any advice on getting over a broken heart and starting life again

[sanchpanch]

my dp left me 2 months ago, i have 2 girls age 7 and 2 years,
I am finding it increadably hard to move on, how do i even begin to get over this heartache the pain inside me is unbearable, i obviously have to carry on for the girls but i find it so hard i just want to curl up and die,
He hasnt left me for anyone else, but i am sure he will meet someone in the future, how do i deal with this i cant bear the thought of him with someone else.
any advise kindly appreciated. thanks

Girls advice please ! DH coming round tomorrow to see girls. My MIL arriving Sunday for 3 weeks staying with me as DH not got a place yet. He phoned last night and said we need to think about what we do while his mum is here. I had said to him the night before he moved out that maybe I could go away for the odd weekend while she is here and he could stay here with the girls and his mum. BUT now that he has gone I have changed my mind and there is no way I am going to do this. Any advice on what to say to him when he asks me to do this ? I think I am just going to say no I had planned a visit to London but the person I was going to see is now coming up here (true) and I dont want to move out. Dont want to P**s him off and be unreasonable. I am prepared for him to come and see his mum and the girls whenever he wants while she is here - I could stick to every second weekend but will be flexible while she is here - thats good enough isnt it ?

I would say what you already have in mind - that your friend is coming to see you.

Sorry, (negative side coming out and presuming you are in the marital home?) - is he likely to "move back in" and not let you back in? EVERYONE has told me whatever happens don't move out and let him back in?!

How are relations between you all - I know when my dh and MIL are together they tend to gang up on me and make me feel unwelcome in my own home! More so because he has totally dished the dirt on me to her. How pathetic!

Will you all be spending time together "as a family?" like nothing has really happened? I hope that's not too difficult for you.

Don't know what your access arrangements are at the minute, but I know at the beginning when I let dh see the dd's as often as he pleased - eldest dd was extremely confused and kept asking him "when he was coming home?!" It was very upsetting for her. I now do once every two weeks - don't know if this is good or bad but I think dd has a routine now and appears to be more settled. It's really difficult isn't it. Don't know whether seeing the dd's more often brought dh back the first time as he missed them so much or whether not seeing them so much will break his heart more?

I'm awful at making decisions - I usually say something and then think about it afterwards and want to change my mind!

Sorry, not much help am I - maybe the others can advise you better.

Good luck, hope everything goes well for you.

Thanks for advice. Was out last night with a girlfriend and have a hangover - which will prob make me seem less desperate to DH today when he fetches DD's. Left the two wine glasses in the sink so he can wonder who I was with . AAArgh - sore head and up with dd2 already !

MIL is great and supportive altho will prob tell me to just be patient and wait for him to come right ! Not sure what its going to be like over next 3 weeks with MIL and DH and DD's BUT do know that I am still hurt and angry with him for the things he said and did in the last 5 months - which is good as will make me cool to him!!!

geegeesmum, I am sorry you are going through this but do not go away, leaving your home with him, your children and his mother there. It could cause you endless problems. People one thought one once knew can do the most surprising and desperate things in such situations. ANd on a very basic level do you really trust him and if not would you let anyone else stay in your home without you if you didn't trust them?

Glad you are getting out and enjoying yourself.

I let him have as much access as he wanted - then we agreed certain days and I wrote it down on a calender so that the girls knew - altho doubt it made any sense to them really. He would see them three nights a week but had to leave by 6:45 when I came back from work - we had a nannhy - and all Saturday morning and from 5pm on Sundays to put them to bed, oh he put them to bed on Mondays as well. Those nights were based around my ballet/gym things. WE used to go away a lot to visit friends at w/ends hence the strange times. He also occasionally stayed overnight when I went out. I never really spoke to him when he came round. Not sure if it was good/bad for the girls. But they really missed him and it felt like the right thing to do. The girls never stayed at his house, but after eight months I reluctantly agreed that they could meet his gf, which was very hard for me. Re the divorce I had three meetings with my solicitor but never issued anything in writing. Sorry re long post.

Hi Sykes - more questions - hope I'm not being too nosey? Dh used to see them a couple of nights in the week to put them to bed and then usually couple of hours on saturday (he was usually busy sundays and only stays max 1 and half hours on sat - his choice! Crap at entertaining them! Says he's bored and wants to take them out!)In his solicitors letter he wanted access every other weekend when I move, and as eldest dd seemed very upset after his visits, I reduced it to this amount of time to get her used to the routine she will be in. I only let him see them for 4 hours on saturday at the moment although will be all day when I move up north. He wants them overnight!But think I've already explained reasons for not wanting this - distance etc. Do you think he doesn't see them enough to miss being with us?

