I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE - How do I persuade DH to up sticks?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I don't even mean abroad but didn't know which other thread to put this under.

We live in a very desirable, leafy suburb in a Scottish city. Good schools, nice neighbourhood, nice house ........ but I don't want to live here. I feel claustraphobic and miserable. It was always intended as a stop gap but we've been here nearly 5 years now.

Both of us are keen to move up north as we both love it. DH has even lived there before. It would be wonderful for the children and I would be so much happier. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember.

It is not beyond the realms of possibility now. Kids are aged 2 and 3. DH has been in his current job nearly 6 years and is doing well but he knows he doesn't want to do it forever. This is the hard bit. He's a ditherer. Been looking at houses and options for last 3-4 years but nothing ever happens. He would be prepared to work from home but doesn't ask if it is an option (I personally think it would be as his work are screaming out for more professional staff and wouldn't want to lose him). He spends ages on the internet looking at houses, getting schedules, we even view some houses but nothing ever happens. It's like dangling a carrot in front of me then snatching it away.

I am now soooooo fecking frustrated. He didn't leave his last job until it became obvious there were no more prospects there. He's scared of change. He really wants this too but then doesn't want to be pressured into it. I don't want him to feel pressured either and end up doing it just to please me then hold a grudge. I am here to support him in any decision he makes but I'm getting pannicky that it will never happen and we'll be stuck here in the same old drudge. I'd rather do it sooner than later so we don't look back in years to come with regret. I'd be prepared to give it a go for six months and leave a route back if it didn't work out.

So for those of you who have done this sort of thing - how do you make the final decicion?

Sorry this is long but I'm feeling better for writing it down.

Where do you live?...Sorry just being nosey!

I disagree about friendships and not being able to move once they have started school until thye have finished school
kids are adaptable and can handle change, well lots of kids can and do - we're looking to move but prob not for the next 5 - 10 years yet when our oldest will be a preteen.

Children are adaptable but it's not ideal to get your children settled into school then up & move if you know you want to!

I want to move, I want to move, I want to move too. My house is lovely but I want more space and our neighbours are shite (because of where our house is this makes a big difference). Where we live is blardy expensive though, we have alot of equity in the house but not enough to move the next stage up. I am being a spoilt brat but I don't care . We need that extremely distant cantankerous relative to die and leave us a fortune, shame we don't have one eh?!
Sorry no help to you whatsoever just wanted to rant.

hmmm
Aviemore and Inverness are not the most desirable places to live. Their is a lot of unemployment. Aviemore has few and far between facilities for its residents. Inverness is nice but also has a lot of unemployment. All the problems you encounter in cities are prevalent in these small places too - drugs, crime, etc. around inverness area Drugs are a MASSIVE problem

but the air is cleaner

good luck whatever you decide

The not-moving-because-children-are-settled-in-school point is not really reasonable/feasible. While you don't want to move your children too often if it can be avoided, there are actually lots of benefits in living in several places as a child.

I went to four schools (private, state and international) and never regretted it. On the contrary, I learnt a lot more about the world by moving around than if I had stayed put and only had one vision of life in my formative years.

We moved to the highlands from the Central belt over 5 years ago now and we love it here and have started our family here. It is by no means "out in the sticks" where we are and I would say qualirt of life is so much better. If you want to ask me any questions, or anything, feel free. we could speak via email if you prefer.

Just read your further posts. The black isle, just north of Inverness is a lovely area and perfect for "outdoorsy" people. Good schools too.
Inverness - Yes, just like anywhere it has its bad and good areas. When we moved up we didn't know anyone so didn't know where was nice.

as I said, feel free to ask any q's.

I do understand as I went through something similar for a few years as I hated where I live now to the extent that I was in tears about it almost every day and it was causing huge arguments between dp and I. We used to dread the weekends coming as we had time in this awful town and it became apparant how unhappy we both were but especially me.

We decided to move as we could see thatif we did not there was unlikely to be a future for us and I alsi worried about dd growing up here and being as unhappy as I have been. Dp was offered a job in Bristol and we viewed houses and put ours on the market but financially it was going to be too much of a stretch so we decided to wait while we got ourslves more financially secure.

I was then offered my teaching job which I love so much it makes up for the fact that I hate where I live, I ahve also made an effort to find things about my town that I like, for me it is the fact that I can be in the Lakes in an hour! I have also thrown myself into community life doing what I can to improve my town and chamge what I and everyone else hates about it. I think I can manage another few years but then we will move.

Much different to being stuck living overseas, though .

We're moving to a much smaller area BUT we are not happy in very urban areas. Either of us. And we're not happy with the region we're in. Our family life has suffered here.

I think a lot of people romanticise living in a remote area, tbh.

It can have some serious drawbacks and I'm glad I have tried it out in the past and know it is for me - he knows it's for him, too.

I think there needs to be compromise in your situation, however.

For us, it was a fairly easy decision, but when someone drags his feet, well, ever heard the expression 'Making no decision is still making a decision'?

I 100% agree w/Naily Wed 30-May-07 14:17:00

The grass is always greener . . .

You'll need to sit down (one last time) with your hubby, explain to him (yet again) how you feel, and then ask him exactly how he feels. Is he scared, is it really his dream as well that you move, or is he just playing make belief.

It is not that hard to move if you don't want it to be. On the other hand if you don't want to move then yes it is hard and yes there are going to be a lot obstacles in the way.

We have moved twice now (overseas both times) and it did no harm to the children. They are now talking about their first scottish friends, their danish friends, and their now friends. Plus we have somewhere to stay whenever we go back. They like talking about the places they have lived in. I don't think he can use the children as an excuse.

