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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Leaving a child behind...

82 replies

Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 10:08

We are currently considering moving abroad to increase our quality of life.

We have an 19 year old daughter currently at university here in the UK, who has said that she isn't sure whether she wants to come with us or not, but that if its a good opportunity for us, we should take it either way. Our other children are younger and so would be coming with us.

Am I a terrible parent for even considering moving and leaving our daughter behind here in the UK?

I can't decide whether I'm being an bit of an over precious parent, I know there are many children who get educated abroad from their parents for all sorts of reasons, or selfish for doing what suits us.

She would obviously fly out to us every holiday etc. but I'm struggling with the idea of not being 'on tap' for her if she needs us.

OP posts:
ltk · 26/10/2018 20:43

You have an amazing opportunity which it sounds like you really want to take. Your daughter is an adult, and you need to live your life just as she needs to live hers. Of course she will still need your support, and you plan to do all you can to support her from afar. A permanent move to Shanghai would be a different story, but for a few years? Go for it.

Mammatron · 26/10/2018 20:48

Where would she live during the summer? Lots of student houses are only 10 month lets and expect students to move home for July/ August

thenightsky · 26/10/2018 21:03

My DD is currently working in China. Yiwo which is a train ride from Shanghai. She spends her weekends off in Shanghai. She loves it!

Be aware though - the government often turn the internet off and WhatsApp is blocked more often than not. You will need to download We Chat (gov approved). Facebook has been working this week however.

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 21:06

We would work in Shanghai, but live in the outskirts...A bit like working in London and living in Surrey. The air is still a concern, but we are only planning on a couple of years as it's not where we would settle. It's just an opportunity to make some money and experience a different culture.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 21:07

Yeah, our friends who have lived out there for several years have VPN which helps with the internet problems.

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Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/10/2018 21:11

I think it sounds great! As long as you offer to pay for her to visit I wouldn't worry about it. I was at boarding school at 16 and throughout university whilst my parents lived abroad, it was great - got to visit different countries, loads of fun and they were only ever a phone call away!

TheABC · 26/10/2018 21:21

Do it. I was traveling in India for 6 months at 19! Keep talking to your DD and have a few back up plans in place, such as someone in the UK who can step up for emergencies and what she will do over the summer break. She sounds settled in her uni life and I think you will regret not going.

squadronleader87 · 26/10/2018 21:27

@Allotmenteer101 West Africa. Not as far geographically but not particularly easy to get to/from. I missed my family, of course, but I was pretty independent and saw it all as a big adventure.

squadronleader87 · 26/10/2018 21:31

@Allotmenteer101 I should add this was over a decade ago so communication was much harder than it is now. We mostly texted or used Skype on the rare occasion it worked!

Viviene · 26/10/2018 21:37

Shanghai is 11hrs flight and it utterly sucks in economy class but it's madness to be paying for business. I'd never commit to making that trip in a regular basis.
Time difference will be the biggest problem day to day life, you realistically will not be able to be there for her at the end of a horrible day as it will be in the middle if the night your time.

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 21:41

Thank you @squadronleader87. It's so good to hear from people who have experienced it.

Over the summer, I assume she would come out to us and then we could all go on holiday together...

Thank you all so much for your comments. Reading them has successfully prevented me from doing housey stuff all day!

The fact that everyone has varying views shows I'm not crazy for being indecisive about it at least! I can genuinely see everyone's point of view as valid considerations.

Guess I'm going to have to go with my gut on this one...!

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 26/10/2018 21:44

I wouldn't do it. If she is at uni she hasn't fully left home. She isn't independent yet.

My dm left to live at the other side of the world with one of my siblings at uni. Tbh is felt like he was abandoned even to me and it has been many years ago she did this but it did recently resurface and I was reminded how disappointed I was in my dm doing this even though it wasn't to me.

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 26/10/2018 21:44

True. But if my daughter is having a hard time, it won't matter what time of the day it is! We often talk in the middle of the night now....when I am up feeding our youngest and she is just getting in for a night out!

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youarenotkiddingme · 26/10/2018 21:47

I moved abroad at 19.

Go for it if it it will improve quality of life. Your DD can always come over at a later date if she chooses.

thefishwhocouldwish · 27/10/2018 07:48

I moved with DH to Dubai in August, the day after DD got her A level results. She went off to uni a month later. It's a bit different for us as her dad is still in UK, about 3 hours from her. My parents are about 2.5 hours away in the opposite direction. I've already been back for a long weekend and she's flying out at Christmas.

We WhatsApp multiple times a day and FaceTime once a week or so, plus I have some international minutes in my phone package so she often gets the benefit of those too.

It's tough for us both, but she was leaving home anyway and she supports my decision to go with DH (we both have jobs here now) but that doesn't mean no tears are shed when it's time to leave.

2isabella2 · 27/10/2018 08:06

My parents moved to aus for a year with me when I was 16 leaving my 19 year old sister at uni. Once I was in my second year of uni they moved to Dubai. They still live abroad now. Before I was married they paid for my flights to see them whenever I could make it which made a huge difference.

