views on separated father & children relationships

[frustrateddad]

Hi, I am writing for your opinons as I feel that I am missing something, I will explain.

I split up from my daughters mum over 3 years ago, amicably I might add. we sorted out a plan which set out when I would see my daughter & have her to stay with me, this originated around her work schedule.

this worked until I met my now wife. my ex decided to start playing games with me & trying to reduce the amount of time i spend with my daughter, the same thing happens every 6 months or so, we get in a routine & then she tries to reduce the time again.

we have the agreement set down through our solicitors, not through court yet, but it is heading that way.

I am asking for your opinion just so that i am clear in my mind that i am not asking for too much.

I want my daughter to stay 1 night mid week (wednesday or thursday) every friday night and alternate saturday & sunday nights, I have said that I will collect from nursery & drop her back off there whenever I need to the following morning. Is this too much??

I love my daughter dearly & want to form a strong bond with her, as all good fathers do, I just cannot see why a mother would want to keep a father away from their child.

your comments, thoughts, advice etc would be greatly appreciated.

Although lots of people on here won't like to admit it OP, it's not too uncommon for pwc's to deliberately withhold contact to 'punish' the nrp in some way, commonly upon him entering a new relationship, or something to do with money. It seems very unlikely that this sudden wish to withdraw the Sat & Sun eves is anything to do with the pwc's view of the child's best interests unfortunately

yes but you don't usually see us female LP's being asked "well is your new DP/DH the reason your marriage broke up". (paraphrased)

yes evolucy, but among the comments I'm referring to, are some not worded in such a way as to better understand the picture - e.g. "It all sounds very plausable when you hear one side"

I would stay away from courts or even talkign about going to ourt. for the reason that the court will not want to be envolved and you get to see your dc so get on with it type attitude - rightly or wrongly that is the way they often see things.

i woudl try hard to find out what and why your ex is wanting to reduce the hours/shared care and see if you can help each other to have shared care that works for everyone and the chidl benifits.

please dont believe that I am trying to only give my side & trying to overlook this from the ex perspective, I am more than willing to agree on change as long as the quality & length of contact remains the same, I do not believe a few rushed hours through the week & a single night per week can be classed as a healthy relationship between any child & any parent.

the reason I cam on here as a father is that I wanted to see from a mothers perspective if what I was asking for is as un reasonable as my ex suggests.

again all i want is what is best for my daughter, nothing more & nothing less, this same situation has been ongoing for over 3 years now and wanted to be clear in my own mind before I took this further with courts etc

Have you asked her why she thinks that your daughter should not stay on a school night, which seems to be what you are saying. Does your ex work full time? When does she work? When will your daughter join Reception? Does she go to pre-school full time now? Is your ex trying to make changes rightly or wrongly for when your daughter starts school? I could be completely wrong just writing my thoughts!
Instead of alternate Saturday and Sunday nights, would you be happy with alternate Friday and Saturday nights, returning your daughter on Sunday night?

TBH I think that Fri/Sat alternate weekends is too little. It's the bog standard "well I do see my children regularly" arrangement.

allnew...my whole post said this

'From what you have said the contact sounds reasonable, but you haven't actually said what it is that she now wants to change and why? You say that you believe that she is trying to get more money throught the CSA, why is that, have you reduced it or changed jobs or had a pay increase?

It all sounds very plausable when you hear one side, I know my ex could give a super story about hard done by he is. Perhaps it would be helpful to understand what it is your ex now wants to be changed and why.'

I asked OP about why his ex wanted to make changes in the next sentence after saying what you have quoted

i think you need to arrange to see a mediator with your ex
www.resolution.org.uk/find_a_mediator/

Well, look, I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable.

Mind you, it would be interesting to hear from your ex's perspective. You say she is doing things out of spite, but there are always 2 sides to a story, one person cannot always be the baddie, she clearly has her own ideas about how things are.

When a couple who have a child split, sacrifices are always going to be made.

My Ex took me to court who ordered that i attend mediation. I did. He asked for way too much contact in the hope that he would be seen as being resonable when he backed down a bit and therefor get the contact he wanted. We came to an agreement, it worked for both of us.
Now, (many years later) we are what could be considered as 'friends' and contact loosely resembles the agreement but is mainly worked around my shift patterns which we are both completely happy with.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

It may be Baroque, I was meaning as an alternative to the Saturday and Sunday nights current arrangement, not necessarily just that. And as a starting point for some agreement between them.

As ivykaty says, and having been before a Judge in a Family Court 2 weeks ago, we were told to go away and come to an agreement between ourselves, and if we needed the court order changing it could be, but the Judge said that if we couldn't agree it may be changed to something that neither of us liked. The situation is very different to OPs here though.

