Struggling with being an expat

[Notahappyexpat]

We have lived abroad for 10 years - I did enjoy it and it’s way better for the children & husband - they love it and I know our quality of life is better than it would be in the UK... however in the last year I have developed an almost physical dislike for expat life.

The women I meet are awful (bitchy, unsupportive, wildly competitive re children), it’s not English speaking so hard to get a job (and if I do get a job it will be full time due to my career and then have no help with children), I miss my old friends and have painted this rose coloured picture of what my life would be like if I was back in the UK.

Anyone else gone through this - will it get better? Am I just having a mid life crisis? What can I do to get out of this rut / depression - going back to UK used to make me realise how lucky we were with our life but now it’s not

@Abricot1993
I know exactly what you mean about the culture being a bit unappealing. Not too keen on the blunt way people say mean things either. I'm just not sure I will ever really like it.
@Schlobbob
We're on the edge of Munich too. It is a ghost town here during the day.
@Goosegettingfat
Knitting was v good

I went to yoga last night and i couldn't get a pose, so the teacher was belittling redirecting me from the front. All I could answer was that I wasn't sure that I was getting the pose right, to which someone said something but all I heard was that I don't have a bum to do the pose correctly. I wasn't sure what to say and they were all laughing their heads off. I just felt like it was mean. I was a quite disappointed afterwards as I've made such a bloody effort to speak in German and to basically integrate. I've never mocked their English (when the yoga teacher says certain poses in English, 'sunrise' is 'soonwise' etc). I didn't tell DH about it but woke up in the night deliberating about whether I go back again. Like ffs, most of them haven't left the village, they went to nursery there and are now adults. Give me a break. This is why DH's colleagues when transferred effed off to the closest big city.

@TeaAddict235
Aw, that sucks. I can see why that upset you. I like to think I would tell the teacher to stick it with her rude attitude and all but tbh what would be the point. The only person who would be upset is you.
Yeah that kind of stuff is not nice

Tea I totally understand why you feel like that. It's just the sort of situation that would bring me to tears quite honestly. It's like- you put yourself out there, try to integrate, and yet you suddenly find yourself in the school playground and often without enough language to tell people where to go. Really rough. As you say- they've probably never lived outside of their village so they just don't know.

That really is mean and totally unecessary.

I have been living in Spain almost 12 years and last night I went out with a group of Mums from school. It's the first I have ever been invited along. I felt quite honoured to go and much as I enjoyed myself, I found myself wishing I was out with my pals in England instead. I know I should give myself a shake but it all became too much when they were talking about their youth and places and people they all knew and had in common. The nuances in the language catch you out too. Oh I dunno, just cannot imagine ever being really integrated here.

@TeaAddict235 Oh that is so mean and pathetic to have a joke about you knowing that you will not get what they are saying. I can think of a number of bad experiences that I have had and all the things I put myself through to help my children. It is so tough but even though you are an outsider there, you are one of us and we get you

TeaAddict235 that is so horrible. I had a few similar incidents esp in the early days when my understanding was perfect but I didn't have the skill to come up with a retort. Very frustrating and depressing when they behave like kids.

Thanks guys. Life must go on eh? I'll just get myself into a real knot next time and then ask for help out of it. And plus I do have a bum, from sitting down typing and working, hence why i go to yoga. The funny thing is that the teacher there does the aerobics and Pilates sessions too, that's how small the town is!

tea they sound really immature. I remember going to a Yoga class and realizing my Spanish really wasn't up to it, she kept saying shut your eyes and then give an instruction that I only caught half of. I had to sneak my eyes open and copy. But no one was mean about it.

OP, when I was in your situation 8 years ago I made a very conscious and at the time very hard choice to go back into full time work. I had zero support network and had to reestablish myself so that meant a couple of rough years when the kids were little BUT... I gained my own identity back, not tied to kids or husband, burst out of expat bubble you describe, made a few “real” friends through work. I don’t feel like an expat anymore and that is a good thing - I feel invested in the place we live, I know it from the inside out (iyswim) rather than from the outside in as a long-term visitor, and both I and my family are so much happier as a result.