Was your dh's access 5 nights in total and saturday morning? Bit confused! Did he take them away from the house on the saturday? Did he continue all this access all the time he was with his new gf?

Most importantly was your dh a hands on father before he left? My dh did NOTHING! - oh sorry, may have changed a couple of nappies and put them to bed occasionally.

Please don't answer my questions if you don't want to. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I just don't know how to play this in the hope he may want to come back in the future (if I still want him back then). But then maybe I really do have to face up to the fact this is the end because of the divorce going through? Some people get back after divorce though don't they?

geegeesmum - hope things are going well for you.

I kind of think the less access the more they miss but not 100%sure about this one

I still havent heard from my ex since i found out on wednesday he was seeing someone else, he is totally gutless, it makes me think that maybe he didnt want me to find out, but did he really expect no one to tell me, I am really starting to hate him he just isnt the person i thought i was with he has been so cold, all he said when i phoned him was so what if i am seeing someone else... the person i was with would never have spoke to me like this,

So i have emailed him to detail that i will be dropping girls off to him on friday at 5.00 and he can drop back on sunday at 5.00

He has had them a few times since he left but more often than not has said he wants some space so i end up keeping them because i think give him the space and he may decide to come back, how wrong was i all he was doing was spending time with her to see how it worked out, before he made final decision,

Not sure if i would take him back now but guess i can never say never, seems to me he prob went with the first girl that showed him small bit of attention, like lots of men!!

But i would love him to ask to come back and i would make him suffer for this, i guess i would want to try again for the sake of girls but it would be hard especially now someone else is involved,

Hi sanchpanch

My dh is also so "cold" with all his comments - think it's their way of dealing with things. I don't know who this man is at the minute - definitely not the one I married - most of his friends can't believe it either! Think he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis!

We all know it's exciting when you meet someone new for the first time, the butterflies, the anticipation, the excitement etc. but that more often than not dwindles doesn't it???!!

Why do they go through marriage thinking they don't have to put in any effort? They just seem to give up and think the answer is to leave and move on to someone new (straight away! - like a conveyor belt really!) Makes me very sad and angry that they can just switch off! Even more sad when they wont even try to keep the family together - like it doesn't really matter to them!

Maybe a few laws should be changed to make it harder for them just to move on - they may think twice then! They seem to be able to do just as they please - get married, get bored, F"ck up family life and leave, meet someone else, enjoy their new found freedom, and get to see the kids without having full responsibility! Great life for the men - while we have to pick ourselves up, pick up the pieces they leave behind and start all over with lots of stress and worry in the process.

Do you think it makes any difference my dh not really being "hands-on" - not sure if that is just because he's not really a baby person or just because he's so under-confident! I made the mistake of never forcing him to undertake any of the tasks!

Would you prefer me to cat you rather than me ask questions for all to see? Lots of questions just to try and work things out in my head really.

hi everyone, i am sat hear crying my eyes out, so i am posting instead of ringing him,

I just feel so low, and unhappy, i guess i will get days like this. my friend has spoke to him today the one who told me about him and her, she wanted to clear air because so has heard he felt bad on her for telling me.

He told her it has only been going on a couple of weeks with new girl,

I want to ring him and tell him how much i am hurting but i know if i do i will regret it, and then he will know i am still her for him and the best thing i can do is rise above it, because everyone wants what they cant have and that is my only chance of him coming back, he will obviously have his fun if he knows i am here waiting for him,

Just dont know how i will ever move on from this,
i feel so low

How can he not want to work at us yet wants to start a new relationship...

just read this thought you may like it

What is freely supplied to me
i shudder at
But if aught is denied me I long for that
with constant mind
She who's effusive
I flee
The girls who's elusive
Suits me

I wasnt sure what effusive meant but it means giving or involving excessive emotional expresion-gushing

Sanchpanch - understand exactly what you are going through - going through exactly the same feelings myself. Didn't know I could cry so many tears! Try to be strong and DONT run after him - I keep making that mistake and it just isn't working! He knows he's got me exactly where he wants me! He knows I never go out, and cant afford to go out! He knows I am always at home etc. I am trying to turn everything around - I don't always answer the phone to him when he calls now, it has been a while since I have phoned/e-mailed him and I'm really pleased with myself. He actually phoned ME yesterday even if it was only to ask how the dd's were! Wonder if he is missing them enough to come back yet? Think it's still too soon. I'm hoping (like Sykes dh) that they go off and do their own thing and then realise the grass isn't always greener and realise they've made big mistake. But tbh don't know if I could handle thought of him being with someone else? Only time will tell. I do know one thing though that he came back much to early the first time - we both weren't ready for various reasons to get back together. He hadn't sorted his head out to know what he truly wants and I couldn't get over his lies about his ex!

