I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE - How do I persuade DH to up sticks?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I don't even mean abroad but didn't know which other thread to put this under.

We live in a very desirable, leafy suburb in a Scottish city. Good schools, nice neighbourhood, nice house ........ but I don't want to live here. I feel claustraphobic and miserable. It was always intended as a stop gap but we've been here nearly 5 years now.

Both of us are keen to move up north as we both love it. DH has even lived there before. It would be wonderful for the children and I would be so much happier. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember.

It is not beyond the realms of possibility now. Kids are aged 2 and 3. DH has been in his current job nearly 6 years and is doing well but he knows he doesn't want to do it forever. This is the hard bit. He's a ditherer. Been looking at houses and options for last 3-4 years but nothing ever happens. He would be prepared to work from home but doesn't ask if it is an option (I personally think it would be as his work are screaming out for more professional staff and wouldn't want to lose him). He spends ages on the internet looking at houses, getting schedules, we even view some houses but nothing ever happens. It's like dangling a carrot in front of me then snatching it away.

I am now soooooo fecking frustrated. He didn't leave his last job until it became obvious there were no more prospects there. He's scared of change. He really wants this too but then doesn't want to be pressured into it. I don't want him to feel pressured either and end up doing it just to please me then hold a grudge. I am here to support him in any decision he makes but I'm getting pannicky that it will never happen and we'll be stuck here in the same old drudge. I'd rather do it sooner than later so we don't look back in years to come with regret. I'd be prepared to give it a go for six months and leave a route back if it didn't work out.

So for those of you who have done this sort of thing - how do you make the final decicion?

Sorry this is long but I'm feeling better for writing it down.

Bump

what about where you are makes you feel claustrophic and miserable? Is dh happy where he is?

Could you talk to him & suggest that it would possibly be a good idea to do a move before the children start pre-school, it may get the ball rolling?

If you don't move before the kids get into schools and make friends they don't want to lose, you're probably stuck where you are until they leave school.

Can you identify an area where you might want to live, order a weekly paper and get up there a few times for weekends?
Take time in your 'wanted' area, living the life you'd like to at weekends.

It might be so nice that it'll be the spur your dh needs.

I know what you mean about feeling bad in your place. I have experienced it mayself, what everyone including family saw as a certain paradise was hell for me and I left it all in favour of really bad accomaodation and a horrid area to save my sanity.
Does your dh know exactly how you feel? We no wlive somewhere totally different and I can just about keep sane but only because dh is constantly sending off job applications to move. Atleast if your dh was doing that you could sort of feel as if there is hope IYKWIM!

Have done all that is mentioned here.

I keep on about settling somewhere before the kids are at school

We get local papers every week and read others on-line

We know roughly what different areas we would like to live in

But he still dithers. I have explained to death why I am unhappy and the most frustrating thing is that he agrees but then just puts obstacles in the way. Obstacles that don't exist. E.g. he says if we were further away then no-one would visit us. I pointed out that no-one visits us anyway and in fact they may even visit us more if we lived in such a place. He says I'd miss seeing my parents. I only see them for a couple of hours a fortnight as it's as about as much as they can take. They are elderly and my two toddlers are a bit full on. Even they would be more inclined to come and stay with us elsewhere as they drive up and down the A9 a heck of a lot more than they drive into town. He says the kids probably won't like it when the reach their teens. I say that all teens don't like anything no matter where they live. Also that from teens until they leave school is only a short time and hopefully they would go to college or uni on leaving school so would go and experience townie life then anyway when they are of an age that they'd appreciate it more.

I just don't know what else to do. He looks at houses etc. more than me so why can't he just make the move. Money isn't an issue either. We have this house and my old flat with little mortgage. If we sold both we'd be able to move into a house much bigger for less money and still have plenty left over to see us over any bumpy patches.

Sorry SSSandy - DH doesn't like it here anymore than I do. We are outdoorsy people. It takes us ages to get to the outdoors by the time we sit in all the fecking traffic. I hate the constant traffic noise, that I am like a sheepdog walking my kids along the pavement, the litter, the underlying competetiveness of it all, the soft play areas filled with too many kids and miserable looking adults. I'd much rather have space to go for a walk without worrying about traffic, to hear birds sing, for my kids to grow up in a fresh air environment.

And forgot to say that we do spend as many weekends and holidays as possible in all the places we'd like to lie. We always end up the same way - oh wouldn't it be great to live here, are miserable when we get back home but hey fuck all happens.

