Anyone else feel this isn't what they signed up for?

[poshsinglemum]

Or what they saw for their future when thye were little?
I love dd but am still grieving the nuclear family. I don't think I will meet anyone soon.

Oh yes I totally understand what you mean. I signed up for kids and a hubby, not kids and a xp who couldn't give a toss.

I feel like I have sold my kids into a life of crap, when technically, it is xp that did that.

i completely agree. I'm 13 months on from split - I sometimes feel very resentful that xh has complete freedom to go out, work on career, have hobbies, start new relationships etc whilst i will have put the kids first at least for the next 10 years. I'm really annoyed at him for leaving me in this position.

I do pine for my complete family back. On the other hand i would find it really difficult to have him back living with me, or indeed any man. At this moment in my life i feel that all men have a strong selfish streak that i'm not willing to put up with. I'm generalising but this belief gets reinforced all the time.

When I got married and made my vows I truly meant them and believed exh and I would have children, bring them up together, see them go off into the world and then we would grow old together. When we moved to a larger property we even bought a 4 bedroom bungalow so that it would be a lovely family home but that also we would never have to move when we got older.

Now my life is nothing like that, am on my own with 2 dc and although we have lots of family and friends and we have a good life it still tugs at my heart strings when i see families out on a sunday afternoon walk or my friends are talking about their husbands.

Agree that weekends are the worst. Friends want to spend time with their own families so you're often taking kids out alone. And seeing other families makes you feel even more alone.

I have been an LP for ten years plus and get very lonely. But, on the whole the kids with 2 parents seem more arrogant and less nice than those with only one main career.

Small comfort but I don't buy the media crap about LPs; on the whole we do a far better job than parents who bicker, or give each otehr the silent treatment.

With less money it seems LP's kids appreciate the value of things more, appreciate the relationships they have more, and cope much better with life in general.

know what u mean,
been living in my flat with dds for 2 and 1/2 weeks after 10 years of being with ex h.

we all went shopping today like we used to today and felt like it used to normal sat routine, also had a dream ex was bonking cam diaz and woke up very upset this morn

we are on good terms but after coping so well feel like crying all day and cant stop

grieving process and reality has reared up today,

wouldnt want to be together again but it feels really lonely today,,

hes gone with dds to their nans today for lunch and i guess cos i dont get invited anymore just makes me feel miserable

still gonna have a bloody good cry to some sad music then put on a happy face for when they all come back and knuckle on somehow.

Agree totally.

Feeling very lonely and sorry for myself.

I have 5dc.First husband decided he preferred single life and left me with dd's1 and 2.Second husband ,after happily having dd1 and dd3,decided he didn't really like married life either and retreated into silence.Then bailiffs turned up ,and I discovered he had run up 60k worth of debts....

3 years ago I thought I had found my soulmate,who appeared to love all dc as much as me.He turned out to be an emotional and verbal abuser who disappeared in April when dd4 was a week old.

I really committed to marriage and also thought I'd finally got it right at last with xp.

I now feel a total failure ,I will never try again with any man.Anyway,I don't think I will appear a dream prospect for anyone sane.

I worry that I seem to be an irresponsible single mother.It is unusual enough having 5 dc without having 3 exes.

I am on maternity leave and can't afford to give up work,but can't imagine how I will cope with a full time job on top of everything.

The summer holidays are really getting to me ,too.No time to think when all dc at home all day and up til all hours.And happy families seem to be everywhere.

I know this is self indulgent self pity,but it is such a lonely slog .I really long to laugh,chat,moan about it all with a partner,and to have a cuddle at the end of the day.
Wont happen now though.
Thanks for letting me offload and sorry to moan!

Bloody hell, pinemartina that puts my woes into perspective...

I'm a single/lone parent by choice which makes me feel this is what I signed up for but I wish I'd realised how bloody hard and lonely it can be. In all honesty, I thought DD's daddy would be living with us but he isn't and she's nearly three now. It's not going to happen and I'm not a young mother. I'll be 45 in September and I feel that I've lost my looks, my life, my career and my future on a bad day. It is worth it and I wouldn't be without DD for anything but it's so hard some days. Today, for example.

I'm 42.I feel this is a dismal perspective but....I find that on a "good" day ,confidencewise, I can spoil it all by thinking what a waste that it's downhill now and no one to appreciate what is still left of me....

Actually ,I made myself laugh typing that...but ,sadly,I still think it is true...

pm I don't really believe it's all gone for me either but then I look in the mirror when DD gets me up at 5:30am again and think it's probably better that there's no-one else there to see it!

I have a very good male friend (also fabulously wealthy) whom I sadly do not fancy in the slightest. He is a little older than me and is newly single (his children are grown up now) and all he wants is a lovely lady with a ready made younger family. He doesn't want any more babies but he longs to be in a family environment again. Not sure why I'm mentioning this. Probably to make the point that some nice, decent men are still out there?

