40+ Lone parents

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I'm 49 and a lone parent (13yo and 20yo) am I in the minority on Mumsnet? It appears alot of the LP's here are a lot younger!

Going you're as bad as me!!!!

Hi ladies- back again...

WillIEver- sorry i was crying!!- i was getting a bit soggy this week!! - I think that the stress has got the better of me this week and i have been feeling really wobbly- really exhausted with it all- hopefully next week will be a better one- going on holiday with the kids in 2 weeks so lots of planning and packing to sort- that will keep me focussed.

Goinground - yep- i dont see my parents very often as they live 200 miles away but having them here was really nice and the kids enjoyed it so much- i felt so sad when they left and felt really on my own-

Boosmummie- i havent told the kids yet- having talked to my parents this week to try to make my decision when to tell them i have decided to wait till after our little holiday- in a fortnight i am taking them to Dorset for 9 days- my daughter is a mad fan of Monkeyworld- an ape rescue centre- so we are going to visit there and stay in Swanage in a holiday apartment. I thought if i keep myself busy getting ready to go away and he moves out while we are away- then i will tell them when we get back.

I am dreading this weekend- he has been away all week as my parents have been here but he is back now and being a complete idiot- treating me with such contempt and everything i say to him gets twisted- i feel like i cannot breathe and i dont want to be here- any advice from you lovely ladies on how to cope with next few weeks would be great- he is vile to me and then promising the kids trips out to bowling and lunch, etc- i thought he was taking on his new place this weekend and then atleast he could go there in the evenings once the kids are in bed- but that has changed- he is not going for a couple of weeks- yuk- dont want to even look at him and breathe the same air as him- sorry- that sounds horrible, doesnt it? But- this is not a reasonable or rational man we are dealing with and it is messing with my head.
On a more positive note!!..... kids are really excited about our little holiday- lots of great activities planned for our time there- including a chocolate workshop- how fab is that? The local chocolate producer are putting on an Easter childrens chocolate making activity session- you get to make your own chocolates and fill an egg with them and take them home- yummy...!!!

It is the first time that i have taken them both away on my own- apart from to my parents- we are going by train- as i dont like driving long distances- i am really looking forward to it albeit abit nervous-

Hope you all have a great weekend xxx

Oh Paul he sounds like such an arsehole. But so familiar to how it was for me 14 years ago. You MUST NOT let him mess with you and your head. This hol sounds great for you and the kids - I love Monkey World, been many times when biggies were small. I can't remember off hand how old yours are - but if you can, try and get over to Paulton's Park in the New Forest. Great fun and if you've got a smaller one they're opening Peppa Pig World there next Saturday as well. And there's a terrific indoor flumey place just near Poole that's huge fun too. The egg making sounds really good fun and the kids have got so much to look forward to. Just focus on that. Get out the house when you can - if he comes in and the children are settled, go for a drive, see a friend or just wander aimlessly round the supermarket. I know that sounds odd, but you will go mad if he carries on like this and you don't need or deserve that. Please shout though, if you need to, before talking to the children. They are far more resilient than we give them credit for though, so please bear that in mind and do NOT let it eat you.

This is what this thread is for, so scream and shout as much as you need.

Thanks so much Boos- you are really kind- thanks for your support- it means alot- i will try over the weekend to keep out of his way as much as i can without it seeming too obvious to the children. Thanks also for your suggestions for our holiday- we are abit limited as public transport is not great from Swanage- but your ideas are great- lots of playing on the beach and at the local park and the amusements- they would be happy spending the whole week on the 2p machines!!
I will speak to you nearer the time re. telling the kids- but one thing i have decided is that i am planning to tell them on my own- i dont trust him enough to tell them with him- i am off to bed now as i am knackered- speak to you tomorrow- night, night. xxx

Night Paul don't worry - I promise you that everything seems a lot worse than it really is. You will feel FANTASTIC once he's out, and you must just aim for that. Sleep well.

Oh Boo poor you, hope the soreness is wearing off. trust kids to just laugh. You must have given them some polish - do you rent yoursaelf out for window cleaning? If so can you do mine when we next get any sun here!!