Could you arrange to view a few houses on a weekend and just tell him these are the times/appointments and we are going to have a look? If you take that side of it into your hand it would maybe kick him into action too?

Admylin - we have done that too. He's the one that usually makes the appointments. We are just back from holiday and went to look at yet another house. It's always the same. We look round the house, think of the possibilities and options, I get excited about it, nothing happens.

This is why I am so frustrated. I've said to him look let's not do this if you are going to keep dithering because it is really upsetting me. At New Year he made the resolution to get his CV out in the market place by March. I even started doing it up for him and left it for him to check. Nothing has happened. CV is still lying in a mess.

agree with admlyin, I am afraid you'll have to do it. That's what I did with DH and once we saw the house we wnated and put an offer there was no stopping him. but you have to phtsically take him to the stage where he can see the future in something tangible otherwise he will be looking at houses on the internet for the next 5 years.

Can't you compromise and live within commuting distance of his job?

My dh is the same, I had to do his CV and send off most of the applications too. Take it into your hands and make him even if you have to complete the CV yourself.
What would be the next step if you did both see a house that you liked? Get an appointment at the bank or whatever the next step would be, make sure you know and have all the paper work ready just in case and have it all ready to present to him under his nose - eventually he'll wake up if he sees you really want to set the ball rolling.

i lived in a lovely Scottish city for 13 years (age 17-30) got married, decided to move back home further north as i thought living in the country with children would be much nicer. we moved to where i grew up as a child

BIG MISTAKE

i am bored out of my mind, there is nothing for the children to do (escept the obvious country stuff, but its mostly weather permitting) there is a lot of unemployment which then leads to poor facilities for all

we are mving back to the city on Friday

god i cant wait

civilisation

and better schools

i really feel now we should never have left the city, and i am very confident its a better place to raise my children

Voluptua

I thought I'd post as this sounds a lot like us but in reverse. Dh is desperate to move for very good reasons. I on the other hand can see the advantages but would have to give up my job (we would move to be nearer dh's job), it would cut our income in half unless I could find other work (not easy to find family friendly one in my industry) and I'd be further from my family etc.

We have been talking about this for ages and even put in some offers and had an offer on our flat but when it came to it I just couldn't do it.

It caused a lot of problems and in fact dh and I ended up in Relate to try and resolve the fact that we (well me really) seem to have so much trouble making the big decisions.

You are right when you say it is all about fear. I really don't want to change because although I'm not exactly happy where I am it at least feels safe.

I am not using this as an excuse but trying to give you an insight as to the other view (admitedly a bonkers one - after all if we all did this no-one would ever do anything)

The conversations you describe are so like ours

dh - 'but if we move we will be be able to have more time with ds - I won't commute and can do most of the school runs as my job is so flexible'

Me- 'but I won't know anyone and what will I do about work, mum and dad are so old they need me, ds will be lonely! .. - I keep throwing up obstacles ad nausem

I always seem to see the problems and worry that the decision will be a bad one and so prefer to take no decsions and dh just sees it as a decsion we can always change later if it doesn't work out. Dh's view is far more sensible but my resistence is a gut based and difficult to overcome.

Is your dh the sole wage earner? Is it maybe that he feels asking about home working might be a problem and he is worried that even asking about it may harm his prospects (mad I know but I can imagine worrying about that)

Another possibility is that he isn't really happy with his job and a move might mean it is more difficult to change it as it may me more difficult to find alternative employment if the working from home doesn't work out.

tbh I feel that if you really want to move you need to actually do most of the work involved. You may also need a really honset talk about the real reasons he is so resistent. You may need to be open to the answers though as they may be difficult to hear.

I know that part of my worry about moving is that I need other people in my life and just dh and ds is not enough for me. That was a hard thing for dh to hear but it is the truth. Once I had realised that I also realised that I could still build a network of friends if I move but that we had to move somewhere that was possible. So for me the middle of the countryside is a no no, even though dh would love that.

Our move is however also complicated by it being a financial struggle to move as well

Sorry about the waffle but I know from experience how much strain this can put on a relationship and just wanted to sympathise.

We haven't made the move yet but I do feel we have made some progress on planning a move and on me being less scared of the idea.

Interesting posts.

Unfortunately I cannot completely do his CV. He's a very technical engineer and what he is capable of doing is beyond my understanding. I've laid it out in the several different ways depending on what jobs he would apply for but I really cannot do more so it's up to him.

