40+ Lone parents

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I'm 49 and a lone parent (13yo and 20yo) am I in the minority on Mumsnet? It appears alot of the LP's here are a lot younger!

Morning all.

So, I was planning a lazy day off doing very little and playing with my new powerwasher later

THEN DD2 announced ON THE WAY INTO SCHOOL that she needs buns/bakes for today they're having a sale tomorrow.

Oh I am not happy.

Shop bought cakes, dusted with a little icing sugar...... could be the way to go???
And then you can get back to the delights of the powerwasher!!

Boo yes we go to Leogland and yup we get to wave our arms and skip lines .Got to be a bonus somewhere .

But not lot there for older two so am thinking will do something for them Rio bless is happy just to go on 4 or 5 small rides .againa nd again .Thorpe park will also let him use exits to .

Hi everyone- back again....

Just a quickie as I have a call coming in soon-

I am feeling a little brighter today- just been to see my gp and he was really kind- gave me a script for some diazepam- he knows i will only take one if i am absolutely desperate- just knowing they are in my cupboard is enough for me to manage.

Dd got really upset at school yesterday and school are going to arrange for someone to come into talk with her- a family support worker, Ds seems to be coping but is keeping all in, which worries me more- their dad gets the key for his new place this evening- they dont know yet and i am telling them when we get back from our hols that he has moved out- (during the next week i am going to tell them that he is busy working away.)

I now am faced with all of the practical stuff to deal with and my head feels full of cotton wool- so i would really welcome any advice on this- i am an intelligent woman but at present i feel like i have lost my brain!! He is puttin me under pressure to come up with how much i need from him and about access. I dont have a clue how much we need (he has always managed the finances) and i dont know what to suggest about access (because if i am really honest this is the aspect that i am dreading the most...)

Hope everyone is ok and i am sorry that my head is elsewhere at the moment- i look forward to coming on this thread feeling abit more upbeat about things. xxx

Cant say what is definte access atm my x has none his choice.I know court wise they tend to go with the standard every other weekend and a evening every week and 50 % of the holidays .

Hmm is your house rented ? and will you be needing to claim income support, child tax credits .Housing benfits and council tax .Becuase if so i would suggest you get your claims in now .

and rant away we have all been there and can remeber how tough it was .

Hi Shortarse and i admit i would be nipping to nearest shop for cakes .Baker i am not and 99p for 12 i would struggle to make them for that.

Hi dumpsville

Afraid can not answer that .I have accepted that I can not work as ds3 needs a f/t carer.and bloody secertary to keep track of his appoinment diary .But yes with 2 under 10 working is just not doable even though i would enjoy being able to stretch my brain .infact just finding it may be a good start

Hello all,

Paul First of all you need to sit down and do the basic easy to see expenses such as: mortgage/rent, gas, electricity, phone, water, council tax (remember you will get 25% off, but you need to apply for it from council), television licence, food shopping (and be realistic - it adds up), petrol, car tax, house/contents/motor insurance. Then you need to look at roughly what you spend on clothes, shoes, children's parties (both those that they have and those that they attend), outings (school as well as your own), hair cuts, and private medical insurance, treats, magazines/computer subscriptions that the children may have, school lunches, etc. Add the figures up and you need to give weekly or monthly figures. Do NOT do yourself short, but equally don't be daft IYSWIM. The sum will amaze you, but also when you count it all up and write it all down for him/lawyers etc to see, it will show that it is NOT an unreasonable figure. Access wise, it sucks that we have to be apart from our children through no choice of our own, but pop your practical hat on for now, as they will want to see their father. I would suggest that you loosely suggest every other weekend, with perhaps Wednesday after school for supper. If this doesn't fit in one week, then be prepared to be flexible - always be the good guy - it pays even if it sucks! Obviously if he close by then any events that they have for 'his' weekend can still be attended, but equally if something comes up that involves you and the children then he needs to realise that things may change - equally they may change for him. He must stick to times fro collecting and returning them, and he must also ensure that they do homework etc where required. It must be made clear that their time with him is NOT party time, it is just time in their 'other' home. I do know how daunting it is when they start to be away for weekends, however with time you will make that YOUR time and you will appreciate it. I will not and cannot say it is easy, because it simply isn't but it will become bearable. I suggest you try to open a current account for you asap, so you have it and you are ready for when you reach agreement re maintenance. Please try not to worry yourself silly about the children, naturally they will struggle with silly things and major things, but it's great that the school are aware and can help, and DS - well just tell him that you are there if he needs to vent. I'm sure he will probably chat to his friends, but a simple cuddle will let him know. That's a start, ask more questions if you need, I is here!