Shame I'm so screwed up that a genuinely decent man is unlikely to attract me in the first place!

Ooh ,send him my details!!

In the movies you'd fall for him after a bit of drama with dc!

Yes,I fear my radar is all wrong,too.And I'm sure I have a "losers this way" sign on my head,visible only to men....

my god there are so many lonely mums out there today,
am in my mid forties and i too think will i ever meet a decent bloke at my age
my ds father did a runner b4 he was born ,hes now 20 and the dds dad is a screwed up porn addict who over 10 years chose hoes and massage parlours over me ,it really is getting to me today more than usual,

hes obviously been having a whale of a time out at nites with his mates ........and while i agrre i should be concentrating on making a new life for me and my girls,,,,its not easy to find the confidence to go out when u are 4 stone overweight,skint and need babysitters,his choosing nubile young things over me has taken the wind out of my sails totally

still on the plus side i have magnificent boobs and am trying to lose some weight and get fit fitter and healthier so its a start

To cheer you up, my mum has just got married again to a lovely guy at the age of 54. They are really good together, and probably have another 30 years of marriage together

thank you aquavitae u made my day thats so fab to hear that x

Yep. I'm feeling totally shit today too. Have decided to cut all contact with every friend who has family relations whom their dcs see. I don't have any family. My family are an abomination. And as for my whore shagging ex husband's family. Well, words fail me. What a disgusting bunch of mediocre crap they turned out to be. Just like m,y privately-educated piece of shit of an ex husband (now fucking whores in Thailand)

We went on a day trip today with a girlfriend who has has been a lone parent for four years but who has spent those four years going out with many many dates to find a partner. She coudl do it because she has a huge extended family who look after her kids all the time (I took ds swimming at local pool yesterday and her dc were there with their grandpa, uncle, aunt and cousin. I felt totally shit) She has now found a lovely partner, after kissing a thousand shitty frogs (something I will never have opportunity to do) and they are going to buy a place together, are going on their second foreign holiday together - taking her children. She has decided to re-train in september (can presumably afford it as he is helping or family is/has the confidence to do so and now the time as she will be living with lovely new man)

I am sick to death of it. He lifted her children on to his shoulders and my ds looked at me plaintively and saasked if i could do that to him. I can't for more than five minutes as he is heavy and i am fucking knackered. My beloved cat died yesterday so I haven't slept.

I hate my puerile thai-prostitute-shagging- lying-cheating-thieving-pervert exhusband and his disgustingly selfish cruel family. I alos loathe my own selfish fucked up family.

I long for my lovely cat.
I am much too old to be doing this crap.

Apart from that I am ok.

I think ds would be better off if he was adoopted by someone with a proper family actually.

That is lovely; guess there is always hope

ph, and cutting contact with anyone with a husband or partner too. I mean, i just dont need it.

My son is 2 and i am 47 next birthday.

yes, I know what you mean. I do feel that poverty is not what I signed up for, and I get so angry when I read benefit-bashing type threads. My x is stealing from me. I have to provide everything the children need somehow and I have to make all the sacrifices. It's not how I thought it would all pan out, but I certainly don't long to meet anybody new. That would make me feel torn actually. There's now way I can visualise meeting somebody without it bringing complication in to my life.

I've accepted things now though really. It was all much harder a few years ago.

Without, I think that all of the social 'ills' which are automatically hung on the peg marked 'single mother' are actually poverty issues.

UA So sorry

I wish I lived up the road,I'd be over with a gang of rowdy urchins and a crate of red.

I so know where you're at and can only commiserate as in same place

You can email me at [email protected]

another adding to the chorus of agreement. was thinking only today that I have my family of 2 (me and ds) and I always thought it would be 4 of us. hard to come to terms with.

Sunday afternoons in the playground don't help

but aquavitae that is lovely to hear!

UA I am so sorry you are so unhappy.my ex is the same its horrible and losing your cat is horrible too.

me too pinemartina ,maybe not up the road but here on mumsnet x hugs

Yep. I don't have fucking penny in cashflow (savings yes - which are tied up for my son as he is going to get fuck all from any 'relations')

So today...could he have a boat ride with the others??

No.

Could we stay for a cream tea with my friend and her partner and dcs?

No

Did I buy him 2 pairs of shorts from hospice shop?

Yes

And nearly all his other clothes?

Yes.

Are my feet like a jungle dweller's and my eyebrows wonky and my eyes tired and my wallet empty?

Yes.

and did my friend look radiant in her new (she has thousands of clothes) dress from a surf shop and beautifully painted nails and professionally and beautifully highlighted hair look bloody gorgeous?

Yes.

And How the fuck does she afford it? Well she has family and her family love her and they love her children. They contribute. Because they care

Anyhow. If my son ends up in jail I hope my fuckwit siblings and my pervert ex-husband all get into the papers.

And

Oh my aunt got married in her mid-fifties too