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Original poster

I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE - How do I persuade DH to up sticks?

102 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/05/2007 09:58

I don't even mean abroad but didn't know which other thread to put this under.

We live in a very desirable, leafy suburb in a Scottish city. Good schools, nice neighbourhood, nice house ........ but I don't want to live here. I feel claustraphobic and miserable. It was always intended as a stop gap but we've been here nearly 5 years now.

Both of us are keen to move up north as we both love it. DH has even lived there before. It would be wonderful for the children and I would be so much happier. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember.

It is not beyond the realms of possibility now. Kids are aged 2 and 3. DH has been in his current job nearly 6 years and is doing well but he knows he doesn't want to do it forever. This is the hard bit. He's a ditherer. Been looking at houses and options for last 3-4 years but nothing ever happens. He would be prepared to work from home but doesn't ask if it is an option (I personally think it would be as his work are screaming out for more professional staff and wouldn't want to lose him). He spends ages on the internet looking at houses, getting schedules, we even view some houses but nothing ever happens. It's like dangling a carrot in front of me then snatching it away.

I am now soooooo fecking frustrated. He didn't leave his last job until it became obvious there were no more prospects there. He's scared of change. He really wants this too but then doesn't want to be pressured into it. I don't want him to feel pressured either and end up doing it just to please me then hold a grudge. I am here to support him in any decision he makes but I'm getting pannicky that it will never happen and we'll be stuck here in the same old drudge. I'd rather do it sooner than later so we don't look back in years to come with regret. I'd be prepared to give it a go for six months and leave a route back if it didn't work out.

So for those of you who have done this sort of thing - how do you make the final decicion?

Sorry this is long but I'm feeling better for writing it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/05/2007 16:32

Guess I need to discuss with him more. I have a feeling that he gets a real kick out of the status his job brings. He's very concientous and has just been promoted and given a small team to look after along with share options. He says that this will look good on his CV. I totally agree with him and understand that but (knowing him) I know that he'll sit on the norm for sooo long.

I always said he lived his life back to front and it would have been better had he lived and worked in the city from when he graduated. Instead he lived in Inverness then Perth. He only moved to Glasgow after I had met him.

Aviemore -
The plusses - we are keen cyclists, keen walkers, climbers, skiers (if the snow allows). Easier to visit both his parents and mine. Half way house for everyone else we know. Got a supermarket, butcher, baker, above average high school in Kingussie, airport links at Inverness, drier climate than in the west. Got a playgroup and nursery. Outlying areas such as Carrbridge or Boat of Garten very much a community spirit. Would get a massive house and garden relative to what we have here, probably with a nice view.

The minuses - Colder but so what, put on another jumper.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/05/2007 16:32

Some people really really don't like built up cities.

They honestly are NOT the best for everyone.

Anna8888 · 30/05/2007 16:33

TSAP - obviously if you have a career speciality that you are very dedicated to, that's a good reason.

Just wanted to pass on a hint

expatinscotland · 30/05/2007 16:34

But, VGS, it sounds like he really likes his job and it makes him happy, so think maybe of a compromise.

twinsetandpearls · 30/05/2007 16:35

Anna8888 they had no vacancies anyway - I checked!

twinsetandpearls · 30/05/2007 16:36

Voluptua I can understand not wanting to move becuase of a job, is a commuteable move not possible?

nailpolish · 30/05/2007 16:37

if he likes his job i think you have to compromise.

move further away from where you are now but still communting distance to his job

have you READ about the unemployment in N Scotland? we moved here 2 years ago and my dh has been trying to get a job the whole time. in that time 2 major employers in the area closed down. he has been doing a 4 hr commute to edinburgh for 2 years now and its £400 a month train fares. Main reason we are mving back to the city, really

expatinscotland · 30/05/2007 16:38

Unfortunately, TSAP, where VGS wants to move would not be commuting distance for his spouse.

