What would you do? Overseas move

[Cherasy]

Situation is this - my DH and I have both been offered well paid, good jobs in Kuala Lumpur. Both opportunities are exciting for us from a work perspective, and as individuals we love to travel and adventure. However we have 2 DC - a 13 year old DD currently in y8 and a 10 year old DS currently in y6. This move includes school fees fully paid for at the top British international school in KL, plus accommodation allowance.

We would be better off in KL financially, but our life here is also objectively quite good. We have reasonable jobs and pay (but doesn’t stretch too far in the SE of England!), my job I don’t love but it’s okay, DH likes his but there’s a possibility the London office will close in the next few years and he will need to find another job. Right now we have no major struggles and DCs go to good state schools. We have a nice house and the kids have friends. They are both into a sporting hobby, but this is very well catered for in KL and in fact this international school is known for it.

I know that it a tricky time to move, especially for DD but in my mind the positives would outweigh the negatives, and the experiences we could give them would be unachievable here. I’m aware of the uni fees rule - we have lived abroad before and have seen many ways round it so not too concerned but would be prepared to pay if needed. I suppose my question is am I being utterly unreasonable to my DC at this stage of their life? There’s a bit of now or never about this - I wouldn’t move DD after year 9 due to gcse choices and if we wait till they’re both grown I don’t think it’ll happen as we will be a fair bit older and so will our parents. But I am prepared to hear that this isn’t fair, or alternatively those who have done similar and had a good experience. I’m sure I’m going to get called selfish, but I have not actually done anything yet other than receive the job offer!

I think if you know KL you will be guessing correctly!
thank you - good to know you loved your life there! I think I would enjoy it too - just got to try and make the right decision for the DC

I wouldn't. A relative of mine was made to change countries at age 14. It was a massive culture shock for her and her two siblings - their relationships with their parents never got back to how they were. One of them didn't speak to her parents for a solid year. The repercussions have lasted well into adulthood.

Yes and my kids went to the same school and we have many friends in the secondary campus who are very happy there! Rather than just thinking about what you have to lose, I would also consider what you have to gain - amazing travel opportunities, affordable living costs and eating out, opening the kids eyes to how big the world is and having long days and hot weather all year around is a bonus! Although you'll find yourself complaining about the heat sometimes! We have subsequently moved our kids as teenagers to a new country and they have settled in fine. Now is probably the latest you can leave it. Follow your gut and go for it! You can always move back post GCSE if it doesn't work out.

I think you need to be careful comparing the experience of people who are now adults, with the experience today’s teens will have.

The massive difference is phones/internet. They will be able to keep in touch with their Uk friends far more than children or teens who moved abroad 20+ years ago could. This has pros and cons. It’s great that they will be able to stay in touch with their current friends and may mean they feel less lonely in KL. BUT it also means they will see very clearly what they are missing out on with their old friends via group chats and channels. And at this age missing out on the sleepovers and in jokes is likely to be way more important to them than sports facilities or a trip to Vietnam.

I really think you need to float it with your kids - maybe in a hypothetical “how would you feel if” way - and see their reaction.

Thanks so much for this. Why did you move on? For a job?

Definitely go - your kids will benefit hugely from the experience

What are you waiting for? Go! Have a fabulous time. The world is a big place. It will give your kids another perspective.

I can't access my private messages on Mumsnet. 😬 I've tried logging onto the website on my phone but it just takes me to the app🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll try again on my computer tomorrow @Cherasy

Take it OP.
That’s a wonderful opportunity for the whole family. The UK is a mess at the moment life is too short to wait for things to get better and I don’t believe we will at least in the near future. We are nose diving fast and neither the pilots or air traffic control are aware.

Yes, for career reasons. I still go back regularly though. Best of luck with the decision - the world is smaller than you think and I spend more quality time with my UK family than I did when I lived there as everyone makes an effort when we are there and we spend the summer there.

We have just done the same thing, moved to KL with two kids aged 12 and 10. Major anxiety leading up to the move, but we've settled in better than we thought and it really opened up the kids' horizon and exposure.

We’ve just moved overseas as I was offered a new job. I was worried I was romanticising it but it’s been amazing. Much bigger house than the one I had in London, more money, more help, kids love nursery, schools are much better here than state schools and cheaper than uk private schools, commute is shorter etc etc. If your gut is telling you yes and your kids would be happy, do it! Do you want to be living in the uk under a reform government…

This is reassuring to read! Thank you. Would love to hear a bit more about how you find life there if you don’t mind a PM

If I were thinking of relocating i would consider carefully whether that view is naive.

Your DC are just that. . children!
This is an amazing opportunity for you and your dh job wise.
I wouldn't be giving the children a vote or asking their opinions..of course a 13 yr old is likely to not want to leave their friends...the same friends who could well be their worse enemies next month. Young teens especially girls , have flux in friendships all the time.
I can't imagine turning down such a great opportunity and job security because a child might be temporarily upset.

This is a really excellent point and a very similar conversation I had with my mum last night. She said they’re kids - make the decision for them but be empathetic about their feelings and explain all the amazing advantages. She also reminded me that none of my close friends now are from when I was a teen- totally true 😅

I think we are erring a lot closer to going at the moment, with a discussion point after 3 years as to whether we return or stay out. The stars have aligned for us job-wise and this is unlikely to happen again in my opinion.

sounds good! but of course, wait till April to make the move although I would definitely talk to them about the possibilities (and talk it up!). Just remembered a friend (who's now in their early 50s) moved to Oz with the family when he was a child - had older siblings. Anyway, now a lifetime on, parents live in Oz but have homes here, they come up and down to see the grandkids, a couple of siblings in Oz, my friend is over here, with their family and kids growing up as bicultural kids (wife is from another country)... it's all fun. The friends I had when I was a schoolkid are still my friends and we connect via WhatsApp and facetime. remember we had no internet in the 80s...and yet, here we are. All the best!

sure, will share what I know :)

Hi, did you decide to take the job and move to KL?