You could always offer him to do all the ground work so all he has to do is tell you which socks/pants and trousers to leave out whilst you do the actual moving.

If you do get him to say yes then (for fun) make him sign a contract to say that this is what he wants as well. You don't want to move and for it to turn out that one or both of you are just not happy living in the new place and everybody ends up blaming you.

I stay in East Renfrewshire. Don't want to be too specific as I like the anonymity of mumsnet. Probably obvious to some who I am anyway. Don't get me wrong, as places go, it's probably one of the best in Scotland. Schools are top, the area is nice, people are nice, yes we can be out in the country in half an hour but my heart is in the highlands. I know Inverness very well and I think that it has grown too quickly in recent years. I wouldn't mind living in the surrounding area though as you'd still benefit from country living but with amenities nearby. It's just the central belt humdrum that I do not like. It's in-built. I cannot explain it very well but it's just what I feel. Everyone feels different about whether or not a place is for them. A city suburban life offers a great deal but nothing that interests me. What I do like to do can be done in any of these other places with a great deal less hassle.

I live where I can walk to a local shop for basic necessities. There is a park nearby albeit one that makes me jumpy as it's so dark and dreary and remote in parts. If I want a decent playpark I still have to get into the car and drive 2 miles. If I want to go to the swimming pool I have to drive even further. Swimming pool and playparks are generally overcrowded. DD goes to nursery and DS will be starting playgroup but these facilities are available in the places we fancy living. Flier I'll CAT you. I love the Black Isle. Had a lovely holiday there recently in a caravan. Kids loved it. Trips to Inverness during day to Whin Park. Bellfield Park also wonderful. Nairn and gorgeous beach not too far away, lovely walks - you lucky, lucky thing.

I know what you mean about built-up areas not being for you, VGS. DH and I have been very depressed living here (Edinburgh) and this has NOT been good for our family.

We have also seen some negative impacts of this type of life on our elder daughter already, and the difference in her when we go to the place where we will be moving in the Autumn (Western Highlands).

BUT, we are both 100% in agreement on this.

AND at least one of us has a job lined up there.

Your husband is dithering for a reason.

You need to find out why and see if there's a compromise to be made.

I know exactly what you mean, my hearts in The Isle of Lewis & I'm from Fife but live in London!

I do think that a holiday home would be the best idea if you could talk your dh round to the idea!

Oh Expat, you lucky thing. Where are you moving to and what job do you have lined up? What change do you see in your daughter when you go there?

I rather not go into details on a public board, tbh, because it's a small village.

My daughter has little confidence, yet whenever we get there - we have friends out there - she seems more relaxed being in the outdoors in that type of environment. She's naturally a more 'country' person, as DH and I, comfortable around animals, midgies hate her (and DD2), not at all shy or fearful whilst out on hiking trails, a homebody, etc.

We're able to readily and easily do the things we love to do as a family - which are all mostly outdoor pursuits.

We enjoy going out in all weathers and the girls are used to it.

FWIW, I am a keen hillwalker and rock climber and DH an avid mountain biker and sea kayaker.

hello Voluptua - I am from East Ren (born and bred) but now live in London, so not what you are looking for, but i can SO relate to it being humdrum. I felt the same. One of my best friends lives in the Black Isle (also an East Ren girl originally) and she absolutely loves it. She has a husband who works out of Aberdeen (an engineer who also works abroad sometimes) and she has a professional career in Inverness, dogs that she walks in the fields in the back of her house and a baby on the way. I am very jealous. She has a large house which she describes as having "more lavvies than we have bums" (i.e. 3 bathrooms) . A great lifestyle.

It sounds like your husband might be procrastinating, not dithering. Are you absolutely sure he wants to move? I think he may articulate his worries rather - he must know your desire and logical reasoning as you have been very open and honest here and I am sure you are with him.

Just remember, 'Everywhere you go, you always take the weather.'

I'm one for voting with my feet - I've done it all my life.

BUT, one thing I've learned from it is that when it's done to run away from something or because you want to 'jack it all in', it's bound to go awry.

I've learned this the hard way, too.

The grass is always greener but there are some places, such as where I live where it never gets byond straw piss yellow.

That's true as well, TSAP. And sometimes you've got to cut your losses, so to speak.

But I do think a lot of people romaticise things in 'the country' and the reality is a lot, lot different, as pointed out.

I feel, from experience, that you need to be a VERY independent sort of person and a VERY realistic one - unless of course you've got pots of money, in which case you can holiday home it .

But it really does take a certain 'breed' to be happy in such areas, and the only way you find that out is to explore it.

If you've already got a family, I'd suggest doing that in small doses at first. You'll know pretty soon on if it's the life for you.

We have two options for our move which will be in about three or four years, to emigrate dp can getwork in Canada and we have the points or New Zealand I will find it easy to get a teaching post.

But i worry that we are fleeing this country because the town we live in is so awful and that perhaps we could live here if we lived in a normal town.

WE looked into Bristol which we loved but the schools worried me both me teaching in them and dd studying in them. I also have extrememely good prospects in my school and hope for senior management so somewhere like Lancaster would be good so I can commute and we are even closer to the Lakes which is where we go every weekend.

I wouldn't have any qualms about leaving in your case, TSAP, and wouldn't feel your reasons for doing so were misguided.

In fact, I can imagine once you do, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

TSAP - if I was a teacher in the UK I'd try to get a job at Cranbrook School in Kent... heavenly place to live...

that is exactly what everyone says to us expat.