I have really BAD days and the odd good day still (to the point I think about ending it all - that's how bad my BAD days are!) but the good days I try and keep positive and think about what I want out of life. When I eventually move away from all the reminders of him in OUR house, then things will be a lot easier I hope. I then want to go back to college and retrain for a different job (if I can fit it around the dd's) and try and achieve things for ME! My turn to be selfish - I've had 13 years of doing everything for HIM and that was a big mistake!

If you want to CAT me, please do. It sounds as though we have a lot in common at the minute!

Please take care and keep cheerful - I know it's really hard.

Sandpanch - thinking of you. Try not to phone him - I am sure he knows you are hurt and maybe he will wonder more and feel more guilty if you don't phone ?

I am enjoying time with my MIL. My update - DH asked me if I was seeing someone else already because i was acting like it. He asked me about the 2 wine glasses I had left deliberately in the sink - hah hah - and i admitted that me and my GIRLfriend had been out the night before. then i took the opportunity to tell him i was not in a great rush to meet someone else cos I deserved more than just the first guy who came along ...there is someone out there for me who will be the right person and I am doing myself a diservice to rush into something ! He said well thats not what you said before and i said that was cos I was angry. He also asked if he could move back in this week while his mum is here (he is sleeping in his car !!!!) and i said no not until its what both of us want and right now i dont think either of us are there yet !

So maybe the cool but friendly act is working - too soon to tell..I dont think this mess is going to sort itself out quickly at all...and altho there are some positive signs I am not getting my hopes up as he is still talking about buying himself a flat to live in and he still has some serious issues to work out and i can still remember all the hurtful things he said to me ! he is here now upstairs talking on the phone to someone about a flight for himself back to SA for his sisters wedding and if he thought he wanted me back he would be thinking of flights for all of us - so i am not hoping too much just enjoying being back in control just a teeny teeny bit !

Well done geegeesmum! You sound really strong at the minute - keep up the good work!

I'm glad that you aren't clinging to the small things that look as though he will come back - you seem to be looking at the bigger picture ie "the flight thing" etc - yes, he would be thinking about taking you all if that was the way forward! It's all the niggley negatives pointing to him still wanting his own space that you need to look at. I clung to the wrong things and it got us no-where!

Keep us posted of how things are going.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today sanchpanch?

Hello all,

Have been reading all the posts recently and thought it was about time I added one! I am in the same boat as you Sanchpanch and Loulounz, its been 2 months now since dp went, and its constant up/downs; one minute we seem to be getting on ok, then we go back to square 1. I bought a book by Relate today about sorting out problems in your relationship when you have got to the point of separating, (can't afford the counselling sessions), and everything in it makes sense and is so relevant to us, and like you Sanchpanch, I just want him to at least TRY and save the relationship! I don't see anything that can't be solved in our situation but he won't even consider trying. It's heartbreaking when I look at ds (2 yrs, I just feel like we are totally failing him and it could all be worked on and possibly sorted out if he was just prepared to try!!! Aaagh!!

Hi Benbenandme - welcome to the thread.

I think that's the main thing we are all thinking about isn't it - the fact that they won't even consider "trying" to keep the relationship together for the sake of the children! I know I would give ANYTHING to keep my family together, but men just aren't like us are they.

I just hope my dd's are not affected by this long-term. I never knew my dad and I think it's contributed to how I am and feel now. I will do things differently to my mum by giving dh access but I still feel that the dd's will go through the insecurities of not having their real father full-time in their lives. Only time will tell I suppose.

morning all,
I got an email yesterday from him to say how sorry he is that he has hurt me so much, he feels so bad about it that he cant even talk to me, he also said he would phone me in the evening, but i txted him back saying not to because i am to upset to talk to him, he will obviously try and explain to me about his and her relationship but to be honest i really dont want to know it will kill me and this is what i told him,

I will se him on friday evening when i drop girls off to him, but i am just going to drop them and leave, I dont want to get upset with him, at the end of the day he knows how much i am hurting, and i have been crying to him for the past 2 months and it hasnt made any difference,

I am still hoping his new relationship will make him realise what he had with us, and miss us although i am not sure if this is possible because obviously he will be enjoying the start of a new relationship as everyone does, but we all know that doesnt last forever.

I dont even know if we could get back together after all this it would be very difficult but i am sure i would want to try even if it was just for the girls,

Hope you are all feeling ok..

Loulou - sorry not to have replied earlier Feel free to ask any questions - don't mind if it's here/via CAT. I got masses of support here when my h left, mnet can be a great place to offload.

