Going "home" - need you to talk me down really

[DramaDromedary]

Hi everyone. It's Monday, and I'm struggling with homeschooling and drowning in worksheets from my children's German primary school, so please bear with me.

We live in Germany, and my family, including elderly (but otherwise healthy) parents, are all in the UK. We Zoom every weekend, and talk more than we did before lockdown, as I'm sure a lot of people do. My mum is famously stoical - never says anything even vaguely emotional, and talks about "old people" like she isn't one of them - she's 78. I was on the phone to her the other night, and she suddenly burst into tears, and said that when she was lying awake at 3am, in her lowest moments, she wondered whether she would ever see me again.

This has really got to me. And I suppose I've started wondering the same. I can't see the time when we'll be able to travel again, and certainly not easily like we used to. I've started to mull over the logistics of flying over there and holing up in a part of my parents' house for 2 weeks to quarantine, staying a further week with them, and then coming home to Germany and holing up for another 2 weeks here. I mean, it's doable, but it would mean leaving my husband behind to feed the cat, and I'm not sure he'd go for it. Then I think, it's ridiculous, what would I do with the children there for 3 weeks, without any of their toys. We could easily catch CV on the plane, and if we're going to have it, I'd much rather be in Germany, iykwim!! Not to mention the possibility of giving it to my parents, however much we tried to stay away from them when we got there. And then I think, arguably, if we don't do it now, while the children aren't at school and their summer holidays will be here soon anyway, when WILL we see our family again??

So basically, I just wondered what the thoughts of other overseas dwellers were. Do you have these thoughts about your families too? Do you see your lives abroad differently now? How can I get over this and go back to being alright with it, like I was before? (I've inherited the stoical gene, and tend to just get on with things - but my mum's tears have really thrown me for a loop). I'd really love to chat about it.

@Glitterbaby17 absolutely. I was in London for 9 years and always thought well I'm only 24 hours away from home...one day, that's doable!

We moved back to Australia in late 2018 and I'm so relieved to be home, but more so to just not be in London.

Dh is Irish and we were going back in June for a visit. He is used to living away from home so he's doing ok but we have a pretty settled life here.

I always felt just a little claustrophobic in London, sort of had that flight or fight kind of thing going on. If you're feeling homesick to start with then this pandemic is so much worse for you.

Skype on a laptop is your friend in those early new born days! I used to set it up and let dd1 natter away for ages while I pottered around/feed dd2 etc. It really nurtured a more natural relationship with dd1 and my DP as they were really patient letting her also potter in and out of the room during their calls.

Will you make the move home after all this do you think?

@habibihabibi
I read your username and thought ah! she must be in an Arabic speaking country too.

We live overseas but ironically we were planning to relocate back to the UK in the summer. I had planned to fly to the UK on 4th May to take my Golden Retriever to stay with family ahead of our departure as a family in July. This is now all scrapped, we have no idea what we are now doing. I've spent the last 6 months preparing my town DS's for the move. My parents came out to visit us in October. As they are getting older I make sure that every time I say goodbye, I hold the picture of them in my head. But for some reason, the picture has vanished. I've no idea when I will see them again. Like Habibihabibi the last repatriation flight has left and we were told that if we didn't get on it were had to be prepared to stay here until flights run again, whenever that might me. The one-way flight was really expensive and wouldn't accept dogs. Also, we would have to stay with my parents initially and they are vulnerable.

As someone said, I lived here for 10 years and always comforted by the fact that I could hop on a plane anytime I wanted. I'm scared this is going to drag on and on and on dark days, that I'll never see my parents again.

This isa worry for us. Baby due any day, and family were all due to fly over in the next few weeks and months to visit. We could drive back to Uk if needed (takes 2-3 days), but wouldn't really help if we need to quarantine on arrival, and borders could be a problem.

