NZ or Aussie mums online?

[vizbizz]

I just need a chat, and was wondering if anyone was around at this time? I am having a low day thanks to a really difficult session with my shrink for PTSD.

Well it's nice to see you back.

He's 16 months.

Today is going to be a really bad day.
I feel really bad, it's 8 in the morning and I am already crying. I have a cold, and I am pre-menstrual (on top of the rest of it). If I could run away from my family and leave them behind without feeling guilty, I would today.

Hi vizbizz {{{{{{{{{{{huge hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Days like that can be horrible. As it is Sunday is there any way your DP could take your little boy out and let you have some time to yourself so you can have a warm bath and a nap and all that?

thanks Ghosty, As it turns out we went to the market. We froze, but it was somewhere we haven't had a chance to go for AGES! DH works weekends and has the car, so today was a bit of a treat. ds was totally pooped by the time we got home and went straight to sleep so we both got some time out. I made a new display for selling my jewellery. Torturing wire is a good stress relief

Hi guys I'm an aussie mum just moved to Singapore 2 days ago from London. Been on mumsnet a while but not at this time of day! Was wondering who I was going to chat to, so hope you don't mind if I join in?

Hello Quokka,

It certainly was refrshing being out today wasn't it?

where are you twenty pence?

hi quokka, we can get intermittent sometimes, but we are around!

I thought you might have been in s'pore as its really hot here. Have been hiding inside with the aircon but will have to get the boys out, so will go swimming in a min

hey quokka tracked you down! how did the move go???

hey quokka tracked you down! how did the move go???

Hi quokka and the NZ folk! I'm a bit intermittent here so I miss all the best conversations!

We lived in Singapore before moving to NZ, quokka - loved it, but the heat and humidity were very wearing. We really appreciate the seasons here.

Hope you're feeling better vizbizz

hi kaybee and welliemum, kaybee I ran out of time in the end and didn't post those toys - sorry. Can't stay and chat ds1 has been projectile vomiting all morning and really don't want him to get dehydrated

Thanks welliemum, having a better day today (and yesterday too - wow two in a row!). It's all up and down at the moment, especially with psych sessions stirring things up. I was told it could do that, but really didn't anticipate it being that bad.

I made contact with a mum on another forum who experienced the same kind of long-term pain. She said it eventually got better, but it took a few years. If it takes that long for me, my DS may not get a sibling (I'm 34 after all), and opens a whole new can of worms for me.

People say don't worry about it, it's not your fault. I know that, but I treasure my memories with my brother and sister, and I really want him to have that too.

Quokka, how do you cope with the heat and humidity? I'm from Sydney originally, and I found it hard to cope with humidity there - and it's an amateur compared to Singapore! NZ weather is something I appreciate.

Two good days is excellent vizbizz - gives you a bit of a breather from the bad times.

I don't know much about PTSD treatment but I gather it's one of those things where it has to get worse before it gets better? It sounds so hard.

Don't give up on the idea of another baby in a few years time - I'm ancient (late 30s) and it's been fine for me - and I think older mums are tougher in some ways which can be a big advantage. So the possibility is there.

In any case you might find that it takes you less time than you expect to get on top of it - I would imagine every person is different in how they react to these things.

Am rambling - and I really don't know about PTSD so apologies if I'm talking nonsense.

Hope the run of good days is continuing!

vizbizz, I have no idea what your going through - if your up to it can you or someone else explain? I'm not quite coping with the heat when dh goes to work I turn the aircon on and before he get home I turn it off .

vizbizz - have you seen this website ? It is NZ based and I spoke to someone from that organisation when I was pg with DD ... they were fab.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, quokka - usually associated to people who have suffered an accident or trauma - is becoming more recognised as a condition caused after a traumatic birth experience. Symptoms can be very similar or identical to Post Natal Depression and so therefore in the past "woman in a bad state after having baby = severe PND" when really what she could have is PTSD.
I had a traumatic birth with DS, followed by two scary stays in hospital with him before he was 6 weeks old. He had a life threatening condition that needed surgery and then he had suspected meningitis. By the time he was 7 weeks old I was a gibbering wreck. I was diagnosed with PND and was treated as such. Anti depressants helped but it wasn't until I had counselling that I began to get better.
It took me a while to get my head round having a second child ... and then when I did get pregnant I had a miscarriage which nearly sent me over the edge again. When I was pg with DD my midwife and doctor agreed that I had had PTSD, not PND - and all the boxes for it were ticked when they did a test on me.

The one good thing about PTSD, vizbizz (if you can bear looking at any plus sides of it) is that it is very very very unlikely for you to get it with a second child ... IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT SUPPORT throughout the pregnancy and birth. Unlike PND which can recur with subsequent children no matter what you do.

I had a FABULOUS birth experience with my DD ... and it was so nice to have a small baby without the other crap ...

