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Living overseas

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Original poster

Going "home" - need you to talk me down really

79 replies

DramaDromedary · 27/04/2020 15:01

Hi everyone. It's Monday, and I'm struggling with homeschooling and drowning in worksheets from my children's German primary school, so please bear with me.

We live in Germany, and my family, including elderly (but otherwise healthy) parents, are all in the UK. We Zoom every weekend, and talk more than we did before lockdown, as I'm sure a lot of people do. My mum is famously stoical - never says anything even vaguely emotional, and talks about "old people" like she isn't one of them - she's 78. I was on the phone to her the other night, and she suddenly burst into tears, and said that when she was lying awake at 3am, in her lowest moments, she wondered whether she would ever see me again.

This has really got to me. And I suppose I've started wondering the same. I can't see the time when we'll be able to travel again, and certainly not easily like we used to. I've started to mull over the logistics of flying over there and holing up in a part of my parents' house for 2 weeks to quarantine, staying a further week with them, and then coming home to Germany and holing up for another 2 weeks here. I mean, it's doable, but it would mean leaving my husband behind to feed the cat, and I'm not sure he'd go for it. Then I think, it's ridiculous, what would I do with the children there for 3 weeks, without any of their toys. We could easily catch CV on the plane, and if we're going to have it, I'd much rather be in Germany, iykwim!! Not to mention the possibility of giving it to my parents, however much we tried to stay away from them when we got there. And then I think, arguably, if we don't do it now, while the children aren't at school and their summer holidays will be here soon anyway, when WILL we see our family again??

So basically, I just wondered what the thoughts of other overseas dwellers were. Do you have these thoughts about your families too? Do you see your lives abroad differently now? How can I get over this and go back to being alright with it, like I was before? (I've inherited the stoical gene, and tend to just get on with things - but my mum's tears have really thrown me for a loop). I'd really love to chat about it.

OP posts:
CrumpetyTea · 28/04/2020 06:00

Its hard. We're in Australia and can't really leave- if we do currently we aren't allowed back in and I need to work. But logically even if I was back in the UK we wouldn't be able to see elderly parents or family. my mum lives a few minutes away from my sister and isn't seeing her.
I'm just pleased we went back at Xmas (I was considering waiting until easter..) For me it just brings it more into focus that if anyone got sick in the UK its really hard to get back to be with them

franke · 28/04/2020 06:05

I'm also in Europe and have had similar thoughts but it's just not feasible or responsible to go back. Just keep up the communication. My elderly mother has become a master WhatsApper during lockdown so communication is much more lighthearted somehow. When I do go back, hopefully before the end of the year, I plan to drive rather than fly.

But I hear you. It's tough. We have to keep those dark thoughts away and somehow stay positive.

Florrieboo · 28/04/2020 06:08

We are in Australia and both of our families are in Ireland, we only have ourselves here and it makes me so lonely. My DH has been sick for almost 6 weeks now and has had numerous hospital trips, I am getting more and more down and worry that I will never see my parents again. This is the hardest thing we have ever been through in many years of living overseas.

TanteRose · 28/04/2020 06:14

Japan here

Think about this every day - my dad has final stage cancer and is deteriorating day by day.
If I go back, I would have to quarantine for two weeks before seeing him (so in effect, wouldn't get to see him anyway - he may not have that long), and then would not be allowed back to Japan anyway (if they lift that restriction, then I would have two more weeks quarantine on the way back and I have to work)

I won't be seeing my dad again, I'm pretty sure of that.
I went back at Xmas and was ready to jump back on a plane but now that's impossible Sad

TanteRose · 28/04/2020 06:15

the PP who said that world feels so enormous, is spot on.
Used to feel so small, but now the distances are vast

TheSkyWasDark · 28/04/2020 06:18

@TanteRose That's terrible, I'm so sorry.

