any advice on getting over a broken heart and starting life again

[sanchpanch]

my dp left me 2 months ago, i have 2 girls age 7 and 2 years,
I am finding it increadably hard to move on, how do i even begin to get over this heartache the pain inside me is unbearable, i obviously have to carry on for the girls but i find it so hard i just want to curl up and die,
He hasnt left me for anyone else, but i am sure he will meet someone in the future, how do i deal with this i cant bear the thought of him with someone else.
any advise kindly appreciated. thanks

I can't offer any advice, but do sympathise, I can guess it must be hard for you.

Do you have any friends where you are? What about arranging a few days out just to keep you busy?

Sorry to hear you are still feeling so low, I know exactly what you are going through, dp left me 4 weeks ago now. I am finding it easier to not allow myself to think about him (or his "friend" that he is already sharing a flat with). This isn't easy, believe me I know, but I can't allow myself to think about it because I physically vomit. I have rearranged every room in the house just so it doesn't feel like "our" home, and I have found the website "soyou'vebeendumped.com" has been really helpful, especially when I have been tempted to call him. I too keep thinking about him being with someone else and it rips me apart, but I also know it is inevitable if it hasn't happened already. Then I keep thinking that whatever happens I am the person who gave birth to his first child and no-one can ever replace that. Please keep posting on here whenever you need a chat, I am going away for a few days on Monday for a break, but I will check in as soon as I am back!!

try not to think about him with someone else - think about yourself and how fantastic you are for coping on a day to day basis. it must be heartbreaking, but he will be missing your kids like crazy and it is very early days. Don't think long-term. Short-term is enough to be getting on with. You're doing a good job, and as they say, asking for help is the first stage of recovery xx

thanks for replies, i do have friends i am suppose to be going out tonight (but dont feel up to it) my dad has just picked up the girls for the night,
I know i need to go out,
The thought of him sharing special times with someone else ties me in knots,
I guess i feel guilt because i think i pushed him away in the end, before we met i was in very abusive relationship and i guess i have never delt with that, And i always kept dp at arms distance scared of getting to close etc,etc, i think he just had enough in the end, although i am willing to change and get help to save our family, he isnt, and this is hard to accept that he isnt willing to fight to save our family,

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Ex said I was insecure and he felt trapped because I would question him if he was home late etc. I feel incredible guilt that ds won't have a "normal" family life now, won't have brothers and sisters and immense anger at ex that he won't give me a chance to change and can just walk away without even trying to salvage anything. I find this very selfish as he doesn't seem to worry about the effect it will have on ds as he grows up. What part of the country are you in?

sanchpanch I totally understand how u r feeling and what u r going thru my now dh left me around 3 years ago when our eldest was 4 and youngest was 3 months as I had PND and he did not understand, we split for 4 months and he was said he was never coming back I was devastated but I got through each day and had 2 get on with life as best I could and just as I thought I was starting 2 accept the situation we got back together as he realised what he had done was wrong and we have had 2 more children since. What I am trying to say is that there is always hope, and you never know what might happen, and although its hard as time goes on you will become that little bit stronger. Take care of you and your children

hi there
i posted a few months ago saying pretty much the same as you. how on earth could i make the pain go away... most people said to me just a matter of time... times a healer
IT IS SOOO TRUE
take as much family support as you can. tell people you are finding it hard and ask for help, most will only be too pleased to
i found getting out and about really, really important. weekends always seem hard so i plan stuff in advance, meet up with other mums (esp mums on their own with kids) and get out to park, farm etc

sometimes as a mum it can be hard to remember who we were before we had kids. what things did you like doing? try and find some hobbies/. oh and going to the gym not only made me feel loads better but you get to eye up men and feel better about yourself physically

most areas have community education classes starting in september - round here it ranges from pottery, learning languages, design, dressmaking (and we are in the sticks)

keep busy but allow yourself time to "grieve" too

and stay on here - lots of support

thanks so much for your kind words, benbenandme, i live in milton keynes, there doesnt seem to be many mumsnetters around this area, I do have lots of support though, but the evenings are hard when the girls go to bed, and that used to be our special time together,
I wouldnt want to be without the girls but i am angry that he can leave and start a new life,

