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Living overseas

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Original poster

Going "home" - need you to talk me down really

79 replies

DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 15:01

Hi everyone. It's Monday, and I'm struggling with homeschooling and drowning in worksheets from my children's German primary school, so please bear with me.

We live in Germany, and my family, including elderly (but otherwise healthy) parents, are all in the UK. We Zoom every weekend, and talk more than we did before lockdown, as I'm sure a lot of people do. My mum is famously stoical - never says anything even vaguely emotional, and talks about "old people" like she isn't one of them - she's 78. I was on the phone to her the other night, and she suddenly burst into tears, and said that when she was lying awake at 3am, in her lowest moments, she wondered whether she would ever see me again.

This has really got to me. And I suppose I've started wondering the same. I can't see the time when we'll be able to travel again, and certainly not easily like we used to. I've started to mull over the logistics of flying over there and holing up in a part of my parents' house for 2 weeks to quarantine, staying a further week with them, and then coming home to Germany and holing up for another 2 weeks here. I mean, it's doable, but it would mean leaving my husband behind to feed the cat, and I'm not sure he'd go for it. Then I think, it's ridiculous, what would I do with the children there for 3 weeks, without any of their toys. We could easily catch CV on the plane, and if we're going to have it, I'd much rather be in Germany, iykwim!! Not to mention the possibility of giving it to my parents, however much we tried to stay away from them when we got there. And then I think, arguably, if we don't do it now, while the children aren't at school and their summer holidays will be here soon anyway, when WILL we see our family again??

So basically, I just wondered what the thoughts of other overseas dwellers were. Do you have these thoughts about your families too? Do you see your lives abroad differently now? How can I get over this and go back to being alright with it, like I was before? (I've inherited the stoical gene, and tend to just get on with things - but my mum's tears have really thrown me for a loop). I'd really love to chat about it.

OP posts:
thegcatsmother · 27/04/2020 19:23

My friend in Belgium is going batshit, as she hasn't seen her grandkids in the UK since January when she returned to Belgium after Christmas (her husband is HM Forces). She doesn't know when she will get back to see them again.

My db and his wife are also in Belgium (HM Forces again), and all the parents and their kids are in the UK.

It will get better; travel is possible...a Swedish friend has driven from Brussels to her summer home in Sweden last week. Restrictions are being lifted in some parts of Europe; it's just that we have to take other factors into account when we travel now.

It's difficult being away from your older relatives, especially when something like this is going on, but you can phone, facetime, email, so that's better than the odd phone call and letter. I feel for my sil, as my dn is under the ocean somewhere in a black tube, and not back for a while yet.

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 27/04/2020 19:28

It will get better but you have to stay where you are. It's really hard I know. I'm three and a half hours away from my mum, I WILL see her again. The risk to your mum is far too high with the chances of contracting the virus on the plane. What if you got ill and she had to look after you? Everyone gets low about the whole situation but we have to stay positive. In my worst moments, I try to visualise what it will be like when I can give my mum a massive hug. Xx

Original poster
DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 19:46

Thank you so much, both of you. The funny thing is, I’ve lived abroad for about half my adult life, in different places, and my mum and I have definitely had our ups and downs. But the thought of her being so distressed (her!!) has really worried me.

Anyway, I know you’re right, I should stay put, and I’m glad you’ve said it. All this talk of closed borders is particularly unsettling, because we often drive to the U.K., rather than fly, which seems like a lower infection risk than the metal tube in the sky, but involves crossing several borders...

And thegcatsmother, thank you for mentioning your DN. It’s a stark reminder that some people live their whole lives like this. It must be a huge worry for you SIL.

OP posts:
thegcatsmother · 27/04/2020 19:57

Dh says that lockdown is a breeze compared to being on patrol, and as a former submariner, he should know. He says at least in lockdown you can have a decent shower, the food is fresh, the laundry smells nice, he can tinker with his car and get out for a walk.

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 27/04/2020 19:59

My family is spread worldwide and every day is tough, some of them are locked down, some of them coming out of lockdown and some of them have no lockdown

We used to see them loads but not these days zoom and FaceTime is not enough. With borders closed I wonder whom I won't see again.

The world used to feel tiny, now it feels enormous.

I struggle daily, you are not alone.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2020 19:59

I think an awful lot of people are on an emotional roller coaster. The problem for you is the chance of catching something while you're travelling. That's what I'd be worried about.

missyB1 · 27/04/2020 20:04

I think it’s the uncertainty that makes us anxious. Not knowing when it will end and when travelling to see family will be possible. OP I can totally understand that hearing your mum cry has thrown you completely, even more so because as you say that generation tends to be so stoical.

It will end and you will all see each other again, you just have to keep repeating that to yourself.

Original poster
DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 20:05

The world used to feel tiny, now it feels enormous
Yes, this is so well put. When we moved here 2 years ago it was tough leaving London, and it took us a while to settle in here, but there was never any suggestion that we couldn’t go and visit family whenever we wanted! I’ve never been homesick until now.

OP posts:
habibihabibi · 27/04/2020 20:15

My Dad used to say you are only a dayaway and I'll always pay. Last week my embassy informed us the one off repatriation flight could be the last for 6 months and it was a four sector one way flight which would have cost £15,000 for a family of four.

