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Original poster

how soon is soon for her new man to stay over?

78 replies

jj2020 · 01/10/2010 10:13

Hi All,

I' like as many opinions on this as poss PLEASE!!!

My wife and I are separated, (in process of divorcing) we split up around june. I have moved out while she is in the house with the kids and there has been some rocky times for us both but as splitting up goes we've been pretty good with each other for the sake of the kids.

She has currently been seeing a guy for the last 6 weeks and ive learnt that at around the start of the 5th week he has been staying over with our children there, waking up playing them etc.

I feel our oldest son who is 5 (6 in june) has struggled with me going. when ever he goes to bed he'll get upset and when I leave the house every so often will be hysterical, crying which is heart breaking.

what I would like to know from you guys do you think 5 weeks is to soon?? and what is the time limit, is there a time limit on him staying while they are there. My ex doesnt seem to think so and belives this wont be bad for them? Im sure he's a nice guy but does out son need this yet.

The other problem with this is that he lives 3 hours away and they find it hard to meet, so she wants him to stay. I said to stay at a hotel i'll have the children at our old place. Im currently sofa surfing and cant really bring them with me.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 10:22

i think its her call to be honest. you dont know the ins and outs of her life anymore. sorry

Snorbs · 01/10/2010 10:22

There are two sides to this. First, I agree that having a new man staying over a month or two after dad moves out is way too soon for the children's best interests. They need time to get used to the new arrangements before having the added complications of a new person around. I think it's very selfish of your ex to be doing this.

The other side, though, is that there's not very much you can do about it. There aren't any fixed time limits for this sort of thing. I'm sorry.

Trilobiteontoast · 01/10/2010 10:59

I think that's far too soon, and creates a risky environment and a poor relationship model for the children to witness. What if he turns out to be a criminal, or abusive, or just goes off suddenly and then she has to explain he's left? I'd be really worried that your children would grow up having a really messed up idea of relationships from witnessing that. It's obviously possible that he's perfectly nice and ok, but in that case then he'd be fine with waiting 6 months before staying over to protect the kids from further insecurity and weirdness.

readywithwellies · 01/10/2010 11:27

Hi jj. My ex h left me for another woman and then went ballastic when he came over unannounced and found me and my new DP (of about a month) in the garden with his DD and my DCs playing. Mutual friends of Ex and mine were there as well. After this he tried to put some 'rules' in place 'for the benefit of the children'. For example, Dp was not allowed to be in the house while the Dcs were being put to bed, I was not allowed to let dcs out of my sight when in his vicinity. It was all stupid and controlling and I think that you really need to take a deep breath and let her get on with it. I don't know your situation, and I wouldn't want to judge, but it makes me a little annoyed when one parent leaves their families and then still think they can rule the roost.
Obviously if she is a raving loony then different rules apply Grin

elastamum · 01/10/2010 11:29

Difficult one. I would not do this. I am a single mum and wouldnt introduce anyone to the kids unless they had been around a while.

But when you have the kids full time and you cdont get a minute to yourself then it is difficult to form new relationships.

Think the best thing is for you to sort out your own life and then you can have your kids to stay over with you more. Sorry..

readywithwellies · 01/10/2010 11:31

Oh and jj, your ex probably hates the idea of you staying at her house while she is with her dp. It is not reasonable to expect her to allow you in the home on your own. (My ex isn't allowed over the front door - and that's the way I like it Grin)

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:34

Hi readywithwellies

im not trying to rule it at all, i can see what your saying though. Ive said Ive got no problems with him going round the flat for dinner or staying and leaving before boys are up, I just cant see that happening as they wake at 6. Im trying to find ways to accommodate but im not going to say everything is fine.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 11:36

its a bit late now tho,as he's been doing this a while!

is she working?

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:37

ready wellies,

thats fine, we had a sort of discussion like that. I'll take the kids out for the day instead then and drop them back home in the evening. but then she doesnt get a break, to go out etc. I really dont like staying there.
last night i notice he's shirt in my old wardrobe, its not nice for me either.

i am trying to sort my own place out, Im saving for a deposit to rent.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 11:41

why were you looking in your old wardrobe??