Itsnotalwaysfair · 28/04/2020 06:26

OP I also desperately looked up how I could get home to UK and missing my mum a lot. Should be on holiday with them now which was a gift for her 75 birthday. Instead we are video calling and she hasn't left her house in well over a month. Its difficult when we don't know how much time we have left with them. But I try telling myself we never know how much time we have so I try to enjoy the calls because we still have them. We are so far safe and well and have enough to eat. I know that doesn't sound really upbeat. It is how I'm managing to not get too down about it. I really understand how you feel.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2020 06:26

I’m really sorry you’re struggling. It is a very anxious time right now. As others have said, this will pass. It is a stage in your life. Idk why your level of German is like. However, having lived there for a few years myself, I would find it tough and can imagine trying to get to grips with that with more than one child must be hard on you.

Give yourself the right to not do all the school work and do some fun activities instead if it gets too much. Don’t underestimated just how stressful it is to live in a different country with young children. I witnessed a relationship collapse when living in Germany. The trailing spouse cracked because she was cut off from her support structure and went home with her kids and living away from family wasn’t for her.

If it is getting too much, do allow yourself to explore ways of getting back to the U.K. for a while even if your children miss some school when school start back. You now know a bit more about homeschooling and could always do this for a few weeks in English staying with your mum. Or could your mum come and stay with you for protracted periods?

Bottom line, you will see your mum again. Restrictions are very slowly and cautiously being lifted. Nothing is as black and white as it feels right now.

Itsnotalwaysfair · 28/04/2020 06:27

tanterose I'm so sorry

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2020 06:28

TanteRose
I have just seen your post. I’m so sorry . Flowers

TanteRose · 28/04/2020 06:35

thanks Flowers

its hard but its what we have to deal with, isn't it?
even without the pandemic, there have been all those weddings and funerals that I haven't been able to get to...kind of resigned myself to it

CatteStreet · 28/04/2020 06:46

OP, you really don't want to be leaving Germany - especially not for the UK - right now. I underatand how desperate that must feel, but it would give you relief from one problem/negative emotion while throwing up a whole lot of others - the disruption to your children, the increased risk etc.

I'm in Germany too and have the massive psychological advantage right now of no longer having family in the UK. So I can't 'get it', but I do 'get it'. Suddenly borders are real again.

The two of mine who are old enough to be in school are both in secondary (which has its own issues...), so I do have sympathy with you having to deal with primary schooling. But most teachers don't expect parental heroics right now. They just want you to keep the dc vaguely on course, and they will definitely be doing a lot of pulling together of the overall class level when things resume. Wjereabouts are you?

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 28/04/2020 06:47

I'm three hours away from the UK, not seen my family since Christmas. I have one DN I've only seen once and another now I've never seen. I worry about my parents mostly and the fact that I couldn't even visit them if they were to get sick. It's hard to bully them into being cautious (they're not, particularly) over the phone from 3000 miles away!

I know we are much safer where we are than in the UK (and we can't get there even if we wanted to) so no thoughts of returning for duration of the virus. Funnily enough though we have been talking about 'going back' in the long term. Even with all the shit that's been going on the last few years I still miss many things about the UK and one of those things is the kids being able to see the wider family regularly. Skype is great but it's not the same.

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 28/04/2020 07:02

We are abroad as well. One parent is ill in a care home in the UK. It’s a worry that we can’t go over - we had booked to go but the flights were cancelled

I think we might try to drive over in the summer if it’s possible - would take a long time but seems safer than flying. Could you plan something like that for the summer holidays?

londonrach · 28/04/2020 07:40

My dh, df, dsis and inlaws live an hour away in uk and not seen them since lockdown. An hour in the car before lockdown was nothing now seems miles. I cant image how you feel if you need to get a plane too. You right the world seems huge now

Seventyone72seventy3 · 28/04/2020 07:42

Tanterose Flowers

I've thought about this a lot. I'm in Italy and I last saw my parents in August. They were due to come here and see us in March but obviously that was cancelled. No idea when we will see them again. I don't think we will be going abroad this summer. When our schools shut in February, I did for a brief moment think of taking the children to see them but realised that we would have to quarantine (and everyone would probably hate us for coming from Italy, despite the fact that we hadn't had any cases where I live at that point!)