The hardest thing is that he is a genuinly nice bloke, (and a fireman!!!!) I really cant believe he has done this, At the moment i am trying to give him some space, for the first 6 weeks i just continually phoned him crying, if he came to see girls i would just sit sobbing and begging him to come back, and he hated seeing me in the pain, my counseller (who has been brill, but only got 2 sessions left, as its through the NHS) suggested changing my behaviour as she felt the more i went on at him the further away i was pushing him, but i felt scared that if i didnt tell him how i felt he wouldnt know, But i have definetely told him enough now, i am drained from telling him, And he says he cant come back just because i am asking him to, he says it has to be him that comes and says, "lets do it". I havent heard from him now for a week, and i havent phoned or txted him, which i am quite proud of,
I also feel sorry for him cause i do believe that he is the biggest loser out of this and he will regret it one day, but i guess there is nothing i can do about that,
This weekend was better, went out saturday night, then for a picnic on sunday with the girls and some friends,

thanks also for the website, benbenandme, i have had a look on there, and its nice to know others are feeling same, and it does get easier,

Hi SanchPanch, I'm a single mum to dd aged 3. I live very near MK, I think I posted on another thread I'd be up for an MK meet-up.

Also there is a few of us lone parents who talk over email (we haven't got round to meeting as a group yet though) we had all posted on netmums.

It's good that you're getting out, time really does heal!

my ex left me for a 16 year old girl last year and I had months and months of lies and promises that it was all over and he would come back to us. Well he never did and he and this girl are still together.

I have been through hell and back because of it, he's been a right bastard over the house and her. The thought of her and him together used to tear me in two and i still feel a bit odd now mainly because she is very stunning to look at and far better looking than me which has done wonders for my self confidence.

We were together 9 years and have a ds5 and a dd3. When I found out and he left I felt my heart and soul had been ripped out, I couldn't eat properly for months and I lost a lot of weight. I struggled to get out although I did. My parents helped me out and my friends were fantastic.

After the initial shocking 6 months I started going out again, meeting blokes and this year I've felt better than ever (apart from feeling unnatractive (i've got vitilgo on my face). As the months go by I find myself not caring so much about my ex and his little bimbo bitch. A month ago I started going out with a lad I worked with who I fancied for months and I feel great.
In fact we bumped into my ex her and my kids yesterday in town and the look on my ex's face was priceless, and as for me I didn't feel much at all.

What i'm trying to say is that it does take time and you have to give yourself time to grieve. I didn't think I would ever move on or find some one else to love but I have.

Your ex may or may not come back to you but at least you will be able to hold your head up high and show him that you can live a life without him and you will find the strength to carry on for you and your children

All the best x

Thanks for all your support it means so much to me, feel not bad today but i havent heard from dp for nearly a week, and i always feel better when i dont hear from him, no doubt he will call closer to the weekend..

MascaraOhara where abouts does the mk meet up take place?

think thats one of the hardest things, when you have kids with someone, you have to keep seeing them.

try to get out as much as reasonably possible, with kids and also maybe a couple girly nights out. (doesnt have to be a pub, meals are good it gives you all a chance to talk and laugh) dont torture yourself with images of him with anyone else, or what could have been, or what you would have done differently etc etc. move your furniture round, make it look different from when he was there, put reminders of him in a box and put them away (any little gifts or any object with memories attached to it that may be lying around), have a cry when you feel like it too.

it will get easier, you wont realise maybe for months but one day you will suddenly think "im actually ok now".

i have a few photos of us up all together, i really want to take them down, but dont know whether to leave them up for the girls, also i dont want him to see i have taken them down and think i dont care about him anymore, although he should do as i have told him over and over again!!

There hasn't been an MK Meet since I've been posting (that Ive seen) but here are a few people from around this area (MK, Bedford Luton) so maybe we should try and arrange one.

that would be good, i live in Emerson Valley, but i do have a car so i am able to drive....

Hi

Just to let you know that i am going through exactly what you are ! My DH is moving out tomorrow. We have been together 12 yrs and have 2 DD's - 2 yrs and 8 months - he says I have "abused" him for the last 2 years - as I was (long story short) according to him neurotic about our eldest daughter (colds, spots etc etc), jealous of my MIL (who stayed with us for a yr - while I worked and was away from home 3 nights a week - whilst pregnant !!!) So although I am no longer any of these things (which i think were all understandable given the circumstances) he wants to move out as he says we have drifted apart and he needs space to fall back in love. So I am HURTING !!!!! Altho he is saying that this our best chance I just believe deep down that its the end as you dont just walk out on your problems you work at them ! Anyway so i am in the same boat as I thought he was my soulmate and yet he just istn prepared to try.