Snorbs · 01/10/2010 11:44

"it makes me a little annoyed when one parent leaves their families and then still think they can rule the roost."

He hasn't left his family. He's left his wife. It's not the same thing.

Reality · 01/10/2010 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reality · 01/10/2010 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 11:48

he has not got the right to put any time restrictions on her having a new partner move in/stay over tho.....even tho for us it sounds too soon. you cant do that to another adult

and she is pwc....all op can do is get a place and establish a good relationship with regards to access....he cant force her to stop. and a court wouldnt force it,its done now.....unless it were a constant stream or there were welfare issues,then he could take it to court and see what they make of it

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:49

white cherry & Reality!!!!, I wasnt looking through the wardrobe she was there with me as i got some of my old stuff.

she is actually going to read these discussions as it was my idea to get peoples opinions for both of us.. you two seem hostile to any bloke..

OP posts:
Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:49

white cherry & Reality!!!!, I wasnt looking through the wardrobe she was there with me as i got some of my old stuff.

she is actually going to read these discussions as it was my idea to get peoples opinions for both of us.. you two seem hostile to any bloke..
Add

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 11:54

why do i seem hostile??

both reality and i have both been left with the dc ourselves,and had to rebuild new lives around them!! maybe we understand how your ex feels....or will feel....if you attempt to give her your opinion,or set ground rules of any kind!!

i predict she will take offence and cut your contact.....pick your battles,there will be bigger ones ahead

you wanted opinions? or wanted everyone to agree with you??

Reality · 01/10/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:59

my apologies white cherry, im new to all this blogging

reality, hows it none of my buisness im worried about the wellfare of my kids. I really dont mind who she see's and hope she has a nice future with who ever.

thats why your being hostile making up for the fact you had a one nighter and he met the kids the next day, im glad it work out for there sakes...so ner

OP posts:
Reality · 01/10/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffypoms · 01/10/2010 12:05

Personally I think it is too soon to be staying over or even to have met the dc.

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 12:09

reality darling... your such a lady

If you read the posts properly Ive explained why Im staying there. kisses

OP posts:
Spero · 01/10/2010 12:12

Its far too soon. You are not being petty or controlling. You are rightly concerned about the impact on your (young) children about having to cope with a new 'daddy figure' so soon after you left, with no knowledge or security about whether or not he will be on the scene long term or not.

She shouldn't be doing it, its not fair on the children, I think anyone in this sit should wait at least six months so they can get some confidence that the new relationship will endure.

BUT I am afraid there is little you can do about it, other than continue to support your children and reassure them.

the family courts are a very blunt instrument to deal with emotional issues; you can't forbid her to have new relationships, there is a limit to how much you can police it (unless obviously you have some compelling evidence he would be a danger to them due to drink/drugs etc, etc) and if you try to intervene too much you run the risk of really poisoning your working relationship with your ex which is almost certainly worse in the long run than the children being exposed to new relationships.

But those posters being aggressive to you are completely out of order. Anyone, man or woman who puts their own emotional or sexual needs in front of the emotional needs of a small child so soon after a relationship breakup is selfish and immature. If the new boyfriends is so great he won't mind waiting in the wings for a bit longer and having introductions to the children carried out at a slower pace which they are more likely to be able to cope with emotionally.

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 12:12

So, Reality - the morning after when you woke up to a strange man in your bed who you probably didn't even recognise, your kids were already cuddled up in between you both, covered in "spunk" -- You sound like a shining example of motherhood!"

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 01/10/2010 12:13

I heard a woman on Woman's Hour who was widowed who said that when she was crying after her husband had been dead for 3 months, one of her children (4) said 'why are you still crying mummy? Daddy died ages ago'

Which I think tells you something about time and how it works for small children.

I don't think it's any of your business frankly and while finding his shirt in the wardrobe might be upsetting, that's your problem, not hers.