Should ex tell me his address where he will be taking the children at the weekends

[evolucy7]

I'm after some opinions on this, my ex has now moved to a new house and despite me having known where he has lived for the past 2 1/2 years and where the children have been staying overnight, he has now point blank refused to tell me where he has moved to... He was told to inform me where he lived and took the children by my solicitor 2 1/2 years ago, but now we no longer have solicitors as we have been through the court process and have a court order in place. I suspect he now won't tell me for this very reason. Would you want to know?

But jujusdad, even if evolucy put all that in a letter, he still might not bring them back and OP will not know where they are to collect etc.

Have I missed where it was said he wasnt likely to bring the children back?

Truck - yes evolucy sun 28 nov 10.46 -"if yesterday morning I had said take them and bring tham back at the end of the day he wouldn't have done,......"

what might work is assuring him you will only make use of the address in an emergency as en of jjd post

end of jjd post

Evolucy7 can you just clarify? Does your court order say he has to tell you his address or did your solicitor tell him in a non-binding fashion?

However as it appears that he is more interested in playing games than spending time with his kids, I personally wouldn't waste time trying to appeal to his reasonable side. This doesn't sound like it's about parenting.

My ex was very controlling and the games can be very subtle. I don't always agree with some of the more militant views on MNet, but I always remember WA telling me again and again that I knew him better than anyone else and how he would act. Unfortunately I have been proved right every time.

I used collaborative law to reach a legal agreement with my ex (total cost was #2k). I would be interested to know Spero's views on this. I would not consider mediation. My solicitor was recommended by WA, but was still sucked in by my ex's plausible demeanour. We have both not kept to the letter of the agreement in the year since it was agreed. This was precipitated by him not sticking to specific issues about maintenance, I have not continued to pay 50% of repairs to our house that he has lived in since July 2009.

It sounds unlikely your ex will go back to a solicitor. I also don't believe mine will because he would have to pay and would suddenly have to do things he didn't want to. I'm playing a long game, not to be malicious but to reduce and remove all influence he has over my life. If it's not this, it'll be something else I'm afraid.

agree with Queen of wonder, especially he will suck professionals in with plausible demeanor.But everything said in rest of post as well. (But no experience of collaborative law.)

oh and and since you have pr it has to be disclosed ,xh solictors gave him my adress without even checking with me as yo why i might not want him knowing it

Evolucy, your last longish post -- reminds me so much of my ex, who still has keys to the house we jointly own. Until recently he used to use the keys to get in. I never knew what I could leave lying around when I was out, had to password protect the computer, hide my bank statements. He was just throwing his weight around, for the simple reason that he could. Some people, you give them an inch, or the courts allow them an inch, and they will take a mile, just because they can and are inclined to be contrary sobs.

Ex recently revealed to the DCs, whom he got phones for, on his plan, that he can track them using their phones. He sees no reason why this should have them spitting nails, was all giddy and excited showing them his computer and how the tracking worked. The older two are plotting to get bottom of the line payg phones for themselves and throw the fancy ones into the harbour.

That's why I insisted on the clause in the divorce agreement.

There's no use trying to reason with someone who is basically unreasonable, probably paranoid on top of that, and inclined to be surly too. The only thing they really 'get' is a firm pushback of the sort Evolucy has done.

Oh God I would be so tempted to send the phones on various journeys to confuse and confuddle him...

What a weirdie he sounds. Tracking his children? And expecting them to be delighted about it? What's that about?

What it's about is no boundaries and a god complex.

Oh, this sounds a lot like my XP evolucy.

He likes to withhold information too. He moved house twice without telling me and..well plenty of other issues. It was all about control and being in charge.

You are definitely in the right here.

mathanxiety is right. You just cannot reason with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable. It is very, very hard to deal with.

having put it in a letter / email / some way that it can be sure he got it, evo can then show she did the right and reasonable thing.

When her ex is then an arse - eg she texts him toward end of what she suggested as contact time to check he's bringing them back. Should it be necessary, this can then be escalated to contacting the police.

On the assumption that evo's ex has a car and she knows it's reg, they'll find him.

In order to get them returned to her, she can show the letter. If that's not enough for the police to act on, given that the ex may state he has PR / other court ordered contact, at very least he'll be fully aware that evo will no longer be pissed around by him. Best case scenario the police return children / tell evo where they are and accompany her to get them from the manipulative, emotionally abusive twunt.

sorry, second paragraph doesn't read very well. My 3.2 DD is threatening a tantrum.

fair point, mj, though contact orders don't necessarily state minimum contact time. Otherwise my ex would be taking the piss even more than she already does.

