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Original poster

how soon is soon for her new man to stay over?

78 replies

jj2020 · 01/10/2010 10:13

Hi All,

I' like as many opinions on this as poss PLEASE!!!

My wife and I are separated, (in process of divorcing) we split up around june. I have moved out while she is in the house with the kids and there has been some rocky times for us both but as splitting up goes we've been pretty good with each other for the sake of the kids.

She has currently been seeing a guy for the last 6 weeks and ive learnt that at around the start of the 5th week he has been staying over with our children there, waking up playing them etc.

I feel our oldest son who is 5 (6 in june) has struggled with me going. when ever he goes to bed he'll get upset and when I leave the house every so often will be hysterical, crying which is heart breaking.

what I would like to know from you guys do you think 5 weeks is to soon?? and what is the time limit, is there a time limit on him staying while they are there. My ex doesnt seem to think so and belives this wont be bad for them? Im sure he's a nice guy but does out son need this yet.

The other problem with this is that he lives 3 hours away and they find it hard to meet, so she wants him to stay. I said to stay at a hotel i'll have the children at our old place. Im currently sofa surfing and cant really bring them with me.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 13:52

i was asking because am trying to build a bigger picture......i have asked other questions too.....

2 sides to a story and all that.....especially as the ex is involved in this thread too,we are told

Spero · 01/10/2010 13:57

So my question remains - why is that relevant? Surely its only relevant if you think that the op is only concerned because he is a bitter lonely saddo?

He could be romancing the entire cast of the Folie Bergeres and still be entitled to be anxious about his ex having a man stay overnight in the home where his children live when she can't possibly at this stage know the new man well enough to predict how the relationship is likely to pan out.

I thought the issue here was about responsible parenting post separation and to what degree parents in this position have to temper their own wants and needs to make sure they protect their children.

Sorry, if I am not contributing to the debate, please ignore me. But I thought it interesting you ask that question for the reasons I've explained.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 14:01

nope,not at all why i asked! perhaps if op answered the questions.....

whiteandnerdy · 01/10/2010 14:24

whitecherry, just give two responses one for each scenario, and thereby it comes across as you wanting to give helpful input as apposed to being either nosey or judgemental, it also may give your post a more unbiased flavour. I dunno what do I know ... :o)

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 14:30

well this is lone parents.....i'm a lone parent.....hence having valid reasons for asking.

i also asked if the ex works.....again,a valid reason.

untill op comes back to answer,how can i give the responses???

why does my post need to,or not need to have an 'unbiased flavour'

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 14:43

she does work from home..

ive been seeing some one yes, unforntuantly not the entire cast Folie Bergeres (not sure what it is to be honest, sorry).

I'm not tryin to stop them seeing each, or putting rules in or telling her what to do. All im saying, asking is it ok for my kid to see another man in the house at this stage of the brake up, will in F him up. probably not and im over paranoid. but as an adult i think she has to ask is this really the one, if so whats the rush or if this doesnt work out and the boys get used to him will that mess them up even more as its only been 5 weeks.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 14:45

right so she works and assume has a decent income then as you still pay bills! so that means she could,in theory,do the hotels/travelling thing then. while you have the children at weekends??

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 14:51

I dont pay the full bills any more, i pay maintenance, half the mortgage, and some loans credit cards.

apparently he works far away and comes in to london for business, i assume he would get hotels before staying round hers, why not now and split it with ex. i get to see kids..everyones a winner

cant belive im sorting out my ex's liaisons...where did it all go wrong!!!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 14:54

as i said earlier,pick your battles!!! there will be many!

especially if she takes offence at this point,but you have already brought all this up with her now.

how is she responding? is she hostile to your worries? or is she saying she did wrong etc?

Aminata100 · 01/10/2010 15:11

I think it's too soon and I can understand why you are worried for your kids.

Some very venomous replies on here! Shock

Spero · 01/10/2010 15:13

Try if you can not to go in all guns blazing and on the defensive. Try to appeal to her to see what is best for the children; you are not trying to stop her having a life but maybe just slow things down a little for the children's sake.

Would she agree to go to Relate or similar counselling, to help you agree best way to work together post separation?

I speak from bitter personal experience; it has taken two years to get my relationship with my ex even remotely on track after he started a new relationship only a few months after we split and then spent a weekend with my daughter and his new girlfriend without even telling me he was in a new relationship and my daughter comes home full of tales of 'daddy's friend who stays the night'.

It really pissed me off, even more so because it has taken him two years to admit that this was the wrong thing to do and he will now warn both of us if he wants to introduce our daughter to a new girlfriend.

Of course I am jealous that he's been able to move on, but I was (and am) worried about the impact on our daughter of all of this, seeing that her dad wasn't even emotionally intelligent enough to explain that a new girlfriend existed, let alone would be introduced to our daughter.

But I probably handled it very badly by being very self righteous and angry... both of you have got to try and talk to each other and see each other's point of view. Easier said than done I know.

But if she takes the attitude of some on here that 'piss off, its none of your business' I think that would be very sad, because she would be wrong - your children remain both of your business and will do until you both die.

Acanthus · 01/10/2010 15:17

It is too soon but there's not a lot you can do. She's been and gone and done it now, hasn't she. Has he been on the scene for longer than she has told you about, do you think?

amberleaf · 01/10/2010 15:55

"Anyone, man or woman who puts their own emotional or sexual needs in front of the emotional needs of a small child so soon after a relationship breakup is selfish and immature"

I agree with the above.