I loved it and calls were harder then, would be even easier now.

DevonCherry · 27/10/2018 08:34

I don't think I would feel that guilty about the DD - although it will leave her feeling a bit rootless unless there are family members in her home town she can go and stay with in holidays if she wants to go back and see old friends when all her uni friends are away visiting their parents. Shanghai will be nice for a visit but will never feel "home" to her.
China have an interesting internet policy and you need to look into whether your social media wil work?
All those saying the offer to come and live in Shanghai and build a life there remains permanently on the table for the DD.... does it? You'd have to jump through a lot of hoops to bring a 19 year old student into Britain if the geography were reversed. Once they're adult, they're not classed as a dependent any more but an adult in their own right.

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 27/10/2018 09:06

@DevonCherry I am waiting for a response from GenerationUK who organise sponsorship for interns and study in China for UK students. It may be that there's an opportunity for her to come over if she wishes to through that.

We have a few 'essentials' listed that would have to be there for us to even consider the move. One would be opportunities for my daughter to move if she wanted to, another is decent access to the internet for communication. We have spoken to several groups of friends who live there and they all say that with a good VPN internet isn't a problem.

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 27/10/2018 09:08

When I was at uni (a million years ago!) There were several students from Hong Kong, their parents were ex-pats, but it was perfectly normal to come back to the UK for uni. If you had moved 2 years ago, she may well have been leaving you to come back to study anyway.

If there's an aunt who can be "family member needed today" contact, and she's got a network of friends and their parents in the UK already, she's got help if she needs it.

It is worth questioning if she can come out to live with you if she wanted - over 18 I would have thought she'd be treated as an independent adult for visa purposes, not part of a family visa based on a job offer for you/your dh.

pasanda · 27/10/2018 09:43

My parents moved to South America when I was 18 (dad) and 19 (mum, after I finished A levels).

My first year at uni was hard in the holidays as halls chucked us out so I had to stay with friends for Xmas and Easter. This was quite awkward tbh. In year 2 I got a shared house and it became easier but I could never just 'go home' and see old friends, chill at home etc.

Looking back, I just got on with it. I was quite independent and managed fine.

It's only now, in my 40's do I look back and think , poor kid. I really feel I missed out on that time in my life when I was coming out of adolescence and coming back to my parents. Where I was no longer a stroppy teen iyswim.

I do realise this is very personal to me but it meant I became desperate for a long term relationship and from about 21, a baby. Kind of to provide me with my own family since mine were half way round the world. I married at 25. Probably the wrong man looking back (now divorced) but he was the family I didn't have.

He then left me, and I'm now, through councilling, realising that I do have a strong fear of people leaving me. This is manifesting in things such as providing strong boundaries for my own dd14. I'm finding this hard because I am obsessed with having a good relationship with her so she doesn't 'leave me'.

All very heavy I know  and I'm sure it's just me but with hindsight I really, really wish my parents hadn't gone, even though I managed fine at the time.

Good luck!!

Original poster
Allotmenteer101 · 27/10/2018 10:01

@pasanda thank you very much. This is more my concern to be honest, I know she would be ok in a practical sense, but as you say, it's the abandonment issues that might arise.

Did you have the opportunity to join them? Was it your choice to stay? I just wonder if that is the difference between people's experiences ... abandoned as opposed to choosing to stay. I strongly feel that it would have to be her choice either way, but maybe that doesn't make a difference.

OP posts:
pasanda · 27/10/2018 17:25

I took a gap year and went to visit them for 3 months. I got bored in the end tho so came home a bit earlier than originally planned. I had no friends out there.

After I went to uni I didn't visit as I had part time work etc and just didn't want to. I never ever would have gone to live there with them either.

I guess it was just that feeling of not having a home that was hard. Everyone else got to go back and see parents, old friends etc and I never did. I always used to say 'my parents left me'.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 02/05/2019 10:09

Hi @Allotmenteer101

Just wondered whether your move has gone ahead and how things are working out?

We're looking at a move overseas leaving DS(20) and DD(18) at Uni...

The plan would be DH goes later this year, and I'd follow next summer when they have 1 year and 2 years left at uni.

We're looking at a more permanent move but should also be able to include both DC on our visa application as dependents do they could choose to join us.

DS is fully supportive and keen to follow but DD us that bit younger and says "she shouldn't be the reason we don't go" - as she is just coming up to A levels it isn't a good time to force a discussion that she doesn't want to engage in, but equally we have to commit now and get things started with the move as DH is on lengthy notice and the visas will take several months to process.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 03/05/2019 12:28

Sorry if you've already answered this, but would you be selling your family house in the UK before leaving, renting out, or leaving it empty? That might make a difference to how she feels about it.

Would you be able to pay for her flights out, and would you also be willing to fly back sometimes to visit her, rather than leaving her to do all the travelling?

Do you think there is a serious possibility that you won't want to come back?

If it's just for 2 years then I don't think it would be a major issue, really. I'd be more concerned with the impact on your younger children, who will be moving with you, than with your young adult staying behind.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 03/05/2019 12:29

Oh, zombie thread...