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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Anyone else feel this isn't what they signed up for?

82 replies

poshsinglemum · 31/07/2010 20:20

Or what they saw for their future when thye were little?
I love dd but am still grieving the nuclear family. I don't think I will meet anyone soon.

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ballstoit · 10/08/2010 20:27

This is definitely not what I signed up for... being on my own with 3 DC, and 2 DSC most of the time too. He is living the life of Riley, rings DC when he gets a minute and is supposed to see them twice a week but has actually seen them once in the last 3 weeks.

My DSC's mum moans that they dont see enough of him, and I try not to laugh as nor does she. My family and friends dont understand why I dont send them back to her, but they've not lived with her for nearly a year and never where she lives now. Why should they be disrupted again because their Dad's an arse.

Why do I bother wading in on benefits threads when it just makes me feel rubbish. I am looking for a job but am qualified for nothing, struggle to find time to look for work or complete applications. Even if I get a job, how will I find childcare for 5 kids and how will I cope with the washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping and work full time and give my DC any attention.

I feel so lonely in the evening and find it hard to get DC into bed alone, especially as no.5 doesnt sleep at all (she's just 1). If I'd signed up for this I'd be looking for the get out clause about now!!

secretskillrelationships · 10/08/2010 20:41

Unfortunately, I don't believe in Karma either. But my oldest DS can already see how unfair it all is and that I am getting the shitty end of the stick. I feel bad for him worrying that I am not happy. It isn't his fault and it's not his job to make me happy.

So on top of everything else, I now have to appear to be happy for the DCs. But I do know, having been through it, that children do recognise at least some of what we go through.

And I do think there is a complete double standard going on here. My ex has women literally throwing themselves at him, offering to help with the DCs etc, etc. And I don't.

But I also think that people don't think. Somehow, even though nearly everyone has experienced the pain of a relationship breakdown, they seem to think that you are, or should be, okay with it all. How can that be? The worst break-up most people have experienced was of a relationship that may have lasted a year or so and that was painful enough. But the pain of separating from someone you'd planned to spend the rest of your life with, how is that ever going to be easy and painless?

And then you're not even allowed to criticise them, you're expected to remain civilised, cordial even when you are hurting so badly inside. And, on top of that, you are the one who ends up supporting your distressed and upset DCs.

Add a distinct lack of money to the mix (don't forget the research that says something along the lines of 2 years post divorce most men are better off and most women worse off) and it's a really challenging combination of things to deal with. And that's without adding in society's attitude to single parents.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 20:46

ballstoit it might feel less bad if we could get out more in these endles bastard weeks.

and no I don't mean 'getting out' to fricking Morrisons. Or putting the rubbish out. Or walking to the CM to pick up DCs.

I mean going out for a simple drink and a bag of crisps with other adults who can share keeping an eye on them .... instead i sit in night after night in the week, growing older and more knackered while the days go past in ground-hog day style.

Hopefully I am smoking enough tobacco to kill me soon.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 20:51

I have a degree and had a good career before H fucked off. Not that it matters a toss anymore...I barely have the motivation to get out of bed anymore.

But I was cleaning an old man's shit-filled toilet the other day and he said to me 'with all due respect love, (get that - love - patronising old bastard) you don't need a degree to do what you do'

Well fark him. He can find some other sap to hoover up his crumbs and clean his shit off the bog. I don't need to be patronised for putting food on the table by some stupid old bore who has a comfortable bungalow, his own hair, a wife, a dedicated daughter AND a cleaner -

believe me, I am the one he will find the hardest to replace.

corlan · 10/08/2010 21:18

Strewth!! Come on ladies, cheer up now! Things could be a lot worse. We could be useless,selfish, C U Next Tuesdays like the absent fathers. We all stayed with our kids,we didn't walk,we didn't betray and we didn't turn our backs. Shitty as it usually is to raise children on your own I'd rather be the one that shouldered my responsibilty than the one that turned my back on my kids.

lionstigersandbearsohmy · 10/08/2010 22:08

This is not what I signed up for either, but I'm genuinely shocked at how unhappy most of you are :(
I guess I'm quite a positive person anyway (or just simple minded!!) but really all it takes is laying next to my baby boy at the end of the day and I feel like the luckiest woman alive. The only person who can make you happy is YOU, cliche but true.
Try watching 'The pursuit of Happyness' for a bit of inspiration...surely you must be able to see some good in your lives ladies???!! X

MollieO · 10/08/2010 22:19

Not what I signed up for at all. Never wanted children. Ds was an accident and having taken a friend for an abortion many years ago it wasn't something I wanted to go through. Did think ex would take more of an interest as he always said that he would 'honour his responsibilities'. Little did I realise that meant having no contact with ds and hiding his income from the CSA Hmm.

Haven't dated since I had ds and the thought of it makes me actually feel quite sick. Also have never been so broke in my life, despite earning what would be viewed as a good salary.

Good points are that not a day goes by where ds doesn't surprise me. Not always good (yesterday's was throwing a golf ball at a glass light fitting and scoring a direct glass shattering hit) but every day is different.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 22:24

I am noty going to apologise for it being so bloody hard.

Stop being so raspberrys and cream enid blyton.

You are doing a very good job of making me feel more shit about everything.

lionstigersandbearsohmy · 10/08/2010 22:29

Sorry..no offense intended. Will go start a tread about brocolli!!
Enid X

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 22:30

The interesting thing about men such as these is that they can go on and fuck anybody in foreign countries they like, produce numerous kids. Then leave.