" You say she is doing things out of spite, but there are always 2 sides to a story, one person cannot always be the baddie, she clearly has her own ideas about how things are."

The same could be said about the mothers who post on here saying very similar.

Yes evolucy but to the reader (not just me - also baroque) it did very much read as if you suspected there was some suggestiong that it was the OP's doing, or that he was witholding info - e.g. pay increase, 'super story'. It didn't sound like a request for additional information to help you better understand, it had undertones of not believing his story, for example

also from another poster "Your new wife isn,t for instance, the woman you left your XW for, is she" - again, a statement a womon posting on here wouldn't be asked

and now from mummalish "there are always 2 sides to a story, one person cannot always be the baddie"

I never see anyone saying that to a female poster on here

Mind - my exH put on the divorce petition (wonder what he's doing with that as I've heard nothing since last June that he would be having the DS's once a fortnight at the weekends.........and nothing through the holidays

So to me anything sounds pretty damn good - especially if (as in the OP's case) they're actually wanting to see their children

Your dd is at school now and it is reasonbale to look at altering the contact arrangements when things change significantly like this.

However it is not reasonable for your ex to change them without discussion and agreement with you first.

If you went to court you would probably get every other weekend and half the holidays (this seems to be handed out pretty much to everyone regardless of the individual situations).

However even with a court order is no guarantee that your ex will follow it. And if she breaks it not a lot will happen to her in reality.

If your ex is unwilling to negotiate with you, or attend mediation to resolve matters, then your only option is court. It is not an easy or a cheap option and it is certainly not a fast option!

evolucy7

she says she should not stay during the week because she is tired after school? can you tell me a 4 year old that doesnt get tired after a full day at school?

she works tuesday to saturday in her own hairdressers, late nights wednesday to friday (around half 7 although she has phoned at 8.30 at night to speak to our daughter, who is in bed at my house at 7.30)

she starts in september, although whether at mine or hers does not change bed times etc.. it is now normal for her to sleep at mine mid week

as posted earlier I have my daughter every friday and saturday day because she works & would otherwise be at her grandparent, she does not want to change this night.

i have suggested all number of alternatives to suit her working commitments and also suggested that I have only 1 sunday per month(or 1 full weekend) per month, but I am getting nowhere.

its highly confusing to me also, and it is a sudden change she is trying to make & at the moment I cant see any reasoned arguments to suggest that it is for my daughters best interest

So does your ex spend Monday with your daughter at the moment?
Who looks after your daughter when your ex works late on Wednesday and Thursday? Do you know why your ex thinks that if she is tired after school she should be at her house and not yours?

I know you have been doing 1 of Wed/Thurs at the moment I meant the other night.

and i am not suggesting that anyone is a baddie or even that my suggestions are perfect, I am on board to be flexible, thats how life is, all I wanted to know if i was asking for too much, it doesnt matter to me what days I have with my daughter as long as I am having them & getting to have a proper relationship with her.

Its heartbreaking to hear from your child that they have missed you and knowing that the reason is that you have not been allowed to see them is because their other parent wont let them come.

at the moment I have seen my daughter once in 2 weeks, the last time being saturday just gone, which was cut short because my ex's parents came at 11 in the morning to take her away, my daughter cried her little heart out because she wanted to stay and play for a "little bit longer daddy" not a nice situation to be in.

I think you need to narrow down why she's doing this so you know better what you are up against.

At the moment you suspect its because of maintenance.

So how about asking how she's managing? If she's struggling, that you are willing to discuss increasing maintenance....but not whilst she's threatening to reduce access.

The last bit is important as you don't want to get yourself in a situation where you are pressured into paying to see your own child and everytime she fancies a rise, she plays the same game. But at the same time if a few extra quid per month is enough to pacify her then it might be a more practical solution than spending thousands on solicitors.

At the end of the day, there is a symbiotic relationship where you will always be dependent upon each other. If she's genuinely struggling and you can help then it can only help your daughter.

If she's just being a jealous moneygrabbing cow then forget compromising and just plough on to court.

our arrangement was that my ex had daughter on monday & tuesday, me wednesday, ex thursday me friday & saturday & every other sunday,

our week was split fairly evenly.

when not with me & she works late my daughter is at grandparents & also sleeps at grandparents 1 or 2 nights per week mid week, which is one of the reasons why I cant understand why she cant sleep at my house

I think you are being comnpletely reasonable. If you do go to court you will probably get every other weekend and one night a week. Also the fact this arrangement has been working will help in your favour. Wish my ex wanted to see his boys this much