I does seem a bit too soon IMHO

I dont think you are being unreasonable to be concerned about it.

as others have said pick your battles and be careful not to let your children know of your feelings about it.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2010 18:20

I fail to see why it would harm children for their parents to have friends staying over.
Different issue if the friends are substance abusers or violent, or the parent a demonstrably lousy judge of character - or so loopy and useless that s/he is careless about whether or not the DC witness sexual activity. Different issue again if every new partner is introduced as a prospective new step-parent. However, if you trust your XP to have reasonable judgement (even though they did dump you) and new dates/overnight guests are introduced simply as 'Mummy/Daddy's friend [name] who's staying tonight' then that's not actually difficult for DC to cope with.
If you have genuine concerns about risk, OP ie that your wife is a substance abuser or her friends are generally dodgy, then you should take action, maybe via mediation. Otherwise, sorry, but you have to suck it up. She's entitled to have a sex life if she wants one, and it's not your business who with. ANy attempt to interfere will make you come across as jealous, bitter and controlling, which isn;t going to help you maintaina good co-parent relationship with her.

amberleaf · 01/10/2010 20:32

"I fail to see why it would harm children for their parents to have friends staying over."

But they are not friends, they are sexual partners or partner in this instance.

I suppose it depends on the age of the children as to how much understanding they would have of a 'friend' who sleeps in mummies bed.but they are children not idiots im sure it wouldnt be long until they figure it out

If its a relationship that has a future fair enough but i dont think you could gage that from just 5 weeks. so how many 'friends' should children see over the breakfast bowls?

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2010 21:22

As long as the friends are polite and goodnatured (which most people are, really) it doesn't matter.
TNH it's the people who try to make every new shag into New Step-parent who mess things up - teaching DC that you can have friends with benefits (in an age-appropriate way, obviously) as long as they are goodmannered, decent people is a good lesson to teach them.

Granard · 02/10/2010 20:47

I'm staggered, in the first instance, that any Mum would have a new partner staying over whilst her children are in the house. But I'm incredulous that she would do so within a couple of months of their Father moving out.

The eldest is only 5 and they wake up now to a strange man in their Mother's room?

I can't imagine how they must feel. Confused, scared?

And what's next? She's only been with him for a few weeks. Far too soon to know where the relationship is going. Who's to say how long it will last. Will the next guy stay over within a few weeks also?

poshsinglemum · 02/10/2010 22:50

op- i wouln't worry. he probably isn't an axe murderer. it's ok to feel wierd and worried but hopefully your ex has enough sense to handle this delicately. imo she has moved rather fast.

poshsinglemum · 02/10/2010 23:00

i would say that 6 weeks is a fair amount of time to see someone before introducing to kids. but 5 months after splitting from you is reboundish.

HerBeatitude · 02/10/2010 23:13

I think it depends on the kids ages and expectations. Having friends stay over is no big deal. Having potential step-fathers stay over is a big deal. Children do not realise that men are potential step fathers unless someone tells them that thy are - until they get to a certain age.

I also think that to dictate 6 months before a man can meet the children, is unrealistic and controlling. Boyfriends don't have to be introduced as boyfriends. They really don't. However, even if they are, I don't think you can categorically lay down a time line. I personally wouldn't introduce anyone as a boyfriend before at least 3 months and I would try and string it out as "mummy's friend" for at least a year if I could - but some people know within a month that this person is going to be in their lives for a long time, so there are no hard and fast rules.

The bottom line in this case, is that the kids have already met the guy, so there's no going back and therefore no point in making a conflict about it. However, has he been introduced as a "boyfriend" or jsut a friend? because honestly there is a difference. And if he's only been introduced as a friend, then I'd try and keep it that way for a bit.

gettingeasier · 03/10/2010 09:06

I think having someone staying over,however they are introduced to the dc, after 5 weeks of separation beggars belief.

Each to their own I suppose but if I met someone I wouldnt feel comfortable having them stay while dc were in the house and my h left 10 months ago. That may be because mine are much older dont know..it isnt something thats likely to be put to the test I fear Grin

Op I am glad you are seeing someone too you both sound like you have moved on incredibly quickly.

Niceguy2 · 03/10/2010 10:12

JJ, as a bloke and someone who's been through this. Firstly let me say I understand what you are going through.

But seriously mate. Man up!

You can twist everything how you like. At the end of the day, when she introduces a new BF into your child's life is HER business.....not yours!

Suck it up and file it away for when you meet someone. Then when the shoe is on the other foot and she's all concerned over when you will introduce her to your DD you can remind her that you didn't interfere with her decision.

The bottom line is her rules during her time. Your rules during yours. You don't have to like it. It just is.

GypsyMoth · 03/10/2010 10:14

op has already met someone new........

Niceguy2 · 03/10/2010 10:58

Ooops sorry. Must have missed that bit. In which case even more reason to man up and zip it.

It's frankly not his Decision to make and the more he sticks his oar in, the more controlling, jealous and pathetic he looks.

Spero · 03/10/2010 15:02

Niceguy, I think you are missing the point. It is not about trying to stop your ex having a sex life or a new relationship... it is being concerned about the emotional impact on some very young children being introduced to mummy's new 'friends' FIVE WEEKS after their parents split up.

Any parent has the right to be concerned about this, whether or not they are shagging someone new or bitter and celibate.

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