how soon is soon for her new man to stay over?

[jj2020]

Hi All,

I' like as many opinions on this as poss PLEASE!!!

My wife and I are separated, (in process of divorcing) we split up around june. I have moved out while she is in the house with the kids and there has been some rocky times for us both but as splitting up goes we've been pretty good with each other for the sake of the kids.

She has currently been seeing a guy for the last 6 weeks and ive learnt that at around the start of the 5th week he has been staying over with our children there, waking up playing them etc.

I feel our oldest son who is 5 (6 in june) has struggled with me going. when ever he goes to bed he'll get upset and when I leave the house every so often will be hysterical, crying which is heart breaking.

what I would like to know from you guys do you think 5 weeks is to soon?? and what is the time limit, is there a time limit on him staying while they are there. My ex doesnt seem to think so and belives this wont be bad for them? Im sure he's a nice guy but does out son need this yet.

The other problem with this is that he lives 3 hours away and they find it hard to meet, so she wants him to stay. I said to stay at a hotel i'll have the children at our old place. Im currently sofa surfing and cant really bring them with me.

Thanks everyone

Spero - thanks for the input, i dont want it to get to courts. Truely want to remain friends not just for there sake. i had spoken to ex about putting this post on just so we could get unbiased opinons about what is right as were both confuesed.

so what will your ex do if its a majority opinion she is in the wrong???

dump him/restrict him??

what will the dc make of another shift in the status quo?

jj2020, your comments about 'spunk' really aren't helping your case. If you are genuinely concerned your wife will be having sex in front of the children or not caring where they are, then you should be off to the family courts pronto as she clearly isn't fit to have residence.

But that can't genuinely be your concern???

Of course, no one likes to see their ex with someone new, especially in their house and with their children and no doubt this is part of your motivation.

But I think anyone with any sense should understand that it is a BAD idea to introduce children to significant others too soon - and five weeks is way too soon. We all need time to process and understand what happens in our life and children need particular help through difficult emotional times because they don't have the cognitive skills to figure stuff out and take a zen approach.

All this crap about children being 'resilient' and just getting on with things is a dangerous lie - if children were so resilient to emotional harm, I wouldn't be paying my mortgage off hundreds of clients so screwed up by their parents emotional carelessness that they now visit the same damage upon their own children.

Presumably your ex loves the children just as much as you. Try to talk to her about your fears for the children, I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to have this input. I am afraid she doesn't have the right just to go off and do whatever she damn well likes - you both made a decision to have children and now you must both work together to try and do as little damage to them as possible.

white cherry -

I wouldnt do that, my main question was what is the right amount of time to go by if any?

I thought maybe my emotions were getting in the way as reality so delicately put it, but i do believe that Im thinking of them.

snorbs - yes, I see your point. But you are picking at straws. They do leave their wife/husband and not their children, but the family as it was no longer exists. They cannot expect to have the same input once not under the same roof and if you have children with someone and were married then you should trust them enough to make the right decisions for the dcs.

Reality - some children are indeed quite tough and adaptable. But very, very few are going to be sufficiently tough and adaptable to take the loss of a parent in their stride. They know they depend utterly on their parents to keep them alive and the loss of either mother or father is very significant to the vast majority of children and is likely to cause them harm which will impact on their own abilities to form loving healthy relationships when adults, unless handled well and sensitively by their parents.

I am glad for you that you met someone so soon after you split up with your ex and it is working well. But I suspect you are the exception that proves the rule and your experience is unlikely to translate to the vast majority of children in such circs.

And its not just the internet sprites who think so. Its er, just about every child psychologist or psychiatrist I have ever met.

jj have you asked the dcs what they think?

Reality, you've just set out a very sensitive and responsible way of introducing a new man to your children, plus they hadn't seen their father for a year! that's a bit different to how you set it out originally to the op.

and you can see how your circs are very different to his.

They have lost a parent. He won't be part of their family. Ok, so he is not dead, but they are learning that parents can just leave, be replaced by new parents and so on and so on.

If this situation isn't handled well (and the way you handled it sounds pretty much text book ideal) it causes harm. There is, as far as I know, no dissent from that opinion amongst child welfare professionals.

So I don't think op at all unreasonable to be concerned.

Just to say spoken to ex just now, and the shirt i saw in the wardrobe was in fact her jacket, to clarify i wasnt snopping she opened the wardrobe i was standing there got the wrong impression...sorry

Reality I didn't think your new DH could adopt your DC unless your Exh agreed to it?

I find some of the responses to the OP highly insensitive and unhelpful. Come on be honest how long does it take to financally emotionally sort yourself out after a failed relationship? And with moving out of the family house contact is going to be fractured until you sort yourself a place where you can have the kids overnight. Add to that the uncertainty of another adult being introduced into the children, their reaction (is this a replacement for my dad?!?). And then add to that the feelings that you as a partner seem to have been so quickly replaced.

And the same goes for your partner it must be emotionally hard trying to start a new relationship with things so up in the air. With not really feeling you have their own private space. She maywell be thinking "What if things don't work out with this guy, am I putting all my eggs in the one basket too soon."

It's just hard ... and MN posters don't be so quick to be so pious, when people are finding things hard!

My own thoughts are ... it's not about the amount of time your Ex has spent getting to know her new partner, it's about the need for stability for you child. I think you and your Ex-partner should be focused on sorting out contact that gives the level of security to the DC that means that if the relationship with your ExP and her NP breaks down the child has the security that they've got their mother and they've got their farther.

Parental consent can be dispensed with if its in the best interests of the children. Can't see how a father who buggers off for four years can have much of a say in it...

op....have you found anyone new?

whitecherry - whats the relevance of op finding someone new? same advice applies to both of them; be sensitive to what their children need.

Or if you are suggesting he is only acting concerned just because he is bitter he hasn't got someone else, I don't think that is fair. Of course, jealousy and bitterness play a part, but fundamentally his concern is reasonable.

I don't think its any of your buisness - sorry!!

Who she has in her home and around her children is up to her... exactly the same as if you had a new partner and had you children around them.

A huge plus point for my ExH is that he has never questioned me or tried to give me rules on boyfriends etc. He trusts my judgement and I respect him for that.

spero.....i am asking what i wish! is that ok with you? how have i suggested anything?? how? go on.....enlighten me!!

oh,and for the record,no,you are way off the mark!!

whitecherry, you don't need my permission to say whatever you want, just as I don't need yours either.

So why were you asking, given that I am off the mark? Let's make this enlightenment a mutual thing.