Anna8888 · 30/05/2007 16:38

TSAP - oh sure, I wasn't thinking of tomorrow , it was more of a long-term thing. I'd have loved to live around there, but you need to be a doctor or a teacher or have an independent business or else be a commuter to do so.

nailpolish · 30/05/2007 16:38

a job you enjoy is like gold dust
imagne if you persuaded him to leave a job he likes and get another one, which he turned out to really hate - he would then resent the fact you made him change jobs iyswim

FLIER · 30/05/2007 16:39

NP It depends what you do for a living. some sectors are booming up here and working from home was an option for voluptua's dh

FLIER · 30/05/2007 16:39

In fact, many companies up here are crying out for decent workers

expatinscotland · 30/05/2007 16:39

SO true, naily!

I really think you need to look at a compromise in your case, VGS, given that your DH really seems to enjoy his job and it makes him happy.

nailpolish · 30/05/2007 16:40

but expat, there are other nice places commutable

(to glasgow? i assume he works in glasgow)

dunblane, callander, even loch lomond or across the water

expatinscotland · 30/05/2007 16:40

Very true, naily, I agree. A compromise is in order here!

nailpolish · 30/05/2007 16:43

im sure there must be somewhere!
aviemore and inverness are not the only places you like surely?

you mentioned Oban - what about somewhere halfway?

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/05/2007 16:44

I understand that and am prepared to compromise. But what compromises could I make? He does not want to live somewhere where he has a long commute and by that I mean any more than 6-8 miles from his work because he wants/needs to cycle and doesn't want to make his day any longer so he can see the kids. We already live 5 miles from his work so that leaves us with few options. I don't see the point because no-where else within that radius is better than where we are.

Yes he could work from home and is prepared to but he also said that he didn't want to have to commit to say 2-3 days in Glasgow per week, on top of all the foreign travel too. Note: he has not asked if this is an option. With the huge shortage of technical engineers in his field he could always get work but it's always going to be in a city area unless he works from home.

So basically I'm stuck here whilst he gets home, late sometimes, sees the kids for an hour then usually goes to do some work from home anyway. And when he is abroad I'm stuck here with not even that to look forward to. It's like that wife in the north blog but in reverse.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 30/05/2007 16:45

Voluptua - so in fact the real issue is that your husband's work is city/travel based and he doesn't want to commute, whereas you would like to live in the countryside?

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/05/2007 16:49

Yep, there are lots of other places I'd be happy to stay in. I just mentioned Inverness and Aviemore area because they are the ones at the top of the table (i.e. in with a chance) where DH is concerned.

Callander/Dunblane/Stirling all suggested before but see last post re commuting

Oban - bad west coast weather for half the year

From across the Clyde - again see commuting reference.

I need to get DH on here so you can all ask him these questions. I really need to have a proper chat about it (again). Have also done this before (last September) and he's said that for the short term we're probably going to stay put. Then he's off getting schedules for houses again and discussing options.

OP posts:
Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/05/2007 16:51

Anna - we both want to live in the countryside. He hates Glasgow. I have a soft spot for the place as I've lived here for so long but I'm tired of city living. If he loved it I could understand better but you should here him go on about how crap it is (can be a bit of a snob)

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 30/05/2007 16:54

Voluptua - I see, your husband has an unresolved dilemma - he would like to live in the countryside but he doesn't want to commute to work?

nailpolish · 30/05/2007 17:09

basically you want to have your cake and eat it. or your dh does.

there is no answer to your problems afaics

he either moves jobs or commutes.

or you come to terms with what youve got

from one of your posts it seems to me that your dh works long hours and you miss him. do you think you would be happier where you live if you saw dh more? hav eyo u thought of moving to the country but dh having a crash pad? NOT the answer IMO but it is for others

seb1 · 30/05/2007 17:21

As another East Ren born and bred, what about further out like Uplawmoor, small primary school, feeds into Eastwood High and pretty rural

Rantmum · 30/05/2007 17:35

Voluptua - my dh and I live west of glasgow on the coast - we have views of a beach and live in a very nice small village with lots of small children and a good primary school, cycle routes and HEAPS of outdoor activities. We are also on a train line into Glasgow (are you in Glasgow?) and I have several friends and their dh's who take the 45 min commute in every day, so they have the best of both worlds. Could you find a compromise like this? Then dh would not need to move jobs but you would be moving to a lifestyle more suited to your needs?

FLIER · 30/05/2007 20:54

Voluptua - have emailed you