any advice on getting over a broken heart and starting life again

[sanchpanch]

my dp left me 2 months ago, i have 2 girls age 7 and 2 years,
I am finding it increadably hard to move on, how do i even begin to get over this heartache the pain inside me is unbearable, i obviously have to carry on for the girls but i find it so hard i just want to curl up and die,
He hasnt left me for anyone else, but i am sure he will meet someone in the future, how do i deal with this i cant bear the thought of him with someone else.
any advise kindly appreciated. thanks

ps - wish we could meet up - it would help to have a group of other single mums to see every week - all i seem to see when I am out is happy families which hurts .....cant understand why my DH has left us yet all these other DH's/DP's are staying !

Hiya.....

Yes i agree with the pushing them away, i work for the Nhs and have been lucky enough to get 5 free counselling sessions which have been fantastic, one thing that really stuck with me was she put 2 hands in the air and one hand (me) was saying to the other(him) please come back, ill change, we can make it work etc.... and the other hand was moving futher and further away, so she told me i need to draw back and change my behaviour and then the other hand may draw back in, (in other words if what your doing isnt working then changing your behaviour is the only hope!!) - hope that makes sense its hard to explain it in writing..

So that is what i am doing no more crying to him, plus i think i am getting fine lines on my eyes from all the crying!!!

I have told him over and over how i feel so he knows, i am not doing it anymore, plus the rejection i get from him when i ask him back is devastating and soul destroying,

I have enroled on a relate course thats called new life new challenge, it £60.00 for 7 weeks each week is 3 hour session, and its for people just broken up etc, i do find that it helps me talking to people that are going through similar as at the time you feel like your the only one going through it...

All the best to you, let me know how you are? by the way i live in Milton Keynes (not many mumsnetters round here) and i know how you feel about the families they are everywhere i look, but you never know what goes on behing closed doors,

as Sienna Miller said, what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger!!!!

Geegeesmum - I tried the I'm going to see other people and it backfired on me - he now has a girlfriend - so in effect I gave him the go ahead! But like you also said they would do it anyway! I can't even contemplate being with someone else at the minute - that's the last thing I want to do jumping straight into another relationship! How do they do it? They seem so heartless! I think it proves that women can survive on their own and are very strong and men are just weak and have to be looked after all the time!

Sanchpanch - good luck with the counselling - I'm hoping to get some when I eventually move - don't have anyone to look after dd's for me here. Think the change of behaviour could work in some cases but think my dh is too selfish and stubborn at the minute to even notice a change in me! It would just make his life a lot easier if I was nicer to him! I find the anger in me helps me to distance myself and stop me from still loving him and wanting him back and then texting etc all the time. The good thing about changed behaviour is the fact it helps you to be more positive and move on with your life - whether he comes back or not!

I have family in MK, although don't come across very often, but maybe we could get together if and when I do?

Had a bad day today - visited a friend who has just had her second DS and she and her DH are so happy and he is so supportive and while I am happy for her - it made me feel physically ill to be there to see what they have! I like the idea of the hands talking to each other - tried it today and my DD thought it was such fun and copied me...it helped to focus on what I need to do (and not do). I am in Perth in Scotland and all my family is in South Africa - so it is very . Perversely my MIL is coming over to stay with me for 3 weeks this Sunday and heaven knows what is going to happen then - she thinks he has gone mad as well and is an absolute honey so I am just thanking my lucky stars for her right now and the company...although he doesnt want to talk to her for fear of being lectured by yet another woman !!! Loulounz you have scared me now - re seeing other people - do you think I need to tell him I didnt mean it - or will that just make me seem desperate !

well bad news girls, my friend came round tonight and told me my ex was at a bbq with another girl on saturday after he dropped out of having our daught this weekend!!
feel totally empty but hopefully be able to use it to move me on because there would be no going back fo me now..... its a horrible feeling though

I am so sorry sanchpanch - so much for time alone to think ! Was he definately with this girl ? You sound strong but I know it hurts and I will be thinking of you ! Hopefully you can use it as a positive thing like you said - now at least you are clear about needing to move on and you have your dd's - they will get you through this.

yes definetely with her!!!
its awful situation, that i never thought i would be in but i have to get on with it for the sake of the girls, i dont even know where to start in getting over it but i have to,

You both sound much stronger than me!

I've just hit rock bottom again, had a really rough night with both dd's last night - must have had about 1 hrs sleep. I'm physically and mentally drained.

Saw solicitor yesterday and told them I just want it over and done with - but was told they couldn't advise me properly until all finances were disclosed by him fully and it would be taken from there. I just want OUT. I can't take any more of this.

