a snuggle with my new lamb- ( the kids bought me a Build a Bear spring lamb- she is gorgeous)!! Night, night all xxx

Hello Paul. Not sure whether this will catch you before you go to bed - but I have just a couple of thoughts.
I'm sure that you are feeling poorly due to stress - it's completely understandable. It sounds like your DC have done a wonderful job today, and you deserve it.

X sounds absolutely horrible, but I can only hope for you that he will actually wake up to himself when he has left. Perhaps he will stop being so spiteful when there is a bit of distance, and he can just concentrate on trying to be a good dad. If not, the DC will see straight through him and won't want to spend time with him. They are smarter than we all give them credit for.

Happy Mother's Day, and sleep well x

paul You sound like you had a good day with the kids and they spoilt you:) well deserved I'm sure!

I think as dumps said, your illness is most probably stress, it comes in different guises. The ex is just being as nasty as he can to make you pay for what you are doing, that's the only way he knows how. They never see that they have any responsibility for the situation and they're rarely mature enough to consider what effect their behaviour has on the kids. Hopefully, in time, things will settle down (it normally does) and you will get in to a pattern with access etc. You all need to adapt to a new way of life, and it's not in the least bit daft to feel like you do. See how he fairs with the kids on his own, as long as they're in no danger I'm sure they'll be OK. Kids are adaptable and resilient, they just need to know that you both still love them. This is a very emotionally trying time for all of you, be gentle with yourself. Once he has gone, you can get into a routine,just you and DCs. Life will get better,let time be the healer..

Keep your chin up xx

Hope everyone had a good day .Been very lazy weekend here kids have been fantastic little two been playing in the garden though I gave up trying to clean bathroom as everytime I wiped it they come into wash their hands and they are dirt monsters

we had takeaway yesterday. As well

Paulwellan

your find hopefully your feel better when on holiday and once he has gone and hopefully your ex will wake up and realise what he has missed out on if not I'm sure they will soon suss him out

ds1 and ds2 have no illusions about their dad ds1 won't see him ds2 sees about 3 times a year and turned round other day and said thank deck I never grew up with him around because he has messed up and is messing up his other kids

dd and ds3 have no contact with their dad for over a year now but his choice

Am of to the Drs in a bit the back has got worse and not even the strong over the counter stuff is touching it .Ds1 has took dd to school before going to collage and is going to come straight home tonight so can pick her up for me

Just popping in. (For those who don't "know" me, I introduced myself within the first few pages of this thread, but I don't get to pop in very often).

Hope all of you had as good a Mother's Day as possible. Paul it WILL get better. Honest.

DS (13) cooked me breakfast yesterday - sausages and poached eggs; DD and I shared a girly hour in the bathroom with DD smearing moisturiser all over herself and laughing at my face pack :)

Hi Lemmon .

Now question is did she take pictures or did you

Update i now have some super strong painkillers and diazpan as seems i have slipped a disc and its compressing a nerve hence the pain .

Dr has said if no better will refer for a mri scan in few weeks .But did ask her how she would feel if I saw a osterpath and she was quite happy offered to refer on nhs but waiting list is about 12 weeks declined and said im happy to pay .So asked around and have reccomendation for Weds at local one .Has to be worth a shot as otherwise school holidays will be miserable

Afternoon All,

Paul How are you? And still it all sounds so familiar....They can say the most nasty vile things to us, but that is him trying to break you. I had it with Ex-H and I'm getting it now with Ex-P. I so know how you feel as it horrible, and it does make one question what we may have done. But the reality is we haven't done anything apart from try for years to make someone happy with little or nothing in return. And then we have the audacity to say enough is enough. Your children will realise sooner rather than later what the real score is, and you must focus on that. And to be honest I think that the children will be ok with him, however they will also start to voice their own opinions before long and he would be wise to listen. You MUST absolutely make a note of all of these things for when you see a lawyer. He may not be violent, but mental abuse can be as dangerous. You are off on your hols this week, make sure you have wonderful time. You have a new life to come back to and this is where you can start rebuilding yourself and your sanity. I'm off to London and Wilts on THursday and I CANNOT wait to get out of here. I live in a wonderful place but I am hating every minute of being here. I really can empathise with all that you say in so many ways, but I'm right behind you in sorting my crap out too! Hope you're feeling better today.

Dumps Hope you had a lovely time with your sister yesterday. Did you manage to have a nice lunch somewhere too?

Going Poor you. But at least you will now be floating in a drug haze and painfree-ish cloud! Hope the osteopath can work some magic for you. Crazy that NHS wait is 12 weeks. Just be careful with yourself.

Ten Hola. Trust you had a lovely time yesterday. Did you get spoilt too? Hope so.

Lemony Hello, sounds like a lovely day. Cooked breakfast hey?! Lucky you. Bella's not brilliant at cooking yet..... but I did get lots of cuddles and 'I lob you' through the day. We did our toe nails so she now thinks she's terribly important and growed up with painted toes!

I don't know whether to throw myself off something or just hand over my dd (4 1/2) to her dad and let him get on with it.

We had a contact order, I stuck to it religiously for a year and a half until she became too ill with a chronic health problem. Before the final order was made, I stuck to each and every order to the minute in the two years were were messed about by the court.

In Autumn, I reduced contact v slightly to allow her to rest more and recover, trying to avoid a broncoscopy and another stay in hospital. He agreed with this reduction but now I realise it was so he could gather enough evidence to take me back to court for a warning notice.