Original poster
DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 20:46

habibi wow. That’s incredibly tough. Plus, our lives are here! What would you do after you’d forked out the 15K, you know? It just throws such a different light on the way we’ve chosen to live our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 20:47

missy that’s really kindly put, thank you. I knew I’d find my people here. And yes, it is definitely the uncertainty.

OP posts:
Gratitudeiseverything · 27/04/2020 21:05

I live abroad, all my family are in the UK. I understand how you feel. But it's much safer for you and your children to stay where you are, and when this all blows over which it will, you can enjoy a lovely holiday back home when things are more normal. This is what we will be doing.

OlafLovesAnna · 27/04/2020 21:37

I definitely empathise we live in Portugal (HM Forces) and I have never worried about living abroad before. I have to say that I have started to wake up at night fretting that I'll never see my parents again too.

I am definitely going to take my kids home for a visit when it's safer but it is a worry long term as your parents get older.

Ironically my parents didn't visit us at Christmas in 2019 as they didn't want us to get fed up of them, then had to cancel a visit in February because of a different problem.

It has impacted how we see the next few years panning out for sure.

Original poster
DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 22:25

It has impacted how we see the next few years panning out for sure.
Yeah, this too. We had only recently decided that we would stay for another 3 years. But if any kind of travel restriction looks like it will carry on for any length of time (and be unpredictable in the future) I just can’t see myself being happy to do that.

OP posts:
TKAAHUARTG · 28/04/2020 04:00

I must admit, this does go through my mind. We have had a tricky relationship in the past, but it breaks my heart if I thought I would not see her again. I think I will return home before too long.

Peridot1 · 28/04/2020 04:13

It’s so hard. And hearing that your mum was upset is so upsetting.

My family are in Ireland and I’m in the UK. My dad lives alone and I went back end of Jan for a week as he had been quite sick with a bad chest infection. Had planned to do that more often as although my sisters are nearby he liked the company having someone actually staying. Of course I can’t do that now. And he can’t go out obv. He is struggling mentally I think and has some physical issues too.

I worry that if something happened to him I couldn’t do anything. Or go over.

I’ve been en expat and lived away for years but always knew I could get back in an emergency. Not even being able to do that is horrible.

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/04/2020 04:27

I’m 3 1/2 hours away from UK. I used to go back every month to see my Mum (who is 87) and the DDs, who are at university. We had literally hours notice of DD2’s university closing, DH jumped on a plane and went back to help her with her stuff, and now he is stuck there. At least he is with the DDs. I am hoping they can come out here in June, and that I can get some leave in the summer to go and see my Mum, who is not coping well with the situation.

Reginabambina · 28/04/2020 04:30

I’ve gone home (with my British family) to rude out the initial outbreak (its well controlled here). DH keeps bringing up not going back. I’m seriously considering it. It used to take one day of travel to get here. This time it took over four weeks (including the quarantines).

grisen · 28/04/2020 04:42

Feel the same way, if I were furloughed we’d all be at my parents house isolating there instead of the UK as my parents have often asked us to do. My partner and my son are thinking about going for it without me if his workplace can’t open anytime soon as my son would have more freedom and a bigger house... and my family whom he adores. It’s hit us extremely hard as my family were supposed to come for a visit just before lockdown happened. Ironically we were very glad we’d just been to visit when we got off the plane in January and saw the airport staff put up warning signs about COVID-19.

theculture · 28/04/2020 05:00

I am feeling the same

My mum was supposed to visit me when all if this happened so had to cancel; we have been having lovely chats daily , more than we ever had before - but the last one sounded very down and frightened about not being able to see her again

I am trying not to think too much; even breaking all the lockdown rules there aren't flights that could get me there and back - when will that be possible again?? (A year said one of the airlines that fly) How much will it cost (1000's??)

Sad
TheSkyWasDark · 28/04/2020 05:39

I understand. I've never even had a good relationship with my parents but I'm desperate to go home right now. They've never even met their grandson and I guess I worry they never will.

We skype (am I the only one still skyping? When did zoom become a thing?) every weekend but it's hard. We don't have much to say to each other really as we're all stuck inside and we're not ones to talk about our emotions or whatever.

HarryHarry · 28/04/2020 05:41

I’ve been thinking about this too. We’re in North America and our parents are in the UK/Ireland. My dad is in his late 70s, lives alone and has all sorts of health problems. I’ve been lying awake at night wondering when or even if I will ever see him again. I suddenly feel very far away from home.

nightswimmers · 28/04/2020 05:43

I hear you. My parents should have been here currently (it's my youngest birthday this week). And we have summer plans. And autumn plans, and then we were supposed to be going there for Christmas.

My DC are their only DGC, and they just miss them.

Please stay positive. The thought of flying terrifies me at the moment and it's just too far to drive with DC. I am grateful for video calls, it allows us to stay in contact regularly. And then as soon as you can, go to visit.

EdwinaMay · 28/04/2020 05:49

We are all in the UK but I've not seen any family face to face since lockdown (except DH and i see more than enough of him).

MayhapMayhem · 28/04/2020 05:53

I agree it's weird. We, realistically can afford to get the whole family back once every 5 years, but usually GP's visit us once a year. So whilst we're used to not going back, we're not used to not seeing them for so long. We could scrape together enough for one of us to go back, and I'm 99% certain IL's would help out if it was a real emergency. I dread to think what prices are going to be like though. Or connections as it was never an easy place to get to.