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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

views on separated father & children relationships

80 replies

frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:20

Hi, I am writing for your opinons as I feel that I am missing something, I will explain.

I split up from my daughters mum over 3 years ago, amicably I might add. we sorted out a plan which set out when I would see my daughter & have her to stay with me, this originated around her work schedule.

this worked until I met my now wife. my ex decided to start playing games with me & trying to reduce the amount of time i spend with my daughter, the same thing happens every 6 months or so, we get in a routine & then she tries to reduce the time again.

we have the agreement set down through our solicitors, not through court yet, but it is heading that way.

I am asking for your opinion just so that i am clear in my mind that i am not asking for too much.

I want my daughter to stay 1 night mid week (wednesday or thursday) every friday night and alternate saturday & sunday nights, I have said that I will collect from nursery & drop her back off there whenever I need to the following morning. Is this too much??

I love my daughter dearly & want to form a strong bond with her, as all good fathers do, I just cannot see why a mother would want to keep a father away from their child.

your comments, thoughts, advice etc would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
gobbledegoop · 16/02/2011 12:25

Good for you. I don't think what you are asking is too much. The court may order mediation which is very helpful in agreeing and outlining a contact order. Don't be afraid of the courts, they are there to help you.

Memoo · 16/02/2011 12:27

How old is your daughter?

It certainly doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable at all. You sounded like a fab dad.

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:29

I have offered everything I can, mediation, solicitors, written to her to try to agree on a set routine which is fair for all of us, none of which has been taken up. I am at my witts end as I can see that until I am phased out of my daughters life my ex will not be happy or stop playing these games. I believe that this is based on trying to sqeeze more money from me through the CSA.

I appreciate what you said, it helps to know that I am not going mad

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 12:31

The only thing I (as the RP of 3 DS's) would have an issue with is the weekly friday night. It would mean I could never take my DS's away for a full weekend or easily make plans to take them out for a full day on the Saturday (as I'd have to allow for their dad to get them up, and dressed, and dropped off to me before we could head off any where).

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 12:32

In my dreams (haha - I'm lucky if there dad wants to see them once a fornight...)

I would love alternate firday and saturday nights, a midweek and then maybe a Sunday as the other regular, or 2 midweek instead one.

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:33

my daughter is 4, I have been in her life since birth & have done everything I can for her, I know that she loves coming to see me, my wife & step daughter, I have made my house bigger so that she can have her own place to call home, which she loves. we have a baby on the way & my daughter is so excited, she cuddles the bump every time she sees my wife, I can see my ex trying to stop her bonding with her new brother or sister out of spite.

again thanks for commenting, it is becoming clear that I am doing all the right thigs, just wish things could be different, for my daughters sake more than anything

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 16/02/2011 12:34

It doesnt sound like you are being unreasonable.

Going to court, sadly, is probably the best bet.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 12:35

or even alternate friday Blush

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:36

baroquearoundtheclock, the friday night is every week because my ex works late friday night & all day saturday so thought it easier that she stays with me then.

I havent explained that all the times are flexible & can be changed with a weeks notice or so, which I have and remain to honour, ultimately this is all for my daughter to lead as much a normal life as possible, I would never stop her doing anything that may be planned

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 12:38

ahh right - yes that makes a difference then if she's working late Friday night and all day Saturday - was thinking of it from an either non-working on Mon-Fri working resident parents view.

All sounds perfectly reasonable to me then.

VinegarTits · 16/02/2011 12:40

i think sadly you are going to have to take her to court

Keep documented evidence that you have tried to be reasonable with her (emails etc) sounds to me like she is trying to punish you for getting on with your life

Niceguy2 · 16/02/2011 12:45

I think what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable.

What are the reasons your ex is saying as to why you should have less time?

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:45

yeah, thats the conclusion I have come to, wanted to avoid really because, from experiences of male friends of mine, the current court system is a bit of a joke, however, the worst that can happen is that I lose a few nights, the benefit would be that a court has decided & she could never change them arrangements & play these stupid games any longer

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 12:46

From what you have said the contact sounds reasonable, but you haven't actually said what it is that she now wants to change and why? You say that you believe that she is trying to get more money throught the CSA, why is that, have you reduced it or changed jobs or had a pay increase?

It all sounds very plausable when you hear one side, I know my ex could give a super story about hard done by he is. Perhaps it would be helpful to understand what it is your ex now wants to be changed and why.

