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Living overseas

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Original poster

Leaving a child behind...

82 replies

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 10:08

We are currently considering moving abroad to increase our quality of life.

We have an 19 year old daughter currently at university here in the UK, who has said that she isn't sure whether she wants to come with us or not, but that if its a good opportunity for us, we should take it either way. Our other children are younger and so would be coming with us.

Am I a terrible parent for even considering moving and leaving our daughter behind here in the UK?

I can't decide whether I'm being an bit of an over precious parent, I know there are many children who get educated abroad from their parents for all sorts of reasons, or selfish for doing what suits us.

She would obviously fly out to us every holiday etc. but I'm struggling with the idea of not being 'on tap' for her if she needs us.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 26/10/2018 11:17

Well, that's what I mean. As she's over 18, how easy would it be for her to move to Shanghai? She can't just move there because her parents are there.

5 hours away in the UK is different from a flight across the world. A child can easily come home for a birthday/Christmas for a night or two. Shanghai means every trip is a longer holiday, using up their leave/holidays which they may become reluctant to do. Everyone might be fine with that but it's not the same as living in the UK/Europe.

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 11:21

Visa wise you probably have a point Swedish -though it could doubtless be sorted out. For visits during the next 2 years during which the DD has long university holidays I don't think it's a reason not to go, though the DD may choose to visit less. The DD would quite likely choose to visit less if they moved out of say London to rural Suffolk too though...

Slitheringcorpsefeed · 26/10/2018 11:27

I think you are the only one who can make a judgement about this op (difficult though it is!). So much depends on your daughter's individual character. I know one very confident independent 19 yr old who went off happily to attend a university in the states and has never looked back! Another went to uni in the UK, came home every other weekend, had a few wobbles but survived to get their degree, then came straight home again afterwards where they lived until they were 25 yrs, and still needs quite a bit of support.

Thinking about it, it wouldn't be the university years that would worry me the most if I as on the other side of the world, because at uni there is purpose, structure, companionship and "sheltered" living of sorts! It's the tricky time afterwards when DC need to find their feet in the world, their first job, when everything can be about unsettling...in fact I personally think that time of life can be more challenging than adolescence in some circs.

Having said all of the above, you have other DC to consider and need to do what is best for you all as a family.

Best of luck with your decision!

Slitheringcorpsefeed · 26/10/2018 11:31

argh

about unsettling = a bit unsettling

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 11:33

OP if you're struggling financially now, will you be able to subsidise her flying out to visit you? I do think that is something you should definitely expect to pay for, as you're the ones moving.

Would you keep a property in the UK?

I think this kind of move is easier for families with high incomes sadly. It's harder to cushion the adult offspring from any negative impact if money is tight.

Can she stay in her university accommodation year round if she wants and needs to, or is it a 40 week contract?

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 11:39

We wouldn't be struggling over there. We are aiming to save quite a bit over the first 2 years. The employer will pay for 2 flights a year and we would fund the rest.

Housing is paid for there and cost of living in lower, but we would be earning far more with an expat package.

OP posts:
TheKitchenWitch · 26/10/2018 11:43

Do it. Absolutely.
If she was living at home while at Uni and it would mean chucking her out then I'd have a rethink, but like this totally. So many dc of friends have buggered off for a year or so to study abroad during their time at uni.

MumUndone · 26/10/2018 12:53

You must do this - your daughter has said she's fine with you going, and you've said she can come with you if she wants, or come over every holiday. It's a great opportunity for her as well as you.

GemmeFatale · 26/10/2018 13:04

Do it. It’s a wonderful opportunity for your family. There is always a flight if you/she need it. You can come home with some spare cash in your pocket if it doesn’t work out

NorthernSpirit · 26/10/2018 13:12

Yes, you should go. She’s 19, an adult and living independently from you. If she wants to see you she can jump on a flight.

My OH’s dad was in the army and travelled the world. At 10 he was put in boarding school in the U.K. That was too young. Your daughter will be fine, you’ll be back in 2 years.