I think we might try to drive over in the summer if it’s possible - would take a long time but seems safer than flying. Could you plan something like that for the summer holidays?
Where are you starting from? We always drive over from North Italy to Southern England and have done since the kids were babies. I can't imagine it will be possible this summer though.

Footle · 28/04/2020 07:44

@Theyweretheworstoftimes , you put that very well.

JE17 · 28/04/2020 07:58

You have my sympathy - I’m also battling with a reluctant learner and the dreaded worksheets from German primary school. All our family is in the UK and under normal circumstances we have frequent visits in both directions. I’m having the same thoughts as you about when we’ll be able to travel again. I’ve also been thinking of crazy plans about how we could manage to visit, but in reality I know it won’t be possible while the restrictions are as they are now.

Original poster
DramaDromedary · 28/04/2020 09:33

Yes, I prefer to drive really, but I don’t anticipate even that being possible by the summer. At least not in a way that doesn’t involve 5 weeks of upheaval, as outlined in my OP.

I’m so sorry to hear of your various struggles. Tante in particular- sending you strength. It really helps, actually, to know that I’m not overdramatising (I always worry about this because, y’know, my mother!!!)

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 28/04/2020 10:48

I've read all this thread and can't emphasise with any of you as I have no family but I still wanted to say I am sorry you are struggling. I have two friends who are 400 miles away and in their 80s who are very precious to me and I will be visiting them as soon as I can.

Take care everyone.

Freeasabirdy · 28/04/2020 10:53

I am so sorry for those of you with parents so unwell, I haven’t seen mine since Christmas but it must be much worse for many of you who would like to say your goodbyes.

poolsofsunshine · 28/04/2020 13:22

Germany doesn't really do the warm and fuzzy "just do a little bit when you can, if you can, otherwise just take care of each other" style homeschooling message does it? We're very much expected to do all the (large amount of) work set, including for Grundschule.

I am glad to be in Germany with my children because our odds seem better, but I feel a bit trapped and guilty.

Tbh. what I feel is more guilt than genuine desperation to see my parents - my mum's a bit the opposite of yours DramaDromedary and has tendencies towards sentimentality and emotional blackmail, but to be fair she's always been very good indeed about us living overseas, partly because my parents did so themselves when my siblings and I were small, and even when they returned to the UK they lived at the other end from their own parents.

My dad's health is generally poor and my mum often tells everyone that she's unusually fit and healthy for her age but this is full on delusional really as she has almost every high risk health condition! I feel very guilty that they aren't seeing their grandchildren because they've started mentioning it, but they've only ever seen them twice per year, I think it's the realising that they actually can't...

The world does seem bigger and I feel more trapped - that started with Brexit (DH is German so we couldn't just casually move back to the UK even though he lived there when we met and has paid into a state pension there) and travel restrictions now increase that massively. It's as though we're going back in time, ease of travel wise, to the early 1970s with Brexit and now further ...

poolsofsunshine · 28/04/2020 13:23

Tanterose I'm so sorry to read about your dad.

habibihabibi · 29/04/2020 05:15

I think this situation will have a big impact on expat postings tbh. We are in KSA which is a hard sell at the best of times but without the odd weekend trip to Dubai ,the opportunity to have a holiday at halfterm and the summers at home/abroad nobody is going to want to come.

Glitterbaby17 · 29/04/2020 05:40

We are in Australia and I didn’t really want to come (we’ve been here since 2018). Desperately scared my Dad who has some healthcare issues, or my sister who is a frontline doctor will get ill and I won’t be able to get home. Expecting another baby in July and my parents were coming over, and am sad I don’t know when they will meet him: My 3 year old is missing Granny and Grandpa. We were travelling home in September and it all just feels a bit grim. I think a lot of expats are going to reassess where they want to be after this - when you can’t get home it all changes a lot.