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:48

the reason for losing a mid week night is because she has school the next day, however I work about 5 minutes from her school & have not had a problem taking or picking up over the last 12 months since she started, & losing 1 or 2 nights at weekend because she has to work saturday? againthis has been the case since birth, even when we lived together I had my daughter nearly all weekend, I think personally that if she can get me to reduce the nights staying out then the CSA money will go up, that is literally the only reason I can see

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 16/02/2011 12:51

Yes, what reasons does your XW give for wanting to change things? You say your split was amicable' was XW amicable at the start or is it the fact of your marriage to a new partner that she objects to? SHe may well be being unreasonable, but as EL said, no offence but we don't know her side of the story and knowing it might be helpful in suggesting ways to reach an agreement with her.
Your new wife isn,t for instance, the woman you left your XW for, is she?

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:52

sorry to clarify,

she wants to stop the mid week overnight stay & also the saturday & sunday night overnight stay. the reasons she has given me about these reductions are that she has school the next day mid week & on monday (after the sunday night) as my last post I work literally around the corner from her school, she has been going there for just over 12 months now, so am struggling to see where she is coming from?

the CSA payment has been reduced by £2 per week due to me being married & having a step daughter. if I agreed to these changes she is asking for the payment would increase by £6-£8 per week

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/02/2011 12:53

I can't say how much is to much - that is for your daughter and you to decide and what is best for your daughter.

A stable routine with contact with your daughter, her nursery or school and some outside activities, part of your daughters normal day to day life woudl be great.

I have friends that have shared care, half alternate week care whereby the NRP (none resident parent) has the dc from Sunday morning around 11am until they take the dc to school on Wednesday and then the RP picks up from the school on Wednesday eve and has the dc right the way through until the following thursday when they take them to school again on Thursday morning and the NRP pick up on Thursday after school.

i have other friends whereby they try to get the NRP to have the child on Wednesday after school and then alternative weekends.

I will say that the NRP who have more "normal" time with their dc are far happier and so are the Rp as they both get good bits and bad bits and they both have lives to lead away form the children and both have good contact with school parents eve and choices made with the children.

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 12:53

Is your daughter in reception year then?

I don't understand what you mean 'losing 1 or 2 nights at weekend because she has to work saturday?' Your ex wants to reduce your contact with DD because she is at work? Confused

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 13:01

She wants to stop the whole weekend because of Sunday night? What about doing Friday and Saturday alternate weekends?

VinegarTits · 16/02/2011 13:05

what has her being in shcool the next day got to do with it? you are quite capable of taking her to school, she wont get away with that excuse in court

so basically she wants you to agree to have your dd only one night a week (friday?) yes her csa will go up if this happens, can you compromise at 2 nights a week?

pleasechange · 16/02/2011 13:07

It's interesting that one this thread, where the OP is male, that more than one poster has commented that we haven't got the other side of the story i.e. the woman's perspective. I don't see that line being rolled out in other threads on here, funnily enough, whereas actually we never get to see the other side of the story

OP what you are suggesting sounds very reasonable, and it really does come across that you want a strong bond with DD and at the same time to allow flexibility to that your daughter isn't constrained. It would seem to me that your conclusion that your ex wanting to reduce overnight stays is very likely linked to csa payments.

I think you will probably need to go to court, but I'm pretty sure you'll end up with much better contact than what she is offering. As others have suggested, make sure you retain evidence of your various attempts etc etc to show you have been trying to negotiate and are being reasonable

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 13:10

allnew - you summed up what I was just thinking.

And I speak as the RP with an exH who is a much use as a chocolate teapot when it comes to having contact with his children and being a father

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 13:14

she is in pre school class or nursery.

to make it simple to understand, basically my ex is trying to take away the saturday and sunday night, so the only overnight stay my daughter will have every week is the friday night. I dont understand why she thinks this would be beneficial, which is why I believe that it is down to money or to punish me for moving on.

& to further clarify I met my current wife after we split up, we split because our relationship was not working & hadnt been for around 2 years and wasnt healthy for our daughter to be around

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 13:19

But if OP is asking for opinions on whether he is being reasonable, surely you need to have some understanding of why his ex wants to make the changes.
I know I have asked advice on here and been asked if I know why my ex might be doing/saying something.

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