WyfOfBathe · 26/10/2018 17:03

Although it's possible, it's unlikely that you or her will have an emergency which requires the other being there within less than a day.

Is there someone a little bit detached (an aunt, godmother, etc) who could find out your DD's opinion? Just in case she currently feels that she has to say that she's okay with it. Of course, even if she wasn't sure about it that shouldn't necessarily stop you going, but you might want to take it into consideration.

blueskiesandforests · 26/10/2018 17:17

The theoretical potential genuine emergency scenario would stop people goung on long haul holidays if it needed consideration in this case. I think that one's really only a reason not to go if she has a known health condition or is prone to more risk taking behaviour than average.

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 17:21

She’s not a child though. At her age I moved to the opposite side of the earth. With Skype and affordable flights it’s rwally not necessary to live in the same country as the rest of your family.

HotInWinter · 26/10/2018 17:32

How old are the other kids?
Will you be working?

It's something I'm very used to, and see lots of people flying to see kids, and counting days in various countries to ensure they meet visa and tax requirements!

But I'm freeking out as 2 people recently have suggested my 2 primary age kids could board in the UK while in stay in the middle east....

Join 2 fat expats on facebook. There are several people (and maybe a podcast?) talking about having older kids back home while you are abroad.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/10/2018 20:16

Write down all the pros and cons. If you go for it.. make sure you make the most of all the pros. Book those visits home, send her more money, book a holiday to an orangutang sanctuary. .

Cherries101 · 26/10/2018 20:19

Can you afford to bring her over regularly for visits? If so go for it, if not then you might end up losing the closeness of your relationship. It’s not easy to call or facetime across that timezone.

Loopytiles · 26/10/2018 20:21

Are the other DC teens too? If so won’t the expat stint disrupt their education and school place?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/10/2018 20:22

I couldn’t do it.

19 is technically an adult but still a teenager. Too young for me to leave.

squadronleader87 · 26/10/2018 20:24

My parents did this when I was at uni and it worked out fine for everyone. I got free holidays to somewhere I'd never normally go. My family came home when they could and we all benefited from the expat lifestyle and salary package.

I have a family of my own now and I'd do the same if the opportunity ever arose.

user1457017537 · 26/10/2018 20:26

Have you been to China. I wouldn’t relocate anywhere I hadn’t where I hadn’t spent time visiting. I think you are being idealistic to move your family there.

LynetteScavo · 26/10/2018 20:35

Overall you should go. I say this as the mother of a 19yo at Uni 3 hours drive away.

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 20:36

Idealistic?...Why do you assume I am so naïve?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 20:38

squadronleader87 where did your parents move to?

OP posts:
Lunde · 26/10/2018 20:39

I would do a lot of research before moving to China - especially with children. Although I have lived in several countries I would never choose China or Shanghai because of the air quality and pollution issues that cause major lung problems, especially in children. Pollution and smog had been declining but have increased this year in Shanghai. www.timeoutshanghai.com/features/Blog-News/52234/Shanghais-average-air-pollution-levels-overtake-Beijing-.html

When it comes to leaving a college age child you have to consider how you will feel if you are not able to get to her if there is a major emergency - my 20 year old DD had pneumonia and a suspected pulmonary embolism at Uni and we were glad we were only a few hours away. Also she probably could not come and live with you because of visa restrictions

Longdistance · 26/10/2018 20:40

I’m gonna be on the fence with you on this one. My sil moved back from Oz and left her 2 sons behind aged 18 and 20. I was dubious about the move.
Well, 2 years down the line, the older one came to the Uk for a year out, and he went back to finish uni, all good.
The younger one though was in and out of trouble, he came to the uk and his mum and dad were constantly cleaning up after him, no motivation to do anything, so he went back to Oz and he’s been beach dealing drugs 🙄 and in and out of situations again.
Though, I do think their parenting is to blame for some of it (they are strange people for sure), erm, according to lots if dhs family.