Hi everyone - how are you all ????? I am doing OK - still single and still sad about it - but I do also have good moments and days when i accept the situation and just get on with it. i got some good advice from the following websites and thought I would post it here as it has helped me to get my act together around my "not so DH". He is currently coming around maybe 3 times a week to help with the kids which is good as it means they get to see him and so far have not been effected by the split and he babysits when I need him to. i am trying to keep each interaction with him positive without arguments as I think it is the arguments that keep him away. I am also starting work again 2 afternnons a week from mid Nov and then 4 days per week from jan so I am a bit distracted by that. I am still sad tho as I know the lopnger he leaves it the less likely I am going to be able to trust him again and want him back. Hope you are all ok and have a good weekend.
websites
www.midlifeclub.com/ - there is a lot on here that sounds familiar !
www.savemymarriagetoday.com/membersF9C294/articlesindex.php - there is a quote on here which is interesting " You should NEVER beg or plead with your partner to get them to return. Begging or pleading just shows your partner what depths you will go to in order to win them back. You?ll then feel humiliated when they don?t respond to your pleas. When your marriage is in crisis, don?t show your partner that you?re panicking. Desperation will cause your partner to feel suffocated and will push him or her even further away. Collect yourself and gather your thoughts before doing anything you might regret.
For example:
Imagine that your partner has left you. You feel alone, desperate, and will do anything to get them back. You call your partner continually, do things that you know they like, and ask everyone you know to help you get your partner back. What you don?t realize is that, in the process, you?ve given away any bargaining power you might have had. You?ve shown your partner that you want to accept 100% responsibility for the marriage ? and your partner doesn?t have to do anything except come back to you.
You may not believe this, but very few marriages reach the point of separation or divorce without being pushed along that path by both partners. Both of you influence each other in ways that may not even be visible. That?s why it is so crucial that you look at why your marriage is in crisis. Even a tiny change in your attitude, actions, or lifestyle can completely change the dynamic of your marriage. You have enormous power ? but only if you know how to use it.
Begging and pleading gives away that power. Clear-headed communication and complete honesty intensifies it. You are an adult; don?t let your partner?s actions turn you back into a child. If your partner needs space, give them space. Spend time doing those things that make you feel strong, capable, and nurtured. Spend time with your family and your friends; talk about your feelings with others. Do whatever it takes to make sure that the next time you speak with your partner about your marriage crisis, you are calm, collected, and in control of your feelings so that you can talk honestly.
Before you talk with your partner next, ask yourself these three questions. Are you feeling defensive? If you are, take a step back. You may not be ready to speak to your partner. Are you feeling desperate? If you are, take a step back. You may not be ready to speak with your partner. Are you feeling resentful and angry? If you are, take a step back. You may not be ready to speak with your partner. Just remember: the ball is in your court. How you react to your partner?s separation may determine the course of your marriage".