Going yeah - I get the older ones and Lego Land bit! Though I am a sad old bat still love it!

Dumps That's a tough one with work - seeing as you have early starts! Without out prying - are you able to do freelance work? I'm a bit out of touch with working in the UK, but when I did before when the older ones where at primary school I worked freelance between 10 and 3 then practically killed myself steaming across LOndon so I could drop and collect from school. I made it very clear that while I would work during holidays, it would be reduced hours or I would as much as I could remotely - I think if one can perform appropriately then thats all anyone wants in an employee - freelance or not.

Shorty sorry, I giggled a bit!!! They're so damn good at announcing these things at the 11th hour aren't they! little buggers

Joely hope you managed to get a half decent sleep last night. And that the dentist was not an unpleasant trip.....

Hi - can I join?
I promise to read through the thread,but stopped to post as I got excited reading Joely's first post.

I am 43 and single Mum to 5 dc -
dd,15
dd,13
ds,10
ds,9
and
hugely unexpected baby dd,almost 1yo.

I was single for a good while with 4 and just about getting the hang of it.Baby is adored by us all,but I am finding it hard to adjust.I have to go back to work full time in May and am dreading getting it all going again as I have enjoyed holding the fort at home and spending loads of time with LO.

Unfortunately,I remortgaged my house to take the year off,and have no where to move,financially.

LO's sperm donor father turned out to be an abusive,scary man.We have no contact. It has taken me - and the dc - the year to get over him and his behaviour.(I spent a lot of time on Relationships)

I would love to share and support.I am in denial about going back to work...but it approaches fast.

pirahamorgana, absolutely, come in and welcome. That is a brood and a half!! Sounds like you've been through the mill somewhat in the past couple of years. at the denial statement! Not in a bad way I hasten to add, just the way you worded it! Well, we're moving back to the UK in about 7 months and I know that it will be here before I know it...Looking forward to it with a mixture of dread and excitement though.

Off to endure an hour of Fireman Bloody Sam before her highness goes to bed, so shall be back later.

pirahamorgana great to meet you, you will note just how late my postings tend to be - still having trouble sleeping but it WILL get better :) just takes time (who am I trying to convince? You lot or myself!!) Yes some rather big shocks in my children arriving. Last one exh blames me for - By baby 5 he should have known it takes 2 to make a baby so surely that means we were jointly responsible for DC 5's arrival not so according to him ALL my fault. Shame you have to return to full time work make the most of the time you do get with children though - I guess it will be hard work so you just have to be organised. But May is years away!! if only

Dentist was fine, but we arrived just in time minus breakfast for any of us apart from DC 5 (20months) who had found his way into the cereal cupboard and had been eating dry sheddies ugh! Oh and a trail of bits from the bottom of the cereal box trailed all round his bedroom - delightful. Went for an hour at soft play though here the room for soft play is little bigger than a walkin wardrobe so cant have more than 6 children in at a time as it gets too warm. Luckily we got it to ourselves today
Cafe for lunch - sausage an chips x3 kids loved it an ate really well once real hot chips had cooled down enough to eat
Then tesco for cinema treats.
Cinema was OK DC 5 ate 3 half bags of pom bars and a small bag of chocolate buttons - necessary to keep him quiet through the film. He had no real interest and the last few minutes he was real fed up so i had to leave him to wander round the cinema looking at people else no one would have heard the lines for his shouting. DC4 (4yrs) was totally lost in the film an nearly forgot to eat his sweeties. DC3 (6yrs) was more interested in having something to eat at times in the film an wondering why her brother got yet more pom bars to eat!!
It was a good film and went well really HURRAHH for pom bars

Will try going to bed now as only 10 mins ago got last small child to bed. Big ones watching TV in kitchen but I'll leave them too it I think.