Hi everyone, Update from me is that MIL spoke to DH and she says that her perception is that he just needs space and doesnt want a divorce. Yes well thats fine but am I just supposed to wait around or what and I am also remembering the advice you gave me Loulounz re hanging on to the positve titbits - I cant afford to get my hopes up and then get hurt yet again !!! Anyway I am still doing fine altho its hard seeing him everyday and listening to him on the phone trying to sort out his accomodation problem - i.e. phoning for flats to rent etc...but am keeping busy with MIl and DD's. I hope you are all doing ok and keeping as strong as you can - sanchpanch I will think of you on Friday dropping off the kids - just try to be lady like and cool with him - maybe what he needs is to see you accepting things and moving on ?????? Benbenandme welcome to the thread....gosh there aqre lots of us out there!

Hi geegeesmum

When dh and I were talking the first time he left - he told me he needed space and actually said he didn't know if or when he would come back and whether that time frame would be months or YEARS!!!!! I'm sorry, but do they think that we will hang around forever?! I know all our situations are different but they all seem to have the same basic elements - and we each have to find the right ways to deal with them.

Hope everything works out for the rest of you - think it's too late for me, but there's still a small part of me hoping!

Loulou, hope you'reo okay, am up for a bit if you want to chat - my sister is calling from San Francisco. So will be up for a while - it's my b'day on Saturday and she's in London so trying to sort out the logistics.

Sykes how did your husband approach you when he wanted to come back did you make him beg?

Do you think we are best to play it cool, rather than continue the begging/crying, were you begging? or did you show him you were moving on with your life,

I want him to know how much i am hurting and upset but i feel that i have been doing that for the past 2 months and he hasnt changed his mind, and i also feel that if he knows i am there waiting he will continue on his merry way as he knows i am there for him,

ARRGGHHH wish i had a crystal ball

Hi Not a good day for me had a setback - did something i am not proud of - checked his phone and there are some texts from a girl at work - innocent stuff but he has obv seen her a few times and been sms'ing. So i tackled him about it and we just had a big "discussion" about how he still wants his space and after today doesnt want to come back EVER as he is irritated etc etc and he does want to be able to see others and its fine if I do too and if its supposed to happen it will and I should go back to SA as he doesnst want to see me and then Ill have support...so I am in tears and my heart is breaking and its my MIL's fault as she got my hopes up !!!! well its not really her fault but I really wish I hadnt checked his phone and said anything ! What do I do ???? I guess just get strong again and show him I am ok and independent ???

Hello all,

Had horrendous night - dd up most of the night screaming her head off and walking round and round her bedroom in a state. I'm absolutely exhausted and at my wits end - wanted to end it all again! But I've perked up a little and tried really hard not to lose it today in the hope she sleeps better tonight. This is when I really get angry and don't want him back - she hasn't slept through the night since he left and it breaks my heart to see what this is doing to her!

Sorry Sykes, went straight to bed after my last posting, so obviously couldn't chat. Hope you have a great birthday Saturday and a wonderful time with your sister. Will have a chat when you get back.

Sanchpanch - get on with your life as much as you can - that's what everyone tells me - know it's really hard to do though. I am hurting still like you but I also get stronger in not running after him any more - no more texts/e-mails etc. The only time I talk to him now is when he phones to ask when he can see the dd's. Wish we could see into the future, it would make it so much easier. Nothing we do will entice them back - they have to come of their own accord and for the right reasons. Some of us may end up lucky and get what we want, others will have to move on and hope for a much better future.

Geegeesmum - been there, done that! Its so hard not to check the phone isn't it. We do, and then we regret it because we don't like what we find. I found "unacceptable" texts to his ex - and this was when he was convincing me he wanted to come back!! He saw no harm in some of the texts swearing that she was only a friend! Why do they do it - do they think we are really stupid? My dh hit the roof when I approached him and I got exactly the same reaction - they just turn everything round and make you out to be the bad one! I did get some harsh comments from Mumsnetters - some saying no way should I have looked at his phone etc, but I think being his wife and having "niggling" doubts, that I had every right to check his phone - and what I suspected seemed to be all confirmed by what I read! Even if they were innocent - they were not acceptable to me in my marriage! And why should I go through the rest of my marriage with secrets and lies? That was the only way I was going to find out - he wasn't going to admit anything!

I don't think you should beat yourself up about looking - I think you need to know the truth about what is going on, even if it does hurt! They all seem to want their cake and eat it - go off and do exactly as they please while good old wifey stays at home with the kids begging them to come back, so they feel they can walk back in whenever they please.

Come on girls, lets stick together, get strong and show them what we are made of!

WE DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!