Sounds like there are a lot of us around. I have been married for 12 years - my dh left me 10 months ago with two dd's who are now 3 and 1. I did all the begging, crying etc. I then turned it around and was nice to him - he came back for 8 wks - but dropped it into the conversation that he had been keeping in touch with his ex for the last 8 years of our marriage behind my back. He made no attempt whatsoever at making things better in the marriage even though he lived back in the house and drove me potty with his behaviour - I was utterly paranoid that he was still keeping in touch with his ex and in the end asked him to leave after finding texts from her. He came back far too soon - he nor I was ready for him to come back. He is now forcing me to divorce him (the only way I can get money out of him!) and I am very angry about this as I don't want to divorce him - I think it should be him divorcing me as he was the one that wanted out of the marriage. It too tears me apart the thought of him being with another woman and that my dd's may eventually call her "mum" too - I would rather kill myself than that happen at the minute!

I also can't cope with the fact that I now have to share them - he took NO part whatsoever in their lives when he was at home and says he thinks he's a better part time dad! I just cant bear the thought of him being near us and I'm getting really worked up. I have made it so that contact is only every other weekend but for the whole week before he is due to come, I'm depressed and crying uncontrollably and I just don't know what to do! He wants to now take them away for days out and weekends away - but I just can't do it! Why should I have to? Everyone tells me it's best for the dd's to have contact - but on previous visits he just sits on the sofa and lets them jump on him for an hour and then he voluntarily leaves. What a great dad?! I know I'm going to have to let him take the dd's away at some point but it is tearing me apart and surely that's not in the best interests of the dd's if their mother is a wreck, depressed and shouts more etc the week leading up to him coming? I just don't know how to cope with this.

I know time heals -I'm great when he's not around I move on and feel a much better person, although I do have my relapses where I still e-mail/text him to come back, can we try again - can't believe he can leave his dd's etc. The feelings of guilt of maybe it being my fault he left - how will I explain this to the dd's when they are old enough to ask etc? But he totally ignores me like I don't even exist!

The only man I ever loved and trusted who was so wonderful at the beginning, has turned into such a selfish nasty man! I too can't understand how he can walk out on his dd's and then pretend he is such a wonderful caring father now he's gone??!! I don't think I'll ever trust another man again - he was the nicest man I have ever met and never in a million years thought he would do this to me and especially not now we have children!

What is it all about? What do they want?

Gosh it all sounds so familiar - especially the bit about being a better part time dad - i think its just to make them feel better and less guilty about what they have done !!!! My DH was also wonderful to start with - where has he gone ? My DH wont let me tell anyone he has left he says its because he is trying to make it better by going away - i.e. he "needs his space !" and that is the only way he will come back and fall back in love with me and if i tell people it wil make it harder to come back - I think its just becos he feels so guilty about it and the thought of people thinking he has walked out on 2 small kids and wife makes him sick - but imo if he cant handle the consequences of what hes done then he shouldnt have done it ! Yet here i am covering for him with our friends .... we are definatley the stronger sex !!!

having said all that i am feeling so strong today - we have had a horrible last 5 months with me trying so so hard to make it work and him being luke warm to me and downright rude sometimes and saying v v hurtful things - so now he has gone it is a bit of a relief and I can move on - its lonely but i think i deserve better than what he has to offer me and my dd's right now ! I have booked a last minute holiday for me and my two girls and so we are away for 3 nights over the weekend - havent told DH and if he does bother to contact us and find out how we are we wont be here !!!!

PS - I also think its all got to do with him not being able to cope with the changes to life that small kids bring - its such hard work all that bathing and temper tantrums etc etc and he has just not been able to cope with the change and is blaming me for it all - becos thats easier than admitting that he cant cope with the change ! I think women cope much better with the change than men. Thats my amateur psychoanalysis of whats going on in his mind and maybe other guys i dont know ! I know I am opening myself up to being critized for being sexist ..but i think i am allowed to given my circumstances right now !

you poor thing, i know exactly how you feel,
the thing that i find hard to accept, is that we have never had anything like this before happen to us, and he doesnt even want to try and sort it out,
He may be starting to crumnble though..... yesterday he was here and he told me he really misses me, and that it doesnt help his feelings when he comes here and i look more and more attractive everytime, i thought to myself ,,you havent seeen anything yet...!!!
he keeps saying to me he cant come back out of pity because it wouldnt work he has to come back because he 100% wants to and i feel the same if he came back out of pity i would be treading on egg shells all the time, and that would be awfull,
I dont know where all this will end but i am certainly feeling stronger and i am starting a relate course called new life new challenge..