I know I have to snap out of this and stop being negative but I am no further on than I was 10 months ago when he left me! Still alone and very isolated here.

After my e-mail to him asking him to come back etc. he actually replied for once! He will NEVER come back, he was TOO unhappy. He WANTS the divorce to go through. He has lost lots of friends because of this (poor thing!) and he WANTS me to hand the house over to him and he will give me a small pay off! Where the F does he think I can go and how does he think I can manage with two small dd's? The money may be five figures - but it wont get me a mortgage for a secure roof over our heads (I don't earn enough money even if I went back to work) and how long will it last paying rent?! I hope that one day he does want to come back and realise he has made a mistake because I will have GREAT pleasure in telling him where to go. I am so ANGRY with him I feel like I will explode - as long as he's alright Jack!

My life really is NOT worth living at the minute and I can't get those horrible thoughts out of my head. I just don't know which way to turn. Seriously thinking about it....................

It hurts to read your posting. The best thing you have going for you are your dds and your anger. Use the anger to keep you strong. Don't let your ex tell you any stories and only take the advice of the solicitors. Let your ex know that you won't stand for BS. I'm sure lot's of people have told you this and maybe it doesn't help. Don't give up but wake up every morning, look in the mirror and thank the Lord for your babies. You are much richer with them than he is without them.
In the meantime, put your make-up on, make yourself a cuppa,grab a biscuit and watch a funny movie.
Keep strong girl.

Thank you for that. I love my dd's dearly and yes, they are the ONLY thing that keeps me going at the minute. I am much richer than him with them in my life. But he knows that he can hurt me by using them as his only weapon and applying for more access! How much access will a court give him? I wont stop his access, but I do want to keep it to a minimum so the dd's have a routine and more stability (they get extremely unsettled after his visits). I dont want him to have them overnight yet or take them 5 hours drive away from me for the weekend - will a court rule against me and let him take them? I really will consider it if they do - can't bear thinking about it.

I am so lonely.

So sorry that its so bad right for you both right now. I can only add that we are all richer for having our dd's -one day i think the men will wake up and realise what they have lost and it will be too late and at least we can say to our dd's that WE did all we can to save our families ! Why are men so weak ?

Sanchpanch my dh is also saying that he needs space and time right now and that there is no-one else - time will tell if he is also leading me up the garden path !

I am having a better day today because I am trying not to waste my emotions on him - so when i feel angry I say to myself its a waste of my time and why should I waste it on him - hes not worthy of my anger/hurt etc!

Loulounz - I am sure if you are reasonable with access then you cant be forced to allow overnight stays - esp as you have a reason (i.e. unsettled kids) - will he not listen to reason at all ?

Each relationship is different, but for me - he totally convinced me he was ready to come back, that he would make a real go of the relationship, that he loved me (after telling me he'd been keeping in touch with his ex for most of our marriage - him wanting everything out in the open - a fresh start etc!) but he actually did NOTHING to change the marriage for me and make me any happier - I was still the stuck at home mum, he never took me out even after I pleaded several times etc. Everything changed for him as I gave him even MORE freedom than he had already, made sure I looked good at all times, made sure I appeared happier etc - the list is endless of all the changes I MADE! and that still wasn't good enough for him.

Like you both, I just dont want to give up for the sake of the children - even though it's now screaming at me that he isn't coming back - he seems very content with his single life, no responsibilities (being looked after by his mother)and his new girlfriend - he also said he wasn't looking for anyone, that would be a long way off etc - it took him a week after leaving! Why can't they just be honest? That hurts but at least doesn't prolong the agony!

As for the access side - no he wont listen to reason - he thinks I'm making it all up about dd's just to prevent him from seeing them!

Surely I am not unreasonable in saying no to him taking them on a 5 hour drive(minimum time - road notorious for delays!) back to his mothers (that's half day gone) to stay half day/overnight (they go to bed at 6pm) and then half day next day to then travel back at lunch another 5 hour drive - for me to then get them settled and ready for school/nursery next day?!!!!!! I can't get my head around this being in the best interests of the dd's if the courts grant him what he wants and that this is quality time spent with his dd's being sat in a car for 10 hours! I suppose I shouldn't jump to conclusions he will get this granted but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worse! He has made me into such a negative person with no self worth and I feel like I've gone back to being a silly teenager chasing after boys!

I agree about the 5 hr trip - thats way to much time in a car for 2 days. Is this every second weekend ? If he really pushes you why dont you suggest that he has them maybe every second month for a weekend - but that still doesnt get around the 10 hr round trip. So maybe if he wants them overnight he needs to move closer - which is also not idea i guess as you need your space too. aaargh - what a mess. I am thinking that I will move back to South Africa with the girls at the end of the year if DH has not seen sense yet - cant face Xmas on my own here with no family - so 'll head home for xmas and then stay as I need my family if I am going to be a single mum. DH knows my plans but still says he "needs his space" and that if he has to be apart from his DD's in order to be happy then thats what he will do - what an idiot - he is going to miss his kids so much !

