Struggling with being an expat

[Notahappyexpat]

We have lived abroad for 10 years - I did enjoy it and it’s way better for the children & husband - they love it and I know our quality of life is better than it would be in the UK... however in the last year I have developed an almost physical dislike for expat life.

The women I meet are awful (bitchy, unsupportive, wildly competitive re children), it’s not English speaking so hard to get a job (and if I do get a job it will be full time due to my career and then have no help with children), I miss my old friends and have painted this rose coloured picture of what my life would be like if I was back in the UK.

Anyone else gone through this - will it get better? Am I just having a mid life crisis? What can I do to get out of this rut / depression - going back to UK used to make me realise how lucky we were with our life but now it’s not

Goosegettingfat, yes we are still together. We'll stay like this until he sells the business or the DC finish school. Likely to be the latter. Not ideal but better than it was.

Hi everyone, how are you doing today? I am back from the UK
Feeling very fed up.
DH is going on a long haul work trip tomorrow so going to be on my own with the kids till Friday.
Thinking it's better not to go back to the UK for trips because it is too hard to come back.

I find it helps to go someplace rough or you don’t like going before I come back - so that you don’t spend the whole time there thinking “yes life would be like this every day if I moved back” Is there something fun you could do with or without the kids next week?

X

DH has just been building bookshelves and I am going to unpack my books which have been in boxes for 18 months. That will cheer me up. I will enjoy pottering about with them. Going to sit in the garden too.

That will be nice - I love having books around. Light some candles and have a glass of wine with a good book once kids have gone to bed

I think unpacking and making the place feel more like home also feels good

Sitting outside now with a glass of wine and it’s hot - that’s something we didn’t do much in the uk (trying to look on the bright side!). 🍷

Yes it's been a lovely day today. Going to be hot hot hot for a few days now. Got some jobs done today so can put my feet up tomorrow. Hate it when it's boiling and you have to do the housework!

RayRay I'm in Bavaria, also have a 10 and a 7 year old (and an older one) and I like it... Just as an antidote to everyone telling you they don't! I'm not an expat though, my younger two were born in the local hospital and I got my German citizenship as soon as the brexit vote happened. I have foreign friends, but Russian and Greek and Hungarian immigrants who can share experiences of the trials of being a foreigner but intend to stay permanently, not people who call themselves expats and talk about "going home".

I spent my first 2 years here on the edge of expat circles but don't think it did me any good - we never intended to use bilingual nurseries or international schools and don't have the kind of money expats splash. It all felt very brittle anyway, nobody seemed just content, everyone was expecting to move on someday even if they'd been here a really long time, and everyone was either wildly happy or having a breakdown, or both at once...

I didn't speak the language when I arrived, but I only had one toddler and one on the way so the language was never a problem for the kids. I've never managed to study properly and have a horrendously strong English accent but I do well enough to work in a German only environment. I felt pointless too once my youngest started kindergarten, after having enjoyed Sahp while I had under 3 year olds home 24/7. I needed to work once the kids were out of the house 20 hours per week though - I'm not remotely suited to being a Hausfrau!

I think it will get better if you can stick it out and move away from the poison chalice of expat circles... Is a long road though, I'd say it took 6 or 7 years and the completion of a drift away from expat groups to feel that I'm just simply at home, for better or worse.

catinasplashofsunshine
We're not expats either as we have no date to go home. I don't hang around with a load of expats, the problem I have here is that I don't know anyone. My kids aren't babies so I can't go to toddler groups, no one even makes eye contact at the school gates and most of the parents don't even go, have tried inviting my daughters friends around and hope to get chatting with mum's but they all pick up and leave.
Tbh at least expats are looking for friendships.
But I think we are in too small a place.
6 or 7 years?

I have joined a group which meets in town once a week but can't always go because of DH travelling, they are a mixture of expats and permanent people but they all live in the city and work.
I have tried the Facebook groups to join something and meet people but it's not easy.

I also dislike expat life, OP. However I’m in the UK lol. I absolutely hate it here because of that trapped feeling of urgently needing to get back home. Obviously, I didn’t at first, I was quite happy for several years then homesickness really kicked in and it hasn’t left, it’s just got more relentless. Like some possession lol. I’m so desperate to go back home, hopefully this year. I know for me, unless I was wealthy and knew I could escape home as soon as homesickness hit, I would never move overseas again. It’s a shame. I hope for you, it goes and you can make it work. A lot of people do manage to move to another country and never look back. I think it really depends on what lifestyle you want now and if the country you’re in, allows you to have that.