I meant escalate up to calling police depending on the back and forth of email, text etc. Even if they didn't do anything, the incident would then be recorded in yet another place. And evo could have grounds to say that abduction was a possibility - but that would be up to her to make a judgement call on, given past history, ex's background, whereabouts of his family, etc etc.

Evo - do you honestly believe that your EXP would abduct your children?

QueenofW - I have no direct experience of collaborative law, but I have heard only good things about it and the general view seems to be that use of it will increase - anything has got to be better than the current adversarial system.

But I do wonder whether it has the same inherent disadvantage of mediation, i.e. these are great processes for two people who genuinely want to reach an agreement.

If one of the parents is just unreasonable and using the contact dispute to punish/control the other parent, I have my doubts about what could be achieved thru either collaborative law or mediation.

But certainly anything is worth a try; court proceedings are very expensive, emotionally draining and the court can't wave a magic wand and make unreasonable people reasonable.

Sparkle - no I do not believe that he would
abduct the children, but talk of abduction is quite far removed from basic parenting common sense, and there is something odd about his latest behaviour.
I note you previously said that people seem to think that being PWC gives you the right to know everything about NRP time with children, I have not said that, I simply think we should both know where each other lives, and in NRP case simply where they stay overnight, if nothing else my children at 3 and 4 would think it was very odd if I didn't even know where they went, how does that promote good co-parenting?! Yet more secrets between Mummy and Daddy, he has actually specifically told the children not to tell me things, an example a few weeks ago my 4 year old said, 'We had coca cola today, and Daddy said not to tell you' , so she told me obviously.

Evo I did say that and I also said that I supported the position you took at the point of collection.

There has to be a fine balance struck between both parents that allows them both to move on with their lives without having to feel accountable to an ex partner via the excuse of children and not compromising the welfare of the children.

There is a lot of people on this thread saying negative things about your EXP in that he is controlling etc but I don't see him as controlling in the way I understand controlling, I see him as trying to retain some privacy over his private life. It is very easy to be critical of an EXP and read lots of things into behaviour because it suits people's emotion at that point but at some stage the mud slinging has to stop.

You have said here and on your other thread that he refuses to communicate with you and that infers to me that he is angry or hurt with you about something. If he is angry with you then he will not give an inch over anything until you have addressed the issue which is making him behave in this way.

In order to build up a solid co-parenting relationship you have to strip your old relationship down to it's bare bones and rebuild just as parents. It takes time but it is not a case of one parent being right all the time and the other being wrong. You are both equal and I feel for you because you are at a dead end really if he refuses to talk with you.....but that would be my first path of investigation....why he won't communicate with you....

Evolucy: You say there's 'spmething' odd about his behaviour, what do you think is going on with him? (You, after all, know him better than internet sprites like us). Do you think he is going nuts? DO you think he is acting up because he has a new girlfriend he is being secretive about? Or is it that he is working up to either abducting the DC or harming them?
Bear in mind that it's a long and complicated procedure for the court to actualy do anythign to you if you just stop contact and tell him to fuck off.

Sparkle - you simply cannot be reasonable with someone who is unreasonable and you can't make someone be reasonable if they aren't minded to be.

Seriously, what kind of father wouldn't tell the mother of his child(ren)where he lives? It's basic ground rules for decent co- parenting!

Unless she's a crazy, mad stalker (not suggesting you are evolucy) or there are other serious issues which would compromise his safety there is absolutely no reason for this apart from ..well, being a controlling arse/wanting to cause distress.

SS it is utterly absurd to suggest that withholding an adress from a co-parent where there is no danger of stalking or other abuse, is about privacy rather than control.

" If he is angry with you then he will not give an inch over anything until you have addressed the issue which is making him behave in this way."

Um, it's not up to the OP to address her XP's psychological problems; she's not responsible for them, he is. She doesn't have to address his anger that he's lost control of her; he does. Control freaks get angry and behave unreasonably, because they have lost control of a situation they feel entitled to have control of. The only way to make them stop being angry, is to give them that control back. That's not going to happen because the OP is well out of that relationship. (I'm presuming he's a control freak btw, because he is refusing to do something as normal and reasonable as telling the mother of his children where he lives, so that she has a contact address for her children if she needs one.)

Janos - I am not naive to the dynamics of divorce and children but I also know not everything is as black and white as "he's an arse". You could apply that to anyone at some point in their life but it still does not help the situation move forward.

I don't believe many parents would jeopardise the welfare of their children just to be irritate their EXP, something else is going on here.

Sparkle - why is refusing to disclose your address an understandable attempt to 'retain some privacy' ?? I could understand why its not on to demand endless details about a new relationship or to set down conditions about where the children go or who they meet... but not to let the mother of young children know your address, where the children will be staying, is just not on.