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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

Leaving a child behind...

82 replies

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 10:08

We are currently considering moving abroad to increase our quality of life.

We have an 19 year old daughter currently at university here in the UK, who has said that she isn't sure whether she wants to come with us or not, but that if its a good opportunity for us, we should take it either way. Our other children are younger and so would be coming with us.

Am I a terrible parent for even considering moving and leaving our daughter behind here in the UK?

I can't decide whether I'm being an bit of an over precious parent, I know there are many children who get educated abroad from their parents for all sorts of reasons, or selfish for doing what suits us.

She would obviously fly out to us every holiday etc. but I'm struggling with the idea of not being 'on tap' for her if she needs us.

OP posts:

moumoute · 26/10/2018 10:42

Hi! Where would you move? Is it far? Is your daughter independent? Maybe she would enjoy visiting if you move to a very nice corner of the world...but...I find it hard for her!

PotteringAlong · 26/10/2018 10:43

She’s 19 and at uni so she doesn’t live with you anyway. She’ll be fine.

Rainbowturkey · 26/10/2018 10:44

Would taking her even be an option? Would she be able to work there if she wanted or would she need to apply for a visa?

HerestoyouMrsRobinson · 26/10/2018 10:45

Just go for it. She's an adult and she herself thinks you should. You can talk with her really easily online, it's not like she has to wait for an airmail letter to arrive!

rightreckoner · 26/10/2018 10:45

Honestly? No I couldn’t do this. 19 is an adult but one who still needs their parents very much. At 25 - maybe.

Obviously you could logistically and legally do this but she would lose out. And your younger children would be a part of your new life in a way that she wouldn’t so she’d be losing you being in proximity and losing her place in the family.

Original poster

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 10:46

Hi,

She is independent and currently lives about 3 hours away by car. With changes, it takes her about 4/5 hours on the train.

The opportunity is in Shanghai, so pretty much as far as it is possible to go! It's initially for a 2 year post. I have looked into the possibilities of her coming and studying there, even if only for year, but I'm not sure she wants to give up her life here, which I completely understand.

OP posts:

itwillbealrightpromise · 26/10/2018 10:47

Whereabouts are you thinking of moving to? France, Spain etc is a lot more manageable than, say, Australia.

How far away is her uni from where you currently live? Does she often visit during term? Where would she stay during the holidays? Do you have family in the UK? (Sorry for all the questions!)

I don't think it's selfish nor impossible, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself worrying either.

nellly · 26/10/2018 10:47

I think this is totally fine unless she has some
Additional needs. She can be with you every holiday if she wants as Would have been the case at home. Yes the family dynamic will change but it does anyway when one moves out. I still remember visiting my parents at holidays and they and my younger siblings had new jokes and events that I wasn't part of. It's part of moving up and on.

The help most students need is financial anyway when they've run out of money lol you'd still be able help there!

rightreckoner · 26/10/2018 10:48

So a temporary career move not a lifestyle move ? I think that does make a difference tbh.

Original poster

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 10:49

Rightreckoner...this is very much part of my feelings about it all. We would move over summer, so she would be with us all for this first month or so before returning to the UK until Xmas.

But as you say. It does feel a bit like the rest of the family abandoning her!

OP posts:

NationalShiteDay · 26/10/2018 10:49

It's absolutely fine. Go forth and enjoy!

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 10:49

She's an adult who is, and always will be, your child, but she's not a child . Leaving an actual child behind would be pretty much inexcusable, but leaving your adult daughter at university with the always available option of joining you and being completely welcome is absolutely appropriate and no more of an issue than moving elsewhere in the same country without her.

The only liss is she won't be combining visiting you with visiting her old school friends, so you might see her less. You're not abandoning your financial obligations to her nor proposing not to welcome her to spend university holidays with you, so it's really fine IMO. You can't live your life around adult offspring who've effectively left home.

PotteringAlong · 26/10/2018 10:50

She’s already 5 hours away then. Worst case scenario you can be back with her in 24. It’s not like you’ll never see her again. Honestly, she’s telling you to go. It’s completely understandable that she doesn’t want to give up her life here. If you want to go, just go.

helpfulperson · 26/10/2018 10:52

At 19 many 'children' are off backpacking around the world and not close to parental support. If she is happy then go for it. But be prepared that she may not actually want to visit for every holiday (that might be the case even if you lived close by). At 19 she will be starting to build her own life.

