Help. DH wants to move to his country and I don't :(

[EnglandvEurope]

I'm a regular poster and I've name changed for this.

I'm British and DH is from a European country. We met in his country, but I had to move back to the UK to finish my studies and he was happy to come with me. We had always talked about the possibility of moving to his country at some point in the distant future, but I was always clear that I wanted to be in my country for having children and the early years.

Fast forward many years and a lot has happened. We are married with 2 children (age 5 and 18 months).

DH always had a bit of a strained relationship with his family (parents and sibling) and unfortunately a few years ago they fell out completely and he/we are no longer in contact with them. It is very sad but DH feels there is no hope of reconciliation.

My family is not perfect but I get on with them all, I have separated parents and a step-parent, as well as 3 siblings in this country (1 lives abroad) and 2 of my siblings here have children of their own.

It is important for me to see my family regularly and for my children to have relationships with their cousins. All the more so since we are estranged from DH's family.

We try and visit DH's country regularly but obviously that's been much more difficult in the last couple of years due to covid and having 2 young children. We didn't visit in 2020 but did visit in 2021 and we are planning at least one trip again this year.

DH says that he is deeply unhappy in this country and wants to move back to his country. He said that Brexit was the final straw. I think his feelings coincide with the big fallout with his family. It is probably a combination of factors.

We are stuck because I don't want to move to his country, at least not now. The main reason is my family, I desperately want to stay near them. If we had a good relationship with his family, it might compensate somewhat for being away from mine, but we won't see them at all.

If we didn't have children I think we would split up, but both of us want to be with the children, and it's not as if DH would move to his country without them.

What to do?

@Ivyonafence
Thanks for asking. I am staying! Tbh I was never really going to move and this thread confirmed it for me. DH did drop it but he does moan about England pretty often - fair enough because there's a lot wrong, in terms of the politics, economy, underfunded education, healthcare etc. It's pretty clear he thinks his country would be better in many respects. And I'm sure it will come up again (and again...) But I'm afraid I'm just not going.

Oh I should also add that we had a fantastic holiday in DH's country in August, managed to meet up with friends while there and really liked the place too. So we all agreed we wanted to go back and will go most years if not every year. Plus visits to DH's home town and another city where many of our friends are - not sure how often we will manage going all together while our children are still young and bloody hard work but DH can go by himself too.

Great outcome, thanks for the update

It’s interesting that your DH talks about his realFriends in his home country. Thing is, people change over the years and those relationships won’t be quite the same now as they were when he several years ago, IYSWIM

This is a really important point - when we lived in Canada, DH spent all of his time moaning about missing all of his friends. We’ve been back 3 years now - he has seen these friends 2-3 times, one of which was a big get-together that I organised. And DH has moved onto moaning about missing Canadian things.

It is dissatisfaction. There will always be something to fixate on, but solving that problem won’t solve the underlying issue. If you move to your DH’s country, he’ll be unhappy about his job, or the house, or something else.

Formal education in many EU countries starts at six years.

In the Netherlands it's the day after your 4th birthday. In Norway it's at 7 I believe.

Feels apt that this thread has been resurrected. DH is about to take DC1 for a long weekend in his country - we couldn't all go for various reasons (mainly because I don't have enough annual leave and it's also cheaper as they can stay with friends - whereas 4 of us would have to pay for accommodation). It was actually my suggestion but when we decided to go for it I got all upset at the idea of being apart from DC1 for so long! However I am not stopping them going - that would be silly - and DC1 is excited so I'm putting on a brave face. I'm sure they'll have a great time. Sniff. We won't make a habit of it though, will try to go as a family for most visits.

Hello again @EnglandvEurope 😊. Has your husband managed to settle here better? Has he explored his feelings a bit more?

This could be a good thing, he'll have to take the full load of being there and looking after DC. They'll have a wonderful time and he'll hopefully see what it's like being solely responsible for DC without help. You'll have some lovely time with DC2 and DC1 can come back and tell you all about it :)

I would go. Try it. If it doesn't work you can come back. He moved here for you. It's time to pay that back

Children have a much safer and nicer environment to grow up in in the EU.

Travel is easy you can see your parents frequently.
I have zero regrets

Sorry I failed to reply to this! I don't know if he has settled better or explored his feelings more, but he has been complaining less.
The trip that DH and DC1 took was a roaring success, they had a fantastic time, and I know it did DH a huge amount of good to spend that time with his friends and their kids.
We will continue to prioritise going to DH's country in the holidays and as usual I'm the one actually organising it.

I'm glad you have zero regrets and presumably are happy living as an expat.

I'm not going to do it, I'm afraid. If you read all my posts you might find there are some significant differences in our situations. Even if there weren't, different people want different things.

I’ve read all your posts and think you’re being staggeringly unfair to him. Why is he the only one to has to make compromises? I wouldn’t be surprised if this splits you up.

Because my children's needs trump my husband's wants. We are much more able to meet their needs here in England than in DH's country. Other than moving to DH's country I am willing to make other changes and compromises provided we consider the children and their needs.

HTH.

@Fudgeball But effectively you're doing that as soon as you have children with someone. I have a divorced friend who's not allowed (by court order) to move her children from London back to Yorkshire.

EnglandvEurope I just want to say thank you for your contributions to this thread. They are so intelligent and well articulated and make me feel better about my situation, which is the same as yours except with older children (9,11) and possibly more pressure.

I wouldn't. Put simply. Your relationship doesn't sound great. You could end up stuck there due to the kids becoming resident there.

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. Feel free to PM if you like x