RayRay no I don't go to the school gate either - our school doesn't even have a gate actually :o it's open to the village square on one side and fields on the other. I live that though. I wave my kids off from he doorstep, have since day 3 of year 1 with each kid, social death to be taken to school here, and playdates are indeed drop and run once kids are established at kindergarten, long before school.

Football is your answer though if you want that school gate network with primary age kids. Boys or girls, doesn't matter, in fact our girls team has the stronger family network. Could either of your kids be persuaded to play? Join the most local Verein. If you want it to a village sports Verein can be very much a way to integrate and football is the sport. Volunteer to work on the cake stall and carpool to matches, stay and support even if you're not interested in football per se. You'll get to know everyone.

Otherwise sitting out the front of your house in a way that Mumsnet grasps it's pearls in horror at and greeting neighbors helps, as does doing ridiculous busy work out front, like wedding the cracks in the pavement (I kid you not, you'll be approved of and talked to :o )

If you're religious or wouldn't feel too hypocritical church would also fill the same role as football...

If you can think of a reason to throw a middle of the day summer party and invite the neighbors that also breaks the ice.

People aren't as eager to be friendly, but I find once you have the connection people will really go out of their way for you, a neighbor once drove DD 15km to secondary school when she missed the bus and my car wouldn't start - she was walking past and asked what was wrong. She didn't have any reason to make the 30km round trip but offered straight away.

Oh yes volunteer fire brigade is another option - join that, kids can join ours from 8. Big social thing and adult volunteers welcome with open arms.

You could also look at offering VHS English classes on weekday mornings while your kids are at school - always take up for a beginner's course, you'll only make a little bit of pocket money (it's a pauschal, No tax implications) but I still have contact with ex students from when I taught VHS.

catinasplashofsunshine
Thanks for the suggestions. I do lots of work in the front garden but only ever had anyone speak to me asking for directions lol!
I'm not sure I can persuade either of my girls to play football but maybe the fire brigade could work.
I walk the youngest to school because she is only 6 and started school a year early so a young 6 iyswim but I don't think I will need to do it next year. I just find it odd that you stand next to the same people twice a day every day and don't even make eye contact. We were spoiled before as the primary the kids attended in the UK had a very friendly atmosphere and you got to know the mums and dads.
Honestly I think the hardest thing is DH being away so much as it wasn't supposed to be part of the deal but he travels nearly every week now and I can't go into town to join in where stuff is going on because I have to be back for school pick up.
I have volunteered at an English speaking Rainbows and Brownies which I used to do in the UK but it's early days so I don't know anyone that well yet.
I have a teaching qualification but I don't enjoy the teaching very much so not sure that's for me. Although I would do it if I could go into the city where there is a bit more life. It's just pensioners here in the daytime. It's like last of the summer wine minus the rolling down a hill in a tin bath.
I felt like me when I went back to the UK, here I feel like a useless nobody and I am losing interest in everything. I don't enjoy anything I do. I feel like when I smile my eyes look dead. When I meet people or family come to visit I say the things I know I'm supposed to say but I don't know why because I don't care.
Tbh it's got to the point where I feel like I don't want to do stuff because it's too much hassle and I'm not interested.
God knows what I'm going to do because I certainly don't.
I think there is a little bit of frustration as well about the fact that I am 40 and before we came I was working and studying to retrain as I had decided to move into accountancy. I can't do that here because my German isn't good enough and I'm not qualified for anything that actually interests me here plus my shite language skills. I had planned to study the language but in my current frame of mind I would rather give birth than set foot in a classroom to study something I actively don't care about. I don't know how to get myself out of this negative bog I'm stuck in.
Maybe it's a minor mid life crisis compounded by feeling utterly useless and totally at sea.
I just shouldn't have let myself get talked into it. I regret coming here. It's not like I had any particular love for the place or interest in it which I guess is what a lot of people feel when they move abroad.
Honestly if you knocked on my door and said I have to leave and never come back I wouldn't care at all.
Thank you for reading if you got to the end of that rambling post, it's nice to just admit how bad I feel.

Good luck RayRay if you continue to feel that way I guess you need to have a very significant conversation with your husband involving ultimatums about setting a move date in stone before your oldest child is at secondary ideally - either to the UK or the city. There are probably OU courses you could do etc but if you're feeling as you describe long term that's not going to be the solution.

Aw, RayRay I know exactly how you feel. I think you need to speak to your DH. Put a time limit on it and if it's no better by then, do something. As I said before, I regret not moving back when I first started feeling miserable (which was pretty much straightaway).