My daughter can in no way attend contact according to the old order and go to school, it is one or the other because of her poor health. I have chosen a v. slightly reduced order and school, because it seems to me that the balance will let her have the best of both worlds.

I have obviously been betrayed and stabbed in the back by my ex, who has once again used my willingness to co-operate and build bridges between us for our daughter's benefit against me but I expect that kind of behaviour from him. He has form and it really doesn't bother me or particularly surprise me anymore. I just thank god I haven't got a mind like his and I still can't see him coming.

What i do mind is being told by yet another idiot judge in the family court that there is no evidence of her health problems (there is, supplied and documented to the court and my ex) so she will have to go back to the court order.

Do I actually have to take her to court in a wooden box before someone will take me seriously? I pushed her health to the limit in keeping to the order before. This is how she ended up in an ambulance under a blue light and in hospital.

I am seriously bloody sick of the discrimination faced by mums in the family court - and it is mums - by judges both male and female who are convinced all single mums want dads out of their kids' lives. I want him in her life, I need him in her life for both our benefit. I have never missed court, never broken a contact order, never will. What the hell do I have to do to get the court to look after my daughter's welfare properly?

Don't answer that, I know there is no answer. Just do not ever try and tell me that the family court has any interest in the best interests of children because in the four and a half years my ex - bless him - has dragged out proceedings I have never ever once seen a shred of evidence that the children matter at all.

The law is there to serve itself, nothing more. No wonder Fathers 4 Justice set up and gained so much support. Now, when are we going to see parents come together to kick off about the way children are treated in court?

Another bloody pointless rant, stating what those of us who have been involved in family court already know and those of us who haven't will simply find unbelievable.

Hi all any one for a hope to be able to make it in next 5 mins or so. Iam sat in dim light in hall outside DC 3+ 4 bedroom door waiting for them to go to sleep. Am having real problems getting them to settle to sleep. Despite going to be at 7.30 they keep reappearing to ask things or get cuddles until 10pm even if I shout at them or threaten to sper glue them to bed!!
So tonight I'm on guard duty - each has been out of bed x1 to go to bathroom been very quiet an think more or less settled now (hope they not listening to my thoughts).

Mothers Day - well XH sent texty to ask about coming to see DC around 1pm but we were out so arranged to meet him in town later. He went to house then sent text asking where his trumpet was told him it was in shed but I had Key!! Later when I got home found he had been in shed an got trumpet by removing shed door hinges! He still has key to house an refuses to give it up until I have taken over property properly. Cos of this I am organising a lock for my bedroom door so there is part of the house he cannot access. I don't have keys to his place so why should he watz into my home uninvited and unannounced!

But he did get flowers for kids to give me for mothers day He has never done that before!! Can't quite take that one on board.

kids asleep an only 9.15 woo hoo
Tea up

yes please no here mind it might make painkillers more effective.

Mrsmcv any chance you can get pead to back you in writing ?

Boo hope you got out in the garden and enjoyed the sun

sadly painkillers as efective as smartied but not as nice tasting .Am sadly disapointed that not floating on drug pain freed cloud .heard that can see pink elephants if im lucky
Prepares letter of complaint to drug companys

DF118s ( Dihydrocodeine) always did the trick for me..... Had them for dreadful back pain and spent a week in a wonderful floaty hazy nirvana. Oh it was wonderful. And the back didn't hurt so bad either!!!!

Mrsmcv, def get stuff from GP and paed in writing, and what has a solicitor said - you have clearly bent over backwards to accommodate him, but also doing what is best for DD, so I think with more ammo behind you and a solicitor then surely your case should be heard sympathetically? Strikes me as ridiculous that he is behaving like this.

Joely flowers hey? Pang of conscience???? And why don't you just change the locks? And ask him to come and collect whatever he wants in one go instead of getting in dribs and drabs. And well done you for being landing monitor AND succeeding!!!!

Boo - dont think XH has a conscience so nothing to pang!!

Mrsmcv - sending you a MN Hug. Its so hard when no one believes what you say when you only trying to do best for DD. Even with proof no one believes you if XH really cared for DD surely he would want whats best and her health should come first. Thinkin of you

Just to say first night my XH had DC's for night they left at 5.45pm at 7.15pm he phoned saying DC 4 +5 were not well an why hadn't I told him!! DC 5 was sick 3 days earlier but better next few days so not told him. After the way he spoke to me I have decided day or night if any DC sick in any way shape or form I WILL PHONE HIM no matter what time to let him know so he can't accuse me of not telling him!! I'm now waiting for a DC to wake feeling ill just so I can phone him an get revenge!! NOT THAT I WANT DC'S TO BE ILL YOU UNDERSTAND.

Going hope pain killers kick in soon sounds real bad for you but good you have DC to help with younger ones. Take Care

hahahahahahaha Joely I so get that!

Hi all

Just text DP to say I'm ready for our usual pre-bedtime chat, he said will call me soon but is busy texting my DD1!!! I said it's way after lights out for her and he said she started it, so I guess that means she likes him :)

Had a weird mothers day, some lovely bits and an awful bit when my best pal came round while DDs were out at Wembley with exH. She told me her marriage was over, I was so shocked and appalled at the she has been putting up with from her H for years, I had no idea. Looks like she'll soon be joining the ranks of us 40+ LPs, but you know what, no matter how tough it is at first it will be better than living with the hole she's with now.

going hope you feel better soon.