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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should ex tell me his address where he will be taking the children at the weekends

173 replies

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 17:00

I'm after some opinions on this, my ex has now moved to a new house and despite me having known where he has lived for the past 2 1/2 years and where the children have been staying overnight, he has now point blank refused to tell me where he has moved to... He was told to inform me where he lived and took the children by my solicitor 2 1/2 years ago, but now we no longer have solicitors as we have been through the court process and have a court order in place. I suspect he now won't tell me for this very reason. Would you want to know?

OP posts:

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 22:56

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Spero · 27/11/2010 22:59

As far as I know, there is no law that says 'separated parents must give each other their addresses', but that is not the point.

I don't think I have ever have a case where an ex refused to give address/contact number and the judge said, 'well, that is a very sensible stance, off you go'.

They usually say, or in words to this effect 'don't be so bloody ridiculous, of course she/he needs to know where the children will be and how to get hold of you if there is an emergency'.

I think he should only withhold address if there is real risk that you are trying to use it to harrass/stalk him.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:05

If he wants to see a solicitor fine, but he did represent himself in court, so I can't see him spending any money!
I appreciate that strictly speaking I have breached the court order, but at the same time if he wants to go back to court, and explain why he is being plain awkward, not communicating etc, he chose to be awkward and then not take the children. He was ticked off about this type of behaviour by magistrates the last time we were in court.

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Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:06

Spero.....I have known where he has lived for the last 2 1/2 years, I went to his house once to collect one of the children for a party.

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Spero · 27/11/2010 23:08

I have refused my ex contact because he would not tell me where he was going or give me a contact number.

Thankfully, it didn't get to court but I was absolutely prepared to stand my ground. My daughter is five and there is no way she is spending the night somewhere when I don't have an address and a number.

this is just basic responsible parenting; to let the other parent know where the child is and how to contact each other in case of emergency.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 23:08

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Spero · 27/11/2010 23:10

evolucy7, I know you know the address, I thought you wanted views on what we would do if ex wasn't giving address out. He is being even more bizarre considering you do actually know it.

HerBeatitude · 27/11/2010 23:10

evo - htat's why you need to put it in writing.

If he goes back to court, you'll need to show that you are not withholding contact for the sake of it, but because he is being unreasonable.

A calm, polite, businesslike letter should do it. Especially one which stresses that you would prefer for contact to take place in a normal manner with both of you putting your DC's welfare first and communicating properly with each other.

Spero · 27/11/2010 23:12

sparklystockings, I was quite prepared to go to court and say 'no address/number, no contact'. I am surprised the judge in your case felt he could not order disclosure. I would have asked for a specific issue order.

How old were the children in your case? I could see it might be different with an older child with his own phone for eg.

There is no statute law on this but there must be some case law; I had better look it up in case I meet a judge who won't order disclosure of address!

Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:12

Yes that is interesting mjin...as I said my solicitor had told him to tell me 2 years ago, but then solicitors do have a habit of telling the other party especially if unrepresented to provide the info, without actually saying you have to do this by law, but it is the assumption of being reasonable.

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HerBeatitude · 27/11/2010 23:12

mj that really is extraordinary.

As Spero says, it's basic, responsible parenting to let the other parent know where you live.

The only reason for withholding the info, is if there is a fear of stalking or other abuse.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:13

No...spero I don't know the address he has moved now..this is not a theoretical discussion lol

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Spero · 27/11/2010 23:16

I can't find anything on Family Law Week, but thinking of my own experiences, the non resident parent has always had to produce address and contact number. Maybe these were very young children, can't now remembet ages.

Spero · 27/11/2010 23:18

Evolucy7, sorry I am clearly going mad and not reading things properly.

But everything I've said still stands. As you knew the address before, he can't be afraid you want the address for evil purposes.

He is being bizarre and irresponsible and I think you are well within your rights to apply to vary the contact order; no contact or contact in a contact centre until he can tell you where the children are going to be.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:25

That was what I meant about 'evil purposes' lol
Do you think that is appropriate about varying court order, because I am wondering what is going to happen he still refuses to tell me in 2 weeks time?

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Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:27

And good grief I haven't got any time for stalking him I'm far too busy trying to chat up my daughters' swimming teacher

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Spero · 27/11/2010 23:29

I would write him a letter, calmly setting out why you NEED the address, asking him please to give it to you or explain why he won't.

If he refuses to engage I don't see what other option you then have but to apply to vary the contact order.

Would he go to mediation about this? Is there a friend/family member who could talk to him?

Spero · 27/11/2010 23:30

I would write him a letter, calmly setting out why you NEED the address, asking him please to give it to you or explain why he won't.

If he refuses to engage I don't see what other option you then have but to apply to vary the contact order.

Would he go to mediation about this? Is there a friend/family member who could talk to him?

Biobytes · 27/11/2010 23:35

Imo it depends on the case. The judge that ruled my friend A's case determined that it her right to know where her child was. Same judge determined that my friend D's ex didn't have a right to know where his child was.

But then, friend A's ex was leaving their child at unknown places to go out/away. While my friend D's ex was behaving like a proper stalker.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 27/11/2010 23:35

Yes ok I will write a letter, seems the best way.
I doubt very much he would agree to mediation, he was the one who insisted on a court order, I never denied him access I acted on advice of my solicitor, and when even CAFCASS put it to him that mediation would be a good way forward, which I was agreeable to, he refused point blank.

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mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 23:43

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Spero · 27/11/2010 23:44

IT sounds like a power/control thing. I know my ex got very sniffy about giving me address/contact numbers and I think it was because this was the only control he now had over the situation.

He took her on holiday and refused to give any details other than his mobile, which of course had no signal. That made me realise I had to stick to my guns because if anything had happened to me there would have been no way of letting him know and I just think that is utterly unacceptable when dealing with a young child.

If he can't understand that, he really is an utter nob.

Spero · 27/11/2010 23:46

mjinsparkly - I think age is relevant because if an older child has his or her own phone then you can contact the child directly without needing the other parents number... BUT that is the only reason I can think of for not giving out address/number and I don't think it is a particularly good reason.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 23:49

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DioneTheDiabolist · 27/11/2010 23:52

OP, unless he has an injunction out against you, you have not just a right, but a duty to know the address that he is taking your DCs to.

You know the addresses of all those who look after your DCs. This is not only desirable, but neccessary. Mobile phones are not enough. You have the right to know where your kids are.

Sounds like he's playing mind games with you. Has he done this in the past?

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