Just a caution, we moved to a city for all the reasons that you list and it was worse. There were very few expats and of those most were cliquey or disinterested or miserable themselves. It was also terrible for the DC as the city kids were not interested in the forrin ones, unlike in the countryside where they had been lovely (as were the schools). Instead of just me being miserable, it ended up with all of us being so, on top of which DH had an extra hour drive each way on top of his very long day so we saw even less of him!

Thanks for the replies.
Yes I think you are right I need to have a talk with DH and set a time limit. He is away till the weekend so I will think about what I want and what I am prepared to do or not do.
Going to pour a glass of wine when the kids are in bed and try to switch off for a bit.
Thank you for listening.

Rayray i just read your previous post. I absolutely know how you feel. It would appear we have a lot in common in terms of age, kids, qualifications and situation. I have just got a place on a distance learning (not ou but still in uk) masters, and it has lifted me enormously from all the feelings you describe. I have just been getting all excited ordering the entire reading list in preparation for September could you do something like that for your accountancy? I feel like our situation is all the drudgery of being a sahm with none of the upsides. It's so lovely to have something to look forward to that makes me feel like a person again!

Rayray can you get a part-time job where your English language skills would be sought after eg tutoring kids after school? This might also be a way to meet other parents.

It sounds like you are isolated where you live and very limited by relying on public transport. Can you drive? If not, could you spend your free time learning to drive?

I would hate being a housewife with children at school and no car wherever I lived!

I spent 3 years as an expat as a child. I know my mum found it hard to start with, but felt happier when she made non-expat friends. These people were mostly immigrants from different countries who had settled there, I guess they all had a similar experience. I went to the local school, rather than an international school, which I think also helped.

Also, can't you carry on with your accountancy study?

Omg reading this and nodding.

royal Are you still in Houston or is it Dallas? Hats off to you for surviving.

I'm very lucky that DH kinda dug his heels in and we are on a very good package. DH has been here now 14 years. I've been here 12. Best thing I did was ditch the expat scene. It's a nasty group that I was able to remove myself from because we are NYC based.

I'm also reading this and nodding. I'm not an ex-pat. I always find I get a deeper feeling of sadness and homesickness when another anniversary approaches. It'll be 12 years for me in August and I really wish I had gone with my gut instinct years ago and left. I really thought things would get better.
DH has no interest in going back now and it is devastating to know I am stuck here for the long haul.
RayRay - I fantasise about somebody knocking at my door and telling me I had to leave and never come back. I honestly would miss nothing about this place.

Bebe are you (as name suggests!) in Spain? If not, where? Does your DH know how unhappy you are? I have just come home and cried all over DH because I was the immigrant who didn't understand anything at dd's school Info evening and whom nobody would have a conversation with. ( I understand some of the points made about the expat scene, but right now I'd kill for one) He is very sympathetic and talking about when we can move home. If this wasn't the case, I'm not sure I'd be with him because I don't think I'd want to be with anyone who put such a low priority on my happiness. I mean, what IS marriage if it's not wanting to live happily together?

I think though as the “mum” you get used to putting everyone happiness before your own. My DH has a good job and hardly any commute so his life is much better, kids are in local school and doing so well - now in high school so I don’t think it’s fair to move them.

DH is sympathetic and has said if I am that unhappy we will move back, or I can do a course, work, not work etc. And I just sit around making no decisions at all - I totally understand where you all are but have no idea what to change.

I miss my old friends and being able to have a bottle of wine and putting the world to rights - the ones I have here are so awful but I don’t / can’t cut them out of my life due to school etc

xx

Goose exactly right, sahm no benefits

ColouringPencils
I can drive and we have a car, but I wouldn't drive into the city. The traffic is crazy and parking a nightmare. It is actually quicker to get in on public transport it's more that if I was to get delayed by a public transport issue I have no one to collect DD from school if DH is away. There are frequent problems at the moment despite German efficiency! School finishes at lunchtime so I don't have that long to do something. Where I live is very quiet, not much happening. In the city are all sorts of groups or things to do.
My problem is DH travelling. He is supposed to work from home but since September has been away every week.
My teaching qualification is only for adults and I have no experience beyond the course so it's not that straightforward iyswim.

Posted too soon, I have heard about some opportunities if you need to gain experience teaching English. I would need to do something like that before I can get a steady job. The market is flooded with English teachers so the language schools can take the best people with experience. Honestly I did the course three years ago so I need a structure and a good bit of refreshing my knowledge or it would be embarrassing so need to be more of an assistant or ask to sit in on lessons while someone else is teaching. But I can't do anything with DH away as I don't have childcare.
Really, I can't make a go of things here unless DH stops travelling.