Possible relocation to SF.

[MyBeautifulRaven]

Any advice from US base MNetters, particularly West Coast.

I've had an approach from a tech company - $380k base with a very attractive equity package. It would mean a relocation to the Bay area, which is what gives me pause. I'm very happy with my life here, our children are in the process of fledging so it feels like an odd time to relocate. On the other hand, it feels like an incredible opportunity, especially at my age. DH works for a US company already, albeit in a remote role, but it means his hours would align nicely so no problem there.

Ugh, any thoughts?

I think you feel like you’re abandoning your kids - because you are. Seriously, today’s 18 and 19 year olds are young (covid etc) and need a lot of parental support. And I find it unfathomable that you think your parents (in their 80s!) don’t need you already. I’m sure they do. I mean, it sucks, I understand that. But I think it’s the same whether you’re male or female - unfortunately being in midlife is rubbish. Both sides need you.

It’s not the DC who would be giving me pause, it’s the 80+ yo parents, even if there are other siblings around. As someone living in the US with parents that age in the UK, I live in fear of the call in the middle of the night. I’m on the east coast and realistically it’ll never be less than 24 hours to get back.

For the D.C.: just talk to them. They’ll be fine. It’ll be exciting and interesting and fun - and over before they know it and then they’ll be looking for jobs.

As for why now - I don’t see why this is a question. Why not? What’s the issue with it being now?

Palantir, Meta, Open AI

None of the above!

Jeysus, I'd eat my own eyeballs rather than work for them!!

'It’s not the DC who would be giving me pause, it’s the 80+ yo parents, even if there are other siblings around'

Yes. Although neither would ask me to stay for them. They both want me to grab this.

Conversely - why should mid-life women turn incredible things down?

I had a feeling you would say that

Have a look on Craig's List to see what kind of housing you'd be interested in. Then take a look at the app Mr Chilly which shows you the temperature in every neighbourhood - we have microclimates so it might be chilly in the north west of the city and boiling in the Mission. Then also look at a bedrock map to see what kind of earthquake risk you have - I wouldn't want to live in a liquefaction zone!

Those three things would give you an idea of cost, weather and quake stuff, and might help you narrow down where you'd like to live.

Sounds like GladGreenOrca and I can help if you need intel on what it's like to live in different neighbourhoods.

You might suspect who's approached me!!

All good advice - thank you.

Is it around Palo alto?
Haven't been there for years and years, but I lived in Los Gatos for a while and loved it. The bay area is pretty huge and I'm not sure I'd even recognise much of it now, but yeah you have to grab the opportunity.

Not Palo - downtown SF.

My experience is probably coloured by the fact I experienced traumatic deaths of dear friends at 19 and 23 and very much needed my parents at times, so I struggle with the idea of it right as they are finding their way as adults.

Personally I have been head hunted for two amazing roles this year and turned them down because they weren't right for me and the family. But I totally understand that you may well already have turned down things over the last 18 years and really want to have your chance to seize opportunities without thinking of others.

You do need a plan in place for emergencies though. Will you have the flexibility to shoot back /spend a period of time here if needed? Among my friends/peers when we were aged 18-21 ISH all sorts of things happened that meant parents were needed- traumatic bereavements, serious illness, nervous breakdown, accidents, a flat fire. ..and we had lovely sheltered UMC lives

You also have to accept it may mean your children scatter across the world as adults. I have two friends whose parents moved abroad when they were 18. My parents became essentially surrogate parents to one as there is no way round it a phone call from the other side of the world isn't the same. The parents have moved back now but the children have both since moved abroad. I think there was a sense of not even hesitating at the opportunities because their parents had been prepared to leave them

And having seen the stress for my aunt when her mum (my grandma) was dying /died in the UK and my aunt lived on the west coast the distance really made things so much harder for her. She was very wealthy and could fly backwards and forwards but that in itself is exhausting (and she doesn't work)

I don't think it's an easy decision and I feel like it's a shame it didn't come in a couple of years time when your children were just that bit older

All of the above. I had a very nice UMC upbringing but we also took friends in for various reasons. We would keep our house here and visit regularly though. I'm not sure how much of a difference that would make.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!

I'd have loved this offer at the age of 26. Boom. Obviously.

But I wouldn't have been offered this at the age of 26 - this offer is very much tied into my age and experience.

@noodlezoodle That's depressing to hear about the street homelessness in LA and San Diego, I haven't visited those cities. Not that it's perfection where I live, but it's not as noticeable.

I saw your update that you have siblings in the UK. That is a positive for your parents - I'm an only and it's definitely more difficult, although it's manageable with technology.

I'm one of five and neither of my parents look to me for care.

Now!

I absolutely think you should do this - your DC would probably be super excited for you and have amazing holidays in the USA. I have friends who moved to SF 6 years ago and adore it. What an amazing work and life opportunity

Yes, it's very much;

"look at you Raven"

so seductive.

I think it all depends on the children's thoughts.

@MyBeautifulRaven Even if they do need more support in the next few years, you have four siblings to help organize it, that's a bonus. It sounds as if your parents would be delighted for you to take an exciting opportunity, which is also great (my Dad makes me feel guilty when he's in a bad mood)!

I agree with others that you to talk this over in-depth with your children. Mine would be delighted for me, but then we're already a scattered family so it's sort of expected that people will go off and live elsewhere. DH's siblings are scattered and DD is at uni a three-hour plane ride away. It hasn't affected relationships, we're very close.

It does - my eldest who's studying physics hates my industry - hates it!!

BUT - I also think he'd be very happy re the opportunity.

The youngest - my D? All in.

I was 19 when my dad moved to the US (Raleigh, NC) and I loved visiting him in my university holidays. I did still have my mum as a base in the uk but honestly I didnt come back that often- xmas and Easter for a bit, but each of the long summers i went travelling or on expeditions. My dad would take us on great trips around NC, down through Virginia to Florida. Was amazing and my brother ended up getting a green card through him, he married an American and is now settled in florida, they have a brilliant life

Honestly its sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity and you should go for it

For the love of god - take it, OP!

Empty nesters spending a few years in SF earning over £500k - bloody marvelous.

University holidays are long so your 18 year old will be able to spend months in CA - the lucky thing! The one in culinary school can visit too and Facetime in between.

Go West, woman!

My parents moved away when I was 17 and my DSis 19. Looking back, it absolutely fractured our relationship.

This is the shit that stops me!! I had friends whose parents did this and it felt like an abandonment.