I too have been clumsy today, went out walking with a friend missed the curb and ended up sprawled across the road, Have 2 grazed knees and a swollen ankle. And that was before having !! now have dented pride

Going have a hug from us - its not easy but part of being a good parent is giving discipline and carrying out our threats else they dont know where boundaries are. Hard though it is you done well an shell know not to mess if she wants to keep her chocolate in future.

PaulW its soooo hard when family leave, but it will get better again plan some fun things to do an get things booked so you have things too look forward too

PaulW I see you already have the holiday planned so great. Keep your chin up while you go through this mess it will be easier to deal with once he moves out - but still hard. Hope you sleep well nite nite.

On Tuesday night went over not telling him (took a while to find house as down a track on a country lane so no street lights to help) so he surprised, i didnt phone as he would have told me he was out!!

Asked him what he had told his family as his sister now not speaking to me. He said only brief conversation with his mom and told her he did not want to live with me any more. (This makes no sense as she told me she could kind of understand why hes done what hes done and it must have been awful - only became awfull AFTER he told me he was moving out!!) Didnt challange him on this! kind of wish i had now - all i can think is hes lied to his mom to get her support as knows she would tell him he was wrong for walking out an not trying to work at things.

He says nothing i have done is wrong just he wants different things but wont tell me what as I might agree with him!! WHAT a stupid man, so hes walked out on me AND his family cos he doesnt want to try an find solutions.
I felt better knowing it was nothing i had done just him showing signs of total an utter madness. he been listening to work colleagues wi 2 mins of marriage experience who say get out if you not happy! They not told him to think of effect and destroyed relationship with older children. His workplace is rife with people splitting up at the moment - think its like a bug going round an hes caught it!!

Older DS x2 really feeling it on Wednesday DS2 came home from school early as feeling ill when his dad saw him he told him to stop using the fact he had left as an excuse for not going to school - as it had nothing to do with him so wasnt affecting him - I could scream AARRGGHH the shear ignorance of the man is beyond belief an no help in supporting DS2 through this. He now reluctant to see or speak to dad on his own. Think its a relationship destroyed. Just tell DS 2 I love him and there for him what he feels is allowed, real and it will affect him he has every right to grieve for the loss of the dad he once knew.

Todays been hard an Ive been rather soggy again when no one looking am trying to be more positive an brighter when DCs around

joely andpaulwellan

No wonder you have both had tearfull moments .Think i would and how both of ou have not cracked your x with something heavy i never know.

And joely not sure how old ds is but his dad speaking to him like that its just :( and course it has a lot to do with him and yes he will grieve for the man he thought his dad was your doing all the right things .

Boo

Hows your nose this morning ?and when you have finshed ?Joely windows could you come do mine have 2 sets of patio doors that need a lot bit of a clean

Paul
Enjoy the holiday the first time you take them away on your own is a shock but then you start to realise you can do it.Its one of the things i now enjoy about being singleparent is the fact that i dont need to accomidate my x wants or habits for strict routines etc .On holiday we eat when we want do what we want and far more fun.
In fact im taking my younger two , to Florida next year on my own .Big two not intrested in Disney .Am scared but it will be fun

Morning All,

What a ridiculously early hour to be awake. DD woke me at 6 as she needed a new bum and the selfish child went straight back to sleep and I couldn't. She may pay for this act later

Going I will never clean windows again in the summer. I don't now care if they can't bee seen through as it will mean that I will never walk into one again unless pissed because I'll see the smears. I am sporting a lovely bruise across the upper part of said nose, and I fear that tomorrow it will be worse. But I'm glad that it gave lots of people a giggle!!! Funny going my big ones would jump at the chance to go back to Disney!!!

Joely he is a first class tosser fool. If he is so shallow as to listen to what 2 minute marrieds have to say, then ultimately he will suffer. He has without doubt lost respect from the older boys and the younger ones will see soon enough why and only their father will suffer for it in the long run. The two small smalls really will know no difference in 6 months, and that will be a good thing as the joy you will get from their untarnished happiness will jolly you along no end.

Paul I hope you got some sleep and you are feeling happier this morning. JUst remember to shout if you need. We're all there and we all get the crap days too.

Ten I ate a WHOLE bag of pick and mix haribo yesterday!!!! Have they got those stands over there? It's almost exciting as the Jelly Bean Factory at Harrods. I am and was the kid in the proverbial sweet shop.