Nite nite

Morning all

Shortarse

Want to come play with your powerwash here have 2 patios that need doing please

Hi pirahamorgana

Joely which film did you see? .We love cinema here and i do admit buying stuff elsewhere to take in

Boo hoped you enjoyed fireman Sam

Very very quiet day here i done something to my back and moving or even sitting dwon hurts .not good when your a single parent think thats one of the hardest things about being single .

Hi all:)

Have been AWOL haven't I? Sorry 'bout that, very remiss of me:(

paul This is all very scary isn't it? But Boo has given you some good advice as far as the practicalities are concerned. I think that you probably have to go on autopilot with this stuff, it's the affairs of the heart that are the hardest. Remember that it's really really early days for you, so don't be too hard on yourself. You can do it, you really can, hang in there:)

Joely The situ with the "friend" really sucks doesn't it? That's one of the hardest to cope with, your kids and the happy little set up. However, they love their Mummy and nothing will change there. Children are not stupid, they can see through insincerity and they know who is doing all the hard work (although it takes a while for them to show it!) Keep posting and your chin up:)

going You haven't given me an answer yet..am saving myself for you
I was on Amazon the other day looking for a book, when I came across a book called Wheelchairs on the Go: Accessible fun in Florida, thought it might be worth a look for you? Anyways...where's me you're late!!!

Boo Shall we compare sugar consumption? Best not, I'm depressed enough as it is:(

short (love your NN) and Dumps Welcome to our oldwise group:) where we alwayssometimes drink and .

lilac You sound like you have a winner there, I'm so gonna treat myself to a

If I have missed anyone, forgive me, for I know not what I do (menopausal)

Have a good day all xx

Oops I did Pirah see! I knew it, I just knew it...

Morning all,

ten this week I have whipped you on sugar consumption! As soon as I walk into the newsagent there is a wall of Haribo pick and mix that is just there to tempt me. And tempt me it bloody does!

Shorty how's things, no word for a couple of days. Are the DDs ok? How is ex being? Talk to us.....

Paul how's you this morning? Just sending happy feelings to you really, along with my essay above...

Joely I second Ten's para above - the children will always see through the crap clever little buggers they be!

Going Poor you. Hope it passes soonest.

Dumps/Lilac/Pirah/anyone I've forgotten (sorry) Good morning and hello.

Good morning to everyone -great to meet you all.
I have just started the Dukan diet (am on the Dukan thread too),desperate to fit into at least some of my work clothes by May.Very light headed this morning....
I soooo don't want to go back full time,but just don't know how I could afford not to.
Anyone got a magic wand?!!!!

I wish Piraha and I would be using it for big bad things today.....!!!

Hi everyone- thanks for your advice and support-

Boo- your advice was fantastic- it was so what i need at them moment- literally spelling it out to me step by step, as i have completely lost my brain and ability to think about anything!! Thanks also for your happy feelings that you sent- i have welcommed then into my home with open arms. xxx

WillI- thanks- i am very hard on myself- i have always had very high expectations of myself and i know that i am struggling- despite it being more than understandable that i am feeling this way, i guess i am abit cross with myself that i am feeling so shit.

I have spoken to school today about the children and they can offer a support worker to come into talk with them and i have spoken to a lady who runs a group that dd goes to and she says she will speak with her if she is upset and doesnt want to talk to me.

I have been advised to take everything through a solicitor as ex keeps sending me emails and wanting me to make decisions- for one i do not feel equipped to make major decisions at the moment on my own and secondly i feel bullied by him- may have to go for mediation as it will be cheaper than a solicitor.