I could not force him into buying a house. It would take the shine off it for me. We are a family and we need to both feel the same way about things. I'd feel awful if he felt I'd pushed him into doing something he really didn't want to do.

Lazycow - he is the sole breadwinner and happy to be so. He'd be less happy if I went back to work as it would just make life more complicated in juggling childcare as he has to travel abroad a good bit. I am the one at home all the time and whilst I've made a couple of nice friends around here I know I could do similar in another place. I am also quite happy in my own company. I hardly see any of my pre-kids pals other than the ones you really know are your pals and they live miles away anyway so I know I'd still see them if we lived elsewhere.

DH would not like a long commute to work as it would make him grumpy and his day longer and he'd see less of the kids. I would not like him to commute for the exact same reasons. Where we are he can cycle in and out to work, deprive him of that and he'd be miserable. He also hardly sees any of his pals anymore. In fact we see more of the ones who live up north. He doesn't go out much as he doesn't like the town.

All in all on reading this back it seems like he is happy to further his career whilst I fester at home. I know he does it in what he sees are our best interests but as I'm the one at home all the time I feel I have compromised hugely. I gave up my career, willingly and gladly I might add and have no rush to go back to it. I'd be happier doing any job. He says that it's daft if we can't discuss it and have dreams whereas I just get frustrated as to me it's dreams that we could make happen but they aren't going to

Nailpolish, just out of interest, where did you move to up north?

Any place I've seen seems to have more and better facilities than anything this city can offer. Better playparks, no lengthy waiting lists for swimming lessons, no queues to get on things, plenty of other things for kids to do.

we moved to the North west about 2.5 yrs ago I hate it finally got DH to go for other jobs which he has now got so we can move back home

I think if you have tried it and dont lke it then thats got to be better than sitting there saying what if

good luck

Pretend you've got cancer, and you want to start living life "as if every year is my last." You can be miraculously cured six weeks after moving into your new house. Do bare in mind, however, that I have learned everything I know about human relationships from Dynasty and EastEnders.

Voluptua, i moved to Angus (think Open Golf in July)
its where i grew up

can you tell me where you would like to live?

Voluptua - I sympathise. I live in Paris, in a leafy area with spacious apartments (and lovely architecture), good schools and facilities, lovely shops etc. But I hate the traffic, the pollution, the nasty playgrounds, the dreadful lack of outdoor space and greenery, the miserable people caught up in a competition for material things I don't care about...

We have to stay put, for my partner's work and for the children's education. But we are looking to buy a second home in an entirely different environment. We've spent the past 18 months using every spare weekend to visit and revisit and I have done a lot of ground work and talking my partner through the realities of the places and properties we look at. You can't understand a lifestyle by looking at houses on the internet.

Could you not sell your flat and buy a cottage for the weekends?

You could do whay my mum did and find somewhere and make an offer - serioulsy. They always wanted to live in Perthshire in Scotland, so Mum went and found herself a new job, found somewhere to live and off they went - been there for over 13 years now and very happy.

You look at places together, and you both like them - whats to stop you making the offer?

Places we'd like to live .....

Aviemore or surrounding area
Inverness or surrounding area

I'd be happy also to live in Oban or surrounding area or the Isle of Islay but DH would really have issues about a) the west coast weather b)island life

We have also looked at the option of buying a holiday home. Thing is DH gets so wrapped up in that that he can't distinguish between holiday home and permanent home. To buy a holiday home would be fine if we went for a two bedroom option and we could even rent it out when we weren't using it. But DH always thinks of us living in it FT so looks at bigger homes with at least 3 bedrooms and space for an office/study. We couldn't possibly buy one that size as a holiday home as it would be just too expensive. I've tried to reason with him here and show him that he can't have it both ways. We either go for an affordable holiday home and stay here in our own home else move permanently. Yes we could sell the flat but DH is reluctant to do so as it is in the leafy west end and pulls in a good income from being currently rented out. He makes yet more excuses that having a holiday home and renting it out would be a big hassle for us as looking after it would be too much trouble with us being far away. I replied that you employ a local person to do the handover and cleaning, else register it through an agency.

I'm not talking about living in the middle of no-where. Everywhere we have looked at is either in a small town with enough amenities or near one. An airport is not too far away. There are good public transport links. Aviemore is only 3 hours up the A9 and is the favourite destination.

Forgot to add, I'd love to live in Perthshire also.

Sounds very much like you have your work cut out for you persuading your dh, is he not aware that your unhappy?