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Lone parents

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Original poster

views on separated father & children relationships

80 replies

frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 12:20

Hi, I am writing for your opinons as I feel that I am missing something, I will explain.

I split up from my daughters mum over 3 years ago, amicably I might add. we sorted out a plan which set out when I would see my daughter & have her to stay with me, this originated around her work schedule.

this worked until I met my now wife. my ex decided to start playing games with me & trying to reduce the amount of time i spend with my daughter, the same thing happens every 6 months or so, we get in a routine & then she tries to reduce the time again.

we have the agreement set down through our solicitors, not through court yet, but it is heading that way.

I am asking for your opinion just so that i am clear in my mind that i am not asking for too much.

I want my daughter to stay 1 night mid week (wednesday or thursday) every friday night and alternate saturday & sunday nights, I have said that I will collect from nursery & drop her back off there whenever I need to the following morning. Is this too much??

I love my daughter dearly & want to form a strong bond with her, as all good fathers do, I just cannot see why a mother would want to keep a father away from their child.

your comments, thoughts, advice etc would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 13:59

So does your daughter spend the day with her mum when she doesn't work on a Monday or is she at pre-school?

pleasechange · 16/02/2011 14:00

It sounds like OP has made reasonable attempts to assess what the ex's 'reasons' are but has received no sensible responses other than for example "DD will be too tired" etc. DH has been up against this for years. E.g "Can DSs please come out for a birthday meal with me" - answer "no, I am having my brother's friend's neighbour's MIL round"

Sometimes there's only so much reasoning you can do. Good luck OP

VinegarTits · 16/02/2011 14:02

i agree with niceguy, hope you manage to come to a compromise op, you sound like a caring dad

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:03

when we split up I offered to pay her directly alot more money than the CSA now take, she accepted that for a while then started to mess around with arrangements, I pay out over and above CSA for school clothes, trips etc etc already, I dont even ask that she provide her with anything when she stays with me, she has 2 lots of everything, my main issue is with the visiting, I just dont see how reducing time with me can make her, mine or our daughters situation any better, surely it would help her out at the moment seeing as she is now running a business

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 16/02/2011 14:05

same here elasta - it's a horrible isn't it. Still it's nice in a way to see threads like this as it helps remind me that not all men are wankers and some of them still love their children even if they no longer love their exP/W/H

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:06

Does she spend all day with her Mum on a Monday at the moment or is she at pre-school?

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:07

pre school monday, no change to schooling

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:09

Is she at pre-school all day everyday at the moment then?

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:17

yes, she is in every day monday to friday 8.45 - 3.15

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:19

If you used to pay her more money than you do now, has your income gone down? Are you saying that you decided to give her less money when she wanted to change the arrangements?

pleasechange · 16/02/2011 14:22

evolucy, OP has already said that CSA has reduced by £2 per week due to him being married & having a step daughter. Why are you so determined to find alterior motives behind what he is saying?

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:23

yes my income has gone down & no I didnt decide to give her less money, she went to the CSA for some reason, I think she thought she could get more through them, i used to pay her direct through a standing order, it was her that decided otherwise, this is exactly my point, i can5t see any good reason for her decisions, thats why i wrote to try and better understand from her point of view, or other mothers points of view

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:32

allnew, if the OP wants opinions, surely the best thing to do is try and understand why his ex is saying what she is, as I have said many times. I don't believe that it is helpful to just say oh yes you are right go and spend a fortune going to court, to get every other weekend and a night in the week. Why not try to understand what is going on in her head. I realise that that is what the OP is trying to do, that presumably is why he is here, oh yes just seen that he has said exactly that in his last post.

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:39

Presumably if she doesn't want to change the Friday night and Saturday day, it means that she will see her daughter for Saturday night and Sunday day each weekend, now at school all week. So the weekend is split in half between you, that is similar to the every other weekend arrangement, although some may argue better more frequent, but limits weekends away I suppose. If you have some of those Sundays when will Mum and Daughter spend time together?
What arrangements do you have for holidays?
Then there is the weeknight contact, why does your ex believe that your daughter is better not to be at your house on a school night? You said because she is tired, but have you asked why it should be different at yours to hers?

pleasechange · 16/02/2011 14:41

well carry on if you like, but it seems that rather than try to offer opinions you are like a dog with a bone trying to prove that the OP is at fault.

As you were........

My opinion, as a mother, is that, based on the OP' postings, that his ex is either trying to be spiteful in blocking contact, or trying to get more money. Personally I can't see any inkling, even after your in-depth questionning, of any evidence that her intentions are for the child's best interests

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:47

I have suggested the following

1 mid week night (weds or thurs) to suit late opening hours
every friday night & every saturday day (to suit work)
every other saturday & sunday night (therefore she gets the same saturday night & sunday day&night every other week)

her reasons given to me for taking away my nights are that daughter has school the day after & she is tired when home from school???