They are just not made the same way as us are they! Couldn't bear the thought of being apart from my dd's for any length of time - in fact the most I've managed so far is 4 hours! I just love being with them.

You are so lucky to be able to get away. I would give anything to just go miles away and start a new life. I know dads need access but hey let him prove how much they really mean to him!

Not sure whether I should add to this thread but just to say that I was in this position for nearly two years when my h left me - for another woman. He came back initally for five months, left again to live with her - they actually bought a flat together - and then he wanted to come home, by which time - and after months of incredible sadness and heartbreak during which my mother died - I had, sort of, got happier, seeing somone new, although never introduced the girls to him. Anyway, I made him live on his own for six months to prove to me that's what he wanted. He moved back home late last year and we've been going to Relate ever since he left his g/friend which has been incredibly helpful. Not sure why I'm posting as I'm not saying this always happens, or is necessarily the right thing to do. But you HAVE to get on with your own life at some point and all the will and love in the world won't make someone come back unless they both want to and are ready to. It's so hard and I was so miserable. But after a year - sorry, not v encouraging - I did get my act together. Apologies for the ramble. Lots of love, it's so hard and your children suffer so much too. If I can help in any way, please ask. I remember it all too well.

Think it's totally the end for me - he wants a divorce! That surely says he doesn't want to come back - ever?! I was hoping for just a separation but cant get anything financial (legally and not just voluntarily) out of him unless I go through with the divorce. Can't do 'voluntary' and put up with his idle threats of non-payment everytime he can't have his own way.

A part of me still hopes he will realise what a big mistake he's made but I just HATE him so much at the minute.

Sykes - forgot to ask how you played it with him? Nice, horrible, inbetween? How long were you separated for in total? Any children and how did you work access?

Presume you only stayed "separated" as well? Just think my dh is being too hasty in wanting divorce! He's such a boy and not a man though - hasn't thought it through properly don't think? Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself?!

Thanks - hope I'm not being too nosey?

yes i would also be intrested to see how you played it? Sykes
i have been begging him to come back for 2 months but feel like i am pushing him away, and that while i am there begging him he knows that i am there waiting,and the begging is soul destroying as he says no!
i feel like if i back off that is the only chance i have of saving my family.....

Everyone says people want what they cant have, and that once i begin to move on with my life he may realise his mistake? as while he knows i am there waiting he will have his fun first!!!

Any tips Sykes ? what do you think made him come back, believe me i am not holding out much hope for this but i would like to give my family the best chance there is.... but i am also feeling much stronger about my future with my girls.... with or without him.....

well its like any new relationship, its always fantastic to begin with then the shine wears off!!!
It must have been very hard for you, how long did he leave for the first time? did he go back to the same girl the second time he left?

It must have been hard for you to trust him again, thats may major concern is that if we got back together how could i forgive and forget, but if it was meant to be it would be...and if we both wanted it enough it would be worth trying.

There are lots of questions i would like to ask him about his new girl, when, where they met etc.. but do you know what it will only hurt me more, so i am not going to bother, and i would like to tell her he has still been trying it on with me etc.. but what the point i would look like the sad destructive ex girlfriend and i have realised i am better than that, and i want to try and hold my head up high..

I have taken advice from various friends boyfriends, and they all say i was right to let him know how devastated i was when he left and try to make him come back but they say now i need to drop all that, and let him see that i am doing fine, and then he might begin to question what i am feeling and what i am doing, and may actually begin to miss me when he doesnt know exactly what's going on as i am no longer sat there crying begging etc...

I am really pleased that you made it through and i hope you are very happy now...

sorry more question!!!!

did he know you were seeing someone else? do you think that might have given him the push to come back,

Not that i would try this technique, i would love someone to cuddle up to, but not just yet!!!!

No,don't think he did know - I told him later on. The first time he left it was on Boxing Day - nice - and I escaped to San Francisco - my sister lives there that same day. Great flight - 12 hours, two dds and me silently weeping for the duration. The air hostesses had me on suicide watch - honestly. I stayed away for two weeks and wouldn't let him come out to see us. So not sure how long he would have stayed away for. His gf was also away at the time. Yes same girl. A lot younger than him. Very surprising, not.

Also, I don't think it's wrong that you've told him how much you love him etc but do think that he knows and you're doing the right thing in stopping all of that.

How much access did you give him? Were you sociable when he came round?

How far in the divorce did you get?