With a new baby this year, I'm not sure I would want to fly or even receive family here right now, as where we are we are pretty much in a safe bubble. We have space, low infections in this country, good healthcare etc... I would worry about visitors bringing anything over to new baby, or us travelling and putting him in harms way unnecessarily. But all of that means family wouldn't meet first grandchild for months and months, potentially not before he's 1 year...

I understand. I live overseas and can't stop thinking about going home. In the real world, my DH and I don't have jobs in the UK and my kids don't have school places so we need to stay where we are. Something about a global crisis makes you think of home - I worry I'm never going to see my dad again. I live in a country that is being particularly draconian about not letting you back in if you leave the country so we can't take that risk at the moment. I feel miserable every day though and just want to be a bit physically closer to my parents and friends so I could see them straight away once this shit is over.

I think a lot of expats are going to reassess where they want to be after this - when you can’t get home it all changes a lot

Completely agree with this Glitterbaby17; we will certainly be reevaluating just as soon as it is sensible to do so.

"I think a lot of expats are going to reassess where they want to be after this - when you can’t get home it all changes a lot"

The problem is when one partner is from one country and one is from another.

Either way, me or my husband are always on the opposite side of the world from one set of parents.

Sometimes wish he just came from Wigan.

,Either way, me or my husband are always on the opposite side of the world from one set of parents*
Ditto for me. Our two home country capitals are geographically the furthest apart in the world. Only now to I remember my mother cautioning me.
Expat life seemed to be a happy compromise, alternating hemispheres for family holiday visits,meeting family halfway somewhere.

Another long term expat here - 21 years in U.K. and Oz seems much further than a 19hr plane trip away (even if you could get on a flight) and I share similar feelings with a lot of you!

Sorry for those of you who have relatives or parents who are unwell in far off shores. Does really make you think “do I really want to stay living here”? I always felt I had choice, two passports and the freedom to travel when, how and where I wanted to go, but now that has been taken away. I feel well and truly trapped and as others have said it’s not that easy just getting on a plane and rebuilding your life in your home town!

I too worry about my elderly mother and in-laws neither of which are in good health and miss my sister who is recovering from breast cancer, talking on the phone, Skyping etc just doesn’t seem enough anymore. Wish I had the answers but sharing our thoughts/concerns with others who understand does help!

As an "expat" (prefer immigrant) with a hatred of flying and not much spare cash anyway, my trips back have almost always been by rail or car so I don't think it will change my view on where to live. I appreciate those who live further away don't have that option though.

I wouldn't return to the UK to live. I can't imagine persuading DH since Brexit sent the "we don't want you" message loud and clear. By contrast Germany and our local officials made it really easy for me to get German citizenship and several officials said "Britain's loss, our gain". So as a British-German family we don't really feel we'd be as welcome back in the UK as we are here.

I already felt quite bitter about the UK in that context, and the pandemic and travel restrictions are a nail in the coffin, creating that feeling that the country that doesn't really want us as a family is metaphorically even further away.

I find the reports of jingoism in the UK (clap for the NHS not for healthcare workers - what about all the non NHS care home workers? Are they less frontline than NHS administrators working from home?) in relation to covid-19 very alienating too.

Tbh it's yet another thing that makes me feel displaced or exhiled, and the UK seems less like "home" than ever.

I so resent the loss of freedom to move around Europe that Brexit represents and covid-19 compounds.

So as a British-German family we don't really feel we'd be as welcome back in the UK as we are here.
This! I've lived in England so know what it's like living as an outsider even though I'm British and don't want that for my DC who have yet another layer of outsiderness on them. We'll be staying put.

I think everyone's finding it difficult. I live in another country to my parents and haven't seen them since new year. I had one planned trip home and my parents one here, both cancelled obviously. It could be another few months before we see them again but what can we do?

My kids keep asking will we see grandparents and cousins in the summer and I just don't know the answer.