I have asked her why she thinks that it would be better for daughter to be at her house rather than mine & her answer is "it just would be"

hope you can see my predicament

OP posts:
Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 14:50

with regards to holidays I am allowed 1 week per year for a holiday, I am o.k with that as i wouldnt want to be away from my daughter for over a week so take her point.

christmas is another matter, I can have daughter for 2 hours on christmas day, she has said that under no circumstance will my daughter ever spend xmas eve with me nor will she ever have xmas dinner with me & my family, I can have boxing day from dinner time & can have every new years eve??

OP posts:
pleasechange · 16/02/2011 14:54

frustreddad - it sounds like you're banging your head against a brick wall. DH has encountered similar problems with mid-week stays. His ex's reasoning is that the children have homework/are tired etc. but none of this takes into account that their father is (or should be) an equal parent and is equally capable of dealing with homework/tiredness! Nor does it take into account the children wanting to see much more of their father and not understanding why their mother won't allow this.

I see your predicament. Have you suggested mediation to her? (sorry if you have already said so previously)

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 14:59

Just looking at the weekend arrangement first, doesn't your suggestion mean that she would only spend Saturday night and Sunday day with her daughter every other week? In terms of the weekend I would call it Friday and Saturday nights (the days when there is no school the next day, not because I think children should not be at NRP on school nights, but just because it allows you stay up a bit later) So every other weekend you spend both nights and both days with your daughter, and the other week 1 of the days and 1 of the nights, when your ex only gets 1 day and 1 night every other weekend, I am not sure that seems fair. It is less for her than a court would suggest as a starting point.

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 15:11

allnew, I have suggested absolutly everything thats on offer, even offered to pay for it if necessary

evolucy, I have said previously that if she could agree to midweek & 1 full weekend per month for me then she could have the other 3 per month, i would willingly take her home on the sunday mornings etc as I do now or she could pick her up, I am totally flexible in that, I dont see how her work commitments should impact on my time though, as said previously this arrangement has been in place & working fine for around 3 years or so, usually when this happens it last for about a week then normality resumes, however this time she has stopped mid week contact in full & also the sunday & saturday night which is why I have seen my daughter once in 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 15:13

evolucy, you appear to be missing the fact that she works all day saturday, which is why I have her, if she didnt work saturday then the weekend could be split a little easier, however thats not the case & if daughter wasnt with me, she would be with A N Other until she finished work

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 15:33

I am not missing the fact that she works on saturday presumably she does that to provide for your daughter, and the nature of her business is such that saturday must be a very busy day. Basically the weekends are best split between you both equally and if that means to accommodate her job, you have half each each week, I think that is fair. Yes if she didn't work on saturday it could be easier to split, but you can't complain that she works to provide

Niceguy2 · 16/02/2011 15:45

At the end of the day Frustrateddad, I think you've reached the point where you feel you can compromise no more.

It sounds like you've done everything right and I suspect her motives are a mixture of wanting to stop you being happy and maximising her income.

Like I said earlier, I think you need to find out for definite what drives her. It helps knowing what you are fighting rather than guessing.

Other than that, I do think a court order is actually not a bad idea, so long as you think she'd stick to it. I think its grossly unfair that you have xmas contact dictated to you and also her insistence that you are only allowed 1 week on holiday with your daughter.

Original poster
frustrateddad · 16/02/2011 15:47

not complaining, far from it, which is why I have offered alternatives, as posted previously. this has gone away from what I originally posted for, the general consensus is that I am not being unreasonable & that with a bit of give & take then it could be worked out. If the consensus was such that I was asking for too much & that the general opinon from mothers was that 1 night at weekend & a few hours here & there was acceptable then I would in fact come to some other comprimise with my ex, as that is not the case I am now safe in the knowledge that I should fight to maintain mine & my daughters time together.

I would like to thank all of you for posting, you comments & opinions have been extremely valuable & have given me hope in the system, hopefully not long from now I can write back with a solution that has been resolved. I wish you all the best with your situations

OP posts:
GwynAndBearIt · 16/02/2011 15:59

I have to say I do question her motives, especially about the 'never have her for a stay over Xmas eve or Xmas lunch' part, it does sound deliberately spiteful.

My DH had his children plus his exWife's two older children every weekend before I met him. Once I was introduced to the children she stopped his step children coming, then reduced the contact with his children to every other weekend - she made no mystery of her reasons, it was all very sad.

It does sound as though court involvement will be inevitable here. As others have said you are being more than reasonable.

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