Will be back later, need to shake myself awake now...

me here .... 42, 2 sons aged 8 and 2.
Different dads but neither worked out ....they are pretty absent .... pay a visit once a fortnight. Also work full time.

I have to say its really tough ...but i do love them very deeply ... just get a bit worn down by the go go go and the constant headbutting with the 8 year old (bloody testosterone !!!!)

have some RL support ..... but feel like a leper socially at times when everyone is either able to dump kids on the hubby for a girls night out, or doing the nuclear family bit :)

Paul We will be in Dorset in a few weeks too, staying at Haven in Weymouth and also planning a trip to Monkey World. My parents also live over 200 miles away and I leaned on them a bit when I was in your situation but it's so much easier if they are close by.

Hi Susie, and welcome!

Hope everyone has had a good day- it has been quiet on here hasnt it?

Lilac- we are going to stay in Swanage for 9 nights- i have found a little holiday apartment overlooking the sea- cant wait.... We are travelling down on 9th April and planning to visit Monkeyworld a couple of times during our stay- my daughter has been really into it since watching Monkeylife on Channel 5 3 years ago- i try to take her down a couple of times a year- we love it there- you will have to let me know how you get on at Haven- it may be an option for us in the future.... you never know we may bump into each other at Monkeyworld? Nearer the time we will have to perhaps discuss the possibility of meeting for a coffee if we are there on the same day.

I have had a really crap day! Sorry to be so negative but I am really struggling- i feel very down and drained of energy. He is here and being horrible- he is ok with the children but treating me like a piece of dirt- i feel like walking out- the kids know that something is wrong as i cannot hide it at them moment. I know that feeling is coming over me- like a black cloud- i am not like it when he is not here- but when he is in this house it is like all of my energy is drained out of me.

I have not stopped today- but i have now come upstairs so that i can use the laptop in peace- i can hear the children laughing with their dad and as much as i am pleased that they are happy- i just feel so awful- he is being so difficult with me and told me to f off within earshot of the children today- it is dreadful- he is so angry with me- i have done nothing wrong apart from make the decision to end this shit marriage- and that was because his behaviour has been so unacceptable and intolerable over the years.

I am the one who does everything for the children- i am the one who has nurtured them and protected them over the years, i am the one who knows them inside out- i am the one who puts them before everythinng else in my life- but because i am struggling at the moment, it feels as if they are closer to their dad- why does this feel so uncomfortable for me? If only they knew how badly he has treated me and how much damage he has done over the years- i am ranting now- sorry- i am not feeling particularly rational and i do not want to feel this way- it is so stressful- i just feel like going to sleep and not waking up for a year- i have just started to cry.... i hadnt realised how bad i was feeling until i started typing this-

Please bear with me- i feel very lonely- all of my friends are with their families at the weekend and, as yet i have not made any single parent friends- so i feel very on my own- I wish some of you lovely ladies lived around the corner!

Hopefully i will feel abit brighter later- will be watching Saturday evening tv with the children and then a nice soak in a deep bubble bath.

Boos- thanks for your continuing support- you said for me to shout if i need- well i feel alot better now for getting all of that off my chest- sorry for the rant!!

Paul we'll be there from 11th April so will go on Tues, Weds or Thurs of that week depending on the weather! Would be happy to meet up, what you are describing is very familiar to me as I lived through it myself. PM me if you'd like some support away from here, I am happy to help. One of my best friends was in exactly the same situation as I was, and you now are, we met through Wikivorce and now we have both come out of the other side, are living in new homes with happy kids and the added bonus of new relationships. There is hope and a bright future for you too.

Enjoy some * tv and a nice soak and try your best to ignore the miserable bstard.

Oops! My asterisks were just to prevent actual swearing and it went all wrong!

Paul Do NOT apologise for said rant. I had a good old rant the other day on another thread and it's really rather cathartic! Everything you have described sounds so terribly familiar to me. I think, though, that it was probably easier for me as my DCs were smaller, but I can understand every word you have said and every action you have described. I too made the decision to end my marriage, and it was one that I took lightly. I was 26, had 3 very small children and it was terrifying prospect. I reasoned with myself though, over many months, that frankly I did NOT wish to spend the rest of my life being unhappy in a relationship just so the children had their mother and father together. I think that is more selfish than anything to be honest. Unhappy mother or father or both is not conducive in ANY way to a happy childhood. My 3 older children are happy, well adjusted and delightful teenagers/young adults which can be credited to both me and their father as once all the shit had passed we agreed that while we couldn't stand each other, we had these little people and they had to come first. It was such a different story at the start and looking back I still can remember how horrible each and every day was while we were still living in the same house. I honestly thought that was my life. But it wasn't and as clichéd as it sounds, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it sometimes!