HoustonBess · 26/10/2018 10:52

Shanghai is quite far! Do you have other close friends or family she could call on in a crisis? Even at 19 sometimes you just need to go somewhere where you'll get a hug, a hot dinner and a nice bath.

rightreckoner · 26/10/2018 10:52

Most other posters think it’s fine so I’m obviously a bit odd!

I would view it differently if it was a career move with you planning on coming back in 2 years. Then it’s an adventure and one she could share in a bit. But to move to the other side of the world permanently with younger children permanently ? I couldn’t.

SwedishEdith · 26/10/2018 10:55

but leaving your adult daughter at university with the always available option of joining you.

But could she just join you?

Do you have other children who'd be going with you? Do your kids all have the same dad? What do you mean by "independent"? My eldest is "independent" but would still be really upset if we all left for another country that she couldn't visit that easily.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/10/2018 10:57

I am an expat and we see this quite a bit. One friend put it like this... 'she was off having her adventures and we went on ours.."

How does she feel about it? How far away will you be? Will you be able to afford to fly back if needed? In time, she will also want to put down roots which may not be where you are. Are you prepared to come and spend holidays in the UK with her as well as have her come spend holidays with you?

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 11:03

I think attitudes to this depend heavily on personal background. I've always valued my independence and left my parental home two weeks after my 18th birthday to live in India for 6 months and then backpack around SE Asia. I returned to visit my parents for two weeks, then visited a couple of friends elsewhere in the UK, back to my parents for a week then off to uni. Once I was at uni I stayed there to work through holidays as casual jobs near my parents were non existent and transport links were terrible. I've never spent more than a week at my parents' house since in one stretch. I cant fathom uni students going to their parents for a bath! It's a 5 hour journey for the OP's DD now (it was for me too) so it seems unlikely to be her reality!

For a 19 year old parents and siblings are a psychological base and safety net, but there's no need for physical proximity. I wouldn't have dreamt of calling my parents to come and help me with anything while at uni, and was comfortable and happy living away.

Those who spent every weekend and university holidays "at home" and moved back in after uni, or stayed living with parents after school for several years, probably have a different take on being 19 and physical proximity to parents.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/10/2018 11:07

Shanghai is a long way.. also she has not grown up around people who do this regularly. We see families where children study all over the world and come back to catch up with family and friends and some who go 'home' to university where they have connections to extended family. Being an expat and a child of an expat does make one somewhat rootless but with obligations which prevent you from being truly free to roam and find your own freedom.

rightreckoner · 26/10/2018 11:07

blueskies if it was the daughter moving away there wouldn’t be a question. I’m sure we all did lots of travel and gap years at that age. That’s quite right and normal. It’s not about whether the daughter will actually cope as I’m sure she will. Indeed she could be studying abroad herself. This is about parents leaving. Which signals a whole lot of other things potentially.

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 11:09

Swedish I don't mean joining them spur of the moment for the evening, I mean the parental door remains open metaphorically. If everything goes pear shaped for the OP's DD she'll have a home with her parents. She could decide to move to Shanghai with them later. They aren't abandoning her because the offer to come and live in Shanghai and build a life there remains permanently on the table for the DD.

She still has her safety net because they'll always be her base. She isn't aline in the world.

IMO that's what you need at 19. It doesn't matter how many miles away your parents are, it matters that they have your back.

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 11:12

right you're right that adult children moving away is more usual, but my point was that support for a 19 year old is financial and psychological/ emotional. I don't think parents need to be physically close by.

Original poster

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 11:12

She is currently very independently. Being relatively far away now means that she isn't able to just pop home to get her washing done etc. We currently struggle financially and so are not able to support her at all in that way. She has student loans and a job. The move would give us some disposable income and so would allow financial support if needed at times.

My sister and her family live here in the UK who would act as an emergency contact I guess.

We chat through Skype or WhatsApp most days, which I assume would continue. She just has the option of coming home for a weekend if she wanted at the moment...she wouldn't if we moved.

The other thing I have thought about (but not sure whether it's just me trying to justify it!) is that she is studying Zoology with intention of travel. Us being in the far east may well help her once she finishes (if we stay out there that long).

OP posts:

Original poster

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 11:17

If I knew that she was completely happy with the situation, I think I would be ok. But I guess my concern is that she is saying 'go for it' just because she doesn't want us to miss out, not that she is actually ok about it.

There is something different about a child leaving a parent as opposed to a parent leaving a child.

But, I also have to consider my other children too..this could be an amazing opportunity for them.

It's such a hard decision to make and I'm terrified of making the wrong one!

OP posts:

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