He is hopefully moving out while we are on holiday and he wants to take them away at Spring bank holiday- although i know he has a right to do that, part of me is concerned that the kids wont have had enough time to get used to the new arrangement before he then takes them away- if he had always been very hands on and had soent lots of time with them, that would be different, but he is not hands on, he has never really been that involved with them and they have only ever been away from me for a night at a time- and are very clingy of me at the moment (more than they usually are!!).

Hope everyone is ok- this is a wonderful forum and even though we have never met i feel as if you are becoming my new best friends!! Love to you all xxx

Hello Again,

Paul Definitely do things through a solicitor, you absolutely mustn't make decision or agree to things while you are still wobbly and unsure. Ring one up and ask about Legal Aid, I don't know how it all works now, but I received it and it gave me enormous piece of mind. Try and do this sooner rather than later. Take copies of all his correspondence and orders and also, try and get those figures down if only in rough, so when you do see either solicitor or mediation peeps you will be armed with info - if only for you to refer to.

I think if the children have only ever spent one night at a time away from you, then at this time he really ought not to have them for longer than that. They are going through their own shitty turmoil and he needs to respect that. Clearly, if he has never really been hands on, I suspect one night will be enough for him IYSWIM, particularly as it may be upsetting for them to be away from you at this time. They are what matter - not him and he needs to understand that from the very start. There will come a time probably when actually they will not want to go for a weekend (it happened with each and every one of my older ones) and piling stress on them for our own gain is just not on. Too many people get carried away with their arguments and forget that they are little people and NOT parcels.....I was one of those parcels as a child and I am not proud to say that my older children were for a while until my brother shook some sense into me! (quite impressive for a then 18 year old!!!)

I now your brain is a fug right now - only too well can I remember!! I am just so pleased that I can think back now and say it how it is for others who find themselves in this crappy moment in time. The best thing though, is that is DOES pass and things DO get better and, most importantly, you WILL be happy, properly happy

Thanks so much Boo- you are a lovely, lovely lady. I promise i will pm you sometime soon- have been meaning to but time is limited at the mo. Every word you say makes complete sense and i hope that in years to come i can support someone going through it like you are with me- cheers for being there- you are a star. xxx

I am off to get the kids from youth club in a minute and then back to watch Corrie on catch up tv...!

Hope you guys have a good evening and i look forward to catching up with you again soon.

Note the lateness of my post yet again? It's my fault I'm up this late an no one elses. Don't know I'll ever be ready to return to work mid April after having been off work since this being alone started in January. Especially with not sleeping!! Maybe I should just find a job that allows me to do night work :)

Film we saw was Tangled it really was good but so fairy tale when they marry at the end - we here no real life ain't that sweet .
I had wanted to see The Kings Speech but tickets were sold out. We only have films here once a month for a weekend so no chance of getting tickets for this on another .

Am having a then aiming to head for bed to try an sleep I've counted so many sheep over the last few nights an weeks I could name them all Bet you lot are all snoring soundly

nite nite catch you for a late brew tomorrow!!

Morning all, my turn to make the this morning I think.

Can't blame the DDs for my early start on a weekend, since I'm here all alone. Just plenty to do so since I'm awake I might as well get up and get on with it. First stop is the shower, where I have to wash the head lice lotion off my hair - DD2 was infested yet again so I did hers the night before. Am fed up with the blasted things, she has had them at least once a term since she started Reception and she's in Y6 now!

Fetching DD1 from school later and then I'm going to get some jobs done around the house. Tomorrow is mothers day and I should have had the girls all day but their dad invited them to Wembley to watch a match and they both wanted to go (of course he never said "Would you like to come even though it is on mothers day?" so they both said yes) so I'll be on my own from about 11am until I fetch DP from the airport at 3. He's gone up north to see his DD and is going to stay the night here when he gets back tomorrow.