I'm so pleased you have this lovely break coming up - it really will be a wonderful time for you and the children and they will understand who the real mummy is, and when they are older and wiser they will understand how things were for you also. As I said last week, they are so not as daft as we think and their clever little brains are actually able to compute far more than we give them credit for. Ultimately a happy mummy means happy children.

I understand also the loneliness. I can't wait to move back to London in October. I am beyond lonely here a lot of the time. Bella is awesome, but she's two. Talks bollocks and is not any good at decent conversation!!!! I can go days without talking to a human bar saying Hola, Gracias, Por Favor and Adios. I am like a child counting down the days to Christmas at the moment!!! But they're passing, and the weeks are going by. Over to the UK in 10 days and very excited, even though it's an endless round of crap chores. I'll be able to catch up friends, see my brothers, sister their wives/husband etc, which will all rev me up again and see me almost through to my next trip, where I can get jolly all over again!!!

What I am trying to say is we all really really understand everything you are saying, we all feel it at various times and in varying degrees, never think you are on your own because you're not. We may not be round the corner from you, but this is the next best thing. It's my lifeline at times .

Have a lovely evening with your babies, enjoy crap TV and wake up, shoulders back and believe in yourself and your future. We will be kicking you up the bum otherwise!!!!!!

BLoody hell. That's an essay!!

boo Have you heard the phrase "housework won't kill you, so why take the chance?" well you came off lightly this time, so no more cleaning/polishing ok? I wish your nose better!A WHOLE bag of pic n mix? But how many grams? I mean, we could just be talking about 2 gummy eggs and a fizzy cola bottle, I'm more in to heavy duty FAMILY packs

paul you poor poor thing, I really do feel for you. I had this situation for a long time, except he wasn't going anywhere anytime. When I was out I was fine then as soon as I got near the house this black cloud was hovering and it stayed until I or He went out. When he finally left I felt utterly liberated, and at peace. My heart really does go out to you. Where do you live? I'm in Essex, would always be happy to meet up, even speak on the phone if you like? We're all here to support you, remember that. Don't be lonely.

joely there is sometimes no words to describe the things that men come out with. An immature, pathetic fool is all I can relate to him as being. It's always the Mums that pick up the pieces. I could bloody strangle these men who mess with the DCs heads, they have no idea the damage they cause. Keep posting, ranting,shouting, we're all "listening".

suzie Hi and welcome:) yes it is bloody tough, but it's nice to know you're not alone and you can share the mundane up and downs of the day/week with us here:)

going how are you today? Did you get the chocolate or did the batteries die:(

Is it o'clock yet?

170g and every gobful was sweeeeeeeeet as can be!

Ooops, meant to say hello to you Susie, but went off on one...

No for me. It's 9.10 here, I've put my clocks forward and I'm going to bed intent on beating them and their stupid changes

Ooh yea, forgot about the clocks...

Morning ladies .Eyes up the sweet wrappers an d wine glasses .Paracetmol and all round .

Hopeall remmbered there clocks .Ds woke me up at 7am and of course still felt like 6am .

lillac
we to have been to haven a lot but never the weymouth ones.MAybe next year when im driving

paul
Rant away whenever you need to and think thats the hardest bitwhen you do such a good job of hiding things from the kids in amarriage that when it goes wrong you feel like its all your fault .And have a good break just you and the kids and enjoy monkeyworld .Im hoping take ds3 down there some point
as for loneliness. i know what you mean to well and im lucky in the fact that i have older ones to .Think i have lost the knack on how to meet people and they do tend to eb more reluctant as im a single parent and because ds is disabled but oh well

Hi suzzie

hello Ten

no chocolate but dd was in much better mood when she woke up turned round and sid hmm well i wont do that again will I then we laughed about the easter bunnys coming early.