It is hard to find work as a trailing spouse but by no means impossible, I know lots of women (and men!) who have managed, it does require breaking out of a pattern and possibly of the expectations of those around you and that is scary. But I wanted to give you a different perspective as the way you phrase your thread caught my eye - if you don’t want to “be” an expat, how about you stop “doing” things the expat way?

Just some food for thought :)

Hi. Sorry to barge in but I've stumbled upon this thread at a time that I'm faced with moving abroad with DH. He's been asked by his company to go to Tokyo for a 2 year project. We have 3 children 6, 4 and 2. Life at home is settled dd (4) about to start reception. School is small village - 15 per year intake so huge contrast to urban living and international schools.

Job is great opportunity for DH and is likely to have good long term benefits. Financially we are doing ok but are stretched and have a necessary house build ahead of us if we stayed.
We live in a lovely area have a good network of families with children the same age who we see regularly. My mum is close by and helps out with childcare regularly.
So we have this decision to make. I've spent 4 weeks travelling Japan 7 years ago. Loved it. Have always had a strange affiliation to all things Japanese, since being at uni. I thought this opportunity would provide a chance for us to get some savings behind us, for me to have more quality time with the children (after school and holidays) and experience urban living and expose children to such diversity.

I like to have friends especially where we can spend time together as families but I'm also a bit of a loner so happy in my own company. However, the one thing that I really hate about life around me here in the UK is the never ending 'keeping up with the jones' - whose got what house, car, activities, outings, depicting that ever so perfect life. Just watching it around me makes me dizzy and I longer for a slower paced family life.
Having stumbled upon this thread I'm worried. I never even considered that the competitive nature might get even worse as an expat. Or that there would be such a strong consistent experience of loneliness being an expat.

Is there anything good about it? Do you think trying to live outside an expat community / local schooling would be better? I don't speak any language other than English. I've considered homeschooling here in the U.K. so would consider that, but thought that would just heighten isolation.

I would really appreciate any hinest comments both good and bad. We are not yet commuted but need to nanda decision once an package offer is put together.

need I would put your own post up in living overseas, just copy and paste your comment on this thread.

Thanks middle I have! Sorry to hijack! 🙂

How is everyone? I'm still here, hating the heat and missing home.
Got some kittens though so at least I have company in the evening when DH is working away.

Hi RayRay (this is Goosegettingfat- I changed username). Ditto- I got so excited that it finally turned cooler today! I visited home, decided I just miss it too much and told DH I want to go back in the spring and he agrees. Still feels a long way off though!! No improvement on your DHs working hours?

That's great news! Very happy for you!
The time will fly by! You can start planning things now, yay!
The situation hasn't really improved, the summer hols have really dragged this time for some reason.
He's taken the kids to his parents in Austria this week so I've been home alone with the cats. Have really just veged out cos it was too hot to traipse round town and he's got the car. So glad it's cooled down!

Hi all,
It's still a while until it cools down here, the sun beating down every day is highly overrated in my book! I spent a fabulous 9 days in England but the last couple were spent dreading coming back and me wondering why I had ever thought it was a good idea to come here in the first place. So many things really upset me about living here, not least having to shell out the best part of 500 euros for my 3 childrens' school books...public school my a*

@Bebespain
Yes, the school supplies thing is ridiculous.
My younger one brought home an untouched box of paints, chalks and sketch paper at the end of term. They didn't use any of it yet I had to shell out for it.
The hot sun is crap, hardly been out for a few weeks because it was just too much.
It's changed here, I had to wear proper shoes to nip out yesterday and I was cold last night. Such a relief.
Hope you get some cooler temps soon xXx

It's bonkers isn't it RayRay. We are even asked to provide a 500 sheet pack of paper oer child for photocopies there are on average 27 kids in each class so I've no idea how many photocopies they think they'll do, we don't even receive that nuch correspondence from school. The whole thing makes me so mad. I'm my UK friends think I'm making it up when I tell them!

Oooh proper shoes...what I'd give to wear some right now. It's always a big deal for me when I can finally get my "big" coat out of the wardrobe. Roll on Winter!

We once had a box full of different shaped cubes for maths, there were several hundred in each box. I labeled the box with dc's names and sent in. I got a note back saying every cube had to be initialed, the smallest ones were one cm2 and there tens of them, twice, dc have the same initials as well. I may have sworn quite a bit.