I know what you meant when you said about sometimes wishing your beautiful boy hadn't been born ... I went through much of that with DS. For example, when we went anywhere in the car as a family I would put his car seat where I couldn't see it (behind me) and pretend it was just me and DH in the car and that DS didn't exist - it still breaks my heart when I think of those lost months

I look at DS now, he is 7 years old, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. He takes my breath away. Yes, he is hard work at times - he is a normal little boy in that regard ... but I can not imagine him NOT being here.
I know that seems a long time away for you ... but time flies so quickly and your beautiful boy will soon be a little kid, then a big kid ... and he will be the centre of your world ...

{{{{{}}}}}

thanks ghosty thats really kind of you to explain .

Wow bigs hugs vizbizz, I'm so sorry your going through this! Sounds like you getting the right help and sometimes things have to get a little worse before it gets better (iykwim)? I'm around for a chat whenever you need it!

meant to say ghosty - well done you for getting through it, you sound very brave. I'm sure vizbizz can do it if you did, and went on to have another lo.

Hi ladies,

Yep, 2 days is amazing, and better yet since DH is still on leave for another day....so we are enjoying feeling a bit more relaxed.

I saw the TABS website, and they referred me to a counsellor which was what I needed in the early days. They also put me in touch with another mum who had PTSD several years ago. It was great to meet her and talk face to face with someone who understands.

I guess it would be easier for me in some ways if I didn't have to also deal with the ongoing pain, which in itself is a pain in the ass - quite literally! (It's a phrase I no longer use so loosely! So that is another thing, along with the PTSD that might stop me having another for a while yet.

As for the next one being small - unlikely - I married a Maori, and they are among the biggest babies in the world. Idiot me.

Ghosty, I already know what I am missing, and it causes me so much grief. I love him, but it is a very distant thing in many ways. People talk about the joy making the hard work and everything easier, but that really isn't there for me. It's just hard work.

I am trying to get ACC to accept the case, and as I was going through my medical notes I saw that the plunket nurse was concerned about my emotional distance from DS, and mentioned it to my GP. Neither did anything about it, even though they considered him at risk (and early on, I think he was for a while). They complain about child abuse rates in NZ, but they do nothing about a case they consider to be at risk. What a load of bollocks.

Welliemum, I just read your comment about older mums...I agree we are tougher in some ways. My concern is the whole genetics side of it, and the higher risks associated with older mums (and dads for that matter). Hard for me to ignore as I used to work in a lab doing genetic testing and screening! If both of us were over 40 there are much higher risks for many things. It's a case of knowledge isn't always a good thing, it makes me worry a little more than someone less aware of the statistics.

Vizbizz, I'm assuming if you did have another one you could have a elective CS instead of risking going through what you did last time? I know C-sections aren't without their own risks and potential problems but I know people who've had elective CS's after difficult first births and they were so relieved afterwards to have avoided that level of pain. The worst birth story I've heard (in RL) involved 170 stitches and a partial bowel reconstruction, she was told that any future children would have to be born by CS as the other way would put too much pressure on an already weakened area. SHe had her second child by CS about 2 years later.

I know there may be lots of emotional issues too with another birth, it's not just the physical side of it.

I know the genetic risks get higher too - but 34 isn't that old! I'm having my first at 35 (36 when he'she is born) and all is well so far (fingers crossed)

Vizbizz, I didn't mean to make you feel worse about what your are 'missing' ... I think part of what makes it so hard is because these things stare you in the face and you know you can't do anything to change it ... it is soooo bloody hard, I know only too well. I remember a conversation with my mother when she told me to 'pull myself together' ... I asked her if she honestly felt that I was choosing to feel like that? I really really felt that everyone would be happier and the baby would be better off if I wasn't in the picture.
One of the things that helped my recovery was beginning to learn to put the guilt aside. It is hard to do, at times almost impossible and I still have huge amounts of guilt going on - it is the last vestige of my illness - on most other counts I am fine. I can still sit and cry buckets when I talk about when DS was little. I find it very very hard to talk about the early days when I am talking to someone face to face.

The residue of my illness is that I am very very fiercely defensive of my DS. It is an odd thing. When DD is naughty or difficult I just deal with it and put it down to her age etc, we do the normal parenting techniques of time out or whatever and I don't worry about it. When DS does something naughty or difficult I do the normal parenting stuff but at the same time turn myself inside out about it - it's my fault, if I had been a better mum when he was a baby, if I had bonded with him, if ..., if ..., if .... and I toss and turn all night about it.
All this is a vicious circle and the more I worry about how it affected me and in turn could have affected him, the worse it gets.
I constantly need to work on my 'uptightness' when it comes to him. I wonder if it will ever go away ....

Oh vizbizz, I don't know if anything i am saying is helping you, or making you think, "Oh shit, if she's still a loon 7 years, there is no hope for me!" ... I hope it isn't the latter ... I just want you to know that you are so not alone, that NZ has good things in place for people with this problem, and that you will be ok ... you are a good, fabulous mother - not least because you are meeting this head on and dealing with it ... if that doesn't say anything about how much you love your son, nothing does ...

And, btw - I didn't marry a Maori but had big babies ... When I had DD (10lbs 10oz) the midwife said they were used to such big babies in Auckland but not from a 'little' English lady