So every female left with one of his offspring is supposed to repeat the same mantra.

'Goodness ladies, my child is giving me hugs. Stop being so down!'

Fark off.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 22:39

lion you posted this is another thread:

'Hi, yes ex and I are amicable. He even phones me for advise about his new girlfriend!
I think it's possible but only if there are no feelings of love left...that's definately true in our case!'

How very choccy cup-cake.

You have no bloody idea

so stop patronising me

corlan · 10/08/2010 23:01

Look on the bright side UA - from the sound of it,your ex is probably going to catch syphilis and die soon anyway.

pinemartina · 10/08/2010 23:06

I picked myself up,cheered up and looked positive after 2 crap marriages -

  • both men decided they preferred weekend contact,no responsibility ,single man -style parenting,and can now have jolly fun and days out with their 2 dc each, without any of the difficult stuff...I do all that -

Then,as I had alternate free weekends,I was able to date a fascinating,exciting and seemingly very grounded man. 3 years of great dates and weekends away,a couple of trips abroad and then tentative family outings became what seemed to be "the one" at last.
He convinced me - an independent cynic who knew better - that he loved us all ,me and 4 dc...

He thought it would be wonderful to have a child of our own.

But no sooner was I pg,than he became a controlling, verbally abusive scary shit.

He enjoyed playing the hero as dd5 was born,but has not been seen or heard of since.

So,no more child free weekends and I have no idea how I will pick up working full time after maternity leave finishes,or how I will feed/clothe etc everyone if I don't.

I feel as if I don't exist outside the eyes and demands of my dc.Because,other than on line, I don't talk to anyone grown up from one week to the next.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 23:11

Come and stay with me Pine.

What is your ex wankers full name and address please?

I have something to send to him.

pinemartina · 10/08/2010 23:16

I'd love to come and stay

whiteandnerdy · 10/08/2010 23:27

Well, I'm guessing that being a lone parent has it's positives and negatives, I think it helps to share the negatives because it's good to know others understand. On the other hand we shouldn't dwell too much on the negatives as the positives of parenting make it all worth while barring the bit in where their snotty teenagers.

Right enought of that hippy s**t I'm off for a wank DOHH Grin.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 23:27

That's a done deal then.

All our dcs can hang out on the beach (in the rain no doubt. Shit bloody country) while you and I sit in a nice bar having cheesy chips and talking.

I'm in north devon. Let's do it.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2010 23:29

nerdy, mine is 2.

Go and have a wank.

pinemartina · 10/08/2010 23:38

Ok, sounds fab.
Do you want to CAT or email?

jamestkirk · 11/08/2010 22:04

i certainly never saw a life as a single parent - always wanted kids, tho going it alone, no way.

has been a struggle at times - just the usual stuff - plus i'm a fella - but looking back now theres no way i would have changed it. i still get incredibly lonely at times - and miss the gf's and their kids that have come and gone - the nearest ive come to a nuclear family.

most important tho is your kids do appreciate the effort you put in - tho it can be a while before they grow up enough to realise it - so just keep doing what you do and dont give in, no matter what.

i work hard, am constantly tired, am unlikely to meet anyone that will put up with me - but have three brilliant kids that make it all worthwhile - i just have to take the time to remember now and then.

Unlikelyamazonian · 12/08/2010 07:56

Lovely post james. Smile

elastamum · 12/08/2010 15:23

Dont know why, but it is heartening to think there might be the occasional man out there who also deals with the shit mostly female LP are left with.

Aside from all this positivity bollocks, life is f**king tough for most of us. Working all the time to feed everyone, struggling to make ends meet, doing everything, constantly knackered and often lonely.

Since becomng a LP 2 years ago I have been constantly amazed at the lack of acknowledgement from friends and family about how hard life is. My ex has just dumped everything on me and gone off to build a new family elsewhere. My ex in laws dont give a shit and my family are too far away to help. Only a couple of my original friends have hung in there for me.
I get one night off every too weeks and usually just fall into bed.

I love my kids more than anything but it is a long tough journey bringing them up alone.

yellowishpurple · 12/08/2010 21:21

4 years for me now. Was meant to get easier with time but it jut seems to get harder every day.

Like UA my ex is also shagging his way around thailand, flying back to see DD every so often. She still cries for him and i'm tired of saying positive things about him to her because all i really want to tell her is that her dad is a dick and doesn't give a toss about anyone except himself.

and i'm tired, and i'm skint and i'm recovering from the flu and it's my birthday and no one thought to take my DD out to help her buy me a present and as irrational as it sounds it's really, really pissed me off.

And my married friends who say "oh it's my turn to put DCs to bed tonight and i'm tired so dh can do it again instead" and my boss who complained the other day that "i've had to do the bedtime routine three times by myself this week" and all those who have said to me today "happy birthday, have a lovely day" are all incredibly lucky that i'm too knackered to punch them in the face.

and my idiot ex who upon finding out i am taking dd on holiday next week said "it's not fair, i never get to spend time with her on holiday"

and all the people who tell me how strong i am are clearly too stupid to realise that i'm not actually feeling very strong at all anymore.

jamestkirk · 12/08/2010 21:57

unlikelyamazonian - thank you :) - i rarely tell anyone anything about life as a single parent. and its a long time since i felt the way you do, tho i still remember those days. have had a couple of amazing gfs over the years that made my ex pale into insignificance.

and yellowishpurple - happy birthday :o!!

yellowishpurple · 12/08/2010 22:09

aah, thanks james. smiling now!