Paul, it seems like things are improving for you, at least you know you'll have the house to yourself when you get back from your hols. That will be such a relief. I used to hate returning to the marital home after I'd been away, it was like going back to prison. Your DC will be ok, I worried no end about mine as we all do, but they have coped really well with the changes in their lives and are still the same polite, hard-working, well-balanced, emotionally stable individuals I brought them up to be. Their dad never had much to do with them either, and still ignores them a bit when he has them tbh, but they definitely get more quality time with him now than they did when they lived in the same house as him all the time.

Joely I habitually survive on 5-6 hours sleep a night but I think you've got one up on me. I hope things settle down and you feel able to cope with going back to work. Do you have a bedtime routine? They work for grown ups too, you know!

Hope the rest of you have a good day, I think the sum might be out but I haven't actually opened the curtains yet!

Morning I'll have a coffee please . I am mainlining painkillers and an so glad ds1 is old enough to go to chemist and get me some more .Drs Monday I think if no better .will be a very lazy day here .very possiably a takeaway tonight as well.

Mothers day . I normally take kids out just so I am not spending day doing the housework but I can barely walk from bedroom to Lounge and am so glad Dormer bungalow so only ds1&ds2 room is upstairs because think I would cry if had to crawl walk up them

Joely and I thought I was up late last night! I crashed at about 1 my time, but short stuff appeared at half 6 along with: peppa pig cushion, peppa pig blanket, 2 peppa pigs, 1 hello kitty and her sandals. All essential belongings that had to get into bed with me. But she did go back to sleep and we woke properly at 10, so quantity was there, just not quality! If I can't sleep, I always spend £5m on whatever I want, and usually spend about £3m before I'm gone! One day, I tell myself, one day...

Paul how are you today? Just remember, shoulders back, deep breath and you'll be off to Dorset shortly - something to really look forward to.

Lilacs Ahhhhh the dreaded nits! I was so lucky that DD1 didn't get them til Yr 3, obviously with DD2 swiftly following. I would have a production line going to get rid of the damn things. DD2 had a little friend who was permanently infested who arrived in Yr2 and that was that - the whole class shared them. I did french braid their hair though and certainly saw less of them, but it was a total nightmare.

What a shame you haven't got the girls tomorrow. Bad planning Dad. But DP coming for the night sounds lovely, and DD1 time too. I'm so looking forward to seeing my big ones next week. They finish at the boarding house today, a few days with their Dad and then with me before back to school. Then they have all those bloody days off for Easter/Wedding/May Day hols!

Good morning to everyone else as well. Going how's your back?

NEarly 11 and still not dressed so will away for now.

One word for my back ow and lol possiably afew other not so polite words to. Am trying to keep moving but really would rather just stay still.Feel bad though as won't be able to do anything with the dc at all this weekend .

There going to need entertwin themselves which they are good at but were normally so busy going to cinema,zoo,park or into London but am hoping is better by end of next week when they break up for 3 weeks!!! In for 2 days then of for a week .thought of being stuck in that long noooooooooooooo

Was wondering - when do I stop being an LP?

My eldest is at Uni so only home irreguarly, and my youngest will be doing his A levels soon and although he'll be still living at home with me, he already is pretty independent. Currently I still do his school run so am pretty involved with him on an everyday basis, but this will alter from September.

I'll always be their mum, but my parenting role is fast disappearing - tough when I've been an LP for over a decade.

Should I come off sites like these?
If, so where else can I go to chat randomly?
What does a largely redundent LP do with her time (beyond a demanding job) when the thought of having to be sociable is really scary as I've not got much of one now and have so little in common with 'normal' people in the real world; LP's round my way are very uncommon and there is a social stigma attached to someone who's been alone for such a long period of time.
I'm not a hobbies person and have absolutely no talents what so ever, and despite being middle-aged, am still struggling financially so money for a social life is a huge issue.

Teahouse There are plenty on MN who have grown up children, so if you're happy talking inane crap and supping and then just grab a seat and enjoy! (on this thread anyway .

Going that isn't good - but you know what they say...keep moving as much as possible and it should recover more quickly.