Went out yesterday for few hours as we needed tog get out and do a few bits .
Mine are grumbling as we cant go to the Zoo as the stations lifts are out till end of this month .Be so much easier when i have passed my test.But all i seem to be doing is paying money out .
Dd and myself need passports doing as dd is going on holiday with my best friend her partner and their son .They are going to Spain they asked if they could take her for company for their son.

They are the only people i would trust but ekk she be in Spain for 8 days without me .She be fine lol me probably not so much.Bu nee dmy passport done for just in case

Ug need to wake dd as were meant be of to the kids show at the cinema today £1 a ticket but am tempted to declare today a pj day

I'm new to MN and was looking for good discussions to join.

I'm 43 and have a 12 year old about to go to high school and a 6 year old in year 1.

Morning Ladies,

yup, needed please!

Going where abouts in Spain will DD be? Near me? If they're down here they will have SO much fun. All the waterparks are opening next weekend - PM if they're here as I have loads of freebie vouchers for them.

I say have a PJ day. Cinema can wait.....

Star Hello, and welcome. 12 year old off to high school hey!! I've got three in Secondary and a 2 year old. Bet older DC is excited. Watch for the attitude......There's a secret switch in them somewhere that flicks 2 weeks into Year 7!!!

Paul how are you today? Did you have a lovely evening with the children watching mindless drivel Saturday night TV?

Girlies:)

Just checking in before bed...

Hope you all had a good day, am truly knackered, will post proper tomorrow:)

Hi Ladies- thank you all so much for you kind words of support and encouragement- today has been tricky- he is getting more and more horrible- it is quite scary- he is making nasty jibes and comments all the time- shutting the door so the kids cant hear but knowing full well that i cant say anything back because i dont want to upset the children more than they are already. He is challenging me about cash that i am taking out of our account- we still have a joint account and i still need to feed and clothe the kids- he stood right by me earlier while the children were playing in the garden (but they could see me through the window but he was out of their vision) and told me that he was shutting the account down very soon so that i couldnt get my hands on his cash.

He is such a horrible bully and i am scared of how i am feeling- i dont know from one day to the next how he is going to be and what he is going to do- i am on tenterhooks the whole time and am still trying to put on a brave face for the children. I dont know how much longer i can cope like this- i think i am going to see my gp tomorrow so he can log how bad i am feeling- atleast i know i can count on his support and i dont want medication but i am struggling so maybe a couple of diazepam may be needed just in case of an emergency- i feel as if i am cracking up and i cannot afford to do that with two children needing me for everything.

He is waltzing around as if he is the victim and as if he has done nothing wrong- he said to me today that no solicitor would take me seriously and they would laugh at how i describe him- what a twat.

Must go- he has come downstairs. night ladies

I'm going to bed, but just quickly Paul if it's a joint account, he surely needs your sig to do that..... He is an ARSEHOLE of the first degree. Sounds so like my ex husband. Def go to the doc, don't get diaz, but do get some anti-depressent if he feels that you will benefit. I took Lofepramine (sp?) for 4 months and they TRANSFORMED me for that time when I really needed it. I'll post longer in the morning, PM me if you need. xx

Hi again- i have come upstairs now and am in bed just about to try to get some sleep-

Boos- that is what i was thinking about the account- i have been a sahm mum since i had my dd so i do not have a penny to my name- i have been very reasonable so far, despite friends advising me to slowly empty the account and hide it away for when i might need it!!! i have not done this- i have merely spent what i need to on childrens clothes, food, etc- he is threatening me and it feels very scary because he is so unpredictable- one minute he is being a complet arse and the next he is trying to chat to me about trivia whilst me and the children are eating our dinner.
Regarding the gp and medication- i cannot take antidepressants- i took them when i had pnd and they made me so ill and i struggled with withdrawl effects when i came off them. I have take diazepam in the past when my anxiety was very bad (only the lowest dose you can have- and only ever one or two during a bad patch.) The gp trusted me not to take them any more than was absolutely essential and i havent taken one in over 2 years- but my nerves are pretty bad at the moment and i am scared that they are going to get worse- i will chate to my gp- he knows me and he knows the situation- i can decide from there.
Thanks for the offer for me to pm you- will do so tomorrow if i get a minute.

Night all. xxx