I agree its hard to accept that he just wont try. For me this is when "for better for worse" kicks in (except for him it seems to be for better for worse except if its really bad !) I am glad you are feeling stronger sandpanch.....and that he has noticed that you look good ..!! I had a nice weekend away with the girls - except for one blip - DH found out I was away and moved back in for 2 nights (to avoid staying in a B&B) - he phoned to tell me and I said I wasnt too comfortable about it - which p*ed him off as in his logical brain it makes sense that if I am not there he should stay in the house to avoid the cost of the B&B - but emotionally it doesnt make sense as whats the point of moving out if you move back when it suites - anyway i capitulated (as usual) but not after I had made 4 (yes 4!!!) calls to him to ask him why he was cross with me and to explain why I felt like i did ! I am cross with myself because i said i wasnt going to phone him and be all needy etc etc etc and I wouldnt have if it wasnt for his call to me ! Its how hard and cold he is to me that i find hard to accept and it upsets me - and that prompts me to phone back to try and get some kind of positive message from him . But I have learned my lesson now and will just expect the cold shoulder and then I wont be as hurt and hopefully wont make all those calls !

hiya i have had a bad few days, he was supposed to have girls this weekend, but cancelled, because he said he needed some time alone to think (wish i got some of that!!)
dont know what he wants to think about because he left us and thats what he wants to do,
I phoned him last night he didint answer and have been ringing today but no reply,
If i didnt start ringing then i would be fine but if i get no reply my mind starts to race and i keep ringing and ringing so i know how you feel,
I have stopped begging him to come back no although i want to , but i do truly feel that if he knows i am here waiting he will carry on regardles, i feel that he needs to see me strong and getting on with my life rather than waiting for him, i feel thats the best chance i have at him coming back and like he tells me he cant come back just cause i am begging him to, but i also worry that if i dont tell him how much i want him etc.. he will think i dont care anymore, but thats silly because i have told him over and over and feel drained from it all, it is all down to him now, what do you think?
He is such a nice bloke i never thought he would leave me to bring up girls alone, and the thought of our girls with another man would kill him ... but he has and i am really struggling on my own

Been through all the same things you are going through now - I'm 10 months down the line and one minute I'm strong, the next I'm a weeping wreck! My dh came back to me for 8 weeks - I worked so hard at making it better. He did sweet FA to make the marriage get back on track - thought that giving me a kiss when he came home from work was enough to make me happy! After throwing him out for various reasons it all came out that he only came back because he was missing the dd's and not at all for me.

I still make the mistake of texting him and e-mailing him every now and again to ask him why he can't just try once more for the sake of the dd's but get ignored every single time - wont reply to any of them or talk to me on the phone! The only time he will speak to me is if he wants to see the dd's or he wants something else for himself!

I really am getting so fed up with the whole process and I am actually beginning to really hate him. Yes, i'd still have him back if he was willing to put in 110%, but could I trust him not to walk out on us again at the drop of a hat like he did the first time? The answer is NO! Could I trust him not to keep secrets (kept keeping in contact with his ex for most of our marriage a secret) - the answer is NO! Do I love or forgive a man who walks out on his kids without even giving the marriage a real go - the answer is NO. He didn't just walk out on me because he didn't love me - that's acceptable (although I still believe the marriage wasn't bad enough to give up on especially with children involved - we had no more problems than anyone else). It's the fact that he has walked out on his responsibilities of being a full-time father that gets to me the most. Men just can't hack it can they!

I also have good and bad days - what keeps me going is a few sayings I have which i repeat to myself on bad days - e.g. "Dump the lump" (he's the lump) and "If you are weak during a crisis you are truly weak" which you can interpret two ways - one we must be strong now and two DH is weak for not being able to try now when the chips are down !

Havent heard from him and dont expect to until the weekend when he sees dd's. Will NOT phone him/text him. I know what you mean about wanting to play it cool and show you are moving on and also wanting him to know you are still there and love him. I have the added dilema that i told him I was going to move on and see other people (which of course I wont as its the last thing i want now - another male !!!) but now i am dead scared that he is going to do the same - becos after all i told him i was going to !!!!!! so it is my fault if he does. But I reckon if he does then he always was going to and he should also know me better by now and know i was just hurting when i said that. SO I think that the best thing for us all to do is let them go and for us to move on or try to - i think our moving on is the only thing that will bring them back - us sitting around waiting for them will just push them away even further. So heres to the new and improved friendly but cool polite and lady like and just a bit mysterious us !!!