(Plus we have a 1976 UK registered campervan which needs an MOT... eeeek)

I feel very like poolsofsunshine, tbh (just come back to this thread now). 'Displaced and exiled' about sums it up, and I had the same experience in gaining German citizenship.

@poolsofsunshine It's "Clap for carers" rather than clap for the NHS in the UK although understandably there's a lot of gratitude for the NHS currently.

to all those overseas feeling far from family back home. I only live 2 hours' drive from my parents but even that feels impossibly far at the moment and I wonder when I will be able to see them again.

mocktail clap for carers sounds infectious less idiotic than clap for the NHS. It sounds from here as though ordinary people aren't being allowed to access the NHS until it's too late though - have people in the UK got any idea how astoundingly badly they're doing compared to most countries? Deaths in the UK have outstripped Spain now.

There is a scandal locally because an asylum seeker wasn't taken into hospital quickly enough - he'd had a temperature for 6 days before he was admitted. He spent 3 weeks in hospital before dying of covid-19. In the UK it sounds as though that's par for the course and instead of asking why it took so long to admit him, people would be saying his bereaved family should be grateful to the NHS for admitting him at all.

There are so many different factors affecting infection rates (obesity levels, age of population, family structures, climate, etc etc) that I think it's hard to compare different countries. Also the UK have, rightly or wrongly, chosen to have a less severe lockdown than Italy, Spain and France, which will also affect the number of deaths in the first wave. Whether this is a good strategy longer term or not only time will tell. We've certainly made mistakes but I'm choosing to be optimistic.

I'm increasingly thinking that the UK's "keep calm and carry on" style of"optimism" is actually pessimistic... It's very much a blinkered, unquestioning acceptance instead of asking hard questions which could lead to improvement. Stoicism at best.

It doesn't matter where you live, stay at home means exactly that. My mum is 10 miles away and the same rules apply as they do if she lives 1000,s of miles away. Maybe plan a visit when all this is over.

I lived in Germany for more than 20 years and moved back to the UK a few years ago. Now I live a couple of hours drive from my Mum but still can’t go and see her. My MIL died last week of covid 19 in a care home and my husband couldn’t go and see her either. So it doesn’t really make much difference at the moment where you live. Until the restrictions are lifted you can’t see them anyway.

I do understand about their German worksheets though! I have spent many hours (years) of my life helping the kids out with those!

It doesn't matter where you live, stay at home means exactly that. My mum is 10 miles away and the same rules apply as they do if she lives 1000,s of miles away. Maybe plan a visit when all this is over.

You misunderstand. I had a planned trip home at a time I am not working over the summer. When the lockdowns in both countries lift I will have to go to work - I will not be able to visit home straight away so I won't see my parents for an extended amount of time - probably Christmas.

I think the patriotic-jingoistic tone of a lot of the UK response is more obvious when you're outside it. I get advertising emails from M&S UK and got two (different ones) in one day last week talking about how we should 'support our British farmers'. I was soon imagining how that would go down in Germany.

And yes to what would amount to a scandal here (and is considered more of a scandal when it affects someone vulnerable, as all but the most extreme political elements recognise an asylum seeker to be) seeming fairly common, if not routine, in the UK.

Reassuring to read other people are feeling the same, I was supposed to be heading home in July for a couple of weeks that's now not going to happen. I'm in a country that isn't going to be top priority for airlines to start flights from and chances are they'll be dam expensive when they do restart. I love expat life but it gets me down when UK friends tell me they haven't seen family friends etc for weeks also. I last saw my parents and grandparents 8 months ago realistically even when lockdown lift it's going to take months for the travel industry to get back to normal I'm currently hoping I can get home for Christmas but trying not to pin everything on that

Just checking in with you all. In same situation - may not be able to go back to U.K. to see family until ?christmas but who knows what will be happening then. May be more lockdowns and even if not no reason to think it will be any safer to see family than it is now. Have two young children who miss their grandparents terribly. Feeling really low.